Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

E: I hope you are okay. My brain has run off in a million directions for why you haven't written back (yet). Ugh. I should learn not to email, I swear.

L,
I hope you have a good wedding! I miss you immensely already. But I want you to be happy too.

I should get up and walk the dogs.

Right?

Dear T,
Of course I'm worried that you said you were going to start dressing more professionally again. Because I'm concerned it will change how you are toward me. You'd seemed very open lately, and things had felt connected between us. It felt less connected today, and I imagine that was completely unrelated to what you were wearing. Though, maybe whatever mindset led you to choose that shirt also permeated the session? Plus you were 5 minutes late. You did warn me, but only a minute before session was supposed to start, and then you said 3 minutes late.

With hypervigilance, it's easy to start to think it all means something--the lateness, the more professional dress (particularly your saying you were going to start dressing that way again, vs. a random dress shirt), the lack of any sort of disclosure today, even if it was something really minor.

Please be more like your recent self Friday--or at least for my birthday on Monday?
Love,
LT

I was trying to picture your face as my transfernces T's face instead today. I didn't tell you because I was creeping myself out so I'm sure it would have weirded you out even more. I didn't bring her up though. At the end I asked if you got your jeans from Old Navy since you mentioned going there sometimes and I was wearing Old Navy jeans today and you just said "um, no." I don't get why we can't ever discuss things like that? I am autistic so its kind of good to have these types of conversation plus I don't really think that was a boundary crossing type question? You told me no and I didn't ask then where did you get them from. I let it go.

And me wearing Old Navy jeans had nothing to do with you. I used to hate their jeans and then because facebook is creepy I got an ad that Old Navy had camoflauge pants that I was looking for so I went in the store and I found a pair of jeans in a color I had been looking for awhile that I was not able to find at Kohls, Target, or Walmart. So I ordered both the camo and the jeans. So no I did not buy Old Navy jeans because of you. I honestly used to hate them until my body shape started to change.

Dr. S,

I took the full dose of Adderall around 7am and took the Wellbutrin around noon. That seemed to work well, although I guess it remains to be seen if I have trouble going to sleep. Or more trouble than usual, I guess.

I know I said yesterday that I have been keeping the cleaned areas tidy. However, I just got back from walking the dogs and when I looked around, I realized that isn't true. My kitchen counters are ok in comparison to how they were, but I don't think I can claim they have been maintained. There are also dishes in my sink even though I unloaded the dishwasher yesterday. My nightstand is almost as bad as before.

Only my laundry cart is in as good a state as it was after I cleaned. The area by the washer/dryer isn't terrible, but there is a towel on the floor as well as some underwear that I'm pretty sure ought to be in a laundry basket or something. I mean rather than my dresser. I'm trying to avoid saying dirty underwear because that sounds so dramatic, like I **** my pants or something.

Part of it is that I've been sleepy from the Adderall reduction. But I can't pretend that has been so bad that the renewed messiness doesn't reflect at all on me.

Feeling a bit discouraged, to be honest. And I'm conflicted about what my goal should be today. My impulse is to say I will tidy all the previously cleaned areas and load the dishwasher. But my impulses always seem to end up being too much. I have to consciously make a goal that seems too small.

So idk. I also need to go to the store, which I hate doing.

Feeling bummed.

Ugh, I have to see you tomorrow. You probably thought that at some point today when you looked at your schedule. I've been hardcore isolating. "Haven't left the house since I got home from the hospital" isolating. I tried being around my mom but I flipped out at her and threatened suicide (impulsively, I didn't really mean it things were just intense), and R just called me and I actually answered but I didn't talk other than "hi." "yes" "no" "OK" and "love you, bye." I'm still having massive difficulties with side effects from my meds. I've decided to skip the next injection. I would rather deal with the psychosis than this, although I know that almost guarantees another hospitalization.
Did you call my mom? You said you would to get her to realize how important it is I get on medicaid but she never said anything to me but again I've been avoiding everyone.

Dear Ex T,

I watched Winterwatch tonight and felt close to you. Thinking of you. Imagining you sat on your sofa watching it. I imagine it's the kind of thing you would watch. I think we even talked about it a couple of times over the years.

I have been thinking of you less, which is a good thing I think, but you are still on my mind and in my feelings several times a day. I miss seeing your face (not that I often actually looked at it sadly) and holding your hand.

I truly hope that I will be able to see you again one day in the future. If only to drop your box back (which I am holding hostage until you find that piece of paper for me - not that I'm holding out any hope of that being any time soon, or you missing your box enough to want it back &#129315. I kind of want to look at you now, through a different lens, if that makes any sense. I want to look in your eyes and I want you to see into my soul. Not something I would ever really have let you do before, but something that I wish now I could do.

Maybe it's knowing that we will never be exploring that secret part of me that allows me to feel that might be possible now. Knowing that things are very different now between us, that the 'relationship' has changed dramatically.

That said, I personally think that you are (in some crazy way) humouring me. Maybe that's the wrong word, but I think that you are being (rightly so probably) very cautious about it all. You are not engaging with me in what I would consider a 'normal' way. I'm ok with that, because when was anything about this relationship ever normal? It can't be. It can't be defined in 'normal' terms, and therefore surely that stands to reason that it, in itself, can't be normal.

We are just two messy human beings trying to find a way through life, through this, in th best way that we know how. Doing what we both feel is the right thing at the time. Hopefully those things align....

Take care K, I love you to the moon and back again, and I am often thinking of you in a way that I don't think you will ever truly understand.

Me

Hi E: Ok, getting more worried as time goes by, and havent heard from you. I got the automated email today, reminding about our appt on Friday-so I guess it is still on. Are you sick? Did you have an emergency? Are you swamped w work? Are you sick of me? It’s the last one I am most worried about/think it’s true.

Ex-T,
I started writing my letter to you. Yeah, I'm a month in a half early. Through writing it, I discovered I'm quite proud of myself. I'm strong and have come a long ways. Maybe there is hope that one year I'll stop writing you. Until then, you're stuck with me like a shadow or a ghost who only haunts you once a year. Like that song by Stevie Nicks: "You'll never get away from the sound of a woman that love[d] you". I did love you. That's why I now hate you. Maybe somewhere in myself there at least a little respect for you which is why I never chose to do those bad thoughts in my head (like sending you a box of kitten pictures...ha!). I don't have any ill will towards you anymore, but I also have no good wishes. The only thing I hope is that you never ever do this to someone else. I hope you see the damage you did. You don't even need to read my letter. If you even just see it's from me and throw it away, then you'll know. Seven years later, and I'm still writing you...

Hope it's OK to reply, but just wanted to share that I used that song (Silver Springs) in some ways to process my rupture, then termination with ex-MC: "Time casts its spell on you, but you won't forget me. I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me. I'll follow you down till the sound of my voice will haunt you. You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loved you." Amazing song.

Agreed! 100%

Dear T,
It occurred to me that you did disclose something minor today, about how you (well, "we," like you and your family) do eat at Chick-fil-A every few weeks even though you have issues with some of their politics. Made me feel better about a thing I was sharing. How, like you said, we can't be perfect in who we patronize and don't.

Perhaps this is a case where I see the change to more professional attire, fear what that could mean, then ignore evidence to the contrary. We did joke about a thing or two today. There was some connection. I think I was just more emotionally disengaged, if anything, maybe in part because you were late? Or just my mood today? I suppose I should see how the next few sessions go before assuming you're changing. And, you know, talk to you about it on Friday. Glad I resisted sending the email (so far, at least!)

Love,
LT

You broke it.

L,
You already know I'm jealous of your H because of the time he gets with you. I wish I had a whole 24 hours to be with you! All I get is one measly hour twice a week. But being completely open and honest here, I'm jealous that he gets to marry you. Not that I want to marry you, but I wish there was a commitment contract to bond you and I together.

So I know you scoffed at what I said about how I destroyed the magic when I tried to just come monthly. That was a bit brutal, btw, to just totally discount my feelings about it like that. I think that's where I'm going to start in my writing this evening. How it felt to have you just completely discount what I shared with you that day. It broke my heart. I broke my heart.


Damn feelings.

Sessions once a week weren’t enough, now we are doing twice weekly sessions and that’s not enough either. Even if I had a session every single day, I would still want more. I don’t like this feeling of needing you. I don’t like that I just want to be a toddler again and for you to scoop me up and hold me and soothe me like my parents never did. I told you the paternal transference would get out of hand didn’t I? Why didn’t you believe me? It hurts so much.

I don't want to work! I want to go back to sleep! And I'm hungry!

All of this is your fault!

I am positively enraged. Also my boss is an asshole.

I miss you, old T.

Hey L. I decidedly do not want to work today. I got the bare minimum that I require of myself done before going on break a few minutes ago. This month sucks monkey.... well you know the rest. Mostly it's because I'm starting to feel angry with you for basically dismissing my feelings that day. Yes I know that I need to get over it already.There's other things irking me about our last session as well. Maybe I've moved into the anger stage of grief (grief at the loss of a relationship that was precious to me). I understand that grief is not a linear thing, etc. But I still haven't really cried. I've felt sad, but continue to tell myself that it doesn't have to be sad, I kind of believe that after all, since I was the one that left and it just felt right. The only time I cried was that day in my car that I told you about, when I started letting go of fantasy-you.

I need to schedule some days off after this idiotic month is over and go spend a couple of days out in the desert. My soul needs that badly.

I just got the email from x about the zoom drum circle tonight but see it's the advanced one, so I won't be attending as I haven't taken those workshops yet. So that means next week will be the regular one and I'll be attending. I still don't know how I'll feel if I see you on there.

And that is because I still feel like there's something unfinished here. I just don't know what it is yet.

Hoping we can both rearrange next week so we can meet with D, but it’s ok if we can’t. I only really hope we can because I’m impatient. If you don’t text me tonight or tomorrow, though, we might need to do it the week after.

I'm not really focusing on you today. I did have a few what if thoughts regarding my transfrence T on my way to get my ultrasound done this morning.

Yesterday you said you liked my Hollister winter coat yet you froze up when I asked about your jeans. Do you have a secret underground jean bussiness or something you don't want me to know about?

Hey E. Thanks for the response. See, I should probably stop freaking out, but who am I kidding?! It isn't like I'm going to tell you that my anxiety was spiking just because you didn't write back right away.

I don't think I was honest today. Ok, I know I wasn't honest. About the bad dreams I mean. I don't think it has anything to do with me reading disturbing things. The actual reason is mundane and insignificant. I don't really know why I didn't want to tell you. I still don't. It has nothing to do with trusting you. It's just one of those things I have an inexplicable aversion to for absolutely no reason. You know, it's almost like a compulsion. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I have OCD or anything. But, and I'm realizing this as I write it, the avoidance of random tasks helps with the anxiety about feeling overwhelmed. I realize that doesn't make a ton of sense given I'm mostly overwhelmed because I'm avoiding so many things.

And maybe I've been having bad dreams again for a bit and didn't tell you. I was hoping they would just go away so I didn't want to upset myself by acknowledging them. I also feel guilty for having them. Why? Because I know when I go to bed when it's going to be a bad night. Knowing ahead of time makes me feel like I'm somehow making it happen. Or that I'm being negligent or something in going to sleep knowing I'm going to have a bad dream. That maybe the belief that there will be a nightmare is cause rather than premonition.

Meh. I must be getting close to something sensitive because I've abruptly lost interest in writing this post. Off I go..