Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

ScarletPimpernel · Jul 07, 2024, 01:58 PM

Another rupture. 5 now. And you eluding to me being disrespectful of you, your experience and your feelings just makes me so much more angry at you. You don't get it and this all just proves it!

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 08, 2024, 03:35 AM

You have an email, and I feel like I have a deadline in order to be able to manage over the summer.

This is the time of year I need more support, not measurably less.

Mountaindewed · Jul 08, 2024, 03:18 PM

I'll tell you tommorow about what happened today since I had already emailed you that question about what time our appointment was and then you sent 2 emails on your own. Idk why you didn't just combine the 2nd and 3rd one instead of sending them an hour apart.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 09, 2024, 08:42 AM

Thanks for acknowledging my email.

I didn't give you much to go on.
Understanding is meant to be a good thing, but in this case it's not.

DigitalDarkroom · Jul 09, 2024, 09:18 PM

Dear A1,

The closer your surgery date gets the more scared I get. I need you to be okay and I need you to be alive.

A2

Mountaindewed · Jul 10, 2024, 03:28 PM

With my transference T 4 years ago, I would have been begging for her to fit me in somehow. But I understand now you are booked and will fit me in if you get a cancellation.

But ok I'll admit. I am a tiny bit jealous of your clients who do get to see you next week.

I know my physical health is more important right now anyways.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 10, 2024, 04:17 PM

Dear T,

I'm really struggling with your suddenly taking vacation next week. I know you're still seeing clients virtually, but it's not the same. Especially with all the chaos and unknowns of the move. And when you said a month ago you didn't expect to take a vacation at all.

And I'm struggling, too, with the "I really need the money" response to my feeling bad for see you while you're on vacation. Which focuses on the transactional nature of the relationship. I know that's how it is, but it's still difficult.

And OF COURSE my parents' condo isn't available the time of your actual move. (Though who knows if it will happen then anyway?) I imagine R won't be available next week either... I'd ask if she'd be available the day you're moving Dr. H, but of course, you don't know when that day is, so not like I can schedule with her... And I guess she'd be packing anyway.

Trying not to email you about all this...Or to ask about availability tomorrow (though maybe you'd find a way to fit me in due to needing the money!)

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 11, 2024, 03:10 AM

So sorry you're dealing with this LT.

I hope a path emerges that allows you to feel more at ease with what's going on.

Feel free to PM if you want to vent.

Lost

LonesomeTonight · Jul 11, 2024, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

So sorry you're dealing with this LT.

I hope a path emerges that allows you to feel more at ease with what's going on.

Feel free to PM if you want to vent.

Lost

Thanks, Lost, missed this earlier!

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 11, 2024, 11:47 AM

Thank you for understanding the magnitude of this.

I appreciate your ability to translate the things I couldn't say.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 13, 2024, 07:08 AM

Dear T,

We did good work yesterday. I'm not sure what has changed in you (or maybe in us?), but I'm glad you seem so much more comfortable talking about transference stuff. And I think we need to be able to talk about that stuff (without your seeming horrified or at least very uncomfortable) to figure out the root of it all such that I can work through it.

I think we hit on some important stuff yesterday. Glad I took the risk to discuss it even though you're about to go away (though it's a working vacation, so not like I won't talk to you for a week).

Think I had a good insight while writing through a bout of insomnia last night. We can talk about it Monday morning after I let it bake a bit.

Safe travels. And hope you can relax a bit and enjoy time with your family (even though Little LT is a bit jealous!)

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 14, 2024, 10:31 AM

The thought of two in person sessions left until September does not calm me in the slightest, but I will take it one session at a time.

We have enough to talk about regarding the new layers of understanding, and I cannot bring myself to have another conversation about something that will not change.

DigitalDarkroom · Jul 15, 2024, 10:38 AM

Dear A1,

In one hour we have our last hour together until you recover. I will miss you like crazy. We’ve never been “apart” for so many weeks but as long as I know you made it through surgery and you’re okay then I will be okay. I can do 3 weeks. It’s so much better than you not being here at all. I really hope you’re well enough to message me before Friday.

A2

Mountaindewed · Jul 16, 2024, 01:55 PM

I'm doing fine on my own. I don't know if you expected an email yesterday, but it can wait. I'd probably say no to a Friday session anyways. I'm tired and could use a break this week.

darkestpart · Jul 16, 2024, 09:09 PM

hey t,

guess what?! i am watching a true crime documentary. HA!

me

LonesomeTonight · Jul 17, 2024, 06:04 AM

Dear T,

Sorta wish I was still seeing you today, but not for any particular clinical reason. I really thought Monday's virtual session would have felt weirder (like it did last time we met when you were out of town), which is part of why I opted to cancel today to see R tomorrow. I(Plus, when I scheduled with her, I was really upset.) hope you understood that and didn't think I was changing the schedule out of spite for your going away. But you said you hoped it went well with R when we signed off Monday, so you seemed fine about it.

One reason I wish we were meeting is to ask about any move updates. I didn't think you'd have had any Monday, especially with the session being so early. But you'll need the permit soon for you to move on the 28th. If you may need to vacate the current building and work from home for a bit, then that might shift what I want to do with the beach (well, along with the forecast). Hoping that won't be the case, for both your sake and mine.

Hope you're relaxing some.

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Jul 17, 2024, 07:48 PM

P.S.

I can’t even cry
anymore. I’ve no tears left
for the likes of you.

ScarletPimpernel · Jul 18, 2024, 12:30 AM

Another hurt. I've lost count. This one was like you hit the bullseye, right exactly on the pain and grief. And it was you who brought it up, not me!!! Can you please stop hurting me? I'm so emotionally exhausted.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 18, 2024, 04:57 AM

Great move starting today's session by talking about your technical difficulties.

You know I'm scared of that ****ing things up when we move online.

Mountaindewed · Jul 18, 2024, 02:15 PM

Was it rude of me not to email you and say everything went fine on Monday and I did ok with the anethesia and I don't have any depression from it?

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 18, 2024, 04:30 PM

I don't want to be frustrated with you.
I want to feel like I can trust you to 'hold' me when I can't hold myself.

The timing of all this couldn't be worse.

Understanding is neither a release nor a relief.

I'm trying out a new grief group on Sunday, and then I have the helpline call on Monday.

Just because I'm good at carrying things on my own, to paraphrase, that doesn't mean they're not heavy.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 19, 2024, 03:03 PM

Dear T,

I've just felt sad since our session. I don't know why. I have a few ideas, from stuff that was discussed (or not discussed in session). Though maybe it's just that I miss you. And want things to just get back to normal again, but know it will likely be at least a couple weeks. I feel like maybe if I don't go to the beach next week, it will feel more normal this week, but then maybe not? Just wish I could go the week of the move...

I suppose maybe I wanted you to react in some positive way to my saying "I trust you," just something like, "I'm glad to hear that. But maybe I was looking for too much. There's other stuff it could have been, too, or maybe a mix of all several things. Also, I think I need to tell you that for future reference, if I'm really emotional and unsure what to say/talk about, work is pretty much never the way to go. My writing? Sure. But not work.

Oh, and safe travels. Of course, I forgot to say that.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 19, 2024, 04:03 PM

I've written you a letter that I intend to burn in the morning.
So much of my emotional safety (a major need at the moment, whilst I'm exploring the depths of this loss) comes from sharing physical space.

I don't know why you can't see that.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 19, 2024, 11:15 PM

Dear T,

Enjoyed the concert.

But I had this thought: Does your brain just self-erase stuff you seem to have learned? I just don't understand how I can have sessions where it's like, "Oh, you get it," or "Oh, you're accepting of this," then a week later, it's like you forgot it all. Maybe you were just in vacay mode today. I guess I'll see how it goes at next session. But it's just frustrating.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 20, 2024, 05:33 AM

It's important to me that our next session doesn't have that 'end of year' heaviness to it.

I'm struggling with the fact that you've opted out of the conversation I need to have through going online over the summer.

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