Confusion, Uncertainty (long)

I've been seeing M. for 4 years. For some of that time, however, she's been sick and misses a week of sessions (I see her twice/week). Twice she's been out for three months. So therapy has been inconsistent. This autumn and (so far) winter, therapy has been consistent. I've been feeling safe and secure.

I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Last week I had a mild hypomanic episode, following a 4 month long deep depression. The hypo state was heightened, in part, by starting a new antidepressant. But I'm also seeing very early signs of spring (flowers!) and that's given me a lot of enthusiasm...which tends to go a bit overboard.

The session before last was deep. At the end of each session my t and I always hug. I look forward to that. But that session I was feeling quite intense and held onto our hug for about a full minute. M. allowed that, then gently said, "Okay, you have to let go." Which I did. I felt so safe after that hug.

I was feeling that finally, I had attached to a relationship with another human being. I could relax inside of it. I was feeling wonderful. I thanked M. for allowing us to hug for a longer time, that it meant a lot to me. She replied, "Yes...I was starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable when I said 'You have to let go."

Well, when she said "a little uncomfortable" it ruined the hug. I felt very embarrassed. The session, however, was again productive. Near the end I asked M., "Do you love me?" She quickly replied, "Yes. Yes, I do." And gave her reasons why. She was sincere. I felt immensely validated and secure.

Yesterday I emailed her (haven't for a long time). I told her something that I wanted to be honest about (nothing to do with my relationship to her). I said, "If you have time today, could you just call me and leave a message so I can hear your voice."

A while, and the phone rang. I felt warm inside because yes, it was her. I expected her to say something short..."I hope you're having a good day," or "Remember to practice your breathing and I'll see you on Thursday."

No. Her message, sounding detached and slightly annoyed, was long. She told me that if I am feeling I'm in crisis I need to go to the ER or call (a certain friend) or (another friend). Call a crisis line...dah, dah, dah.

Then an email, "I have a video I want to watch together on Thursday about emotions."

I emailed her back and explained that no, I'm not in crisis!- on the contrary I felt really happy because she had said "I do love you" and told me the reasons why. She emailed right back, "Thanks for the clarification."

Now I'm feeling extremely ashamed. She's uncomfortable with my level of intensity. We have a session scheduled for tomorrow and she wants to watch the video. I'm afraid that, while it may be ultimately helpful, the video will anger me.

My impulse is to cancel tomorrow's session and tell M. "I want to give you a break from me, and also process through my intense feelings so I'm calmer for Monday's session." But, I also feel angry and (as usual) confused about M.'s reactions to me. I feel unlovable all over again. It's very, very hard to take in the wonderful things she said when it feels like she contradicts herself. Yet, I also know that my intensity scares her, and that she still cares about me. Confused!

Any ideas, suggestions, shared experiences?

Your T saying she felt uncomfortable after the long hug does not mean a rejection of you. It is simply her stating a feeling: 'I am not comfortable with long hugs'

I don't use the word 'intense' as this is a critical/judgmental term and you don't know for sure that it is how this T interpreted the hug.

I see what happened as a teaching moment - in that people may feel uncomfortable, frustrated, angry or disagree with you (or they may even wake up on the wrong foot i.e. having *nothing* to do with you) BUT this does not mean they are rejecting you or implying that you are unlovable. This conclusion is an assumption you are making about what you think they might feel!

So instead of cancelling or being angry at her, I would (1) express your feelings and/or doubts (in a non-blaming way) & (2) be curious as to how quickly you reached this conclusion because this clearly touched a core wound in you.

Thank you, Rive. You've brought in some smart points to consider.

Yes, the incident with the hugging brought up a core wound. One, a rupture t & I had early last summer. I haven't been able to fully let go of it yet (I so wish I could!). I don't understand why she had to say, "I was becoming uncomfortable" with the long hug. Obviously, that was an unusual situation. Doesn't she know that? Normally our hugs are warm, but brief...no reason to think they wouldn't be, normally.

2nd, some of M's behaviors towards me feel scorchingly like my mom's did...love/reject (my mom was mentally ill & extremely unpredictable...she could be loving and kind or cruel, abusive, and delusional).

I like the idea of writing down a few ideas, and I can certainly do that without being blaming. And I will be doing that today, although I'm worrying about the video M wants to show to me. That will probably require all the time in the session.

I do describe myself as an "intense" person, because I do have strong feelings, I am an impassioned person, and I also work very hard at whatever I happen to be working on - be it myself or a job. When I use the word to describe myself I don't intend it as a judgment, just as a descriptive word.

My immediate thought when she said she was uncomfortable was that maybe she was physically uncomfortable, like in a strange position or something. But I know my mind would also have jumped to the same confusion about being emotionally uncomfortable, if it were me.

And I just wonder whether (and I only say this because I KNOW I would do the same) this negative feeling inside you, and the place your head is in, could be skewing other things too. That's not to say that you aren't seeing this right, just to offer an alternative potential, if that makes sense.

I really hope you can go to your session, and that you can work this out between you, because I know how much these ruptures and inconsistencies can really affect our mental health. Take care of yourself, and hugs if wanted.

From my experiences with my t, and like ten plus years of end of session hugs, i would say the main reason your t was "uncomfortable" was because she was not in control of the hug. My t ALWAYS let me know that HE was the boss of the hug. Period. So i really dont think your t is saying anything personal about you or herself. She is just saying, use your words. That applies to good feelings as well as a child's tantrum. And in therapy, its probably a short thread connecting the two, as you explain.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Waterbear My immediate thought when she said she was uncomfortable was that maybe she was physically uncomfortable, like in a strange position or something. But I know my mind would also have jumped to the same confusion about being emotionally uncomfortable, if it were me. And I just wonder whether (and I only say this because I KNOW I would do the same) this negative feeling inside you, and the place your head is in, could be skewing other things too. That's not to say that you aren't seeing this right, just to offer an alternative potential, if that makes sense. I really hope you can go to your session, and that you can work this out between you, because I know how much these ruptures and inconsistencies can really affect our mental health. Take care of yourself, and hugs if wanted.

Yes, physically uncomfortable crossed my mind, too.I'm fairly sure she meant uncomfortable with the emotional aspect, but come to think of it...she may well have meant physical. That's rather amusing and puts quite a different spin on things, doesn't it?

It is not only possible, but probably likely, that I am skewing things. I wish I could tell. Well, I know I am to a degree, anyway. I wish I could "measure" how much is me, how much is her perception and delivery. Guess that's where writing down my thoughts could help.

I have decided, based upon the feedback on this thread, to go to my session tomorrow. If it were not for this thread I likely would have cancelled. I know people on this subforum have plenty of experience with therapy and that really helps me today.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna From my experiences with my t, and like ten plus years of end of session hugs, i would say the main reason your t was "uncomfortable" was because she was not in control of the hug.

I agree with that assertion, Una. Therapists like to be in control of what goes on in a session, which is understandable. Kind-of like a school teacher in a classroom. Buuut, I suspect that's partly what I don't like - because I have struggled with this issue with M. all the way along - is the feeling I have, while in therapy, of a power imbalance. Call it "boundaries" or call it *whatever* - to me, it feels like a power imbalance.

Sounds like the hug was kind of long and beyond her comfort zone. I think many people would be uncomfortable with a hug that long -- I don't think it is particularly that unusual (therapist or not therapist); sometimes a hug just can go too long for many people. Sounds like she was just being honest with herself and with you. In other words, I don't think it was necessarily a reaction to "you" so much as a reaction to a really long hug. Then, coupled with your email and your recent depression and hypomania, and she may have read your situation incorrectly, wondering if you were still demonstrating some instability maybe? (Might be a reasonable but incorrect interpretation of the events).

I'm glad you're going to your session. Sounds like you realize you may have both been reading the situation differently and there was some misunderstanding/miscommunication on both ends perhaps. Hope you can get it cleared up. (Glad you are feeling better, btw.)

Yes, she's always upfront and honest (sometimes at the risk of lacking diplomacy, but better the honesty)@ArtleyWilkins;. Looking back, I wished to be held, but there was time only for a hug, and I wouldn't have asked her to hold me (although she did, once).

Thank you for your kindness. I will be going to the session tomorrow - but looking forward to a good night's sleep before

I want to say thanks again to those who replied, and for the *hugs*, too. It means a lot to me. I would not have gone to the session tomorrow without encouragement, and that wouldn't have been good, most likely.

Beth, I hope your session goes well today. I would have responded just like you to being told a long hug made my T feel "uncomfortable". Even though, like others have said, it's likely about the hug itself, not about you in particular (like if any client or maybe even a friend or family member hugged her for that long, it would also bother her).

Maybe she's not much of a hugger in general--my T doesn't allow hugs and has said he isn't "touchy-feely" in his outside life either (he even shared once that his sister-in-law asked his wife, after several years in the family, whether it was OK to give him a hug because he seemed so closed off).

You've probably read about this, but I recently (a few months ago) said a platonic "I love you" to my T, which he accepted at first, then got all weird about it when I brought it up again (like saying "I don't know what to feel or think or do about this"). It felt very rejecting, and echoed some stuff that has happened in the past with T's and other people. We've talked through it off and on--and he actually apologized for how he handled it yesterday, which went a long way. I think we now better understand where the other is coming from, including in how we define "love" and who we use it with (he doesn't even say it to friends, for example, though he said he does feel it).

So I'm hoping that in talking with your T, Beth, you can work through this some and understand more about her reaction--and your reaction to it as well. With today, could you say that you need to talk about what happened and save the video for another time, if it will take up most of the session? Or is it possible you can watch the video on your own time then talk about it next session? It seems like watching a video isn't the best use of therapy time anyway, unless it's a case where she'll keep pausing it and you can discuss it. But I do hope, whatever happens, that it goes well. And hugs to you!

Thank you, and a hug to you, too,

M. often describes herself as "a hugger," yet once before she made a negative comment about my hugging her. I was stung then, too, since it was she who initiated hugging at the end of sessions. I'm thinking that today I will suggest we suspend hugging for a while. I'm hurt, but I'm also angry at her. I've posted here at least 4 times about what I feel are M.'s double standards. Seems that every time I feel things are going well in therapy with her, she throws a curve ball (an odd comment) and I'm feeling like...Iiii'm not sure about this again.....

....(he even shared once that his sister-in-law asked his wife, after several years in the family, whether it was OK to give him a hug because he seemed so closed off).

Ooh, *ouch* Interesting thing for a family member to say about about her BIL, who is a therapist

I'm sorry you had the "I love you" incident with your t. Yes, they are only human, but ya know....they have chosen a profession that puts them above being "only human" in many ways. Similar to a first grade teacher, really, in that they are working with some extremely powerful, very young, memories and feelings. Not a lot of room for screwing up.

I agree with you on the video subject. She said she wants to "watch it together" which, for some reason, makes me feel demeaned (childish, I know, but I have a 'red flag' feeling...maybe because she brought up the video when she totally misunderstood my email, thinking I was threatening suicide - I'm still shaking my head over that). I want to know more about the video, what it's about. Seems I could watch it on my own, possibly.

I'm going to the session today to, hopefully, clarify some things - the primary one being that I would never threaten suicide to manipulate anyone, which I would expect her to know by now.

I hope there's some good music on the radio during my drive to the clinic

Just a quick message to say I hope your session goes well and you can talk about these things with her.

Thank you @Waterbear , I appreciate that.

You were all my "pocket pals" today. You gave me courage and support, so thanks for being there


I did go to the session and it turned out to be extremely productive. Good, solid communication and a deeper understanding of each other and, surely, of ourselves.

The "long hug" - M. asked that I please not feel at all ashamed of it. She said she was well aware of my need, that particular day, to be held. She was warm and honest about the whole thing. She said no, an extra-long hug is not something she'd feel comfortable with frequently because it starts to feel like crossing boundaries.

I understand what she means...there was, at the end of our hug, a slightly quasi-sexual intimacy. We discussed that today. And at the end of today's session we had our usual hug, and that was wonderful.

So I'm processing all of this. My dreams tonight should be interesting

Ha, I dreamt I was with Princess Diana. She had returned to life and was very "angry at the world," not at all like her lovely and loving self. She was not angry at me, though, and we spent a lot of wonderful time together. I could well understand why she was angry, especially at Charles. Diana and I had a number of commonalities in our astrological charts. I've always felt her as a role model.

Reading back over this thread I think I sounded like I believe I am powerless, and with a victim mentality. I don't like that.