Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

(overly dramatic much, Artie? heh.)

Artie - if it helps, I read this on fb: you're not starting completely over, you now have experience.

I think it was more my pain and nausea from working out that was bothering me today. You didn't seem bothered by my methed actor talk. You just said dont look at that stuff, while stareing at your computer the whole time. I didn't chug water when I got home but I drank some. Honestly I'm somewhere in between feeling super sick and sleeping for 12 hours.

Thanks, Scarlet... that's a very good point!

Dear T,
I also don't want you to ruin the positive memories of that time. Like if you said, "I shouldn't have shared that" or "I shouldn't have met with you outside those couple times because it was more casual." I feel like I have so few positive memories from that period in general. Please don't taint the ones I do have. I mean, this was pre-pandemic, but you already did that with the music session. And it feels you did that with the dog a bit today. Don't ruin the turtle, too!

Love,
LT

Dear T,
I have all these thoughts and insights I want to share with you. Partly about the pandemic stuff. But also, I had the realization that maybe I'm using the word "closeness" when what I mean is "security." I know you've said why too much closeness could be bad in a therapeutic relationship, but I doubt you'd feel that way about security. Maybe I just chose the wrong word?

And I wish you weren't out of town next week. I want to share this stuff with you now (well, tomorrow), but is it too risky to talk about right before you go away? I mean, not the closeness vs. security thing--I think that would be fine. But the pandemic stuff. Do I try talking about it Wednesday and see how it feels? Then maybe we talk about something not related to the therapeutic relationship on Friday (especially with it being Friday the 13th)?


Love,
LT

I wonder if you realise how much that one statement would bring up for me...

I think that I might be avoiding building a safe relationship with you, because I know how hard it is to lose... And how inevitable...

Dear T,
Thanks for the smiley with your response. Sometimes, it's the little things....

Love,
LT

The confusion over 18 months or 19 months simply belies the uselessness of trying to count.

It doesn't matter how long he's been so...he's still ****ing dead.

I am struggling after today's session. I need to go out and get some food but I really really don't feel like facing the world right now.

That was a good session, wasn't it?

Dear T,
Thanks for listening to and accepting all that, without suggesting that anything that I felt then was wrong or inappropriate. I think you're realizing your role in all of this, too. That it isn't just me being all needy and attached and looking for more than what you feel a therapeutic relationship is supposed to give. I

t seems like you're getting it. Like something clicked, and you're viewing it all with understanding and empathy instead of...whatever it was before. Maybe you hadn't truly considered the effect of the pandemic on the relationship?

In response to your question, I do think it was a net positive, even if it's a bit difficult now. I think we just should have talked about it sooner than we did. And at the time, though like you said, maybe neither of us realized it was an issue then. I guess it's good that we're at least talking about it now....

Love,
LT

I don't know how to find the words for the conversation we need to have tomorrow.

I wonder. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. If singing to me isn't on the cards, I wonder what would be. Seriously though, I really feel like we need to just keep working on building the relationship, for me to be able to see you, because I think it's that level of unknown that adds to the fear. You fear most the thing you cannot see, and all that.

I reckon if I could have fitted in the shelf the other day I probably would have jumped in, you know. I wanted to disappear. I'd really like to not feel like that.

What I remember from today's session makes me feel very misunderstood. This depression is not just because of what parents and sibling did and said. Its much more then that. I thought you understood that. Its hopeless....I want to quit therapy, meds, ....everything cause I just don't care any more.

I can't e mail because if you don't reply, that would destroy me. There's nothing for me to do.... I want out.

again my soul is screaming in silence "why is it always me that has to change?" I know, I know, I get it, I get it, cuz the universe continues to answer back "Because, my dear, you are the only one you can change."

But dammit, that is annoying as hell. I suppose I need to also work on shifting the way I look at that answer, don't I, and let it make me feel powerful over myself huh.

You were wrong by the way, about a few things. I suppose that's okay though, neither of us is perfect and all that jazz.

I just wish I didn't miss you so darn much still. Maybe I need a break from these forums again. Like if I'm not constantly reading about therapy-related stuff maybe the missing you will start to fade.

Ha, yeah right.

I still have so much work to do. I know this. I need to find a new t. I wish I'd asked you for referrals. I guess I was too worried about hurting your feelings by leaving in the first place to let you know I still needed to work with someone, just couldn't with you anymore. I don't want to work today. I need a mental health day so much at the moment but oh well. I am off tomorrow so that will have to do. Then I have to be on phones 3 ****ing days next week - that is just gross. I'm so burnt out at work too. Now I know why people retire early. At 60 I am definitely "too old for this ****".

I'm scared that I'm falling back into a depression over this crap with h and all the overtime at work between my normal job, phones, chat, etc. It's too much. I can't do it and stay any semblance of "normal" whatever the **** that is.

I have never once called in sick in January (for myself, I did when H was in the hospital with sepsis in 2018 but that was because for a couple days he was dangerously sick) but I am on the verge of doing it today. I don't want to do any of this anymore. I think I need a complete life overhaul, that 'turning my whole life upside down' is actually starting to look like a viable option. See, this is why I need to be in therapy again.

Thank you for your endless patience with me.
I know I can only do this at the pace that I'm doing it, but it's disconcerting.

Dear T: Maybe we should just wait until my regularly scheduled appointment next week. I don't know that I want to mess up my Saturday plans (even though my plan is cleaning) but once I am done doing that I don't know that I am going to have energy for cleaning. I don't know what to do. HUG Kit

Today is the 11th month of my sweet boy (cat).escaping. I miss him SO much, and can’t believe it’s almost been a year. Tomorrow will probably be me crying for an hour

Oh dear T,

Is it time for a truly heartfelt letter? I had been avoiding this I think. Today helped me to see how much I have truly been avoiding opening up to you. For a hundred different reasons it feels. Some by choice, maybe, some not. But it feels like it might be time for us to turn our attention towards this weird relationship. God it still feels so wrong saying that. It feels so wrong that I might need to have a relationship with you. Why can't I just do this without it? Why can't I just do this by pretending you aren't actually there?

Do I honestly think I can? No. No I don't. And I hate that.