Couch 241: Twin primes!

Does anyone here play chess, either online or in person?

not me, I have never understood chess

I'm starting to learn, Comrade.
I play online, because I would be an embarrassment in person.

I'm not very good at chess. i know how to move the pawns and the knights but everything else is hard to remember how they move. So my Dad had to help me move the pieces and obviously I never won.

I played chess with my dad growing up. It's been years since though.

thanks LT & East. ETA OOPS!!! also thanks NP.

I was just so angry earlier I didn't know what to with it... a lot of it at h, some about work, and some other stuff going on then I felt bad for spewing it here cuz I used so many curse words. Feeling bad and changing my post is what put out the fire and I wasn't so angry anymore and was able to finish my afternoon of work. I remember a painting I did a long time ago in therapy about my anger being a volcano or something.... it feels like that again.... a very carefully controlled, underground volcano that sometimes the pressure gets so huge that it has to release steam or it will just blow in the most magnificent, terrible fashion.

Anger is so scary. Last week at the dr appt when I cursed at H and slammed the door on accident, released a little of the pressure and today's rant released a little more of it but there's still so much pressure that is built up and walking doesn't get it out, I need to be able to swim again but I gave up the gym membership cuz I just wasn't going enough to justify paying for it since we moved - with traffic it takes too long to get there after work. Maybe I'll get out my paints and do another volcano.

Ah yes. Anger. It terrifies me so, especially when it's inside myself. One thing therapy never helped me with - L said she didn't know how to help me with that. We used to talk about it sometimes... that I think the reason it scares me so MUCH is because I don't want to be like my Dad when he would get so angry and out of control; that I fear his anger is now inside me. All she could ever really say is that it's not his anger, it's mine, and they're different. But she can't know that of course, so we'd get stuck there.

I don't know. Anyway I've already started in on a new bottle of wine, as soon as I logged off from work... it tastes yucky but I'ma drink it anyway because tomorrow I'm on stupid phones again. I'm off on Friday so halleluja or however it's spelled.

I'm planning a trip to visit my sister in KC in March. I am so looking forward to that.

I'm not great with anger either Artie. It scares me. I've never really blown up or lost it and it's not something I deal with everyday. But I also think I'm not that in touch with my anger either.

I was wondering if drumming helps you with this feeling?

HUG KIT

Hugs, Kit. I'm sorry it scares you too. I actually picked up my drum earlier with that same thought - but then sat it down again because I really was afraid I'd break it somehow. I made it a few years ago so it's really special to me, and it would just crush me if I ended up destroying it.

I do recall one time when my anger got super bad while I was in college many-many years ago, I went to a garage sale and bought a set of plates, went back to my apartment at the time, and then slammed them one at a time into the concrete driveway and watched them shatter.

Yeah, I have a problem.

L and I were just talking about celebrating feeling angry. We both were remembering the first time I told her I was angry at her. She was so proud! Lol.

Anger has been hard for me, but I'm getting better at expressing it, at least with L. And a little with my family. It's still hard with my sister and H. Sister will disown me, and H gets mad at me for my anger. With H, it turns into a yelling match.

I grew up in a house where anger was not expressed healthily. My dad would sigh, and we'd all run to our rooms, mom included. My mom took her anger out silently in the bedroom or spankings. Then when I met H, he took his anger out by yelling and physically. He's changed a lot since he broke my elbow. We still yell, but there's no more physical stuff.

That's my problem too is that I grew up in the same kind of household. My dad's anger was explosive and unpredictable and painful and so very scary, whereas my mom would either yell a lot or hold long-lasting grudges and give us the silent treatment. So I never learned how to deal with it in a healthy way. H yells and then goes to bed to get over it on his own. Thankfully he has never been physical with it, I don't think he has that in him. I'm thankful he's NOT like my dad was in that way.

My L didn't handle it as well one of the times I was angry with her and actually told her. That was the time she accused me of being "possessed". Looking back I probably should have left then. Although she did explain what she meant later when I asked about it - she didn't mean like she thought I was possessed by a demon or something (which was how I heard it when she said it for sure!) she just meant that some other part of me had taken over or something because I didn't sound like myself. Which really wasn't much better and definitely not helpful because that meant the demon was inside me which I already knew.

I'm so broken you guys! How can I still be so broken after 10 years of supposed therapy? Because it wasn't therapy, you dummy, I say to myself.

The thing about chess is that you want to memorize lots of past games and just play after them. There are rules and all that of course, I know them, they are not that hard to memorize. But good players mostly just know lots of games, they aren't great at figuring out new patterns.

I tried Go for a while for a more thought-focused game. I really liked it.

I cant handle it when people yell

Reminds me of *him* and *his* anger

I have a tenuous control over my anger, and I get really embarrassed and ashamed when I lose it. I spend too much time letting people walk all over me and letting my resentment build because it's too terrifying to set boundaries. Eventually i blow up and behave in a reprehensible manner. After I blow up I wallow in the shame but then I go right back to being a yes-person. I'm never going to be a real adult.

Sent from my SM-S908U using Tapatalk

P just tested positive for Covid. This blows. I'm hoping he's going to be okay. He says he doesn't feel that sick so maybe that's a good sign. He was wearing a mask last night because he told me his throat was scratchy (he left it up to me whether I wanted to meet or not) so hopefully that mitigates my risk a lot. I guess this also means we're not going to be able to meet for a while and he's also planned some time off next week for who knows what. I feel selfish for worrying about missing sessions. I think I'll run out (masked of course) and pick up some tests for myself.

Oh no! I'm sorry, NP. I hope he's going to be okay and that you're okay too. I think getting some tests is a good idea. Glad he was wearing a mask when you met.

I don't think you're selfish worrying about missing sessions, though.

I need to go paint or something so I don't start spamming the couch.............

Oh, that sucks! If he was wearing a mask, it would definitely decrease your risk. Though I agree on testing to be safe. I doubt it would show up positive yet though. I hope you don't catch it! I don't feel it's selfish to worry about missing sessions--I'd be feeling the exact same way.

Spam away! Or paint. I should do that tomorrow maybe (paint, not spam!) Or yoga. Or both? Need to fit some work in there, too.

And to comment on the other thread, I'm also really bad with anger. I rarely saw it from my parents growing up and was taught not to express it. I am much more likely to turn it inward than to even feel it toward other people, let alone express it. Or if I express it, I don't do so productively, like I let it build up.

I think it was great progress for me that, while dealing with all the "love" stuff regarding Dr. T, I did tell him a few sessions ago that I felt some anger toward him, too. Because he knew this was a sensitive topic for me (because of what happened with ex-MC) and must have realized that some stuff he said would potentially hurt me. And that I'd felt good and positive about everything, like I'd taken this risk, and it had been OK. And then his expressing some doubts on how to deal with it felt like he was taking some of that away from me.

Maybe it struck something in him, because he seemed much more compassionate and gentle in the session after that. I did feel better after saying it, too. And after other times I've expressed anger toward him. Still working on expressing it to others. But I think just being able to identify that I feel that way, that I'm upset with another person rather than just turning it inward and thinking it's something wrong with me, that's progress in a way, too.

Alla this thinking about anger and then the reasons why my therapy with L wasn't really therapy plus the glasses of wine I'm imbibing at the present make me wish I could go see her and tell her those reasons. I suppose it's easier to think about that, than how I've been thinking about wishing I could just quit my job and run away from home and stuff like that. Ha. Okay artie, hush now and go paint.

first offering of the evening

I don't know how to paint actual things like flowers and trees and **** like that.

I would like to learn someday methinks.

Now I have to go with H to walgreens as he had some dental work done earlier and we have to go pick up his prescriptions - i don't trust myself to drive I've had too much wine by now but he will drive and wait in the car and I can go in the store for him at least lol he had a tooth pulled today or something I don't know lalala

I was never much into art but read some things on how drawing uses different parts of the brain so I am learning from youtube videos until the spring when the class I have signed up for starts. Just a beginning drawing class from the local arts center.