Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I'm so sad. My heart hurts.

I lied when I said I didn't want a response back.

After X died, even though it doesn't change anything, I didn't want our last exchange to be the way it was. So I told you that I loved you.

I deleted you as a contact and our chat.

Seven more sleeps...

Thanks for that non weight related reassurance email. Even if you now know something about me I'd rather you not know.

I sorta wanna talk to you about the test results I got today. Since you already know this is going on and stuff. But what point would there be now? I mean I know a little more specifically than I did before this test, but I still don't know if it's the word I don't want to say out loud. I'm leaning on my faith that I rediscovered while I was in the hospital in June and doing my best not to worry. Physical labor is helping keep me out of my head too.

It's kinda sad that it's you I wanna talk to, and not my Mom, huh. Sigh.

Artie, hope it's OK that I comment here. But it actually makes sense to me that you'd want to talk to your (former?) T rather than your mom. With your mom, you'd likely have to deal with *her* feelings and reactions to it. With a T (in theory, at least) you shouldn't have to--it can all be about what you're feeling and thinking.

Exactly, LT.

What if my mom runs into her. I don't think she would recgonize her though. Its very possible she would be there at this time.

Well that was an interesting session. Some major avoidance going on by both of us it felt like. Both of us just desperately sticking to polite chit chat. I think you’re surprised that I stuck to my decision to refuse the session on Thursday because you cancelled yet another Friday session this week. But I’m determined to make a point that I’m not going to let you walk all over me and just be a good girl and accept rearranging just because it suits you.. I want you to realise your actions have consequences. You cancel a Friday session, you don’t get paid because I am no longer willing to keep rearranging. Petty? Yes. Do I care? No.

I don't think I can do this. How am I suppose to say goodbye to you in this way. And the fact that it is like this for me; really makes me wonder if this doesn't need to happen.

In other news, I calculated up the money you would be making from me if I was still seeing you at 4x a week --- are you sure financially you are making the right decision. You could be making bank if you saw me like you used to. I mean really, maybe you should do some recalculations and some advertisement. I know that's not a real option. I think you are off though around the money part of your decision making.

Five more sleeps.
Looking forward to talking to someone who understands me.

Dear T,
I was expecting that money question to be a whole thing, then it just...wasn't. I appreciated the reassurance today around that. And the caring--I felt it again at the end when you said you hoped my head felt better, when I'd just mentioned that in passing in the beginning. It felt like you squeezed my hand tighter than usual, too. Or maybe I was squeezing tighter and you instinctively squeezed back. Either way, it felt reassuring.
Love,
LT

I am waiting for you to tell me to do whatever I think is best for me. The nail in the coffin of 'I really don't care anymore' responses. Maybe I should tell you that is how I take that statement.

At the same time, I feel like you've lost the right to know what I am thinking/feeling - about anything in my life.

**pc group, sorry to spam**

L,
I wish I was your daughter. Then you would make time for me, consistent or not.

I don't really feel like dealing with you going on and on about healthy at any size and how all weight loss is bad. I feel like if I bring up that doesn't healthy at any size also go the other way too and that you can be on the slender size and also be healthy, you would just call me fatphobic.

I am sorry I emailed what I emailed... it was crazy talk. I was mad. I shouldn't have said anything. You must really think I'm out there.

I've written up a "don't read previous email" email. The problem is, is to get help; maybe you need to see it. Or maybe not. I usually can control those types of outbursts.

Just **** off about food tommorow. If I'm not in the ER that is. If I'm not feeling good or am in a **** ton of pain, I'm not going to eat ANYTHING. I don't give a **** if you are fine not being able to ride on roller coasters or fly on airplanes or go to baseball games. This is my body, and stop trying to control me especially when something is very medically wrong and I legit can't eat without being in the bathroom all night.

I am so sorry for cancelling an hour before our session. I told you that you could charge me. Something just is not right at all with me today and its kind of an emergency. And its not food related unless you count the pizza from last night possibly being an issue. But thats not your area.

Three more sleeps...

Dear T,
When I was driving away from session, it occurred to me: We talked about how my mom was someone I felt I couldn't criticize, in part because she couldn't deal well with criticism (and those in her life seemed/seem to feel that way, too--or maybe they just thought/think she's so great that there's no reason to criticize or question her?). But I feel that way about you, too. Yes, I do that sometimes anyway. But I wonder if that's what some of the enactments are about? Of course...I feel I can't tell you this because saying you don't deal well with criticism is...criticism. And I don't want to end up in some conflict because of that. At the same time, it seems like an important thing to explore...

Also, duh, I should have known what the name "Motown" came from. I want to email to be like, "Motor City, duh!" but that's probably too friend-like, so I'll try to just remember to mention it Monday.
Love,
LT

Sorry for butting in LT, but not being able to offer feedback which could be interpreted as criticism, isn't indicative of a truly safe relationship. You are having to hide what you feel. It becomes about him and trying to avoid more potential conflict and further ruptures. It's still there in the room with you even if you don't verbalize it.

New person was okay, but I didn't feel it. He wasn't as good as you.

He tried but I was already feeling exhausted and checked out. It annoyed me a bit that he repeated himself a lot when I wanted him to move on, but he did give me 11 extra mins.

Still helped a bit to be told:

"I didn't do anything wrong" by talking about how that moment made me feel. and "that it was very valid to talk about concerns" and that he could spend an extra 2 hours with me on it, even if I may be brushed off as just being another conspiracy theorist .

We both know I'm a word person, but even so...
I don't know how I'm going to find the words to explain all that's happened over the last couple of weeks.

Thanks, Lemon. I do wonder how much of this is transference though, my feeling like I can't criticize him because he's an authority figure (like my mom). Or fearing his reaction if I do. Rather than it being about him in particular. Yes, he doesn't take criticism as well as he ideally would (for this type of relationship), but he also wouldn't abandon me over it.

Dear P,

TW for alcohol use.

well i had a rather disturbing dream last night. i wrote down as much of it as i could remember this morning, but as sometimes happens, while i was writing it down, i forgot what happened after the disturbing part. dang it. yes, I know, i need to do a dream re-entry and I will later today.