[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm having major jealousy issues with L. I know I don't know the ins and outs of her life even though she's not a blank slate therapist. However, all the good things I know are making me jealous.

Ever since I met her, my life is falling apart. I married my abuser, we lost our house and car which both were paid off, I lost my chance at having a baby, and just recently I lost all of my doctors and found out I have more health problems than I realized.

L, in the other hand, has gotten engaged, gotten married, now owns half her business, just bought a house, and soon will be starting a family. As far as I know, her life is growing so positively.

I am completely happy for her. AND I'm jealous. I'm sad for me. It's so hard on me sometimes when I compare myself to her. She's so smart and beautiful, seems to be in a good committed relationship, she is successful in her career, seems to have good people in her life, a loving family, dreams and goals, and all-around good life. I have none of those things.

I don't know what I'm looking for in this post. I do know that it's not easy to make changes to life. If I could snap my fingers and know the outcome, maybe I would make steps towards things I want. But a lot has been taken away that I can't get back: becoming an architect and becoming a mother. Those were my two big dreams. Gone. I don't have any dreams left. I have a goal to try and get healthy again and maybe bariatric surgery. But even if I accomplish that, what then? What's the point of it all if you don't have dreams?

Please don't be harsh, but I could really use some support.

[RTerroni]

I know how you feel, I have been jealous of a few of my Therapists before.

[elisewin]

I am sure you still have goals and dreams even if you don't realize it all the time. They might not be the same than those of your therapist's or the ones you had earlier. But you still are you, you have your own precious life and you are able to change it. You married your abuser you said. That sounds worrying, are you now ok or still in an abusive relationship? If latter, also that can cause depressive thoughts about the future. You are still young, right? If not an architect, maybe some other studies and career?

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I feel exactly like this so I absolutely understand. My T's life hasn't been easy for a long while so I feel bad for feeling it, but in the last year she's got and done everything I truly wish for and can't due to chronic illness, being single, how my life has turned out.

I've never been able to talk to her about it as she has so much empathy and I think she'd feel terrible if I told her this. Like you, I am happy for her, but also very sad for me and how things have been.

I don't know what the answer is apart from to try and focus on myself and what I have and can do with my life. Unfortunately due to health and other limitations there isn't much but I try to be grateful for what I have. I know that doesn't help though - it doesn't help me much.

[Lostislost]

I feel this type of jealousy too. I really dislike all the crap that therapists and others share about everything coming together when you are your 'authentic self', or people 'finding their tribe' when they follow the right path etc etc. I really feel a lot of it comes down to luck and privilege. Some of us don't have much of either, and we struggle through. I'm sorry you feel like your life is falling apart, I really hope you have some good luck soon and things start to look a bit better.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm so sorry you've lost so many things. I think it's completely natural to feel this way. I think you should talk to her about it (though maybe you have a bit already, at least about her getting married?) I feel like she would be understanding and, I imagine, let you know that her life isn't as perfect as it may look from the outside.

I think what you should also do is work with L to come up with some other dreams for your life. Even something very small or short-term for now. You mention bariatric surgery, so that's one possibility. You say what's the point of that if you don't have other dreams, so maybe work with L to come up with some ways that having it done would improve your life and what you could do from there. Like, maybe it would give you more energy, so you could have more time to do [something] that you want to do. It might help you get off medications that could be having negative mental and/or physical side effects, so you'd feel better, which could then put you in a place to develop new dreams.

I worry I'm sounding like Dr. T here (in terms trying to focus on positive thinking), so if I am, I'm sorry! I know it's not at all that simple because I struggle with it, too, figuring out where my life should go from here and feeling stuck.

I've also felt jealous of my T's. With ex-T, they had a fair amount of money (granted, she was 30 years older than me). Once, she mentioned going out on their boat, and my thought (which I didn't share), was, "Of course you have a f-ing boat." And I don't even *like* boats! But I just got this sense that her life was so easy. One time, I mentioned how it seemed like she just had everything together. She laughed and said she'd have to tell her husband I'd said that, because he'd find it hilarious. As she very much doesn't.

Or with Dr. T, when I didn't get into the PhD program I applied for a few years ago, it was difficult talking to him about it at times because, well, he *does* have a PhD. But then he told me he got rejected in his first round of admissions and had to apply again, and also to schools all over the country (which I didn't really want to do). So that made me feel better (I think ex-MC was rejected in his first round as well).

And then, OK, this is such a minor thing--but I'd locked myself out of my house once. And he said, "You don't have a spare key in your garage?" Me: "Uh, we don't have a garage. We're in a townhouse, and not one of those fancy kinds that have a garage." Or he'd suggest I set up an office for myself in our basement, and I'd say how tiny our basement is, that it literally wasn't possible (especially with H's treadmill down there). And I know he lives in one of the nicest areas of the town he's in (and I'm helping to pay for that!), while I'm in a much less nice area a town over.

But it's helped to talk to him about some of those things. So I suggest you do that with L as well.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Hugs if wanted, Scarlet. I'm sorry you've gone through and are still going through so much. I used to feel jealous of my L too from time to time, mainly because she had the gumption to get the loans to pay for the schooling to get her Master's and get licensed and stuff to follow and get to live her dream of being a t. And I am terrified of borrowing money for ANYthing after having gone through our bankruptcy. (It was so scary when we bought this current house!) About other things too that she would share about herself. Especially like how it seems she doesn't let anyone else tell her what to do not even her partner - when I was forever struggling with my h getting mad about me paying for therapy, and several times trying to quit for him, pretending that it was what I wanted both to myself and everyone else. And I'd stay away for a couple of months until I fell apart and he'd "let" me go back. (Honestly I don't know why she kept taking me back. I was ridiculous with that.) I was jealous of her house too after she moved back to our town, it looks so big and beautiful (I mean I haven't seen the inside except for her office, but still, just looking at the outside, it just has to be gorgeous) I looked at it sometimes when I'd go for a session and think this is practically a freakin' mansion for around here, never in a zillion years would I be able to live in a house like this. it's like it just even further demonstrated how perfect her life must be. Even though logically I know she's human too and also has her own set of worries and troubles and problems, I guess I never saw those because she was always her "best t self" in sessions because I was there to focus on my problems/issues, not to see hers. Anyway, hugs again if wanted.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by elisewin

I am sure you still have goals and dreams even if you don't realize it all the time. They might not be the same than those of your therapist's or the ones you had earlier. But you still are you, you have your own precious life and you are able to change it. You married your abuser you said. That sounds worrying, are you now ok or still in an abusive relationship? If latter, also that can cause depressive thoughts about the future. You are still young, right? If not an architect, maybe some other studies and career?

I don't know. Is 40 young? I don't think I can ever go back to school. My short-term memory is so messed up. It will be hard to retain new information.

Yes, H is still abusive, but not as bad as in the past. There's still financial abuse,controlling and manipulative behavior, and some emotional abuse. There's no more physical violence including throwing and punching things. And our verbal arguments rarely happen unless I do something that affects him.

[ScarletPimpernel]

LT - Yes, I would like bariatric surgery. I would be nice to not have all these health problems and to be an average size for once in my life.
Trigger for weight:

Possible trigger:

I had documented my weight when I was on the keto diet. The lowest I got was 244lbs. That was eating my best and exercising everyday.

I would love to get off most my health meds, have energy, less physical pain. I want to be more free, like L is. Free of this body and free of the walls I've put up. But what to do afterwards? What's there to live for? I don't know.

I was able to talk to L on the phone this morning. She said she was wondering when the jealousy would come up. She doesn't find it weird or bad. She said she knows that I can be happy for her AND be feeling grief for myself.

I think that's what it is more than jealousy: grief. I've lost a lot and her growth just highlights what I have lost.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you all for your replies. I think this is going to be an ongoing battle for me. Like I said in response to LT, I think this is more about grief than jealousy. And it's hard making changes when you're close to rock bottom.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Grief makes total sense. It's where I'm at too. My t's life is definitely reinforcing it. I'm sorry you're going through your own experience of this.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

Grief makes total sense. It's where I'm at too. My t's life is definitely reinforcing it. I'm sorry you're going through your own experience of this.

I'm sorry you are too

[unaluna]

For me it was not the hitting rock bottom so much as it was the bounce-bounce-bouncing.

Something has changed in me recently. It might be the insulin is making (and helping) me feel better. It could also be the result of not taking phone calls from my mother's sister.

Those phone calls had the same effect as interacting with my mother - i would lose 3 months of time in terms of working towards any goal. I would be back to ground zero. You dont make any progress in your life when every 3 months they call again JUST as you are finally recovering from their last bombing.

I wish somebody would research this Sisyphus effect.

[elisewin]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't know. Is 40 young? I don't think I can ever go back to school. My short-term memory is so messed up. It will be hard to retain new information.

Yes, H is still abusive, but not as bad as in the past. There's still financial abuse,controlling and manipulative behavior, and some emotional abuse. There's no more physical violence including throwing and punching things. And our verbal arguments rarely happen unless I do something that affects him.

40 is young, plenty of time to do things and fulfill dreams. What you told about the marriage I presume the positives exceed the negatives, as you still stay together. I'm sorry you feel there is not much to wait and do in life, and comparing yourself to someone you find successful doesn't help either. But I do believe we can all improve our life little by little and have goals that suit our situation. The surgery and getting healthier physically seems like a good goal and I believe it helps the mood and mental side aswell. Do you work? If not, maybe a part time job or volunteering on something you like would be a start? If you already work and feel unhappy where you are at, maybe looking for a chance in work?

I'm sorry if this is not very helpful. I always try to think positively and chance the practical things I'm unhappy with, so I tend to give advice like that, to think what I would do. And yes, I understand very well what it is like when you have not been given the best hand to play the game with, but sometimes you can win with way less than perfect cards.

[downandlonely]

I'm 40 too and also coming to terms with the fact that I won't have children of my own. I do volunteer to help kids and teens and that helps me.

[Waterbear]

Also nearing 40 and coming to terms with the no children thing. But where there is loss, there is also gain. I get to do things that mother's with children can't, for example. 40 is a funny age I think, that mid life 'crisis' age (though it happened to me as I hit 30 too!)

But the real reason I hopped on to comment was because of what triggered me to really make some changes to my life. To realise that I COULD make changes to my life. A guy at work told me a story. He is a lovely guy, mid 50s with a lovely wife, a beautiful little home and some interesting hobbies. His life isn't perfect though, as none of ours are. He struggles with his weight and his mental health, but you don't get to see that too often. Like most of us, he shows a different face to different people.

But he told me a story one day which had a huge impact on me. He told me a story of when he was 34 and was dating a girl. They were renting somewhere because he couldn't afford to buy. They split up and he (being the decent guy that he is) told her to take what she needed from the flat. He said he would be ok, but wanted her to have what she needed. He went away for work and when he came back he found she had emptied the flat of everything. Everything except the phone book. She had taken it all.

Here was a guy, not much younger than I was at the time, who had next to nothing, and yet twenty years later his life was completely different. Twenty years is a long time! Changes can be made in a blink of an eye in comparison.

Not long after this, I left my husband. It took over 2 years from me saying I was done to us selling the house and going our separate ways. In the moment it felt like forever, but in comparison to the rest of my life, it is nothing. I am now in a happy relationship with someone who treats me right. I have friends. I have hobbies. I have even started my own business. Things I never could have dreamt of 5 years ago.

I don't know. I just wanted to tell you the same story he told me, because it's easy to let time, and life, pass us by, thinking that we cannot change, that we cannot life the happy life we see everyone else living. But there are two things to remember. What we see as 'the perfect lives' are often not that great at all, we just don't get to see their difficulties. And we CAN make those small changes which can often snowball and lead to bigger, more unimaginable changes for the better in our own lives...you just have to find a way, and that way will be different for all of us.

[Bill3]

Great job discussing jealousy with L!