Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
Thanks for reframing a couple things for me today, both regarding my job and the "endure" thought about the thing with B.

Somewhat related (because I probably wouldn't have been able to talk about that one thing the way I did otherwise): I imagine this won't be permanent (based on past experience with you and with ex-MC), but I feel like my transference is fading on some level, or at least shifted. Like I'm viewing you as "non-parent, non-partner, non-friend person who supports me and gives me guidance." More like, say, a mentor or coach. Or, you know, a therapist.

Also, I'm glad you mentioned having that paper published. I didn't let on that I'd googled when you were away last month and already knew about it. But I'm glad that now you've mentioned it, so I won't have to be concerned that I'll accidentally let that slip. But could you maybe have acknowledged the "congrats"? Or was that not the appropriate thing to say? I suspect you just didn't want to shift the focus to you, as you were using it as an example of why my work is important. But it feels awkward when something like "congratulations" is hanging out there, and the other person doesn't acknowledge it (kinda like when I was trying to wish you a happy birthday a couple years ago).

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Also, were you wiping tears at one point early in session? Maybe something triggered or particularly affected you there, like about D?
Love,
LT

I heard back from the gyno and now I want to talk to you again. Ugh.

Hoping I am strong enough to stick to the plan tomorrow.

I feel like therapy has just harmed overall.

Just a waste of time, money and energy with pseudo growth. What I needed was food and friends.

The Trauma T said she could work with me in September, but after finally getting to a point where I could trust you, I don’t think I can open myself up and do that again.

...i wish so many things...

Really can't thank you enough for your exquisite timing in cancelling today's session with two hours notice.

I understand, and yet it's beyond annoying.

You knew what today was going to be.

I'm so sorry, Lost. Sending hugs...Is there any way she can see you sooner than your next scheduled session?

Thanks, LT.

I've no way of knowing at this point, as she's recovering from a migraine.
It seems ironic now that she was concerned about a 10-day gap between sessions.

Will just have to hope that everything's back to normal next week.

Thanks for your moment of recognition.

Take care,

Lost

It's not my imagination, you definitely do pull away from me just as I feel most connected to you. I have no idea why, I cant even get you to admit it because why tf would you admit to that.

I hate this stupid dance and I don't want to do it anymore.

Dear T,
I think H and D are going home today so she can possibly see the neighbors. And I'll likely stay through tomorrow.

I'm just really sad. Thought I'd have another night to hang out with H, and I hate that D's OCD/autism is partly ruling her life (and ours)--especially because I've been there with my own OCD and anxiety. I keep wanting to say I'm sad that she's choosing the neighbors over her grandparents and our vacation, but I guess it isn't really her *choice*, is it? It's the OCD making her feel she has to do that. See, that's me trying to reframe it.

Wish I could talk to you. I mean, I imagine I could ask if you have any openings, but I imagine you won't, and I didn't want to do 3x this week.
Love,
LT

i don't know why this part of me is being so dang stubborn.

is it even possible to get to a place where one can say "I want such-and-such" instead of this compulsion to say "part of me wants, but part of me doesn't" ?!?!?!?! Why can't I do that? Is it really a matter of "parts"? Or does it have more to do with me not trusting myself and always needing an out or an excuse or something??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I don't much care for this "parts" idea anyway. Even though my whole freaking life I've said the "part of me wants/part of me doesn't" thing regarding half a gazillion different things.

Sometimes I feel like I'm only barely getting started, like I've barely scratched the surface, even though I've been at this for such a long time already.

Impatience is not a virtue.

Artie, it's the neverending onion from hell!

you ain't a kiddin' there ms una!

Dear T,
Well, D decided (by our deadline) that she wanted to stay. So we'll all be here another day after all. I'm glad about that. But I admit, there is a part of me that *would* sort of like to have the night to myself... though I'd have felt obligated to do something with my parents for at least, say, dinner.

But we had a good lunch out with my dad, D, and H. And H and I are planning on a low-key evening. So it's OK. And certainly better for H, as I wasn't sure how D would be for him at home tonight. Though I think my parents probably are ready for the break!

Also, glad I didn't ask you about a session today.

Love,
LT

I'm prepared to be ribbed about my eating this week. Especially today. I'm not sure you are even capable of seeing how hypocritcal it is to talk to me about my eating habits while you are drinking a large peanut butter chocolate smoothie during our session.

I like to say "I've been fine", and I do...
But we both know the truth is hard to come by
And if I told the truth, that's not quite true...'

I've slept off the ugliness of yesterday, but if I told you that I was doing OK, that would be a lie.

My everyday has become 10% more stressful on ordinary days, and 20% more stressful on days when I have to put compression stockings on and do normal human activities.

I think my hurt has been replaced by anger now.

I fantasize about leaving you a 1* negative review on google reviews, when all your others are 5*s.

You weren't hard on me about food today. You just asked if I ate today and seemed satifised by my few crackers with my smoothie. I didn't tell you though that I only drank half of if. Or that it was a weight loss smoothie.

You were kinda tough about the showering thing though. Asking if I'd like the idea of rewarding myself if I took a shower is kind of weird. I always think of rewards for kids. And never using food for a reward the way you mentioned. Although that might just be disordered thinking.

Why is it that when I struggle, you turn to hospitalization? I haven't been in the hospital for my mental health in 4+ years. I haven't been in a crisis house for 8+ years. And I haven't been inpatient since I was 13!!! Why do you give up on me so easily?

Just feeling really sad right now In this moment.

I want my brother.

Trying to stay strong, but I’m honestly just tired.

I took a shower this morning. And I do feel a ton better both physically and mentally. I did get coffee afterwards. Not really as a reward as you said, but kinda.

Dear T,
I imagine you'd say it's fine to come in person tomorrow, but even if this is just a cold, I don't want to risk giving you something right before your trip. If I feel totally fine by Tuesday or am quite confident that it's allergies, I may come in person then. Just hope I didn't annoy you by texting about a possible time change (I should never have agreed to change it when you asked if I could on Wednesday, but I assumed I'd be in person then, so it wouldn't matter). And like I said, I do completely understand your being unable to change and was expecting that. But someone could have always canceled/wanted time change, so figured was worth an ask.

I really miss the pre-pandemic days, when it would just be about "Is it a cold or allergies?" Though I guess at least Zoom is an option now (you may have been using it before that though).

Love,
LT