When you mess up, do you feel uncomfortable telling your t?

I feel like I should tell my T I'm dating a guy that raped me 6 years ago, but like she'll tell me it's a bad idea and I should distance myself from him because of that so I don't want to have a conversation about it with her.

First, based upon the title of your thread and you worrying about what your T will say, I think you know it's not a wise decision to date this guy.

As far as messing up, yeah it's hard to tell L, but I still do. There's a reason why I do or don't do things. And especially if it's weighing on me, it's a good time to open up about it. Also, T and L and my rules are honesty first. If I'm not honest (or open), then they can't help me.

I feel like siding with the imaginary reply of your T here, might be a bad idea. Did he at least apologize & repent?

Yes, I'd feel very uncomfortable about telling T that I messed up, but we have a system in place that means I don't have to actually voice it for him to know - at least when it comes to my most uncomfortable issue.

Not really -the woman was not in my life. I didn't look to her as any sort or moral beacon or anything. I didn't have that much respect for their opinion about anything -certainly not about me.

I am guessing you already have questions about the wisdom of dating this person if you are titling it as having "messed up."

If you believe this relationship is in error in judgment, maybe it is exactly the topic you need to be discussing with your therapist so you can decide if and how to proceed to maintain your own safety -- not just physical but also mental.

Sometimes we dread the conversations most that we know we force us to face some harsh realities, but those are the important conversations.

I've worried about my therapist judging me for things I've done on multiple occasions. In fact, one of my texts to a former T about something that had just happened was something like, "I'm worried you'll be disgusted by me and never view me the same way again." That turned out to be OK. And I've prefaced things with my current T saying, "I'm concerned this will change your opinion of me." The most recent time, he said he's known me for more than 4 years, and he thinks his opinion of me is fairly set. And it didn't seem to affect how he is toward me.

In each case, it had more to do with my own opinion of myself. I felt bad about what I'd done or how I'd acted, so I assumed the T would as well. So the important thing to explore was my own opinions and feelings about myself. (It also comes into play when I worry about others in my life judging me.)

I think it can help to share your fears before telling your T what happened. Like, "I'm worried you're going to judge me or have a bad opinion of me." And see what they say. Also, if you are worried they will tell you to end the relationship, you could start by something like, "I've made up my mind on this and don't want you to tell me to end the relationship. I just want to talk to you about it." Ideally, they would let you talk through it without pressing their own views on you.

However, if she does say that you should stop seeing him, it would most likely be coming from a place of caring and concern, rather than judgment. So try to keep that in mind.

Stay safe.

It's your therapy. You pay this person to help and if you are not ready to hear, discuss or accept anything they i think its fine not to tell. You will talk when you are ready.

Feeling uncomfortable is not a bad thing. Feeling uncomfortable is natures way of telling you your actions are possibly not good one.

The thing is I know being with him is stupid but it's all I deserve. Just like I'm going to **** up my sobriety because I'm not a good person. I'm scheduled an appointment with my T next week but it'll be our last telehealth before I see my new T (through telehealth as well) and she's not going to know the background and today was a day of crashing so I don't really expect to have the spoons to explain things to her when I see her.

I know it’s easier said than done, but please be gentle with yourself. It’s actually quite common for people to date and/or sleep with their abusers after being r***d. For some it’s an attempt to replay the situation, but this time as the person in control. Others don’t know they deserve better (it sounds like you might fall into this category). I’m sure there are other reasons as well. I did the same when I was younger because I didn’t realize I’d been assaulted (I know that sounds kind of stupid).

Of course I don’t think you should date him, because you deserve and CAN get someone who respects and does not abuse you, and I’m worried about your safety, but I also want you to know that I think the decision to date him is about way more than simply poor judgment. I think it’s a trauma response, and I hope your T would see it that way also.

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I don't have an issue with this. That said, I personally wouldn't make this the topic if it was the last session with a therapist.

Hey @susannahsays. It sounds almost like you are planning to mess up your sobriety. I so know what your addiction was but does that sound possible?

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It depends on how I 'messed up'

However, in your specific situation, I would be concerned if your T did not have the reaction you are anticipating. That guy showed the 'potential' or dormant seed within him - meaning, what he has done before, he can/will do again. This is cause for concern. Hopefully, your T can support you in this.

How about instead of framing it as having “messed up,” letting your T know that you are struggling mightily with issues of self-worth at the moment, to the extent that you may be putting yourself in danger?

I don’t imagine that it would be very helpful for your T to scold, lecture or judge you. It might be more helpful to figure out how to act as though you are worthy until you’re able to believe it.

I don't have an addiction and have never had one. Not sure where I implied that I did? I have felt some trepidation over acquiring illicit ketamine and shrooms to see if they will help my depression, as medication is failing me. I know my therapist doesn't approve and I doubt my psychiatrist will, either. But that will mostly be because I got them from the dark web (my therapist is also ignorant about psychedelics and all the recent research).

I found the ketamine to be a distinctly unenjoyable experience, so no danger of me abusing it tbh. I tested it to make sure it wasn't cut with coke, meth, fentanyl, etc. The shrooms were interesting, but emotionally exhausting. I can't see myself abusing them either.

I have had thoughts of other drugs, but those are just passing temptations. I'm not looking to acquire an addiction. That's the last thing I need.

I think sarahsweets meant me because I'm approaching 1 year clean from opiates and I'm thinking of using again.

Theres stuff I wish I had not told my current T about my transfrence T. If I had just held these thoughts and feelings in I don't think my current T would think I was transferring my feelings from my previous T over to her. Which I'm not.

Somtimes you can give out too much information but you have to decide how much is too much and that can be hard to know. I personally didn't need to spill all the beans and then be stuck with such strict boundaries and a strict therapist.

Hugs, Mountaindewed, if wanted. Do you think maybe your feelings of transferance may not have shifted from former T to her because she is being so strict? I honestly think she has a point to act as she does (not telling you which food she eats, for instance), though I get wanting to know, too and feel your frustration.

Yeah I get what you mean. I know what shes doing and shes correct to do it I guess but its just tough leaving frustrated a lot of the time. I do have social skill issues and not being able to practice them because she thinks my intentions are neferious kinda sucks. Like, I'm not a bad person just because I want to know what kind of candy she likes

No, of course you are not and I doubt she thinks you are. I believe she may think (and if so I believe she is correct in thinking) that disabeling your transferance towards her takes precedence, as she can only help you cope with your troubles concerning the world outside of her office when your attention is not entirely focused in what is going on with your relationship to her.