Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I'm holding on to these words of yours from today: 'Forgive yourself for how you got here.'

I know it's odd that I'm thinking about these hospital appointments in relation to pre-existing trigger dates, but...you know how that works by now.

Also, there's no point in me telling you that I'm OK when I'm not. I've realised that now.

Thanks for being transparent with me over the work thing, and reassuring me that I'm not especially the reason you wouldn't do that training.

So we both agreed that our virtual sessions were more productive and more deeper then our in person ones. So we're doing zoom until August then reevaulting. My transference T also told me our sessions got deeper after we went to zoom because of the pandemic but I learned that telehealth was the never the issue when it came to her.

We need to talk about the pride month piece of all this more, because you're the only person I feel can hold that.

Even though I've finished that notebook, I can imagine I'll keep adding to the list of questions.

I should have listened to you about the job

oh gosh L health stuff has come up this week that is threatening my equilibrium. i want to try to handle this for now and not call you unless I find out i have to reschedule Friday's session. I will know tomorrow. Although I don't know what good it would do to talk about it now before I actually really know anything diagnosis-wise - I'm nervous about the upcoming test and of course scared that I have the C word, because it's a possibility per my dr. A small possibility, but still, a possibility. Maybe talking about it would help, but maybe it would just make me more nervous. I think I want to try to just forget about it until the next test, whenever it is going to be.

Being a writer, you'd think I could come up with a better word than 'wobbly' to describe how I'm feeling after bringing the physical health stuff into the room.

Almost laughed out loud when my mother suggested I should try dancing. As if I feel like dancing right now....

I'm reading Elliot Pages memoir and at one point his therapist said to him "why don't you put cheese on your broccoli?" Oh how many times you've said similar things to me. I've been weighing myself like crazy lately but the food stuff you know about. Not the quitting coffee part and why though. Or how concerned my mom is about my eating and how she trys to get me to eat every night.

I ate something outside of the norm today and now I feel like ripping out my intestines.

Dear T,
Sorry I'm so annoying and asked for clarification. But I'm trying to figure out whether that was an extraneous comma or not. Like I said, this is what you get for working with an editor!

I hope you send something brief today and don't wait until the morning. Like I said, just say "the former" or "the latter." The former means you gave what I asked for in the email. The latter means...you didn't. But the email was nice enough. Just not what I was asking for.

I guess maybe I shouldn't have sent it at all...But I made it incredibly clear what I wanted... maybe it really *isn't* OK? So you don't want to lie to me? Sigh. Maybe I'll just drop the topic for the time being, even though you agreed that it's a good idea to continue the discussion.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
OK, that brief, somewhat playful reply of yours made me feel better. Funny how you replied right after I sent you "No need to reply; we can just talk tomorrow." I was very tempted to say "But there is no option D!" I am glad you said "all of the above" though. Because one of those was that you were OK with it.
Love,
LT

I'm hoping my gastro doctor actually tells me to lose weight so you will shut it with your poodle science healthy at any size bs talk. I can't even be a little bit overweight without it causing medical issues.

I was just coming on to write almost the same exact thing, except I have to wait until next week to possibly get a diagnosis. I have other symptoms that could be related, so of course I went down the Google rabbit hole and am convinced I have an awful disease.

Dear A1,

I worked on an art project today during what would have been our session. I think you’ll love it. I will mail it to you. But you can’t put it in the office where you do in person sessions. Home/virtual session office only.

I can’t wait until Monday! I hope the traveling and walking around didn’t wear you out too much…I worry about you just as much as you worry about me.



A2

Why did you go away on your own and not with your wife? Something is definitely going on, I just wish you would tell me rather than my mind going to all the bad places - did you have an affair, did you do something else bad? I know it might not be anything to do with you, but these thoughts then make me want to push you away in case you are a person that would do that and can’t be trusted. It makes me angry with you, which I know is absolutely unfair. But it’s not like I can talk about this with you.

At the same time, the fact that you spent five minutes recording bird song whilst you were away because you knew I would like it and you thought it would be fun for us to ID the birds together was really thoughtful. It’s nice to know that for those few minutes I was in your thoughts.

Hopefully it won’t take too many sessions for us to get some form of connection back and you will stop feeling so much like a stranger. This is why you going away is so difficult to manage.

Two more sleeps until we speak again.
It's hard to find the right words, so please, please keep me talking.
Please ask good questions.

I didn't expect to have to fend off a Father's Day related griefquake about what Steve's kids no longer get to experience.

I had to do so in the card shop when I was buying my dad's card too.

All the qualities that made Steve an excellent father extended into the rest of his relationships.

My head hurts. I want to disappear. Life is really hard.

'And when I say that I'm OK
They look at me kinda strange...' - John Lennon, 'Watching the Wheels'

This near drowning is maddening, and yet there is still such fire and ferocity in this grief.
One of the ways I find connection at the moment is through online church services, and yet there's a pause in the Lord's Prayer, where there really shouldn't be.

Peace is so hard to come by with this tragedy.
Peace is what we wish for someone when they've been ill for a long time...and they're finally released.

Please help me to keep the filter down when we talk.

Why do you have to be doing other things this week? I feel like you get my chaos way more than the peer support person. Peer support says "when you're running at 120%, tense your toes and relax" (paraphrasing), but you understand that when something triggers me, I go from 0-100 within a millisecond, and without thinking I'm reaching for a bottle or a pipe or a razor or a bucket of ice cream followed by a trip to the toilet or my phone to tell people that I'm in crisis once again and end up arguing with them, and right now I can only try to use what limited skills I've learned so far, but 99% of the time I fail (edit: for now. I'm working on it, it's just not working for me yet).

I miss my "big sister" from Concord too. Makes me not care if I get my CD revoked.

I can see the negatives in knowing 'too much' about a therapist now. Since you told me your wife started working in our room on Fridays, the things I have learned are a bit sad. The electro magnetic crap, energy centres and courgettes LOL

I wish you would come visit me in the hospital but kno2 you wouldn't. I feel like I am dying.

Artie you should let her know. You need to call her and tell her what is going on. This i know.

I told her friday when i canceled my session and updated her again on Monday....

I'm probably just feeling sorry for myself because I'm so miserable.

When Mary Shelley wanted to know how Frankenstein was being received, she sent a message to her publishers: ?

They responded with: !

I sometimes wish we had a similar system.

Me: !

You: ❤️

Or something...

When you named 'peace' as what I wanted, that was profound.
I guess that's a human yearning, but particularly in a life after loss context.

I know that my focus needs to be personal, but it's bloody hard.

Dear T,
Kinda wish I hadn't gone there today while being away and not seeing you until Monday now. I'll do my best not to email you. I mean, I guess it's good I'm in the "light orange" (how many shades are in your scale exactly???) and that you'd let me know first if you felt you'd need to charge for a response. But I'm not sure what I even want to ask? Like I said, I'm going to just try to hold the thing you said at the end, about your feelings evolving and becoming less uncomfortable with what I said, in my mind. And I hope I can do that. Maybe journal about it some. Channel it into my writing.

And gees, couldn't you have just said "Yes, I'll be away this weekend" (with being off Friday) or not, without the cryptic answer about email? Maybe you didn't want me to feel like I couldn't reach out.

Anyway...maybe in some ways it's good I got some of that out, and there's a bit of a longer break now? Like maybe that's actually a good thing? I don't know...maybe I should have just done the session tomorrow instead, but I didn't like having to race home from the beach, then go back out again to see you. But a handshake at the end today would have been nice.

Love,
LT

We weren't going to do another session until the 4th but since you have both confused and p1$$Ed me off in equal measure, I've had to ask for a session next week in order to get this issue sorted.

We've been working together for some 20 months now and I've always paid you on time, sometimes early. You even said in our last session that you had no worries on that score; yet that evening for the first time ever, you chased me for payment.

Did you really think I wasn't going to pay? Because if so, that shows a distinct lack of trust. I am really hoping I've misunderstood, because I can't tell you how gutted and hurt I feel if that wasn't the case.

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