Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Now that we're in different countries, the thought that we might never see each other again just kills me.

I know you wanted me to email you about how the gastro doctor went. I just haven't felt well enough physically to email you. I can't think clearly and I just want to lie down all day. I'm doing good on my own. I won't bother you over the long weekend. So idk. Maybe I'll email you Tuesday possibly? Or I'll just wait until our session. Idk.

Dear T,

Stupidly thought you might reply tonight, at least to wish me well. Guess you're being all boundaried. Or maybe just busy. I wanted to send another email saying how I was struggling, but didn't want to bombard you. And if you charged me for emails about my having Covid, that would be really difficult for me.

I do want to ask if you have something Sunday (I doubt you will, from what you said today about scheduling then in general), but will wait until you reply to ask. Plus, that would be a scheduling text/email, so wouldn't "count" in terms of possibly charging me. Plus, want to see how I'm doing, both psychologically and physically.

Love,
LT

T and E: I can’t believe that BOTH of my relationships with you will end in the near future. Why did my life completely fall apart? I hate it. Nothing feels like it is going to get better. I didn’t sleep last night, and am still awake. I had to call the crisis line twice last night, one at 3 am. Apparently that is a busy time.

Anyway, I will miss you this week when i am inpatient. Also, I am terrified of leaving. Already, and I haven’t even got there.

Dear T,
I really appreciate your caring response this morning.

Don't currently feel like I want/need to ask you about tomorrow. I can wait until Monday.

Love,
LT

Apparently that habit I have of typing and deleting emails isn't exclusive to you.
I know I need to do something about the SL support group, but don't know what to say.
Of course, today's trigger has put that on the back burner.

Too much going on over the next 2 Tuesdays to be able to fit sessions in on our usual times as well. So unless you can reschedule, we might not be able to meet again until 13th June. Strangely though, I feel ok about that, for the moment anyway. A few months ago I'd have been in a right state at the thought of not being able to have a session for nearly 3 weeks. So either I have progressed. Or it's telling me that I'm done with therapy. Or I've reached a point where I'm just past caring any more. Not sure which it is. Maybe a bit of all three.

Living on my nerves and very little sleep at the moment. Axe-falling day has nearly arrived and at that point I will need to make a decision whether to carry on or not. At least if we are bringing things to an end, you will be one less person to worry about. I don't know how or even if, I'll be able to explain it. Put it in writing maybe, or just leave it with no explanation. Who is likely to really care anyway? Other people have too much going on in their own lives to be concerned with what's going on in mine. I wish things had been different. But as you would say: it is what it is.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

E: sorry for texting you last night. I gave in, i’m sorry.
At least you don’t have to hear from me in a week!

T: you are hilarious. how am i going to leave you?

looking forward to talking again on friday.

I finally decided to email you about the doctors appointment and the not good lab result and how they moved the procedure from August to June 8th. I haven't heard back from you, but it was a long weekend so I'm guessing you're just pretty busy.

When will I learn to trust you and the fact that no matter what I say you won’t react with horror, disgust, ridicule or rejection? Every single time you just take it in your stride and tell me it’s okay that I feel so strongly towards you and that you completely understand.

I still wish you would clarify what is happening in your life that is causing you to be sad. I suspect you and your wife are in a really bad place, perhaps splitting up? Why she would ever stop loving you though I don’t know, she’s very lucky to have you. I worry about you and I felt your hurt and sadness too.

But you talking directly to my young parts and telling them it’s okay to want what they want and if they want to colour together or read a story together then we can absolutely do that they just need to ask, means more to that little 5 year old than they will ever tell you. They now just need to build the courage to ask, I wish you would just take the lead though. Problem with all of this though is that it just makes me want you to be my dad even more.

The work with the Russian Dolls to help understand and identify my different parts was actually really useful. I know I was hesitant, but I’m glad I took the risk - I think this may be a way to finally breakthrough some of my defences.

Thank T. I felt extremely connected to you today.

I feel kind of sad today but I don't quite know why. I feel like buying a bunch of Kinder chocolate though.

I emailed the SL support group today, and copied you in, as I don't want to spend a great deal of session time on it next week.

We'll surely have enough to talk about.

Sorry. I haven't eaten since 2AM but I honestly don't care and I'm out of Ritz crackers.

Wow T, the power of our last session is still hitting me hard. The little 5 year old part of me cannot wait for you to read her a story and for us to sit on the floor together and colour. She’s so excited. This is completely new. I thought this part was gone forever, completely destroyed by the sexual abuse.
I know it might be a little while before we actually do any of these things as this little one will need to work up the courage to ask and then the older parts will have to allow these activities to happen, and we need to be very careful not to trigger this young part as she is easily frightened off, but the excitement at the thought of playing with you and that little child me finally getting some of her needs met feels wonderful. Please don’t disappoint me in anyway. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

Yeah I kinda wish we could have a 90-minute session this week. I have SO much to talk about after spending 6 days back in Missouri. I asked you a looooong time ago if you would ever consider a 90-minute session and I remember you saying you'd have to think about it which of course I heard as a "no" so I never mentioned it again, and I'm not exactly chomping at the bit to ask about it now!

Thanks for understanding why I copied you into that email.
I am bracing like nobody's business, and the anniversary is four days away.
Please help me to talk about the feelings and not get caught up in technicalities.

I clearly need to make some art or something, because this level of Feeling is not sustainable.

I don't think you'd mind if I wrote letters to him for the next 10 days and shared them, but...facing those feelings might turn me inside out.

Dear T, sometimes as well as the maternal transference I get erotic transference with you; I get sexual thoughts about you. I’d never be able to tell you because I’d never want to make you uncomfortable or for you to think I was disgusting. It’s not even like I want anything sexual to happen between us (that break of boundaries would make me feel unsafe especially with everything I’ve been through) I just can’t help the thoughts. I’ve tried to make the thoughts go away but they’re still happening. Sometimes I wonder how you would react if I ever told you. It would be a weight off my shoulders, but I worry things would never be the same again once you knew and I could never un-say it. It sounds like such an f-ed up combination with the maternal stuff as well, but I think it comes from different parts of me.

(MSF - if anyone has experienced anything like this before please feel free to comment. I feel so alone.)

I've experienced both paternal and erotic transference toward the same therapist at different times (sometimes at the same time)--and this has happened with two different therapists, who are very different both in personality and appearance. It's actually relatively common, from what I've read and been told.

I tended to view the erotic feelings as more wanting connection with the therapist rather than actually wanting something sexual to happen with them. I found that if it tried to push the thoughts away, it could make them more intense. So I tried to just accept them, like, "OK, I'm feeling this. I know what it's about, and it's OK."

As for whether to tell your therapist about them, that's much more complicated and would depend so much on your therapist and their comfort level with and experience with this sort of thing. It may partly have to do with their therapeutic orientation, too (like humanistic vs. psychodynamic vs. more cognitive or something else). I've had very...mixed results (including with the same therapist at different times) sharing both paternal/maternal and erotic feelings.

The main thing to keep in mind is exactly what you said--once you say them, you can't un-say them. My current therapist has said (in general, not about me specifically) that once that sort of thing is shared, it "lives in the relationship." You might be able to talk about that sort of thing in more general terms with your therapist, but I'd avoid sharing specific erotic thoughts. Others may feel it's better to get it out there, but it's very much a risk.

Hope that helped in some way! Just know you're not alone in this.

Wanted to just add a quick reply. I have maternal transference with my T, and sometimes I have sexual thoughts or dreams about her. We're both straight females. She says that my thoughts/dreams are about wanting comfort, connection, affection, and emotional intimacy. She thinks they're actually beautiful, and doesn't at all feel uncomfortable. I hope that helps.

So many feelings after our session today. After I mentioned feeling like a failure for leaving my job because I couls not longer handle the stress, your comment was spot on.

Telling me that I find my value in what I do or accomplish rather than who I am hit hard. You were so right and it hurts. How do I change that?

The after spending the session dealing with the anticipitory grief of saying goodbye to people I have work with for so.many years, it really hit home. We talked about next week being the start of the final goodbyes with people. A few hours later ( a half hour before the end of my work day) I realized today was the final day with one coworker I am especially close to...um I wasn't ready foe that.

The urgent art-making happened today.
I'll probably muck around with it a little before sharing it, though.
Or maybe it's finished...I don't know yet.

If you don't know the answer, I would rather that you said you didn't know. Repeating yourself, waffling, and stumbling is irritating and a bit de-stabilising. It's fine to not know something, it doesn't make you stupid. You have plenty of other things which do that.

I went out to lunch yesterday and breakfast today. Lunch was hard physically since my stomach was feeling weird. But then I randomly decided on a place. Breakfast today was easy. I woke up and for sure wanted to go out to a particular place. Neither place caused me much anxiety though. I hope you'll be impressed when we talk about it on Monday.

Thank you so much for replying and sharing your experience. You’ve made me feel less alone and that really means a lot. Thank you also for your advice from your experience, it’s helping me make a more informed choice of what I may share. I can understand why and how it would live in the relationship. I’ve told my T about the maternal transference, and it’s almost always there in the room with us since I shared it. It would be difficult to share this, then get a difficult reaction and then it always be lurking in sessions. I will have to have a think about what her reaction might be judging from how she’s reacted to other things I’ve shared and her personality and approach, and how that might impact me