Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

At this point I should be prepared for it....something significant always happens around the time you are on leave.

Roll on the 14th August.

Dear T: It sucks, and maybe even kind of hurts that you don’t see much value in us continuing in the same way. I understand, but it just feels like another blow to my already battered system.

E: I should have said I wanted to talk this morning, I am such an idiot. And how on earth am I going to wait until Wednesday to talk to you about this?? I am shattered. Losing you is going to VERY difficult. I just think we have been in crisis mode for so long, and never got to really get into the trauma work. I am going to miss you so so much. Why does my life keep spiraling down? I am not sure if I can do it anymore, especially without your help.

I looked like a mess phyiscally and you didn't care which was good. The articles we went over were sorta not helpful though. Metabloism and set point and starvation mode. I get it all already. But I'm glad you let me end 10 minutes early.

Thinking about you today (naturally; it's Friday) and I have a dr appt this afternoon at the same time I used to come there. I'm a little nervous about it. Probably mostly because I still won't really have any answers today. Oh well.

I wish I could borrow your calm at the moment.
This email mess is one of the most stressful things I've ever experienced.

Dear T,
I managed not to email you (and it mostly felt OK). Now you'd better actually be in the office today! As I'm trusting that I would hear otherwise if you couldn't be. Or let me know if you have to do virtual or reschedule due to illness or being stranded somewhere, but hopefully that won't be the case.
Love,
LT

This is humiliating.

I wish I knew what you were thinking. With your changed approach, I'm not sure at all anymore if what was said before is still true today. I would like some clarity, please, but it seems I need to ask for it explicitly. Are you thinking it speaks for itself? It does not, it just confuses me.

Wishing that i'd asked you to talk more about this integrating thing. I think I understand it in a rudimentary way but I don't know.

Boo.

Thanks for replying to my text.

I'm not OK, but I will have to be for another 12 days or so.
There aren't enough expletives in the world for how not OK I am...but I couldn't cover that in a single text message.

T: I am definitely sad we will be ending shortly, but I do feel more settled and maybe ready to move forward without you completely along with me. I like that you said it doesn't mean I can never see you again, but it would be more of an adjunct thing, than weekly.

E: I have spent the past 3 days in high anxiety, plus a panic attack, and plus, well you know what it is. I was SO terrified that I was going to walk in today, and you were going to be like "Well, on Sep 1, we will have to terminate." I knew I would not handle it well. I did manage to tell you today that I feel like our work isn't done, not remotely close, most likely. That the loss of Jack (my cat), and then the ongoing crisis of my chronic pain in my feet, we have been off track. I am tired of us just constantly putting out fires. You told me the psychological name for that, but I forgot. I do feel better that if/when we do terminate, it will be a mutual decision. She will never just blindside me by telling me we are done, even despite my financial situation. I know that doesn't mean I get to see you for free forever; really probably not much longer, but I feel like at least I have some control of all of that. And you didn't actually say that you would stop working with me because of finances. That your sliding scale is changing in the fall. I just have to hope I will be able to afford it somehow.

I can't believe I finally got a hug after all these years! You have no idea how happy I am. It almost made me feel normal. Thank you.

We have a lot to talk about the week after next.
On top of...everything, one of my safe places has become less safe.

Being overweight and gaining weight is not healthy. My doctor was alarmed by my unexplained weight gain that you kept brushing off as "poodle science" and he is putting me on meds for it and doing a hormone test to see if theres an issue going on. Please stop with your healthy at any size talk. Its very harmful.

I have been trying to talk to you T about vulnerability but sometimes I have trouble being vulnerable with you. I don't know why. We have now had 22 appointments. I think we are just starting to make headway.

Dear T,
I wish you weren't going away at the end of the month again. I know it's for a bit less time, so it should, in theory, be easier. But I think this is the annual one where you drive a really long distance, and a couple times ago, you got a flat tire on the way there in bad storms, then on the way back you were sick. So I feel a bit more worried. (Hm, maybe it *is* actually worse to have some information?)

Also, I want to work out the fee change sooner than later. It's sort of looming over everything in my head. Part of me just wants to say tomorrow, "Would you be good with x amount?" And it seems totally fair because I'm increasing it by the same percentage--it's not like I just pulled some number out of my butt. If you just say, "Sure, that works," then it will be fine, and I'll feel relief. If you push back a bunch, that might be difficult. And I'm concerned that if we talk about it now, you'll start applying the new rate immediately, when it wouldn't be effective until mid-September. I guess I could ask...

I have all these other thoughts of things to work on, too. And feel ready to do so. I just hate that we'll only have a few weeks here, then I'm away (still unsure if we should meet once virtually then), we meet once or possibly twice, then you're away. And in there, D is also starting middle school, which will be stressful. And when you said how this month is a mess, I worry you'll be away another few days in there, too... I'll ask tomorrow.

Love,
LT

Dr S. What made you pick the day you did? Are you really stop seeing patients or just your private practice and you are working at a clinic now... or are you only seeing them video. A big part of me doesn't believe that you are stopping all together. I feel like if I hadn't complained or pushed about the in person, that maybe things would be different.

What are we suppose to do for 2 months? Would seeing you more or less over these 2 months be better, make it be less painful? Is there anyway for it to be less painful.

Is there any way/any thing that could happen that would have you changing your mind?

I am dreading this. I wish I had cancelled. I felt stuff very strongly and clearly after the last session, but now I can't be bothered and it all feels so bloody stupid. You just walked past the cafe where I am sitting and I was embarrassed that we are preparing to meet each other. Your hair is a weird colour. You should stop dying it. Be grey, it would suit your personality.

She understood about my doctor wanting me to lose weight. She didn't make a fuss about the metaformin. She did say "I normally believe in healthy at any size, but I know there are exceptions." Then she went into the poodle talk and body image and I just kinda tuned her out at that point because it seemed like she was suddenly changing her views of things. She can be odd. She sent me an email with a link called "body image views" I haven't looked at it.

Dear T,
I'm glad we figured out the new fee for next month. You're right that it had been hanging over my head, the expiration of my current reduced rate. I'm relieved that you accepted the amount I proposed, but did you really have to check my percentage math on your phone? Sorta felt like you didn't trust me. Even without the percentages, I think it's a fair offer on my part.

I'm confused, though, as to what you meant regarding your fees if I were to switch permanently to twice a week. Would I need to pay more then? Is this a volume discount? I guess we may need to discuss that Monday.

I am glad you seem open to doing a Sunday or two to accommodate my, then your vacations. At one point, it seemed like you were only willing to see certain clients then, and that was it. Also, that it could be in person. And that you'd be willing to meet at 9 am on a different day if I prefer. Glad I'll have a little time to decide about that.

Love,
LT

The type of dog you would have

Dr. S - I want to email you. I need to stop emailing you. We need to talk about the emailing and post contact. And what are the problems with you keeping all the stuff there. And what if anything from you do I want. I have to figure out if I want to give you the blanket or not. You've said you will not forget me. And you know that my love is there even when I am hating you, even when I am grieving the loss of you.

SI Trigger

Once I get to the SL group tomorrow, I have one week to wait until our next session.
I think the 'plan' is going to have to wait, because I need to get all this out first.

Dr. S. Struggling with the thoughts about future. Why can't I just let it be in the now. I want mommy. I have not ached for you like this in a long time.

Maybe if I understood those things - this wouldn't hurt so much or would somehow be different.

My online SL support group wasn't the release I needed tonight.
Two moderators and eight members in a Zoom room.
The most I spoke was when I introduced myself, even though I had stuff that I should have talked about.

Eight more sleeps, I think...