Wanting your T

Have you thought about exploring other churches? I mean I understand that you still want church of some sort but perhaps a kinder one or whatever the term would be?

(I am trying to tread lightly here because I am someone who believes religion causes more pain than it relieves and I may be using the wrong terms)

Well we are going through some changes right now as a Church. Our Pastor retired, we are looking for another one, so we'll see what comes of it. I'm attached emotionally I guess to some of the people there so that would tough I suppose, to say goodbye to them.

Ugh, I'm sorry Kit. She seems really flaky with scheduling. I mean, I know this was a car thing, but there was the trip to Vegas, then she had a fall at one point, right? And issues with her teeth? I know they're all separate things (though the Vegas one would bother me!) But it seems like she should find a time that works for you. Hugs...

ETA: Also, it sounds frustrating that she's offering up times, then taking them back. She needs to figure out what she can offer before she suggests them to you. I hope you can find a time this week to meet with her.

Kit, I'm not pushing you in either direction, I just wanted to say: you can have a connection with people without being in the same church as them. If there's some people you like, but not the overall message, you can still explore options for the overall thing while maintaining relationships with the people that are nice.

I definitely relate to the feelings of wanting T and longing for comfort from her. Sometimes they are unbearable. They are totally normal feelings to have, especially in context with therapy when all sorts of feelings from the past are stirred up. They're not bad or wrong.

I understand not knowing how to feel about her text. I would be really disappointed by that response. My guess is she was trying to normalise having feelings and needs, which is a good thing to do if it fits with where you are, but unfortunately she missed what you were needing from her in the moment and didn't really empathise. It was a misattunement, as it were.

Such a shame your sessions have been messed up. It's so unsettling especially after all this. I hope you hear from her about a time soon.

In regard to religion/church, I have nothing against it as I share many beliefs, but I think religion often tries to make you run before you can walk in regard to needs and self sacrifice. It doesn't teach that people who grew up with severely unmet needs will naturally seek to meet those needs and develop a healthy sense of self before they can reach a point of being able to give oneself to their faith in a wholesome way. From a psychological perspective, Carl Jung (I think) said that people need to grow a healthy ego before they can let go of it. Religion can become a way to deny your own needs and keep you stuck otherwise, when it should be the opposite - encouraging growth and healing.

Her less than helpful response does not take away from your feeling (and ultimately expressing) wanting to see her, SK. Your feelings are the truth, it is how you felt. So, I would not regret having spoken your truth. (regardless of her subpar response, your truth doesn't change)

I just wish for you that she had been more professional and set an appointment rather than sending you text after text of irrelevant information and leaving you dangling...

Btw, there is nothing wrong with you. You are struggling and need support.

CNS, not necessarily. I was a part of a church that was similar to Kit's. I lost everyone. It would be nice if Kit could maintain those relationships, but it doesn't mean she will.

I'm not trying to scare you, Kit. I just know how important and a big part of you life this church is. While I no longer support these types of churches, I understand the draw to them.

Thank you everyone for your replies and thoughts. Probably will write more on this later. I'm kind of a mess at the moment and need to get my crap together so I can respond properly.

Hopefully I hear from my T about a time soon when we can actually meet. Although I have the "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop" sort of feeling. Like maybe she is going to dump me as a client or something.

I tried to see if I could get a teledoc therapy appointment just to get some support but nothing was soon, so I didn't bother. I can probably see T before then.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I was mainly speaking from my own experience, where people in such organizations would be mostly understanding!

No worries, CNS. I wasn't offended. HUGS kit

How do you feel about sending something like this to T: 'hey T, let me know a time. I need support' (or 'i am struggling' or 'I need to connect' or whatever it is you feel you need)

Yeah, good idea, Rive. If I don't hear from her today, I'll send that tomorrow. I think I have met my text quota today. (Not that we have a quota but I have already texted her a few times.)

I wasn't offened either Was only giving my experience. I don't actually know Kit's church. I just know from what she's said, mine was similar. But her fellowship might be more open then mine were.

No appointment time from T yet. She did text me to tell me that I am not fine. (Actually in my text I had said I will be fine. Not that I was fine.) And that I would be okay. (How the heck does she know that I will be okay? I don't even know if I will be okay. It's probably just something they say to try to be comforting.) Then she asked if I was at home or work. But no times yet as to when she can meet. Sigh.

I feel like somehow I cosmically caused this car accident to happen by telling her that I was looking forward to talking to her today. I knew that when I sent that I should not because SOMETHING would happen and we wouldn't be able to talk today. And then sure enough, that's exactly what happened. That is probably "magical thinking" or some such nonsense on my part but it looks like it came true.

I'm glad she responded in some way, but sorry she hasn't given you a time yet. Maybe with the "You'll be OK," she was trying to get you to have faith in yourself that you'll get through it? I don't tend to find that helpful for me either.


I understand what you mean about the magical thinking, as I do that as part of OCD. I feel like I caused something to happen to lead T to switch to virtual Sunday because when I was at a concert Saturday night near his office, I thought to myself, "I'll be right back here in a little over 12 hours" and had also thought of something I might was to share in session (that would work better in person).

Thanks LT. Sorry you can relate to the magical thinking part. At least we both know we aren't the only ones who do it! HUG Kit

Well T is coming over to my house this afternoon to meet with me and my parents to as she put it, "form a working together relationship" to support me. I've never met T in person before so that's a bit nerve-wracking. And I have never had a T come to my house before, so that's a bit nerve-wracking. And my Mom has sat in on a couple of pdoc appointments with me but never a therapy session, so that's going to be weird.

I"m trying not to think about it too much and just work on my work tasks today. But yeah, it's kind of hard because I know it is coming up today. She and I never talked about this before and then it sort of just happened and true to her random self, she was like, I'm free tomorrow (this was yesterday) so it's going to happen. Not too sure how I feel about everything. But I hope it goes well. Fingers crossed.

Feels like she sprung this on you? Do you agree to having your parents present?? That is a lot... first T coming to your house (I don't know how you feel about that) then having parents present.

This should have been discussed with you... at length.. re what is going to happen, what she will share, how *you* feel about any of that, any of your questions and/or concerns, what you want to be shared (or not!) in front of parents & IF you agree to this in the first place.

Having other people present is a big move and really needs to be paved beforehand. Not... sprung last minute.

Sorry if this is an unhelpful post. I am just speechless (this is *not* how a T ought to proceed!!)

I agree with this and either commented on it in this thread or on the Couch. Sounds like it's in place now though.


Kit, if there's anything you don't want your T to discuss with your parents, I wonder if maybe you could email or text her beforehand? I think that's what I'd be most worried about (say, if I brought my H to a session with me). Or maybe ask if she could let you take the lead on what topics to discuss? I do hope it goes well....

I agree with Rive and LT. It seems weird and inappropriate for a T to suggest this, at least without consulting you at length first and having good reasons why such an approach would benefit you. I know therapy is different in different countries, but here it's very unusual for a therapist to meet family members, at least unless it's part of a specific approach that the therapist has trained in. It's also very unusual for a therapist to go to a client's house, although it has been done (my T came to mine once, but then she is quite unconventional).

I just hope you feel reassured that the reasons for your T to do this are solid and you have a right to your feelings about it, before and afterwards. You certainly have a right to keep any information confidential that you choose. Confidentiality is massive in the UK which is why speaking to anyone outside the therapy room (apart from a supervisor) is very, very rare.

I really help this works out well for you.

Thanks, everyone.

I sort of feel like I am committed to it now, even though it was only presented to me yesterday and we never talked about it before. It sounds like she may have done this sort of thing before, but I don't know. I know former T discussed it with me a couple of times but I never pursued it.

It's just a bit weird to me--her coming to the house--I am leaving work early so I can do stuff like make up my bed and put away a few clothes. I don't want her to judge me. Plus my Mom has short term memory loss so she repeats a lot of stuff. So that might be tricky. Also it feels a bit weird to be putting my parents in this position when they are older now and it's like I should be taking care of them. So I feel a bit infantilized. Maybe.

I texted a couple of friends about it. One didn't respond. One said, hope your meeting goes well. Yeah me too, but I was looking for more support than that. I looked online for some information about this type of meeting and I think it is called a collateral session.

I just hope it all goes smoothly and that meeting her isn't weird. And that meeting her in my house isn't weird. And that the meeting isn't weird. And that my parents aren't weirded out by it. There seems like a whole lot of potential for it to go wrong and that's scary but I'm trying to just relax and "trust the process."

Thanks, Kit

I do hope it goes well, Kit! I assume you'd be meeting in the living room or maybe dining area or some other common area, rather than your bedroom, right? But I understand wanting to clean up just in case. And I'd also feel weird/anxious with a T coming to my house (especially as it's messy, and with Dr. T, I get the sense from things he's said that it would bother him, so I'd feel self-conscious the whole time).

Right, I totally assume we will meet in the dining room, or maybe the living room, but probably the dining room. That is where I have my Zoom appointments with her so she has "seen" that room.

I just want to make my bed and tidy up a bit in case she goes to the bathroom or something and passes my room. I'll admit it to you all here, but I hardly ever make my bed. Except for on days when I change my sheets. It seems pointless as I am just going to get in bed again and mess up the covers again. But that doesn't mean I want T to know that! The house, as a whole, is really clean right now but my room is, as usual, rather messy. Since I don't really know what the meeting is about, I don't know what she will be evaluating. So I am kind of on edge a bit. I talked to one of my coworkers and she said she is sure everything will be fine. I have "seen" parts of T's house because we usually meet by Zoom. And I have seen her dining room, her living room, and her bedroom. And everything looks pretty neat and organized. I've never seen her office but I assume it is clean and organized like her house. She has like turned the computer around before to show me her pets so that's why I have seen so much of her house. I just don't want her to be sitting there silently, or not so silently, judging me. EEK!

I'm shaking my head at your T right now.. I hope the meeting goees well at any rate.

Could you check-in with her one-on-one before she starst with all of you? You could maybe get or ask for support, voice any concerns or queries, or if there is stuff you would not like to address in front of your parents - if any of that applies.

She won't judge you... (but I am judging her!)

Kit, I don't make my bed either! I agree that it seems pointless.