Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear New T,

For lack of anywhere else to write about this, here it is. My family are up to their old tricks again! It got me in quite a state before Christmas, but I am trying not to let it bother me for New Years. Sometimes I wish I didn't want to bother with them at all, but there is something inside me which insists I keep trying.

I asked at the beginning of the week if people wanted to spend it by themselves or get together. No-one got back to me, so we decided me and my other half would spend it alone, and I bought some nice cheeses and a few tapas bits for us, and thought we could watch a movie or play a game. Then yesterday my Dad says he wants to come, which is fine, the food should stretch, then today I get a message from my brother asking if they come, what time for. Well, R has just asked what we are going to do for food now...

I could get upset, and worry, and be annoyed like normally happens, or I can do what I am trying to do which is to stay calm and just say "love you to come, please now cater for yourselves as I am working tomorrow and don't have time to shop!".

I know they won't really mind... They are pretty easy going, hence the inability to plan anything!! It's just the opposite of how I am, and I know it gets to me. But I can't change them, I can only change me, so yeah, I'm keeping that cheese to myself and maybe next time they will let me know earlier!!! Haha.

I have an oral fixation that I was ok telling my last 2 T's. One was fine and was just like "a coping skill is a coping skill and if it isnt hurting anyone its fine." My last one had an issue with it and she tried breaking me of the habit. She did have a good alternartive though but I can't find it right now and I don't want to make a big deal out of not being able to find it because my mom doesn't know any of this. My transference T thought all this was great and I should use it anytime I get anxious not just for sleeping.

But I feel strange telling you and I think its the age thing. I want to tell you though since I've been using them more then normally so I'm guessing I'm more stressed then I am usually.

Awww, E, you wrote back even though i will see you in 24 hours 😊

Dear T,
Today's session felt very connected, and I think there were some good insight by both of us. And it left me with a lot to think about. Seems like a good one to end the year on.


Love you,
LT

hey b u b , im sorry i keep ghosting you , IDK what it is. im a mess again. so yah. whats new.

Its been 2 years since I got really sick with that most likely covid thing. And 2 years since I started eating the candy and drinking the tea that reminds me of my transference T.

I wish I had a new flavor that reminded me of my current T.

I misssss yooooouuuuuu!!!

You flatter yourself, my dear.

I am still optimistic, though Heaven knows whether I should be or not. Happy New Year, dear R.

Dear T,
Ugh, that email from the superintendent. I stand by the word I used to describe him yesterday, and I imagine you would agree. We plan to keep D home at least Monday and Tuesday--I'm curious as to whether you'll be doing the same with your son, especially as they're right on the brink of approving boosters for his age group. This sucks... It's like they don't care about the safety of our kids and teachers...or their families.

Love,
LT

I really hope you won’t get very sick, with catching covid. It was a bit of a shock reading that in the text you sent today, but I’m glad that, at least currently, you’re still able to do a virtual session.

I find it hard to imagine that we will speak again. What did we even used to talk about? I feel very closed down and no wish to let anyone in. These past few weeks have shown me that I revert to my stone self quickly.

Kinda weird but why do you never talk about your family? You are my age yet never mentiom your parents or any siblings and you spent Thanksgiving with friends. I often wonder what your childhood was like and if I am unintenionally trigerring you when I talk about mine.

I miss you, the you I used to think I knew, the you that you were with me in your office. I hope you have a happy and healthy 2022.


Love, me

Dear T,
Struggling a bit tonight, but I think I managed to sing some of it out to Neil Young, Guns n' Roses, and Adele on the ride home from the restaurant.

Love,
LT

I miss you, yet I can't make myself attach to you.

I miss you. I still feel like something massive is missing from my life. Like I've lost something and no matter where or when I look I can't find it. When does that feeling go away? When do I 'get over it'? (Yeah, I know, you don't get over it....) Will I ever stop looking though? Wishing you all the best for this year, and wishing that somehow we can continue to find a way forwards... However that may be. Love me.

Dear New T,

And now I feel bad for not sharing yesterday!! Need to resolve this in my head... I'll take them a homemade treat in the week or something I think.

Not quite the way I wanted to start the new year, I feel I should have shared, but then I would have been upset because they hadn't let me know they were coming...

It's hard this life thing... Or do I make it harder than it needs to be I wonder??

THanks so much for answering my email earlier. I really dind't expecit that you would but i appreicate htat you did.love you

so much.

and i miss you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much

I miss transference T quite a bit today. I guess maybe because I was snooping on her facebook last night. I swear I just self sabtoage for reasons I don't understand. In a month and 23 days it will be one year since our last session. Today I ate a pack of European chocolate smarties to help deal with these demons. Last therapy session with my current T I didn't mention my transfernce T at all. But for reasons I don't know remote is more productive and deeper then in person. And my transference T said that our remote sessions were deeper too. I dont mind doing them when I have to but I dont want to do it all the time.

But yeah I miss transfernce T today and I'm not giving much of a thought to my current T. Not in a bad way I am just not needy with her and I don't want her attention outside of sessions. I have noticed some good things from my surgery regarding my hormones and I don't have a crush on her even with my change in dose.

I just still have no clue why I can't get over my transfernce T and 3 therapists havent been able to help me yet either.

Hey E. I am kind of scared about how much I already feel attached to you. I know I've known you for a few years, but that was only in crisis. We've only been in therapy together for a few months, and I might be more attached to you than to my T I've seen for 6.5 years? That scares me.Will I ever tell you this? Nope!

I'm glad you were able to see me last night, even if it was sort of a holiday. I hope you went out after and had a good new year. I went to bed. Look forward to your email response.

The answer to everything isn't the hospital.

I'm going to have to do another telehealth appointment with you on Wednesday because my mom has an eye appointment she set up in October and this was the soonest they had. I'm not sure why she didn't tell me about it before today so I could have possibly rescheuled an in person session if I had known a few weeks ago... I also don't feel good still so telehealth may be for the best. I'll email you tomorrow.