Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear Potential New T "S",
I'm worried I'm going to start crying during our 30-minute consult tomorrow. I hope it will be OK if I do. And I hope you're someone who could be a possible fit for me.

--LT

E: Even though I am not a fan of virtual therapy, I am glad we met tonight. As much as I hated it, it was probably a good thing to cry. Also, let’s really hope that my feet pain start dwindling this week. And that I don’t test positive for Covid.

L,
I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you tomorrow. I want to ghost you. I don't know why I'm angry at you, but I am. I don't feel like you're here and I don't feel like you care. Logically, I know those aren't true, but feelings aren't always logical, are they?

Oh L, please let me go! Why must I continue to suffer?

I know you say there isn't any need for me to apologise, but it really felt like there was. It really felt like I had done something really bad.

Dear T: I am a bit disappointed in you to be honest. Love Kit

Dear Potential New T: Please contact me. Thanks. Kit

I know you don't get the weight loss thing. But I'm going ahead with it. I did get a lot of actual meals today from Walmart. So I'm not restricting as much. I think I did good today. I did think of what we talked about yesterday. Think of other signs of hunger besides physical. When I was in Walmart I realized I needed to eat because the screaming kid was bothering me and I was just irritated for no reason. You talked about noticing sounds and if they were bothering me and if I was feeling any irritation and then think if it could be hunger related. So I did listen to your advice.

Not that what I ate agreed with me, but I did eat today.

I told you I needed to talk to you about something but I wasn't ready. The fact I even said I needed to talk to you about something is progress and me trusting you more. I googled it and I found the correct term for it so I'm hoping we can just go from there. This subject is so hard for me to talk about though. I'm better talking about it with males.

Its kinda like the song Come To My Window

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many promises I can't keep

Dear T,
I don't want things to end this way. Even if they need to end, whether temporarily (a break) or permanently, I want us to be on better terms when that happens.

I'm so tempted to ask if you have anything available tomorrow, but after canceling today's session yesterday with 30 minutes to go in the cancellation window, I imagine you wouldn't be too enthusiastic about giving me a slot, even if you did have an opening. And if you said you didn't have one, I wouldn't know for sure if it was that you were truly booked or doing that out of irritation (as you said that time in the summer that you were tempted to do, but didn't).

And maybe an extra day apart will be a good thing. Also, I'm not allowing myself to email before Friday, no matter what. Well, OK, I guess if something really awful happened in my outside life, but I'm sure you'd be fine with my emailing in that case (as you'd said before).

Love,
LT

yo I'm kinda still amazed at how activated everything is again after just 2 sessions. My inner work - writing and dreams both - feels rather relentless the last going on 2 weeks since I was there. I keep having things pop into my head while I'm working and having to stop to write them down so I don't forget. I'm feeling quite back on track again, thank you for that.

Dear T

Thank you for listening to me vent today. I feel better knowing that I will be okay without day program.

Dear T...why did you say those things that you know trigger and terrify me? Are you trying to get rid of me? You made me feel like I shouldn't be on Earth.

Dear T,
OK, that response makes me feel like you're not angry with me. I was worried about walking in there tomorrow not knowing. Which is part of why I asked about a half session today. That and the fact that I couldn't stop crying at one point (well, a couple points) yesterday. I was expecting you to just reply with "I don't have anything," without an "I'm sorry." The fact that you both explained about being sick and apologized meant a lot. Also that you replied to my text of hoping you feel better. It felt warm and connected.

At least if I decide to take a break or terminate, I now feel we could do that on good terms. Which is a big relief. Still unsure whether to say anything about the other T tomorrow or Monday, but I'll see what I feel like. Probably won't mention tomorrow--will just see how things go. Plus, I want to talk about D some.

Hope you continue to feel better.

Love,
LT

I want to email you something. But I'm kinda too sick to think of the correct wording so that the email would make sense. But I feel like you would somewhat understand what I'm talking about.

Hope you feel better soon, Mountaindewed!

I don't have the words to describe what we are immersed in right now.
There are some weeks where an hour doesn't feel sufficient, and yet I know that spending a prolonged amount of time in that space would be more harmful than helpful...

Please help me make a wise decision about next weekend.

I'm glad we're meeting tomorrow. I can't do the long-term thing with you anymore but damn I so need whatever it is we are doing now. I have SO ****ING MUCH to tell you tomorrow. 4 pages of journaling and 5 pages of dreams/dream work. I have answered a HUGE HUGE HUGE ****ING QUESTION for myself, finally finally finally finally.

I hope you're ready for me tomorrow.

I love you and I just want you to hold me tight and tell me everything’s gonna be okay. I know you want me to do it for myself so I’m not depending on you, but sometimes life is too hard and I just want your comfort. I love your hugs but I want cuddles and hand holds and it hurts when you reject me. It makes me feel worthless and unwanted and unsafe with you. How can I open up to you about things when I feel rejected and unsafe?

Y'wanna know something T, when I was getting my hair cut this morning I literally felt myself letting go of stuff as the cut hair fell to the floor.... when she was done I looked at myself in the mirror, really looked, and I felt just a glorious sense of liberation and I told the stylist so. I feel so light and so good right now.

Dear T,
Thank you for explicitly stating that you want to keep working with me. Like I said, I know it may go against therapist protocol--like you were probably supposed to say "It's up to you whether you want to work with me, not what I want. I'll work with you as long as you like." But I think you recognized that I needed to hear you say you still wanted to work with me.

I'm also glad you realized that I was on the brink of leaving. And said you were glad that I came back.

I don't think this will be an easy road, continuing to work with you. But I think it will be an important one in terms of my growth. I think you were right regarding a few things you said today. Like I said, I think so much of it comes down to wants vs. needs. I just ask that you be patient with me and supportive as we navigate this path forward.

Love,
LT

E: It sucks to have to wait an entire week until I see you. I am not doing well.

Thanks for today. I wish I had a recording of it. SO much good stuff.