[ScarletPimpernel]

Holding dialectics is really hard for me (as many of you already know). I try my best to acknowledge and see that things can be both/and. L just gave me some news today that is definitely good and bad news at the same time. And I'm having problems coping with it all. I want to SH very badly. Like I don't feel safe. I know I'm catastrophizing again. And it will be a very difficult time for me.

I don't know what I'm looking for in support. I know my last thread I really struggled with taking in some support. I'll try to be more open and work on MY critical ideas of support.

P.S. I know context helps you understand what I'm dealing with, but for right now I feel the need to protect L's privacy.

[velcro003]

Ugh, holding two opposing things at once is so so hard. I hope you can keep reaching out on here for support, and that you can keep yourself safe.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you Velcro. It is so hard.

I can't really tell anyone what's going on. I can't even reach out to T or J. My H is of no use. My family doesn't get it. I can't even reach out to L. And I think I burnt too many bridges here.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Possible trigger:

Does it count as SH if you accidentally cut yourself while making the object?

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Possible trigger:

Does it count as SH if you accidentally cut yourself while making the object?

I’m not sure what object you mean. Just like an art project or something? Or an object to further hurt yourself?

I have nothing but empathy for what you are going through, and if you feel like you need more support here, you can always feel free to Pm me.

[Omers]

I am proud of you for recognizing and acknowledging that this is a both/and situation. recognizing it and acknowledging it is a huge step towards being able to respond to it in a healthy way.
Is there a way of sharing how whatever is happening is impacting you without telling what is going on with L?
In some of my posts I referenced awesome T doing something he is really excited about that will mean he will not be in contact with clients for 2 months. Instead of sharing that about awesome T I could put out there that I am feeling sad, abandoned, and super needy because I will not be able to have my usual contact with T.
A different example from a former T:
T shared with me today and now I am feeling jealous, insecure, and angry about what she shared. I am feeling like she will have less time for me or that it is going to change how she feels about me. I know she is going to be out of the office for a week and I am angry that I have to give up my time with her because of this (that was a T who was getting married)

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you Omers!

Yes, L will be leaving for a time. I'm happy for her, AND I'm devastated for me because of my past. I worry she'll see me as too much and not want to be my therapist anymore. There's more jealousy mixed in there too. Yes! I feel abandoned and forgotten, insignificant, and needy.

I told H about the accidental SH. He actually made some really good points. Mainly, that I haven't had the time to process my own issues, like the IUD. For two weeks, I've been dealing with L's issues or her life impacting mine.

I can't hold all of my issues and L's issues. I do not have the capacity nor the training to do that. I need her to help me and not add to the pile on me.

[Waterbear]

The good thing about bridges, Scarlet, is that they can be rebuilt 🥰
Seeing something as both/and can be HARD! And accepting your feelings are valid and having different feelings for another human? Well, mind blown! I think (hope) it gets easier with practice so nice work on trying to do it here!
That's a good point your husband made... Maybe you can make some special self care time for yourself? Grab a cozy blanket, put on a good movie. Show the parts of you that need it all the love and compassion that you can.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Scarlet, I have big issues with seeing a situation not as all good or all bad as well. Even if I understand it rationally, the feelings either are all black or all white. I think realizing that there is good and bad to it, even though our emotions say otherwise, is the first step to actually feeling it as well. But of course it's still very though, it doesn't just go away.

I can understand how though it is for you to have L not around for a while. I'd feel abandoned too, as well as the other things you're describing. It's hard that you're currently already going through a lot and now this is piled on top. I hope that you both still have time to make arrangements for the time where she's away. I think that you need a stable environment for therapy and shouldn't have to think too much about L's issues. When is the next time you guys can talk?

Also, while I'm not generally a fan of your H, for once I agree with him and am glad he's trying to be supportive. I wouldn't worry too much about the SH right now.

Possible trigger:

Having been in the situation of asking myself that as well, my personal opinion is that intend makes it SH, for example if you would do woodworking without proper protection and this way make it more likely to get hurt.

It is a coping skill that while maladaptive, your body currently doesn't have better skills to use and it does relieve stress. Just try to focus on treating yourself well for now.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thanks Waterbear!

I have L's blanlet that I cuddle with every night. I do need to be more compassionate to myself. L and I have a skills list, and I should do some of the soothing skills on there. Like playing/cuddling with my dogs, lotion, listening to L's meditation, etc. Lately, I have been so disconnected that I literally either sleep or sit in bed starring at my phone or a wall.

[ScarletPimpernel]

CNS - Thank you too!

I'm supposed to talk to L this afternoon, but she'll probably be calling me this morning because I emailed her and left her a voicemail. I see her next on Monday.

We actually do have time for arrangements. Once again, I was catastrophizing. My emotions were reacting as if it was happening now. I apologize. It's just going to be such a hard time for me, and the longest L will be away since I've been with her.

Possible trigger:

My intent in the moment was not to hurt myself. Yes, the object was meant to hurt myself with, but it was an accident that I did. My hand slipped. Truthfully.

I do have other coping skills. I don't know why I'm not using them. I have a whole list L and I put together. Partially I think it's because I'm not used to using them, and another part of me didn't want to use them. I haven't SH'ed in over 7 years, and yet my mind still goes there immediately when triggered.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope talking to L today will be helpful.

Possible trigger:

And I agree that's not SH if the intent wasn't there in that moment.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you, LT.

Talking to L today was helpful. She's not mad at me nor have I broken her trust. She says, like you all have said, that it wasn't SH because it wasn't the intent. She agrees that we need to dose better her life events that affect me. That disclosures are still helpful so I don't take things personally and so I understand, but if there's already a lot going on, to disclose slowly so I can cope better. We're also going to have a phone call check-in tomorrow.

I'm feeling better today. I think I just needed sleep, time to process, and to talk to her about it all.

[Omers]

I am SO glad to hear that she responded so well and that you are able to find some peace in her response.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thanks Omers!

I had session with L today, and it was a good session. We talked a little bit about how seeing her H and her other situation are traumatic for me. She agreed and apologized again for her H being there. She said it should never happen again. Then we agreed to move onto neutral questions and answers to reconnect. And it helped.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Had another session with L today. Did some deep emotional tunnel work. I admitted to her that I really need nurturing from her right now and that I fear I will lose it when she leaves. Similar happened with T and with my own mom. Besides, if I wasn't nurtured as a child, why would anyone want to nurture me as an adult? I feel like she won't be the same when she leaves. She doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of some things. Like when she got married, she thought it just meant signing a paper to give each other rights. I had to point out that if it was so literal, why was she having a second wedding/party with her loved ones? Anyways...

I'm really struggling holding the both/and again. And I'm the one that convinced her to take this leave!!! I'm glad I did. She needs to. AND it hurts me so much. I just fear that I'll be too much for her. Why would she want to come back to me? A needy, clingy, childish adult?

[divine1966]

You think L doesn’t understand “gravity of things” like doesn’t get what marriage entails? Like she just thought it’s putting signatures on paper? That’s a bit unusual way to look at it and she is having a child now. Or is she just downplaying it? It would be really weird if she really had no understanding of seriousness and gravity of life decisions.

Don’t forget that this is her profession and her job and working with a patient with whatever needs (including something that could be perceived as childish) is what she does for a living. It’s like saying why would a doctor want to treat me, I am so sick. Because he’s a doctor and you are in a need of treatmet because you are sick

I think you will do well in her absence especially since you got a therapist lined up and it sounds like it’s also a good t. You are showing lots of growth and you can do it.

I wonder if you give too much thought of what she might think or feel or how things would go for her. She’s your t not the other way around. I’d try to focus on what you need and feel and what steps you could take to remain healthy in her absence-like having another reliable t in her absence and perhaps schedule appts ahead of time

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you Divine. The only reason I give any thought about what this leave will be like for her is because I'm worried how it will affect me.

I am working on my own feelings as well. That's why we did the deep tunnel work yesterday. To help get to the root of my feelings and experiences which are coming into play. This is just so difficult for me.

And yes, I possibly have two Ts lined up for when she leaves: T and J. I don't know which one to choose, but that's not important right now.

Fyi - She's not pregnant.

[divine1966]

My bad. It must have been a different poster whose t was pregnant