Couch 241: Twin primes!

I'm a bit worried that Joan of Arc won't actually talk to me now and I will miss the opportunity to hear what she has to say. But the feeling that she is going to talk to me has lessened some. I texted a couple of friends and my T.

I read an article about that. How even through our schizophrenic ramblings and musings that there can be really important stuff in what is said. I never thought about it that way. But now this seems important. But because I talked to others, she might not talk to me. That will make me sad I think.

In my text to T we got into a short discussion about angels. Then I sent her a youtube video of a song I heard over the weekend which was really compelling and talked about angels. She thanked me for the link and really liked it and sent it to a friend of hers.

Thanks, Kit. I'm guessing maybe she felt she needed to know some background? Maybe also trying to do a sort of wellness check, because of what she was asking about. I asked her what Dr. T had said about me, and she was like "Nothing." I suppose I thought he'd have given her a little background of some sort? Even just like, "She has anxiety and OCD, an autistic daughter, and attachment issue." Though she figured out the anxiety in like the first 30 seconds (I'm pretty sure anyone could have figured that out though! I wasn't exactly subtle.)

That does sound really difficult, keeping track. Could you maybe screenshot parts of it and mark up the screenshot? Or print it out and mark with a highlighter? It seems like the program should have something like that built in though....

And I hope you don't learn that about your birth father.

I did download a set of icons and am using those icons at the person's picture. It's helping somewhat to organize the chaos. I have high suspicions that I've got my birth father narrowed down. Unfortunately, his name is so frigging generic I have almost zero hope of using it to get anywhere. Think John Edward Jones. Pretty sure I can track down some relatives, but I don't even know how that conversation would go down. This is all getting a bit too real for me. I wish I could undo starting this, but I'm not sure I can stop until I find answers at this point. This whole thing is exacerbating my depression.

The father suspect is 3 years older than she was, so 16 and 19. I guess that falls under most Romeo and Juliet laws. Don't want to seem like a prude, but that age gap would give me some pause if one of them was my kid.

One of the names that I found on the other side of the tree is a dude named Belizaire Boulet from 1850's Louisiana. I want to be related to this guy so bad. His name conjures up some wild imagery, like wrasslin' alligators or something.

I've tried some geneaology stuff, and my mom's side of the family has some really generic names in it, too, which makes it particularly challenging. I understand how you now feel like you have to see it through. I'm sorry it's making your depression worse though.


I feel bad saying that's not too bad in the age gap, but I do feel like it's fairly common and not necessarily exploitative. Like could be a high school sophomore dating a high school senior or freshman in college. Which is still disturbing in a way, I get it.

@@ - is she trying to make a case that you are buds?

Gee, i wonder what she was so busy doing last fall that she missed those emails

OK, that's a great name! Perhaps you come from a line of alligator wrasslers.

Idk, im seeing a ruffled shirt, high heels a la Louis Quinze, and a bicycle with a huge front wheel.

Italy apparently was a wilderness before the mid-1800's, so no history for me.

That is hilarious. I usually have maybe one or two open at once, and always delete them as soon as I am done.

Oh, I've had that many open before. In the past week, I think!

Ugh, I have to decide in 2.5 hours if I want to see the backup T again (24 hours before next session). I'm leaning toward canceling, as I feel she triggered me more than helped me. But maybe it was my fault because of things we discussed? I could have declined to answer some questions. Or said "Let's just talk about my D," for example. Though I couldn't have avoided being triggered by being in the same building as ex-MC. But maybe that wouldn't bother me tomorrow?

Any thoughts on whether I should keep vs. cancel the session?


I also have an email out to Dr. T, and he said he'd be replying in the mornings while away. But he wouldn't say where he was going, so he could be in a different time zone from me. Like if he's on the West Coast of the US, it's only 4:30 am there, so of course he wouldn't reply then. I assume he's not in Europe. I think next time he goes away, I'm going to at least request whether it's the same/similar time zone? I think that's reasonable to ask, at least in terms of email reply times.

I don't have advice either way. I do think it's very reasonable to go in with a specific agenda and stick to that, especially since you might not see a third-stringer ever again. I also think it could be a good exercise to have your own mental health hour, to set aside that time (plus the travel time) to do something that you think will help you feel like your best self (art, journaling, yoga, go for a walk, read a mental health book or do some research into something etc). Hopefully you can make something good out of the time regardless of what you do.

Thanks, EM! I was thinking of trying to do something else for me with the time. Whether it's that exact time or at some other point Wednesday or Thursday.


I just think it's telling that I feel no real desire to see her again. It's not just that she's new--with R, I immediately wanted to see her again. I felt a connection to her. I'm thinking maybe part of why I was all over the place in the session is that I was looking for some sort of connection, whether personally or on a specific topic. But nothing seemed to really "stick". Even the obvious topic of discussing my D.

I'm sorry it didn't seem to work out for you, LT.
Perhaps Dr. T has had more time to build a professional relationship with K, whereby they're cordial with one another?

Thanks, Lost. That's a good point about the professional relationship. Plus his knowing her as a colleague is different than as a client. And also, I figure "warmth" is relative to him!

And she was very nice. And accommodating of my initially saying I was good with 50 minutes, then asking for the extra 10 right at the end.

I think a lot of this was my anxiety being in that building again--the last time was seeing p-doc in 2019. And I tried to push through that anxiety instead of talking about it. Anytime that happens with Dr. T, like if there's something I want to talk about but am afraid to bring up, the session seems awkward until I just get it out. Once I brought the anxiety up at the end with her and explained why, I felt more at ease. But then we had to stop!

So I'm hoping that maybe I'd feel more at ease tomorrow. I'm wondering if part of this is my avoiding the building? And maybe I need to face that? (The funny thing it, it's literally across the street from Dr. T's office.)

And I also wonder if I wanted Dr. T or R (or maybe even ex-MC), and K isn't either of them. And maybe I was expecting her to react to things like one of them would, when she's a different person and a different T. I did make her laugh a few times at the end (humor is one of the ways I connect with people).

So I think it could be a good experience for me to go back and talk to her more. Especially as she has background that could be helpful regarding D.

I did hear back from Dr. T. It was a relatively short reply (though from his signature, he wrote it on his phone), and at first it felt rather detached, but now I can see more warmth in it. And I said a lot in the email, so maybe he was just responding to things other than what I was hoping he'd respond to, if that makes sense. Like the content rather than the emotion behind it. And of course he doesn't need to say "Yes, I still exist" because, duh, he's sending me an email. And I told him a short reply was fine, or if he wanted to send something longer and charge me for it, that was also fine. So...

I'm glad you heard back from Dr. T LT!

This might be too late to help you LT but personally I would lean to not seeing the backup backup T and doing something healing for yourself during that time, yoga, massage, meditation, retail therapy!

Unfortunately, it's too late, and now I'm sort of regretting keeping the session. But maybe if I focus on stuff with D, I can get something practical out of it. I'm also thinking maybe I could do a virtual session (she offers them), which would take away the stress of the building.

And maybe I'll try to do something healing on Friday, when I would normally see Dr. T.

Hope it goes well LT and that you can get something out of the session. And good on you for thinking about trying to do something healing for yourself on Friday!

Thanks, Kit! How are you doing?

Thanks. I am doing better than yesterday. The delusion seems to have gone away. I have an appointment with my T tonight and PT this afternoon for my shoulder so that's good. My coworkers who didn't know what exactly was wrong yesterday told me today that I seem more "up" than yesterday so I am going to take that as a good thing. HUG Kit

Glad you're doing better, Kit. I hope your session goes well tonight.

One of the things that shows up on ancestry.com is high school yearbook photos. I found some of my dad when he was a sophomore and horrifically found one of mine from about the same age. Then I did a search for my therapist. OMG guys. I wish I could tell him I found pictures of a practically baby version of him online, but I may have to take that to the grave with me.