Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T,
I'm glad those things I've shared haven't bothered you and that there's nothing on the scroll behind my head. I think it's good we briefly discussed the different ways we define "love," like how you said you don't say it to your friends. You didn't answer about the pets, but I assume the answer is "no" from how you reacted. Perhaps you were oddly relieved that I also tell my guinea pigs I love them? Like, "OK, she also says it to rodents, so..."

And that's really interesting you asked whether, if we hadn't had the rupture, I could have continued seeing ex-MC had he not said he loved me back. And you were surprised that my answer was "yes." Does that mean you thought it would become an issue between us? I really just want my love to be accepted. I don't need or expect it to be fully reciprocated in this scenario. (I mean, if you were my romantic partner, that's a bit different.)

Glad you weren't bothered by the recent lingering handshake. Though like you said, now you're probably going to be hyperaware of the time! But good to know if I do hang on too long in the future, you'd likely just say, "What's going on?" as opposed to "Get off of me!"

Also your comment on how I seem to expect you to be mean to me. I need to think on that more. Who do you maybe represent for me? Or are you representing a part of me, that doesn't think I deserve care and acceptance? That feels I should be rejected if I hold on a second too long or care about you more than I should? Hm....

Love,
LT

I don't really know what to say to my pdoc. Things have improved since I got my haircut. Also I've been eating with my meds so they have actually been working. I am able to start working out again which boosts my self esteem.
Yet I still feel like an increase in something wouldn't hurt either. I just hope hes in a decent mood today. I'm just going to sit back and explain things but not be pushy or suggest anything since he doesn't like that. I'm hoping he'll do something on his own though.

He did raise one of my meds after I asked if he would. He said therapy is really what I need though. I said to him " yeah if therapists wouldn't keep dropping me."

So I reached a point last week where I'd 99.9% decided to take a break from counselling, maybe until the New Year. I convinced myself I was ok with that. Then stuff happened, H became very unwell and I found myself doubting that I'd be able to get through the next few weeks and Christmas without any support at all. So I changed my mind about the break. You said you'd be ok with whatever I decided either way; that if I felt H was demanding too much of my attention and I didn't feel able to focus on therapy but everything else in my life was going ok, that you'd support the idea of stopping until January.


Trouble is, even though H is being very demanding at the moment, the rest of my life isn't exactly going ok, plus I know what a five or six week break would do to me. Set me right back to having to build up the trust again with you. Having got to where we have over the past 12 months, I really can't go back there again, so another reason to keep going. Even if all we do is maintenance stuff for the next few weeks.


So we decided to keep it weekly for now rather than every two weeks, then the work in the house got pulled forward and I had to cancel this week's session anyway. At the moment I'm ok with it. Quite how I'll be feeling with another week to go before we can meet virtually again, I don't know. By the end of this week I'll be desperate to talk to you again, and then by next Tuesday, I'll be over that and thinking I probably could have managed a longer break after all. Strange how the mind works isn't it? When I can talk to you I don't feel I want to, and when I know I can't, I'm desperate for contact.

So many dichotomies. The constant push-pull.


Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Thank you for being exceptional today.
The space you held was the permission I needed.
Who knew understanding why could still be so important?

I get that I need therapy, but I do believe eating better and working out and getting into a better sleep habit will be more beneficial then therapy. And thats stuff I can do on my own. But my pdoc swears I need to be in therapy and that its the answer. I don't know what this one will be like on Thursday. I really thought the last one was the "answer"

Dear T,
Hm, now I'm wondering if you do think the reason I felt I/we had to end with ex-MC was because he didn't reciprocate the "I love you." Is that maybe what you thought I meant when I felt he had rejected me? Because that's not what I meant. I meant in the sense of taking things away from me, changing toward me. More like a child feeling rejected by her parent. I never expected him to say it back. But I did expect him to not completely change toward me as a result of it. Especially considering that he's psychodynamically trained and is very well aware of transference. Just wondering now if that's what you thought all these years...

Love,
LT

My pdoc asked me if I was still seeing my transference therapist and it reminded me of this line from South Park

"Theres no such thing as stupid questions only stupid people."

Dear T,
Ugh.... I'm really not sure how to deal with this, though I should have known better than to think you were totally OK with what I shared. Sigh. But thanks for the reassurance as I was leaving. You seem to be putting the emphasis on this being a "you" thing rather than a "me" thing. I really hope the listserv people will tell you this is fairly common and OK. I do appreciate your letting me approve what you send them.

I guess we're at the center of the onion, aren't we?


Love,
LT

Hey L. Well guess what? I think I have finally made it to that place I wanted to be when I left therapy almost a year ago. It's taken that long, but I am grateful to be 'here'.

I hate afternoon therapy sessions. I don't know how this will go. I've had a couple Lunchables and an apple and I'm not sure what else I'll eat before our session. I know my eating issues are a big deal and something my previous therapist has probably talked to you a ton about. But I just had a med increase on Monday and basically nothing really sounds good at this time besides apples and tilapia. I hope my appeareance doesn't bother you and you don't call me scrawny or too thin or something like other therapists have.

Dear T,
Maybe I can't do this with you anymore. I don't know.
Love,
LT

You're nice. But I'm not letting my guard down right now.

But I don't want to play with clay. And I'm not sure why you asked an almost 30 year old unless you didn't know my age? But I can't help how I look and I was wearing the best jacket I had today. So I thought I looked pretty mature. I just worry about what my coworkers will think when they find out my age. So your question made me kinda self conscious.

And now a book that I thought would help has given me further details.

You were so careful with your words, and your sensitivity is always a blessing.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

A lot of therapists do art and play therapy even with adults. It doesn't usually have anything to do with age or maturity.

Dear T,
I wish I could just cancel today, but I'm sure you'd charge me (don't want to lie and say I'm sick), and that would damage the relationship further. I know it's your policy, but I also came in for an extra session, so you wouldn't be losing any income from me this week. Plus, you said once that I'm so reliable, I probably earned a free "no-show" (which is different from a late cancellation). I'm sure you've forgotten about that, just like you forgot the other times I said I loved you, and you were fine with it, and I didn't start asking for more things after, like you're so afraid of now for some reason.

(I'll avoid the scary word),

LT

No one but you has the ability to make me so ragefully angry. I haven't got enough body space for this anger. This ending is not about you or what you want or what makes you sad or disappointed or what you are finding difficult. This isn't a good ending and I will not collude with you to pretend that it is. You are out of your mind. I do genuinely wonder if you have experienced some cognitive decline as a result of illness or old age. Even by your previous standards, your recent communication was ludicrous.

Four more sleeps.

Dear T,
OK, I'm glad I went. The discussion we had at the beginning helped, and then I think it also helped to talk about something else for a while (plus I needed to address some stuff with D). It helped for you to explain more. And to tell me that you're trying hard to not make the same mistakes ex-MC made, because you know it would hurt me. Knowing it's at least somewhat deliberate, how you're trying to figure out what to do to best serve me and determine whether we need to talk about it more feels much better than thinking it's just your freaking out and not knowing how to handle what I said.

Also, I appreciate the glass fish reference.


Love,
LT

When I was talking to you to my mom I said "whats her name." Because I've gone through so many therapists your name just slipped my mind.

It feels awkward to bring something like this in two sessions before the end of the year, but it's too big to sweep under the rug. I know what I know, and I can't pretend that I don't.

The last 48 hours have been rough, and yet somehow, there is still poetry.

I kind of am missing my last therapist today. She claims she'll be back though. I swear I have like 3 distinct memories of my transference T and the main one I have is the December 2020 IOP one. But I'll be seeing this new one on Monday then the week before Christmas and then a few days after. All in person. So I won't be left hanging. Although I wasn't left hanging last year either. Some things just stick with you.

Dear K,

I'm finding this very interesting indeed. It's basically been a month since you messaged me, and that was a one off, I think, because of the day. I am really grateful that you remembered, and that you reached out.

And I was doing really well afterwards, I was busy, enjoying life, getting on with other things, you almost faded into the background, which was amazing, actually. I just had this sense of knowing, which is hard to explain. I felt some sort of security, I think.

I have been wanting to write for a while though, and finally got round to doing it the other day, and since I sent it, things have been slightly different. I want to say slightly more unsettled, which is a real shame. It wonder if it will ever settle down? Or whether I am better off just leaving that distance between us.

I am starting to wonder whether trying to maintain some sort of weird relationship with you is actually in my best interests anymore. I wonder whether I should stop trying to maintain it and simply let it go. I wonder whether I could keep hold of that sense of security if I didn't satiate my desire to reach out to you.

Anyway, yeah, I'm all good, just finding this really interesting (and hoping you get my letter and reply, obviously!!)

Lots of love, me x

All I need to do is get through to Tuesday...all I need to do is get through to Tuesday...