Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,
And now there might be yet another thing...
Love,
LT

It's an expected adjustment though, I suppose, getting used to not having you at all anymore in the physical world. I know that I will always have this version of you in my heart and I 'check in' with her pretty often.


And now I begin to wonder... do you miss me at all? Even a little teeny tiny bit? Or were you so frustrated with me by the end that you're rejuvenated at just being rid of me, and I ceased to exist for you as soon as you dismantled my final sand tray on 12/17?

I guess I kinda got thrown for a little loop yesterday, with my son getting COVID. I'm doing okay now with it now, especially since he said he's not feeling too awful, and I was able to go get some groceries for them and drop them off at their house earlier today. It made me feel good being able to take care of my 'baby' again.


And admittedly? It's almost a relief, in a twisted sort of way, that it has now reached my little family. You know what I mean? Like, ever since the whole COVID mess started I've been feeling like it's been getting closer and closer and closer to affecting my little family and knowing it was inevitable but being scared of it affecting us and wishing it would just get it over with already at the same time because I couldn't stand the prolonged, heightened, fear/awareness/etc of knowing it was coming for THIS long. I don't know if I am making sense. I should just stop typing here.

Dear T,
Thanks for confirming that we're on for tomorrow. I may have teared up when I saw that, but not going to tell you. Or maybe I will.
Safe travels (unless you're actually already home, and then, uh, don't fall in the shower or anything).

Love,
LT

Dear K,

Is it weird that when I am at the 'in laws' I pretend somewhat in my head that I am with you and your family? I'm not sure that it/they reminds me of you, more that.... I don't know really. I don't know why I don't just accept it for what it is and be grateful for it... I guess I'm still needing the safety and secureness of the relationship that we had, and this is one way I can try to recreate it. I'm not sure I fully understand it to be honest, but it's nice, in a way....

ExT - I appreciated your Christmas text message and that it was ok to message you back. It was lovely to hear from you, but it was also difficult not being able to be honest about how things really are.... because you're not my T anymore, and I felt a certain responsibility to play the "I'm ok" part, like it's what you're expecting? Not sure if that makes sense. It does in my head, but perhaps not so much written down.

Current T - we have a two week break, and I'm not sufficiently attached to you (yet) that I'm counting down the days until we talk again. In fact I'm more concerned that it will be harder to get back into it again come the 5th January. We haven't been working together for very long and we're still at the trust building stage. I've never before had a problem with taking as much time as I needed to in getting to the 'feeling comfortable with a T stage', but now I feel almost impatient to reach it. I know it can't be forced though. It takes as long as it takes.

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I miss you

Hi R,

I've had it with losing emotional safe spaces. Now my women's writing group will effectively cease to be at the end of this year, on top of everything else. These are the things that need to be in place to allow me to do the work that I do in the world.

That was the space where I was courageous enough to write the hard stuff. Now, I have even less idea what I'm actually supposed to do with that. I hope this year is going to be better than the last couple, with the addition of my mentoring role. However, I really need to find spaces that are more about receiving than giving.

(I am still optimistic about you know what, though.)

I know it doesn’t really mean anything, but the little beanbag cat I got after I saw you today had a tag saying its birthdate was the day after I met my brother for the first time (same year, even). In fact, that was the day he came to our house for the first time, too. What are the odds?! I got it to try that 30 day inner child trigger challenge I saw on YouTube and sent you the link to. It doesn’t make it feel more fitting, really, but it was weird in a good way.
My dog really likes the treats your dog didn’t, too, lol.

I kind of want to go out shopping instead of meeting with you tommorow. I don't know if thats bad or good. If its good that I feel like I can handle things on my own this week or bad that maybe I'm avoiding you or something and I'm not realizing it. But I do feel ok today. But its too late to cancel now anyways.

That med situation I mentioned in my last post is still being worked on. I still can't get ahold of anyone in the office which I guess is to be expected for this time of the year.

But overall things have been well today. I did have an incident last night but I probably wont be honest with you about it.

Dear T,
Thank you for just being there today and listening and accepting all that I said without judgment. And for the empathy. I know I bristled a bit at the gratitude thing, but you're probably right. Like I said, though, it tends to lead me down a guilt spiral (apologies for using the Anne Frank example). But the way you explained it helped.

And like I said, I am thankful I can still "meet" with you through all this. If it were 30 years ago, this wouldn't have been possible. It seems like I really made you think in mentioning that, how you weren't sure how you'd have managed--could you have kept working in some way? Maybe the phone? Glad that I can see you on the screen though.

I could have talked for another hour, I'm sure, but I'm thankful we had the 50 minutes we did (see: gratitude!). And that I'll see you again Thursday.

Love,
LT

God L, you’re such a beautiful liar. If I didn’t know you were lying I would have believed you

Dear current T

Still 8 days to go before we talk again. If we were to speak tomorrow I know I'd spill my guts. Another week on and I'll have shut down again and probably won't feel like talking to you at all.

I know the first things you will ask is how I've been, how did Christmas go, was I ok? Do you want the honest answer? (rhetorical question). My go-to response is 'it was fine'. What I really want to say is 'it was bloody awful'. The truth is somewhere in between.

I applied for an online job I'm no longer sure I even want.
I reassured a friend that I'm doing ok.
I considered my exit plan, but didn't have the mental or physical energy to pull it together.

'It' remains my safety net, which I know you understand. You are the first T not to be overly worried about the fact that I have alternating passive / active suicidal thoughts. You even said in my situation, it makes sense. Now I'm not sure if that's because you want me to see that you can stay calm in the face of such information; or whether it's your way of telling me that you don't really believe I'd go through with it; or whether you think that my situation is so awful, why wouldn't I contemplate ending it. I don't know you well enough yet to determine which is correct. Perhaps I should put this question to you in an email and see how you respond.

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I am trying to reschedule simply because I don't feel good and I haven't felt good all day. I don't know why. I told you I thought it was the advil I shouldnt be taking because of my kidneys. Now you think this is a too many meds OD situation This is not an ER situation at all. I havent even taken the advil since yesterday. I just don't feel good and I just either want to be rescheduled for later in the week or not charged for cancelling so late.

Stop jumping to conclusions. Not everything needs outside intervention.

Dear T,
I'm thinking about that thing you said about parenting, where you said I act like I'm expected to enjoy every aspect of it. But I don't have to, that some parts aren't fun, and that's OK. And I think that's something we need to explore more. As I think it's a case of my holding myself to unrealistic standards, like with some other things in life. Maybe if I could take it easier on myself about that, I'd be doing a bit better right now.
Also, maybe I need to talk to you about the other thing, too.

Love,
LT

Tonight, L, the way I am feeling, how I am missing the 'us' that I used to feel like we were... tonight is when I really wish you had said yes to writing the letter I asked you for. Why did you have to say no? Even a couple of sentences of encouragement would have been enough. But you said it was "too much pressure". I really didn't think it was asking too much, not after 10 years of doing this work together, I really thought in my secret heart that you would agree. I'm missing fantasy-you, the you that I thought I knew, the you that never existed.


And... it kinda sucks.

I'm listening to the song When I Come Around by Green Day and it reminds me of us especially the part that goes

"I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser
To try and slag me down because I know you're right"

Also the part of the song that goes

"You can't go forcing something if its just not right"

Reminds me of mine and my transference T's relationship.

That Green Day song came on the radio today and that part reminded me of therapy.

Sorry for the mess. I didnt have the energy to clean my room. So I just shoved everything to the side. I didn't know if you could see my empty glasses and Moutain Dew cans on my side table and I dont know if you noticed my bed wasn't fully made. I'm normally very particular about my room even if I'm not having a remote therapy session, but today I didnt feel good and I gave zero ****s.

But I appreciated it when you asked about a tough moment from when I was a teenager and I got upset and I said I didnt want to talk about it. You immediatly said "ok. We don't have to talk about it right now." Other therapists would push on me to talk about things that are difficult instead of letting me go at my own pace.

"I'm missing fantasy-you, the you that I thought I knew, the you that never existed."

I need to take this thought and construct a poem around it. Not for you, of course, since you'll never see it. But for me.

Hey E, It is sort of almost Friday! I feel like I haven't seen you in ten years.

welp, tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we said goodbye. I feel, weird, would be a good word for it.

I miss having therapy with you. Really miss it. That was a stage of my life that I didn't want to give up, I guess. I enjoyed it. It took us a long time to get there but I enjoyed the safety I felt. I enjoyed the warmth I felt. I enjoyed the positivity I felt. I enjoyed being allowed to be me, both with you and out in the world. I enjoyed feeling like you were on my team. And then COVID cave along and disrupted things for a long time. And then life happened for you and you decided you couldn't do it any more. And that left me out in the cold. Trying to find.... ?? What am I trying to find I wonder? Me? A new 'team mate'? God knows. I just know I miss you like crazy and I wish I was coming back to sessions in the new year 😭😭😭😭😭😭

So, New T, if I wasn't ready to let that stage of my life go, I wonder where I go from here? We can't recreate what I had with K, sadly. But in her words... What CAN we do, I wonder?

Dear T. I miss you. That is all. Kit

5 more days until S gets back in touch with K. I wonder what you’re thinking will happen? You know what I’m hoping for, and I know you’re worried I’ll end up being disappointed. I’m not sure how to feel, even now. One minute excitement, the next, dread.
Still, I’ve been doing surprisingly well over Christmas itself, considering, and not gone half out of my mind with anxiety. This time last year I wouldn’t have managed that, if we’d been in the process then.

Sigh.

Just, sigh.