[KLL85]

So I think I’ve had my final ever therapy session today. It wasn’t planned to be the final session but I think I have to accept that therapy just isn’t going to work for me. The relational developmental trauma from my very early childhood has damaged me too much for therapy to be effective. I need more from a therapist than they are willing to give me. I have no friends or family. I am completely alone so my therapist becomes the sole person in my life that I have for support. I need/want them to offer more support than they can or are willing to give within boundaries. The therapeutic relationship isn’t enough to heal me.
The impact of my trauma means that forming other social/support networks is just not possible. I do not know how to make friends, I don’t know how to cope in social situations without them overwhelming me and causing me intense distress.
So without having any other support network to relieve some of the pressure of wanting my therapist to be more than he can be, I think I need to come to terms with the fact that unfortunately therapy can’t help me and ends up causing me more pain than I started with.
The problem I’m left with is if therapy can’t help, then I simply have no desire to continue living. There is nothing in my life that gives me any joy, I live to work and work to live. That is all there is and I hate working and hugely struggle to cope with it due to my mental health.
I have interests, but nothing I’m passionate about, I’ve never been passionate about anything really.
I genuinely don’t feel like life is for me, particularly when I consider all the awful things that are happening in the world. I can’t live with the constant pain and hurt inside of me that consumes me every single day. It’s too much to cope with any longer.
I text my therapist after the session today telling him to cancel next week’s sessions as I thought it was time to accept therapy can’t help me and he’s replied saying he respects my decision. We talked about some of this today and he agrees that therapy is unlikely to be successful if the person doesn’t have other forms of social support as well.
My intense and deep attachment to him means I’m going to find this unbearably painful but what would be the point in continuing if neither myself or my therapist truly believes I can be helped.
I feel like I need to find the acceptance that things are never going to get better. I am not capable of change. My patterns of thinking are just too ingrained to be challenged.
How do I come to terms with the fact that therapy will never help me? I’ve tried medication and that didn’t help either. There is nothing left.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs if wanted, KLL. I'm very sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I had an answer. Have you actually told your T all this, what you typed out here? If not, it could be worth doing, to see what they say, if they have suggestions.

Does your therapist specialize in trauma? And have you tried EMDR? It could be you need a different T with a different approach or a different form of treatment. Some therapists are much more available to their clients, too. And you mentioned medication--what about other non-medication treatments like, for example, ECT, which my T has said can really help people (even though the idea of it is scary)? Or something like biofeedback or hypnosis?

I just hate to hear that you seem to be giving up on being helped, but I also understand how it can feel hopeless....

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I am so sorry. I can really feel the pain in your words.

The first thing that springs to mind is maybe the problem isn't therapy per se, but your therapist. I don't mean your therapist is terrible but maybe he's not right for you. No therapist is right for everyone. I know it feels hopeless just now and I totally understand why, but the right therapist CAN be life changing. That said, I absolutely understand the difficulties with starting with someone else and investing in therapy again, especially with how you're feeling. But the right therapist can help you form relationships and work with all the difficulties you describe. You're not too damaged. I was an exceptionally broken, needy and dysfunctional human being when I found my university t and somehow she ended up being the person I needed. It IS intense, all the wounds and desires and needs do come out and that can be agonising, but very often they come out in other areas of life whereas in therapy they can be worked with.

It sounds to me like your T hasn't been able to meet your needs. You're not too much. Nearly every client thinks that. It takes the therapist to show they can handle what you bring. Not every therapist can, but believe me when I say many are capable of holding your pain, it's just finding one that's so hard.

I understand it all feels so tough right now and you don't feel like carrying on. I've been there too. But there is a way forward and you deserve to find someone or something that supports you. Is it worth trying a couple of other ts and explaining how you feel and saying you have intense trauma to work with and feel hopeless? Maybe see how they respond and whether they have anything to offer?

If you don't want to try therapy again, are there any local groups that might help? Meditation, yoga, a support group?

I don't believe anyone is too damaged for therapy but the wrong T can make you feel like that. There's always hope even when it feels hopeless. Try and hold onto that glimmer of hope right now. Your life has value.

[KLL85]

Thanks both.
I had a conversation about it today with my T through my sobbing, I avoided the parts about not wanting to live anymore as I don’t trust him around that topic since he broke my confidentiality. I just feel like he doesn’t know how to help, but doesn’t want to say that. I know he’s tried a lot of stuff that has worked with others but hasn’t made any difference to me. He knows I need him to be more than just a therapist, and to be fair to him he isn’t a blank slate therapist, he is open to more relational stuff but just not on the level I need.
I’ve trusted him and opened up to him more than any other therapist in the past so in some ways he does feel like the best fit. All my previous therapists have had even firmer boundaries.
Although he doesn’t advertise himself as a ‘trauma specialist’ all of his work is generally trauma based, specifically relational development trauma in childhood. He’s also done a lot of work with CSA. He’s a good therapist, I’m just too much.
Part of the problem I have is that one of my experiences of CSA was perpetrated by a medical professional and therefore I find medical settings and those types of people terrifying and extremely triggering. I have also had very harmful experiences with GPS, psychiatric nurses etc when I have sought help for my MH in the past, which is why I went private.
I’ve tried several types of therapy - CBT which I found useless, DBT which parts of it retraumatised me and psychodynamic which I struggled with due to blank slate type of approach. Current T is integrative.
Also part of the problem is that being in the UK, we are not as far forward with alternative types of therapy as the states. I looked for a somatic therapist as I had heard this can be better for preverbal trauma than traditional talk therapy, as those traumatised infant parts don’t have the language to express themselves, but there are very few around.
EMDR is not something I’ve really looked in to, although I have heard good things. It’s just expensive compared to what I currently pay.
I’m just exhausted and everything feels overwhelming and hopeless. I feel like a complete failure. I know the problem is me, I know only I can change, but I just don’t feel like I am capable. I feel so powerless.

[KLL85]

He has also very often told me I am not too much. But at the same time he is unwilling to meet so many of my needs. So if he can’t meet my needs how am I not too much?

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Integrative can cover all sorts of approaches and at the end of the day it's about the relationship, particularly in trauma work. Do you like your T? Do you feel safe with him? He broke your confidentiality which must be scary, although he may have had a good reason.

I've seen mainly humanistic counsellors (I'm also in the UK and as you know it's the most common approach) but they are all SO different. The T I see now is worlds away from the T I saw ten years ago. Both humanistically trained, yet can't be more different.

I can't comment on different types of therapies as my experience has been gradually healing through the relationship. I needed a mother figure and that's where my healing has been, albeit in different ways.

It's trial and error and I wish I had answers for you, I truly do. I think if you can't see a way forward with this T it may be worth trying a couple of others and seeing what their approach is. I know you say others were stricter with boundaries...it's just so hard getting the right balance with a T and so much of it is about negotiating the relationship as time goes on anyway. At least in my experience.

Your T may be unwilling to meet your needs for lots of reasons, not that they are too much. He may feel it's not his place to, or that you will find a way to meet them yourself or through other means. Have you asked him about this?

Therapy is not the only way to deal with your sadnesses and despair. Sometimes I believe therapy is fundamentally exploitative, regardless of modality or individual therapist style. I think the difficulty is finding other ways to support yourself, to nourish yourself and to find some space for some human connection.

Do you do anything somatic? Artistic? Can you try ways to connect with your self, even if you try once? I don't know, life is hard and relationships are hard. I hope you can find a way for yourself, no matter how slow and slight.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and going through this. I have definitely experienced the feelings of being "too much" for my therapist and pdoc so I can relate there.

I am in the US and an unfamiliar with the details of the UK system. Do you have something like a partial hospitalization program or an intensive outpatient program? I did an intensive outpatient program last fall and it was extremely helpful. I was very suicidal when I went in and I got three groups a week plus two individual sessions and a social worker. It really helped to stabilize me. I am still in aftercare which is one group a week. I see an individual therapist on my own now and I see her once or twice a week.

It's hard when everything is overwhelming and feels hopeless. And when you feel powerless. I wish I had the "right words" to say that things can and do get better. I say that even as I am struggling with my own mental health right now. But my T literally told it to me a couple of days ago and I am holding onto that because I trust her. For who knows what reason. But I do.

Please don't give up. You are worth fighting for.

HUGS if wanted/tolerated. Kit

[Waterbear]

If he can't meet your needs, then he is not enough. I am in the UK too and I know from my searches that what (I think) you are looking for is difficult to find. Difficult, but not impossible. That type of deep relational work is life changing, But most therapists aren't willing to go there. Like you, I had no friends, no passions, no interests, no sense of self, no feelings, no one I could trust or turn to. I found someone willing to be that pillar for me, who allowed me to be that small child again and to learn to grow and develop in the right way. To learn how to make friends, to find my place in this world. To become me. Like someone else said, it can be life changing. It has been life changing, but it needs the right person. You are not too much, but your therapist isn't enough. There is a huge difference.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like there is no hope, no way forwards. I don't know what else to say except I can really hear your pain and I hate to see you in that place, as I have been there myself.

[Lostislost]

I feel your post so much, we have many similarities. I was wondering if it's time to quit therapy for those reasons as well. Whatever happens, I hope you can feel ok with yourself soon.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by KLL85

He has also very often told me I am not too much. But at the same time he is unwilling to meet so many of my needs. So if he can’t meet my needs how am I not too much?

What "needs" are you referring to?

I also strongly relate to your post.

I'm deeply attached to a therapist who, when I look at the situation objectively, probably is not able to do the trauma work I need to do. It's a miserably painful and convoluted situation to be in.

I find CBT mostly useless because it feels like lying to myself. Unfortunately, my therapist's main obsession is CBT.

I hear only good things about EMDR.

My heart goes out to you. And here's the thing: you sound profoundly depressed. I understand that you have all those bad feelings, hopelessness, and helplessness. And what feels like a perfectly logical desire to not exist. You mentioned that you've tried medication in the past and that it didn't help you. But what have you tried? There are sooo many antidepressants. Have you tried each one? It is very possible that your depression is telling you stories that are exaggerated.

The last point I want to mention is what someone else on this thread posted. You are not too much for your therapist. Your therapist, however, may well be not enough for you.

I know that's horribly hard to hear, but in your case it may be true.

[Deejay14]

What is it that you want therapist to do that they are hesitant on doing?. Maybe if we knew that I might be able to be more help. I am sure you are not too much for him. You trusted to share your story with the group and that is a great start.

I know my doc does not think I am too much at the same time its not part of his job to take me out to coffee. People are very helpful here.

[Mendingmysoul]

I am so sorry you are suffering. I too have much trauma from my childhood.I can relate to your feelings.Please don't lose hope.Praying for you.Hugs.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

If he can't meet your needs, then he is not enough. I am in the UK too and I know from my searches that what (I think) you are looking for is difficult to find. Difficult, but not impossible. That type of deep relational work is life changing, But most therapists aren't willing to go there. Like you, I had no friends, no passions, no interests, no sense of self, no feelings, no one I could trust or turn to. I found someone willing to be that pillar for me, who allowed me to be that small child again and to learn to grow and develop in the right way. To learn how to make friends, to find my place in this world. To become me. Like someone else said, it can be life changing. It has been life changing, but it needs the right person. You are not too much, but your therapist isn't enough. There is a huge difference.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like there is no hope, no way forwards. I don't know what else to say except I can really hear your pain and I hate to see you in that place, as I have been there myself.

I feel your pain so much. The part I bolded I think is very true. I have found a wonderful trauma T, that so far has been willing to meet my relational needs. It is possible, even if it feels impossible. I know. I've struggled for 20+ years until I found her. (I did not try therapy during all those years, though!)

[KLL85]

Thank you for all of your supportive replies and being so kind. It made me cry. I’m really struggling and don’t have the headspace at the moment to reply properly, but I just wanted to say thank you.
I’m so sorry that many of you can relate to how I am feeling. It is a truly an awful place to be.

[Rive.]

I know only I can change, but I just don’t feel like I am capable. I feel so powerless.

You are right in that you are the one who has to change and/or do the work. It does not mean you have to do it alone. I believe change is possible with support - meaning, your current T however much he has helped may no longer be the best support *now* for what you need.

In that sense, you are not hopeless. You 'just' haven't found the best source of support to help you right now. That is a major distinction to make.

It also doesn't have to be therapy. It can be other peer or support groups. You can try activities that involve your body, movement, creative expression, sports, dance etc. Anything that helps you feel connected (to anything) in the moment and sink into that - this is another form of support. Other non-human forms of support may be pets: do you have one? can you volunteer at a shelter otherwise? or pet-sit?

[ElectricManatee]

I agree with everybody else. It's so, so hard to find a good trauma therapist who is willing to go deep and then have them also be somebody you click with. I've gotten something different from every therapist I've seen, so maybe a new one could offer you something different that would be useful. I also recommend EMDR, even if you're mostly done with therapy, because it works quickly (months instead of years type of thing) and it's been really helpful for me. It has kind of turned down the reactivity of my brain so that things that used to really stress me out or cause an intense emotional reaction just don't bother me that much anymore. It's pretty efficient once you get the groundwork done (learning grounding skills and stuff), so it might be worth the extra cost just to see what you can get out of it. It has also made the other relational therapy stuff easier to manage because my brain is in a calmer place now.

[stopdog]

It never did anything useful for me that they said it would.

[Fuzzybear]

Good post. I completely agree with this.

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

I am so sorry. I can really feel the pain in your words.

The first thing that springs to mind is maybe the problem isn't therapy per se, but your therapist. I don't mean your therapist is terrible but maybe he's not right for you. No therapist is right for everyone. I know it feels hopeless just now and I totally understand why, but the right therapist CAN be life changing. That said, I absolutely understand the difficulties with starting with someone else and investing in therapy again, especially with how you're feeling. But the right therapist can help you form relationships and work with all the difficulties you describe. You're not too damaged. I was an exceptionally broken, needy and dysfunctional human being when I found my university t and somehow she ended up being the person I needed. It IS intense, all the wounds and desires and needs do come out and that can be agonising, but very often they come out in other areas of life whereas in therapy they can be worked with.

It sounds to me like your T hasn't been able to meet your needs. You're not too much. Nearly every client thinks that. It takes the therapist to show they can handle what you bring. Not every therapist can, but believe me when I say many are capable of holding your pain, it's just finding one that's so hard.

I understand it all feels so tough right now and you don't feel like carrying on. I've been there too. But there is a way forward and you deserve to find someone or something that supports you. Is it worth trying a couple of other ts and explaining how you feel and saying you have intense trauma to work with and feel hopeless? Maybe see how they respond and whether they have anything to offer?

If you don't want to try therapy again, are there any local groups that might help? Meditation, yoga, a support group?

I don't believe anyone is too damaged for therapy but the wrong T can make you feel like that. There's always hope even when it feels hopeless. Try and hold onto that glimmer of hope right now. Your life has value.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree. It is your Therapist who is ''not enough''.. not you. Unfortunately he has it all backwards. Hugs (if ok)

Originally Posted by Waterbear

If he can't meet your needs, then he is not enough. I am in the UK too and I know from my searches that what (I think) you are looking for is difficult to find. Difficult, but not impossible. That type of deep relational work is life changing, But most therapists aren't willing to go there. Like you, I had no friends, no passions, no interests, no sense of self, no feelings, no one I could trust or turn to. I found someone willing to be that pillar for me, who allowed me to be that small child again and to learn to grow and develop in the right way. To learn how to make friends, to find my place in this world. To become me. Like someone else said, it can be life changing. It has been life changing, but it needs the right person. You are not too much, but your therapist isn't enough. There is a huge difference.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like there is no hope, no way forwards. I don't know what else to say except I can really hear your pain and I hate to see you in that place, as I have been there myself.