when the pain... is unbearable.....

Triggering.......









I am not sure how to even post this.... yet I feel absolutely complelled... anything to relieve the pain....the unbearable pain.....

I went to the body memory massage T..... and also my T... not good... to do in the same day... but... unavoidable due to holidays...

So... I got there.. at the massage T... wrong time.. I do that alot.. right day.. wrong time... or wrong day... right time...

so was caught in alter that couldn't drive... so waited a very long time.....

my pain... going in was thru my entire body... there is only two spots that I can bear to be touched.. my tummy.. and my sternm bone... somehow.. this is the most comforting feeling in the whole world....and yet... touch my leg.. or my foot.. or my arm... and I simply leave my body in swish.. gone.. not to be found.....

going to my T... I got thrown... jolted... into my 5 year old alter... she was raped by her dad... and she gave oral sex... and she makes me postively sick to my tummy whenever she is or has been present... she... threw.. up after one time of oral sex.. and her dad beat her.... and she howls... but she can't get any words... out..... her dad... started fondling her.. when she was 3... then by 4... he used himself on her.... and by 5.. rape... and severe unbearable pain....mom put her in a hot tub.. to ease the pain....

I don't know how to help her... when she is in my T office and present she needs to vomit.. she chokes.. and chokes.. and is deathly ill... and I can't help her... she makes the rest of the alters... want to binge away the pain or do worse... all the alters get upset.. the 10 year old.. tells her pain... brought on by the other alter....of her dads rejection of her... because.. she turned into a woman... she deveopled early... that should be a good thing... but... rejection is tough... when there is no one... but no one that loves you.... so bad love.. is at least love... in her eyes...
so much pain in one session.... all the alters...all their pain...

One alter that insists.. that her life.. her childhood was perfect.....bringing pain... to the alters that were molested and beaten... everywhere I turn... within me.. pain...

the pain.... the aftermath... is unbearable... it is.. horrible... I don't know.. what to do...

I don't know if any of it is worth it......

The T... hears... all the alters out... it is like a revolving door.. and going around and around....

a world of pain... and no bandaides....

am exhausted....

(((((Freewill)))))) Hugs are not enough but they are all I have. Know we are thinking of you and wishing you safe.

(((((freewill)))))

My heart goes out to you. I understand that unbearable pain, a pain that I want no one to know of. I hide that pain from everyone, so no one knows. Somehow no one can know--no one. Hiding it from even the people you really want to trust but somehow it seems dangerous--but you do not want them to know, so you once again mask up while underneath is caous.

Inside the others rip and scream but no one knows. That revolving door you speak of I feel everyday. The coming and going of the others and the fear that no one really cares or wants to hear about what I feel or am going through. That somehow, I am suppose to get better, putting a pressure upon myself as something I have always known and therefore falsely placing those same feelings on others.

Confusing, mind racing--will not slow down. Too many vying for time, to be heard, and not understanding that they will get their time. I know the horror--the memories--the blank time--and the pain. The sharp ever-lasting pain.

I know your exhaustion and how holding up gets so heavy. And sometimes I ask the same question of is it worth it?. Freewill, hold on to my hand that is reaching out to you-----------------and together we will reach forward. It is worth it because we cannot let them win. The longer we hold on and the more progress we make, the more we take back ourselves.

It will not be easy, and at times it will seem as though we are sinking in quicksand--but we are alive. We do make it--it is just hard to walk back to release the pain. To bring the frames back together where it got so bad we had to stop the breath to live.

Please know I am here and I am listening and understand. Feel free to pm me. I love you my friend.

cami

Free - hoping not to re-trigger you...

you wrote "the 10 year old.. tells her pain... brought on by the other alter....of her dads rejection of her... because.. she turned into a woman... she deveopled early... that should be a good thing... but... rejection is tough... when there is no one... but no one that loves you.... so bad love.. is at least love... in her eyes..."

are you saying that when you matured into a woman the dad was no longer interested in that way? that was me... that *form* of his abuse stopped when i became a woman. He hated women and hated me for it. Then he started repressing me; wanted me in long hair, long denim skirts, no make up, no jewelry. whenever i dressed in high heels, make up, necklaces, knee length skirts or higher, he would call me a slut, throw dimes and pennies at me, insinuate that i was worthless. I couldn't even wear a tang top around him, he'd ask if i was practicing for stripping.

(((((((((((free)))))))))) hang in there hon, breathe out the pain tonight and get some sleep, ready to face tomorrow....
(((((((((cami)))))))))))))) so much pain in the world for so many people.
Kiya

(((((((((((((((((((((freewill)))))))))))))))))))
dont worry hon. it is hard now, but it will get better.its good you are being brave enough to let it out.
big hugs and well wishes for your future.
dot

that left me speechless and paralyzed

am just sitting here, wanting and needing to say something and i'm frozen. just feeling such sadness and weight inside. just sitting here...

saying i'm sorry you had to endure that doesn't seem like nearly enough...the exhaustion with trying to keep living i completely understand.

the way you wrote it and what you said came from such intense feeling. the "any love is better than no love" makes me want to cry along with you

i'm locked up as to what to say and yet you've really touched such a deep place inside of me. i can really hear and feel your pain.

well, now i don't know how to end. i wish i could've said something worthwhile.

susan, you did say something worthwhile - you reached out. Just don't take the pain inside yourself, ok? People who have been through so much (aka, everyone in PC) can take on other's pain without even knowing it. Which then boggs down that person even more. I hope you are taking care of yourself, too. Self care includes not being a sponge (i am hoping this is coming out in a 'loving manner', am not trying to put anyone down)... transfered trauma can happen just in supporting and we can all help each other out with that so that we can all continue posting about our lives as well as being safe and healthy with each other.

I have really had tooo much sugar and am off on the former planet pluto with this one... I CARE! Really!
Hugs to everyone in this thread!!

love to all of you.. thank you....

more therpay today.. and exhausted....

lovies to all...

and yes sweet Kiya... my dad did not want a "woman"....

freewill...I feel your pain because I care about you so much. Words can't describe how horrible this makes me feel--I get angry that you were treated in such a manner--I am saddened that you lost your childhood--I am worried about you. Please, please take care of yourself. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you...I am always here for you.

I am sorry, I forgot to say thank you for trusting us with a part of yourself...you are a very strong woman to be able to come here and talk about this...