Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

That was a serious email that could very well need another serious follow up email. Although I don't want the whole email conversation to end up being food related again. I'm tired in my mind and body and I don't know whats ahead but some good non nagging support would help right now.

E-thanks for a great session. also, it did make me worry more about myself when you said it is pretty serious right now, and we should make a safety plan. UGH.

Thank you for being so very perceptive.

I also appreciated your point about surgeons and such desensitising themselves to talking about certain things over time.
Maybe you're right and that's what was going on for her.
I still think in a situation like that the focus should be on the person who's made the call.

Dear T,
I'm thinking about you a bit, but not feeling any sort of urge to contact you. Progress? Maybe it's partly the effect of seeing R instead of random backup T (or no one). But I think it could still be considered progress.

I mean, of course, I may end up contacting you over the weekend, but I've still gotten through 6 days (and presumably 7, unless things somehow go really sideways tonight).

Hope you're enjoying your time off.


Love,
LT

We need to talk more about what led me to call the support group.

I was so focused on the impact and my recovery that I didn't tell you the whole story.


I will do a lot of deep breathing between now and the next time we meet.


On some level I am exhausted through holding myself up.

It's interesting how I now miss you when we see each other every week and even when we skip a week, but not now, when we are skipping 2 weeks. I guess this is how progress goes.

Opening up to other people is hard.
Thankfully my support worker was receptive today.
I think it's all about how the question was phrased.

'Would you like to talk about it?' is a lot different than 'Can I ask?'

If it had been put like that, I would have felt more comfortable saying 'no'.

I know that I have to face my experience of living with this knowledge eventually, but I'd rather that be our project.

Dear T,
Miss you.
Love,
LT

I likely won't show it to you. But my poem today in response to the NaPoWriMo.net prompt to write a list poem, is to you...

Dear T and E:

I feel like no one understands how devastating this loss is for me. Right now, I do not want to hear about how my situation is only temporary, that this can be a good opportunity for change, or that I might be able to go back to my old position.

Right now I want to cry at the loss of being with my kids all day. Talking to their parents. Having fun with co-workers. Just enjoying my environment. Not everyone can say they like going to work every day, but I did. Then it got ripped away from me from something out of my control.

This hurts. A lot.

I didn't realize it was rude to look you up and down. Or that I was really even doing it until now. You do seem to have an uncomfortable look on your face when we stand up after our session and you prefer to sit away from me during sessions at your desk. Sorry.

My mission is to get from one end of today to the other, and be grateful for the distraction of work.

Taking your words to heart about it being OK for work to be a coping mechanism.

Thank you for yesterday; what a beautiful session all the way around. Thank you for the idea to honor my dream we worked on. And for coming outside with me when I left, that was nice.

My goal this week was to eat a chocolate chip muffin and I didn't do it. I did eat a piece of cookie pie and some Easter candy if that works instead. I guess I'm still not in the mood to eat a 600 calorie muffin. I know you want to see me try so maybe I'll figure it out before our session.

Dear T,
I sort of want to email you like just to say hi/make sure you still exist. But I'll try not to do that. I figure if I get through tomorrow morning without emailing, then I'm good. As I see you early Monday afternoon anyway. I think it's being alone in the house that makes me want to reach out more. And H and D also return tomorrow, so that will go away, too. Hm, maybe it's also because I'm writing about ex-MC for the memoir class? Yeah, that's probably part of it. Plus talking about you to R yesterday (and Monday), though much of yesterday's discussion about you was positive (less so Monday!).

OK, that's a lot of reasons! So the fact that I haven't says something. It doesn't feel like it's about our email discussions. (I imagine it would be completely fine if I emailed something brief.) More that I want to actually have something to say and to feel some real need to reach out to you in order to do so while you're on vacation. Not just for the sake of reaching out. I mean, it would be nice to see a "Yes, I still exist! I'll see you tomorrow." in my inbox in the morning. But do I *need* that? Or even really really want it?

We'll see how I feel in a few hours or when I'm randomly awake at 3 a.m. Safe travels if you're still away, or sleep well if you're home.

Love,
LT

Still in the aftermath of the support group phone call.
We really need to talk about that more.
I wasn't given the space to decide whether I could answer the question.
It's more than a coin toss kind of decision.

'You don't have to go there if you don't want to' isn't something that can be tacked on to the end of a sentence.

Truth be told, I want nothing more than to get that information away from me, but I don't know how to, because it's one of those 'grenade' type situations.

Dear T,
Hey, I didn't email you!

Love,
LT

I think you guys will be so proud of me! I told my mom (ok, so called me first) all about the foot situation that has been going on. Like everybody else, you see the losing of my job as an opportunity for growth. Eff that! We all know how terrified I am at change, and unknowns, and anticipatory anxiety…etc

At least she now knows. I got a little more information on my mom’s childhood. She said her home life “wasn’t good,” and the only person she could talk to was her brother. He’s a year older, and left the house when she was 18. She said she has no one to talk to. Then I pointed out-“And you were pregnant! (with me)”

She said she begged to stay home during her pregnancy, but like many very religious types born in the mid 30’s, the right answer is to move in with my dad and get married. So that’s what they did. She said neither one of them wanted to get married, but their parents won that argument. She said that they hardly knew each other, they had only been dating for a few months; which I kind of knew already. Then she casually goes “Yeah, I think he liked someone else more than me.” (insert jaw drop emoji)

Lovely! My mom did emphasize that she always wanted me and my brother. That was never a problem. She also said that she held a lot of resentment towards her parents for a long time, but has let that go. This is the most information I’ve ever got from her and how she grew up.

Of course, I have no clue what “not good” means in terms of how she remembers her childhood. She then told me that she wishes she could have done things differently, in parenting me and my brother. But after that, she goes “But you guys grew up knowing you were loved (i did?!), and it could have been worse-they could have been out on the streets, doing drugs or drinking alcohol.

Hmmm. Don’t know what to think right now. Earlier in the conversation, we were talking about how even siblings grow up so different in the same environment. She says she never has any clue what is going on in her sister’s head, while her brother will post on FB if he’s constipated (lol). When she was talking about my aunt and saying how she (my mom) never knows what is going on in her life, she said something to the effect of “And that is also true with you as well.”

I wish I could remember exactly what she said there.

Whew, that was a lot! If I didn’t write it down, I would have forgot most of the details. This is good conversation starter for therapy.

I didn't eat Easter dinner. I ate a soft pretzel and a diet bar in my room. I don't think you'll be all that happy. I could just not bring it up too. Although you probably will, and I suck at lying. I'll try to find a chocolate chip muffin somewhere though so I'll meet my goal we set.

I'm so far into my feelings at the moment that I don't know what to do.
I didn't envisage the conversation about the phone call being in multiple parts, but I guess that's where we're going to end up on Thursday.

After the mess I made of the last email, I'm trying not to do that again.

It is not fair when an act of trust backfires this spectacularly.
I've been sitting in 'He did what?' all this week.

It's not ****ing fair.

I miss you. If you weren't on vacation we would be having our session in a little less than an hour. Boo.

I am a bit mad at you. Even though you haven't done anything wrong. Just you are disrupting my life with your vacation. But honestly there is probably not another good time to go on vacation because I always have issues. I do miss you. Ugh. So annoying. Hope you do have a good trip at least. Enjoy the time with your family.

Today was possibly the first time I have ever wanted to lie down after a session.
This feels like some kind of threshold moment.

E: I am already apologizing in advance for tomorrow’s session. My walls just got smashed down by being told I most likely will not likely be able to say goodbye to the kids, or my co-workers, or the parents. I am shattered. I was already feeling guilty that I have left them a long time, but now, to never see them again?? I can barely breathe I am crying so hard.

They have been my livelihood for the past 13 years. And boom, I am just gone. No explanation. How will I get through this? I also see the doctor for a follow up after the MRI. So who knows how that appointment will go.