When the pain of therapy is unbearable

Here's my in the moment rant:

It %#@&#! hurts way too much. This is healing? This is therapeutic? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't T answer that question? Why is he so damn far away right now? Why can't he soothe me?

Therapy is ******** garbage. I put this pain away many years ago for a reason. I don't need to get in touch with it.

I feel ya sister. Im doing EMDR therapy and it dredges all kinds of bad %#@&#! up....so needless to say i feel ya.

Do i like it? no. but i do think its helping.

I hope you have a better day.....take care.

Colleen

Ditto Sister, I'm not getting the therapeutic/healing part at this point either.

I'm just glad the autonomic nervous system is in control of breathing at this point.

Things will get better, eventually

((((((((((((Sister)))))))))))

Sometimes I think things need to hurt before they can get better....

Hang in there,

((sister))

My general question about therapy right now-- and this encompasses everything-- the relationship, the phone calls, the sharing of writing, art, music, the memories, the transference, is--

For what?

It %#@&#! hurts.

i feel that way allot. Right now its behind me. I hope that is encouraging to you. There was a time where being around my T was painful.. just going was interference. I finally feel balanced like I can share without feeling so much transference (sp?). I dont know. I think that place you are in is healing even though painful. I had to go through it to realize how closed off and untrusting i was. I had to know that even when she felt far away, she really wasnt.. she was the same (or at least most of the time). I'm wishing you peace during this time.

EV

Everything hurts right now, I hear what your saying sister! I have to ask why do it?? It hurts, therapy, life, everything.

YO Perna -- you're out of therapy. It seems to have worked. Tell us the secret. Tell us when the pain becomes healing. Tell us or I will drive down I-95 to find out all the secrets you are hiding from us.

Good question Sister and one that dredges up so much.

On the way home from work tonight, I was thinking what is the point of all of this? I've allowed myself to be vulnerable for the first time ever and when this is 'over' it is over. It is the finality of it all.

He doesn't care for me the way I care for him. This is a business relationship with intimate aspects to it. And the intimacy is all ours and not theirs!!!!!!

Sometimes I hate that I walked through his door two years ago. Other times, I'm so very glad I did.

Sometimes it really feels like a real close friendship or big brother relationship. Then I think, yeah me and the rest of his patients... @#$% him!!!!!

You are right the pain is unbearable when I let myself think this way. Even though in reality, I know what our 'relationship' is and isn't, that does NOTHING TO SOOTHE ME.

Thanks for letting me shout. Great thought provoking question.

((((((hugs to all)))) If you are going as slowly as you can in therapy, so as not to dredge up too much too fast, yes, it is of a healing nature. Stuffing memories harms you, denying them also. Working through memories, THROUGH them, is what gives you your power back, and gives you freedom to be who you truly are, and heals.

Therapy is work. Though there might be times that you are "breezing through" the tough times are still necessary. It's because they ARE so important to you that makes it difficult. If it didn't bother you...well, then it wouldn't bother you in therapy either.

((((hugs)))

Yeah guys. I'm glad I have loads of company on this morning's rant.

Now I have decided to try and reclaim my power. The heck with this.

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that does NOTHING TO SOOTHE ME.

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Oh I know Almeda! NOTHING AT ALL.....there are times when I think that therapy is nothing but a cruel hoax. They suck you in and pffffffft!!!

Well, now I have my costume and sword and there is no stopping me!!!!

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pinksoil said:
YO Perna -- you're out of therapy. It seems to have worked. Tell us the secret. Tell us when the pain becomes healing. Tell us or I will drive down I-95 to find out all the secrets you are hiding from us.

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It's easy. You know how you read a really good novel, especially a fantasy (not necessarily kid's like Harry Potter, a good adult one will do too) and all that happens to the characters happens to you too; Lord of the Rings will do? Well, keep reminding yourself you're stuck in a book like that Yes it hurts but you'll get the happy ending.

The book that did it for me was The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle. There's a longish quote in there by the hero character that I live by (and this book has ALL the good character types so there's someone for everyone to identify with) and the end line is, "The happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story." So, when I'm in the middle of a horrible spot I keep asking myself, "Are you happy now?" (without any ugly, rude, sarcastic intonation :-) and if the answer is "No" then I keep sloughing through, doing the best I can, knowing that every 100 pages or so either comic relief or some refuge will show up where I can rest and lick my wounds and wish I could stay there forever. . .

It doesn't hurt to have the ONE time your T grabbed you and impressed heck out of you for all time handy in your memory either. Mine showed up in my head with knives out to block my way so I couldn't wander down the wrong path I was on. This was extremely early in therapy, I had to stop and figure out what I was doing wrong (nevermind who let her into my head!) and I was duly impressed enough to know, "Hey, this chick is GOOD!" From then on when we didn't agree or she was being difficult and I couldn't get her to see things correctly and I was miserable I just remembered when she rescued me from myself that time and how I had immediately recognized what she'd done and pledged I was going to keep this one and work as hard as I could, etc. and that helped me believe she "cared" and would do it again. I don't think they waste their magical powers? So, if you've seen any magic spent on your behalf, they care and aren't going to suddenly stop?

When the pain gets really unbearable, I sometimes retreat. It's a natural defense mechanism. T says it's OK. Then come at it again another day.

Therapy has been really healing for me and I feel I have more to do. The pain has been extreme at times. I know I could not do this by myself. What allows me to go through all this pain is that I have T with me. I'm not alone, even when I am not with him. It helps so much. One time in therapy, we were doing this major painful thing, and the waves of pain were just coming over me. It was like I was in an ocean and I would get ready to say something, try to say something, and the wave would just sweep over me. It was very physical. T could even see the waves coming before I could. He would say, "here comes another one," and it would hit and practically knock me over. I can write about this now with some equanimity. It was so painful then, but like childbirth, another painful physical experience, I seem to have somehow blocked out a lot of the memory. I do remember it being an amazing experience, to go through that much pain, physical pain, while sitting on a couch in someone's office. T was so great in helping me through that. He told me after, he wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it through and that I would abandon the effort and retreat and not push through. He said he was proud of me for doing it. I think I showed a lot of courage that day and I feel proud of myself too.

Therapy is a crazy thing. I don't really understand all that I have experienced. A lot has been painful and there is more to come. But there's been a lot of joy too, in unexpected places and moments. I am much happier now than when I began therapy, and I've experienced some healing. This is definitely worth it for me. I hope I don't have to "stop" before I have accomplished all I hope to.

sister, I hope you can find your way to a place where it seems worth it to you.

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Sister said,
...there are times when I think that therapy is nothing but a cruel hoax.

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I'm currently feeling this way today too.

My goal for this week is to flip this feeling. I'm trying to focus on the progress I've made in other areas, settle myself, and try gain some trust in the process, and decide if I can really handle all this.

hmmm perna... all the stuff in the book happens to you.. quack? i know you mean seeing yourself as a character, but um.. no? i have never ever read a book that way, not even as a kid.. maybe this is why i suck?

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like someone said to me... kick him in the chins and stay.

You never got "lost" in a book or movie or anything, MzJello? I don't find that sucky of you, I just feel very sad for you as I find it a wonderful experience. You don't feel a bit of fear on a roller coaster or when the monster or bad guy almost gets the hero/heroine? No movie therapy http://psychologytoday.com/articles/...01-000035.html or bibliotherapy for you? http://www.indiana.edu/~reading/ieo/digests/d177.html

When therapy is not going well, is it always the fault of the patient? Is it always something that we are not doing correctly?

That is the impression I get...

Pachyderm, I certainly think it feels like that, although it is not necessarily true. For example, I have been with my T for over two years and I am still in the "pain" of therapy, going through a really bad depressive episode-- what naturally comes to my mind at this point is, what am I doing wrong? What choices could I make, how much more could I be pushing myself, what could I be doing better..... in order to make this work. The truth is, it could be a myriad of things. In my internship one of my favorite things that I have learned is to accept when a patient is just "where he/she is at." Sometimes that's what is going on. This is just where we are at right now. Maybe there is some misattunement between patient/therapist. Maybe there is too much resistance on the part of the patient. Resistance isn't someone's *fault* -- it's an unconscious process. I think in our situations, we do a lot of self-blame and a lot of self-loathing-- and unfortunately, this comes up in our therapy. We forget that there are really things that we don't have control over-- that there is a fine line between what is beyond what we can do and when we can push ourselves a little harder to get something done. Sometimes it's okay to just be where you're at.

I never saw therapy situations as faultable; I went to therapy because I was in pain; the ideas I had on how to handle thoughts, feelings, and actual situations in and about my life weren't working and I wanted someone to see if they could help guide me into looking at things differently so I could figure out different ways of dealing with them. One of the things I learned (I think it only took me 16 years) was that I had to get the thoughts, feelings, and situations "out there" to be looked at by both me and my T and not just having them inside my ijit little head where they weren't doing me any good. A collarary was that I had to learn to check with my T (and others) what they were thinking, feeling, and how they viewed the situation. Sitting and talking without listening to and truly hearing self or others doesn't do a whole lot of good. However, since the thinking, feeling and situations situation was painful already, it couldn't possibly get less painful dragging it out kicking and screaming for T to look at and then hearing what T had to say about it.

But, bottom line is that it IS all about me or whomever so yeah, one has to learn to own one's thoughts, feelings and situations. They are all that are in one's life. T can't own our stuff, we can't own T's stuff. T says or does something that hurts us, we have to look at it just like everything else, can't wallow in "Mommy! She hurt me!" The hurt is our feeling, not something inherent in the word/deed. Not everyone would respond to the hurt the way we choose to or, would even see what was said/done as hurtful! We have to sort all that out and decide what to do about feeling hurt. Do we check out why we feel hurt and whether the other person knows we feel hurt and what that hurt "means" and what we want to do about it or do we decide to shut down and/or retaliate (my favorite response with my stepmother)? Having a goal of what to do when pain is at its worst helps us ignore the pain some until we get to the goal. I remembered good things about my T and what happened to my favorite characters in books, what they said (like sister's Movie quotes post) that rang true for me and would help me. I like my signature line for that reason, it's the sort of "truth" I want to remember when it's getting hard to see anything except what is right in front of me and, at the moment, that really isn't nice :-)

I often refer to the book "The Psychiatric Interview" by Harry Stack Sullivan. (He uses "interview" to cover everything from a brief fact-finding session to long-term work.) The reason I do so is because it is very meaningful to me. Here are a few items from the first chapter of the book:

"To sum up, the psychiatric interview, as considered here, is primarily a two-group in which there is an expert-client relationship, the expert being defined by the culture... the interviewee expects the person who sits behind the desk to show a really expert grasp on the intricacies of interpersonal relationships; he expects the interviewer to show skill in conducting the interview. The greater this skill, other things being equal, the more easily will the purpose of the interview be achieved..."

"...the psychiatrist has an inescapable, inextricable involvement in all that goes on in the interview; and to the extent that he is unconscious or unwitting of his participation in the interview, to that extent he does not know what is happening..."

In other words, there are TWO people [directly] involved in the therapy. One is supposed to be "skilled" in interpersonal relationships. That does not happen automatically. It does not necessarily happen with "training." The course of the therapy depends not only on the pathology existing in the client, but to a large extent on the skill of the therapist -- that is, whether the therapist actually knows what he or she is doing -- how well the therapist knows his or her own mind. I think there are many who really do not -- and are largely unaware of that. Good intentions do not replace knowledge.

Off

That's why I've always liked an older therapist as the chances of an unskilled one "surviving" life and therapy aren't all that good :-) As I think you have pointed out well, Pachy, it's not something that can necessarily be taught or that happens automatically. Most people in any given occupation are going to have to be, only average. I still remember a General Practitioner doctor I had back before specialization was the thing, who worked in her home and got a call from another patient and took it and I heard her say she had gotten a "C" in bone setting :-) It startled me to think of "doctors" not being good at all things doctorly to the same degree.

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pinksoil said:
how much more could I be pushing myself, what could I be doing better.....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Maybe it is the opposite, and that you shouldn't be pushing yourself so much. Maybe just sit back in therapy and let things happen. You have a great T. Sit back with him and relax.

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Sometimes it's okay to just be where you're at.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes!

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pachyderm wrote:
When therapy is not going well, is it always the fault of the patient? Is it always something that we are not doing correctly?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">pachyderm, I think there are many ways of doing therapy, not one "correct" way. Your T can give you guidance if you could be doing something in therapy differently that would faciliate progress--e.g. giving him more feedback, etc. Similarly, you can tell him what would help you. Pachy, RE what you wrote about the psychiatric interview, I think most therapists would be the first to agree that there are two people involved in therapy. It's a relationship.

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perna wrote:
I never saw therapy situations as faultable

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I kind of feel the same way. I don't spend time wondering whose "fault" in therapy something is. I try to make as best use of my therapist's skill set as I can. My previous therapist had a different skill set. I was with her until I had exhausted it and then moved on to someone with different skills for what I needed next. It doesn't mean anything was her fault or my fault that we aren't still together.

it is worth it if your therapist is qualified!

hang in there...

also, same sex therapist/client has less problems - which are mostly transference issues anyway, right?

tell the truth, face your issues, be brave, know you are supported, maybe join a physical support group if one is available while doing all this, and visit here and just hang on....

one day, real soon, you'll breathe a sigh of relief having wisdom about your life that you can take with you - to handle situations up ahead, and presently.

hold on to hope or find something to be grateful for today, and use it to face the sessions...you can do it!

nightbird

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sunrise said:I think there are many ways of doing therapy, not one "correct" way. Your T can give you guidance if you could be doing something in therapy differently that would faciliate progress--e.g. giving him more feedback, etc. Similarly, you can tell him what would help you. Pachy, RE what you wrote about the psychiatric interview, I think most therapists would be the first to agree that there are two people involved in therapy. It's a relationship.

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I think I am seeing more clearly now that the deeper the wound the more skilled the therapist must be. Your suggestion about asking the T for guidance is probably a good one. I react to that sort of thing with the instinct that it would be completely stupid to ask. It would be asking for abuse. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I seem to be so immersed in reactions to my own childhood that I don't realize how extensive it is. I have written here before about not being able to distinguish between my mother and my therapist == or more accurately, between what he might do and what my mother did do. I am so soaked in my past experience that it is nearly impossible to get beyond it. And maybe most therapists, not having a similar experience, simply do not understand how someone with that experience reacts. They do not see the need to take extra care, cannot believe that someone is not faking.

My mother would take any indication of neediness on our part as an attack on her, so that we learned never to make any expression of that need . This may not be relevant to the present discussion, but I remember something she used to do: if she ever caught one of us with our thumb in our mouth (this was before pacifiers) she would angrily jerk it out. This accompanied, of course, by words of hate and condemnation. This stuff soaks into one and is forgotten as a specific cause of anxiety...