Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

yeah gon be weird not seeing you tomorrow!

it's all good though

Stop confusing me with your other clients, the stuff you say makes no sense. I tell you about how I was hopeful that my family would want to celebrate Easter, imagined taking the baby to the park with them....they didn't want anything to do with it.

But somehow you fk it up and say IM the one that doesn't believe people want to connect with me? Uh wrong, I thought they would! But they didn't! I always think I have a good connection with someone, until they show me that I don't. How is that my fault? I think you are too used to another type of client.

I hate it when you take 3-week holidays. I hope you’re not dead. 2 more weeks to go…

Dear T,
Please reply about scheduling sooner than later. I know opting for 2 sessions next week was my choice, but I partly did that assuming you'd be available for the regular 3 sessions the following week. So learning at the end of session that you won't be (at least not all the usual days) is triggering some annoying abandonment stuff (I didn't mention that though).

It would be great if you could reply tonight, as it's a scheduling email (which you classify differently), not a clinical one. But maybe you have stuff going on? And part of me wants to be like, "Actually, I might prefer the option of 3 next week, if it's possible," but I don't want to send another email. So I assume you'll present me with the available options and let me choose.

Plus, OK, I feel sort of vulnerable about some stuff we discussed today, but really don't want to send a separate email about that. But I imagine that's playing into this stuff.

Love,
LT

Dear T. Still miss you. But not bothering you while you are on vacation. Can you telepathically tell I'm not doing well and do some telepathic healing back to me? That would be great, if it isn't too much to ask! Kit

I didnt think of you much at all on my trip. I just enjoyed myself.

Y'know something - it's been really, how shall I describe it, liberating? the stuff we talked about last week re: understanding/being on the lookout for the complexes that we named. It has been so very helpful lately, I can't even tell you how much. Thank you. H & I had a really great but short weekend (we came home this afternoon, instead of staying one more night, as the hotel screwed up our reservation so were were both all eh, let's just go home.)

Dear T,

Or maybe you won't reply tonight...I mean, had you told me before I was literally walking out the door today about being out that Wednesday, I'd have just asked about this in session today...I also worry that your not replying suggests that you can't accommodate any of my requests. Or that you're annoyed by them. Likely, you're just busy. And figure it's not urgent. Which is true. I'd just rather know.

Love,
LT

Help. I can’t do this.

You've urged me not to prepare for our next session, but I don't want to waste a word.
I don't know what to do in that situation.

Dear T,
Thanks for being accommodating.
Love,
LT

I think I need to stop seeing my mother. She is the lead in my apple, the cryptonite to my (super)(wo)(man). She feels better, and I feel worse.

I wanted to throw up a couple times this week to make my stomach feel better. Even though I'm not binging on food. I just haven't felt good physically and I'd feel so much better if I could just throw up. But I refuse to go down that road. But I want to discuss this with you at our next session and see what you have to say.

Dear T: I am anxiously awaiting a reply from you about my schedule changes. It most likely won’t be a Mon or Tues, bc my break is shorter; but I didn’t get to talk to you last week. Stupid school break!

wowsa the dream i woke up from this morning when the alarm went off. so much there that I can work with!!

I've scheduled an email that you'll receive tomorrow.
The Critic is being particularly vicious about this conversation.
Of course, the closer I get to the 'truth', the louder it gets.

What I'm really saying is 'Don't leave me alone in this conversation', I guess.

you sang

I guess I can't complain much about how I'm annoyed that you switched our session to remote since I did the same thing last week. But I just had some stuff to talk about that I don't really have the privacy to talk about in my house.

Did I offend you in any way today? Our session seemed a bit off. Well you kinda seemed off. Although it may have had nothing to do with me since you had to switch to zoom suddenly. So it could have been personal. I'm worried I word vomitted a bit since I was so close to actually vomitting. You just seemed kinda standoffish at times.

46 hours until I can talk to you.

I've never had a therapist do a session lying down on their side. Or lying down at all. Kinda werid, kinda interesting. I did a pdoc appointment lying down on my side in bed one time though. Just a bizzare session all around. It made me feel weird all day. You said you dealt with "eating disorder stuff" in highschool. So idk. Maybe I do say **** I shouldn't.

Thanks for acknowledging my email.
I appreciated your use of the word 'gently', because that seems to be key to all of this.
There's next to nothing gentle about it.

I guess thanks for checking in on me. But you really didn't say anything helpful. "Okay" Isn't particularly helpful. Please show up with your A game tomorrow. Thanks. Kit

I'm worried that you are going to terminate me today or say that terminating me is the only way to get me the more support I asked for.

I know it's a risk; it's in the set of possibles. This one I think is 50/50. What I don't know is if it is what you want - do you want to get rid of me. You've always said there are easier ways than this.

How do I trust you/this? I know you can care about me and terminate me at the same time. I'm f**** up. I want to say... just forget what I wrote. 1.66 hours to go. I've done pretty good up until the last hour or so. Now I wish I would have asked you about it last night.

hi t,

were you cooking dinner while we were talking earlier? it definitely sounded like it. thanks for saying you like and respect me - it wasn’t necessary, but it does make me feel safer in our relationship.

me