Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,
This is the extremely rare time when I am actually hoping that schools will close due to snow. One less absence for D, at least. And maybe one more day for the superintendent to pull his head out of, you know...
Sorta wish I'd talked to you Thursday about D's p-doc appointment tomorrow, but oh well--I think I had still been considering postponing it at the time I met with you.. We'll just give him our observations and see what he suggests.


Love,
LT

I’m looking forward to talking with you tomorrow, even though I’m nervous about being overheard. Been up and down, today, mostly still over what I was telling you on Tuesday. It seems like a lot of people around me still see me as a child. Is it an old people thing, in general? I hope so, even though it’s annoying either way. I am a capable human being about to have a better late than never launch, dammit!

I wish I kinda were attracted to you because I feel like the song Stay With Me. The part that goes "but I still need love cause I'm just a man" not being attracted to anyone whos currently in my life but still having feelings for someone whos not honestly kinda sucks.

I just checked facebook and today is the 2 year anniversary of me discovering those mint candy bars that remind me so much about my transfernce T. If my stomach wasn't on fire with who knows what I might eat one right now.

I ate one and I feel better. I didn't tell my mom the reason I was eating them. But she seems to think the sugar made me feel physically better vs an increase in my endorphins type thing because of depression. And to be honest after switching from regular to zero sugar soda she may not be wrong that the candy bars legit make me feel better physically and not emotionally.

I'm playing with my kinetic sand just now (got distracted by it while cleaning off a shelf haha) and it of course reminds me of doing sand trays. Hmm, maybe I'll go to the dollar store and find some little toys I can use to make mini sand trays in there. Might be good. I love the feel of the sand.

Which reminds me! Dang it! I forgot to take a pic of my final sand tray!! Well, I remember what I did in it so I'm going to try to sketch it out after work. Oops, lunch is over gotta log back on.

Dear T,
No it’s not been a great holiday time. We got stuck home in a useless quarantine. I wanted to spend Christmas with my grandma and could not. I missed her, my parents, everything about my people. I don’t know why i hated to be stuck home with my family - I feel guilty about this. I feel guilty towards my girl, she’s totally drained me, us. I feel i/we have failed her big time.
Now I’m so angry at you having been away for one month on some wonderful holiday but at the same time miss you like never before. But I got pneumonia, so when you’ll text me saying “is next Wednesday ok for you?” I’ll have to say “no thanks, see you somewhere in the future”.
Great start. Rant over.

I was missing you a bit earlier and h was all why do you look so sad. So I put my tennies on and went for a walk, looked for a rock to practice a little divination work with, because I haven't been doing much of that lately... found one and stopped to hold it for a couple minutes, focused on its energy and the stuff I learned in that workshop, and it felt so calming and warm holding it in my hands and I got a clear message which was helpful in how I'm feeling about no longer seeing you. I put the rock back where I found it and continued on my walk.

Don't forget me completely, okay?

I can't allow myself to have a full-blown griefquake over this...however, Steve's fourth book should come out tomorrow. I realised this at 2:00am today, and the heaviness has been hanging around ever since.

His previous book was pushed back after everything happened, but I haven't heard anything about this one. It's almost as though it's fallen off the face of the earth...and that is hard to take. I think this book would have had even broader appeal than the last...and he had actually set the release date.

Dear T,
That session felt really connected today, which I appreciated. It seemed like you were doing just the right level of self-disclosure, enough where you were empathizing and not throwing up random boundaries, but not so much that it felt more friend-like. (Well, I guess you didn't need to share all the ingredients of that roasted kale recipe, but that's fine.) It helped to hear that you'd become emotional about losing a place, too.

Also, I'm sure this was obvious, but I'm incredibly relieved that you're no longer going away for a week later this month. In part because the time around my birthday is difficult for me (and this is a bigger birthday), but also because I'd be concerned about your catching Covid, with the current rates in our country (and the world, really--as maybe you were traveling out of the country). And our governor was just saying how this month might be our most difficult yet in the pandemic--so I imagine I'll be feeling the stress of that. So it helps to know I'll still have your support during that week.

I know you were half-joking about my "getting good counseling" being one of the (very few) positive things that happened in 2021, but your support has really meant a lot to me throughout the pandemic. You've helped me get through something that at times has felt insurmountable. I suppose I should actually say that to you at some point. I kept wanting to do that at the end of the pandemic, but will that actually ever arrive? Perhaps I'll mention it Wednesday, like not make some huge deal about it, but just to at least briefly say it.

Love,
LT

You really thought I must have been in a crisis last week when I emailed you. Last week I got a response in 5 minutes. Today I emailed you around 10 "without the details." and havent gotten a response yet. But I have open avalibilty all day tommrow so I was kinda hoping to hear from you.

I don't really know you at all, do I... It just dawned on me. I am not sure what to do with that yet. I don't want it to change things, but I fear that it may

T, it is almost Wednesday! I haven't seen you in what feels like 10 years.

Ahhhh why have my last couple of appointments with you been so nice?? Scared it won't stay that way tbh. Thanks for sharing the thing about your Dad. Kind of felt like we were both about to cry.

Thank you for the early contender for the best email of 2022. I look forward to seeing you on Thursday.

Why can I not just leave you alone 😥

Why? Because it wasn't meant to be that way. It was meant to be THIS way. The way we are finding, together. Thank you for being you. I love you with so much of the heart that you helped me to uncover.

I'm not being quiet, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!

I don't know why your out of of office email showed up in my spam box. But I saw it 23 hours later. So I contacted the office but the only thing they could do was give me a remote session at another time this week. So I just switched my in person tommorow to remote. I'm annoyed at my mom because she knew about her appointment since October. I'm just wondering if what if tommorow was the last chance I got to see you in person for awhile before things start shutting down because of covid.

But thanks for responding to my email this afternoon and confirming the zoom appointment.

Thank you for writing me back to say you are going to write me back but could you just write me back? It's just a text message for scheduling. It shouldn't be too hard. Thanks, Kit.

PS I still love you.

Yesterday, you were surprisingly insightful about a couple of things. Not that you aren’t insightful in general, but I was surprised by what you picked up in the drawings you asked me to do. I feel like I slipped up on boundaries tonight, sending you that email after I got home from work. I’m not sure what time you normally finish, but I should really give myself a hard cut-off point of when I can contact you until, and not bother you after a certain time unless there’s a problem. You were probably fine with it, but I don’t like thinking I’m being a bother.

L,
I love you so much! You quoting the exact verse in the song I mentioned...priceless! Not that it was hard to figure out, but still the fact you quoted it to me. I'm glad you're back working, but I wish you were back here. I'm missing you so very much. It's literally painful. I know you know because I cried all session. I just want to be with you and be safe and secure again. I only get 2.5 weeks of in-person before you leave again. That's not a lot of time to adjust. I hope you will allow a phone call between now and next session. I really need it.

Why do I want to be attracted to people but not actually be in a relationship with them? Like I dont want to have sex with anyone. The idea grosses me out. But I want to have a crush on someone and I mainly just want someone to say random **** that will turn me on. All transference T would have to say would be "hello" and I'd automatically cream my jeans. But the idea of actually being in a relationship or any type of physical contact with her wasnt what I wanted.

I don't know how to explain what I want. I don't want a relationship I just want to get turned on by people. Like what is love to me?

Doing a little thinking/writing this evening re: what exactly I miss about you, and how I can find that elsewhere. Main thing is what I knew I would miss - being seen the way you saw me. And just like we talked about on 12/17 I can find that elsewhere by allowing myself to be seen that fully by the right people of course - like my sister. And a couple of good friends. I'm still awfully good at hiding the real me though.

Thinking also about how weird the therapy relationship is. Convoluted was always my word for it and still is. I mean, seriously. It meant SO much to me, for SO long, was SO important to me... and now, it's just like, poof, it's gone. Almost like it never existed at all, and maybe it didn't since it was pretty much all in my imagination anyway. Yet, I was, am and remain changed by it, I guess that's what I mean by the "magic", not trying to be a romantic here, but well, it does seem like there was some magic involved in some weird way, how through all of my half a gazillion projections that you reflected back to me I learned SO much about myself, and finally reached the point where I was ready to pull them all back and own them, allow myself to be whole.

I really respect you and the work you do, you know. I can't imagine that any of this was easy on you. Especially to put so much heart and effort into building and maintaining a solid therapeutic relationship, all the while knowing that the actual goal is to watch your clients walk away for the last time, walk away from it, from you, at some point with you not having much of a say in it. I mean I know it wasn't easy for me to do, I imagine in some ways it wasn't easy for you to watch me go either. I sincerely hope that you never doubt the positive effect that the work you do sends out into the world. But maybe it also felt really good to you, too, to know that I was ready to go forward in my life.

I suppose that last part I will never know the answer to. But that's okay. I have pretty much always trusted the process, and I'm trusting this part of it too, even when I miss you. The missing you is less and less, and pretty much confined to the wee hours of the morning now when I'm awake at 3:30am and can't sleep.


Friday will be 3 weeks since we said goodbye. I love the you that I knew.


Be well.

That session was so deep. I didnt even realize you were pushing me until you told me you were because you were being so gentle the whole time. I had no idea I had issues with authority figures because I got away with a lot of stuff when I was a kid and I didnt get any discipline from my parents. I told you more about 2020 and the candy and I told you I was telling you all this because you were the first therapist I was able to trust to talk about my transfernce T with this deeply. I even told you the truth when you asked if I ever did the same things as she did. I told you I eat pizza Goldfish because she did. But I told you we both really liked Mountain Dew so I did not drink it because of her. I never in my life told anyone I'll sometimes eat the same foods of someone I like.

We made definte progress today.

Ah yes. The deep-diving into psyche is definitely something that I miss. Not sure how to replace that outside of your four walls... except maybe via journey to speak with FW, but of course that would have to be short and with focused intention. Y'know it kinda works too just to go out into the desert and connect with the energy there, but that's a different kind of conversation.

I do wish I'd asked you about a check-in phone call in like March or something, after 3 months on my own.... Maybe I'll just do it anyway, if I still want to, of course. You can always not pick up when you see my name - that is, if you haven't already deleted me from your contacts by then. Actually I don't even know if you have my name on your phone, maybe you just recognized my phone # or something because every time I called, you have always answered "Hi, Artie!" I don't know, I never bothered to ask.

I'm getting there. I rarely get those 'i miss you' feelings during the day now. At night, yes. Why is it that everything not good is amplified at night?! Less distractions, I guess.


I can think forward now, about the possibility of never seeing you again, and not feel that hollow emptiness in my stomach that I used to get when I would think of that possibility. Sure, we live in the same town and all, so technically I could run into you at Costco again or whatever but not super likely cuz it's a BIG town. I mean since 2015 I've run into you outside of your office exactly twice.