Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
I know you'll say no, even if you had something. I'm so needy, like your dog.
Love,
LT

Dear so-called T... You're not really a T, yet as we have an appointment tomorrow, I will keep it.

I don't know if you'll get mad. I swear I can handle this myself. I told my mom. I contacted my doctor earlier because I think its med related side effects. I don't want you to think differently of me.

Updarte: 4 hours later and I feel queasy but my blood pressuee is fine.. i woke up in a sweat and with a hangover though.

Dear T,
I figured. I suppose I could have asked if the 3 was an actual option, but like I said, with driving home, I imagine I wouldn't want to go meet you for that. Maybe I'll see how I feel in the morning and can ask if I feel I might still want something? Or maybe I'll email, but I really don't know what to say. I want reassurance, but I'm not sure that's your thing. And connection, also not your thing! I just want to know you're still there, but I know I should just trust that. Anyway, will give it some time, hoping it might pass.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Well, clearly emailing was a mistake. That just hurt me more. You basically said "Go spend time talking to these other people who can accept your love instead of me."

I don't think we should talk about this topic anymore. I wish I hadn't brought it up yesterday. I wish you weren't off tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to drive 3 hours home today.

I'm not even sure I want to continue seeing you at all. I guess I'll see how I feel Monday.


LT

Keeping busy keeps the enormous grief at bay whilst I'm busy.
When I'm not busy it settles in my chest.
It's a Catch 22, because it bothers me that I can no longer engage with the good that Steve put into the world, but at the same time I have to be mindful of not being a complete wreck.

I did get things under control. I'll tell you most of it. But not all of what went on last night.

I saw you at 2:30 today. And it went alright. It was good to see you and I'm glad I went.

I haven't met with you since the 13th and I haven't emailed you since last Friday. I feel like I've been handling things ok on my own. Well I've been dealing with them on my own I guess I should say.

Dear T,
I'm glad you were able to have the 30-minute session with me today. It helped to talk, though a couple things you said still hurt. I wouldn't have wanted to leave things as they were until Monday though, and emailing would have been risky. And I'd rather pay for an extra half-session than an email (plus, insurance will reimburse for half of that).

I need to think on some of it more. Like whether I can continue with you, knowing you'll never fully accept it. (I still don't understand why you can't?)

I'll also try to figure out how to explain what "love" means for me, at least in the platonic sense. You'd think that being a writer, I'd be good at something like that, but apparently not!

Love (whatever it means),
LT

Thanks for checking on me yesterday. It was funny that our texts crossed in the mail so to speak lol

Oh, and I'm not coming back to therapy; realizing that i don't need or want it anymore is part of the life-altering-ness of my current hospital stay/illness. I just gotta figure out how I'ma tell you - prolly a phone call.

You can't even bring yourself to say that you like me. Understandable on multiple levels of course, but it doesn't feel great. And made worse by the fact that you won't fight either. I don't know what ground this is. Get down in this with me, in the grit and the muck. You are so superior in your stupid black tights.

I'm glad our session went well and you wrote down what was on my mind so we could discuss them and not forget anything. We both agreed telesession was still going well. I thought the email I saw after our session ended saying you were going to be 4 minutes late was kinda unecessary. I didn't really notice you were late considering I was almost late myself logging on and I was not impatient waiting for you.

I'm also glad I discussed that incident in Jr. High that was bugging me all week.

I do feel like you are being kinda dissmisive about my weight concerns. But I'll talk to my medical doctors next week and ask them about things.

T: I haven’t seen you in a month!! That is the longest time in 8 years. I kind of feel like I probably am not such a priority anymore, since I can’t pay you, and we will be terminating soon. I don’t know how I will handle this, with everything else going on.

E: Please, please be here for me for a bit longer.

Dear peer specialist,
You haven't seen me 100% sober in over three weeks. So, if doc says I'm manic and you say "no she seemed pretty tired and chill when I saw her," that was the weed and the alcohol.

I had a dream about my transference T but when I woke up I felt differently then I did in the dream. I'm forgetting her to be honest. I'm not sure what the dream meant.

But current T, I saw that flicker of concern in your eyes when I said I liked women. You are not my type though. Just don't start acting weird. Please.

E: Please, please be ok. And your family, too. I am really worried. It isn’t like you to not email or text back. I am spiraling.

Why do the big things always happen between sessions?
It's not clear whether choosing not to do this training would impact my ability to do the work I love with my adult students.

It's one of those things where I can't tell whether to grin and bear it, or whether the toll of that would be too high.

I kinda want to email you but I'm not sure its worth it since nothing actually was wrong today. Plus Idk if telling you through email how depressed I've been these past 2 days is a good idea.

Dear T,
Some of what you said today really helped me. I appreciate your saying some of it out loud. And thanks for letting me stay for a full. I think you realized that what we were discussing at the end was really important.

The reason I started crying right before we started that second segment was because the way you were in the first half about the things I was talking about--how you were being supportive and empathetic while also challenging me a bit on things--those are reasons I want to keep working with you, why I feel you're a good therapist for me much of the time.

Maybe it was something about your giving that support after some of the difficult conversations we had last week? Like, you're still there, you're in my corner--and you want to be there.

Love,
LT

Professional Lost is trying to rationalise the training.
Emotional Lost was awake at 3:00 this morning wracked with anxiety over it.

Yes, I have a responsibility to my students, but I also have a responsibility to keep myself centred and OK within reason.

Doing the right thing for me so often feels like doing the wrong thing for somebody else.

It's hard to know where the line is.

Speak soon, I hope....

Lost

I thought about you weirdly yesterday but I forget why. Probably just nonsense as ususual.

Yeah, so I changed my mind about not coming back at all... not that you know any of this ha. Even before I got sick, I had some big realizations that came out in my writing that I want to talk with you about, and would have already if I hadn't had to cancel the last 2 friday's due to being in the hospital. So we can talk about those and I'm sure I'll want to tell you about what ended up being wrong with me, since the only medical info I gave you was that first friday before i really knew anything much - so you don't know near the whole story yet. it was way more serious than I knew at first. Can't wait til Friday. It will have been 3 weeks since our last session already! Yeesh!

I feel like I'm back in my body now after being absent from it for a few days.
Excellent timing considering tomorrow's event.
Still feeling absolutely exhausted though.

Looking forward to debriefing with you next week.

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