Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

So sorry, Scarlet.

I wish I felt comfortable with those four letter words.
They would be very helpful in this season of life.

A year ago tomorrow was our last session and I am finally on the other side of the missing you, the longing, the - well, bullsh!t. I even wrote a poem about it this evening. Ha. Take that! I wasn't sure that I would ever get here. Pretty soon I won't even think of you at all.

Rebel yell.

Hi R,

I'm still blown away by your observation in Thursday's session.

'The more you feel, the less you say.'

I don't want to keep it all in...but that seems to be safer on some level.

Really looking forward to debriefing the aftermath of Saturday with you.

I felt it keenly, even though I wasn't there.

Hey L. So today is one year exactly, since last we met. I am happy again – and though the
letting go was long and painful, I thank you for giving me the key that unlocked those chains of misplaced attachment that I had myself bound up in.

Funny how a key like that can be found in one tiny little word you said - in this case, that word was "bullsh!t" - one tiny, little, but extremely impactful, word.

Dear T,

How do I find the hope right now?

Love,
LT

Dear Ex T,

I watched a film just now and it brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings for me. I wonder what it would bring up for you if you watched it. She thought she was being kind, doing the right thing, but sometimes, the 'right' thing is totally the wrong thing. Going against her heart and following her head. Just like I believe you are doing. I know I'll never know for sure, but I feel it in my heart. 'He was just a boy. Just a boy. What a waste.'

Dear T,

I'm bothered by a couple things you said near the end today. I'm torn on whether to email you about them, wait till Friday, or just let it be, thinking that we can't agree on everything politically. But I'm not sure these are necessarily "political" things? And the more I think about one particular thing you said, the more it bothers me. And it didn't fully register until I told my friend about it. Maybe I need to say something. I just hope you can be non-defensive in your reply.

Love,
LT

Dear Ex T,

I said I would never know for sure, but I do. I re-read your message and you said exactly that. Your heart says one thing and your head another. I wish you could see that it's ok to follow your heart here.

Hi R,

So, basically...what I'm saying is 'I need this not to have happened.'

I think we both know that?

Sitting in the aftermath of the understanding is one thing, but sitting in the emotional 'grief space' is another.

I need to know that I am strong enough, and that you can meet me in that space.

Steve was never meant to be a footnote.

Dear T,

I realized after typing a draft that emailing you about this isn't a good idea. I think it's more of a conversation, though I also don't want it to take up the whole session. I think there's something else that can be discussed related to this as well, stemming from the discussion with my friend, that isn't about you. (Of course, we'll also have to see what's happening in the country and with D before that, as those could be higher priorities.)

Love,
LT

i hope me telling youwhat i went through in childhood and teen years doesnt amke yout hink im some fragile woman. i had never shared that with you and just wanted to understand what happened bc it confusing. imnot fragile. ive overcome a lot

I haven't heard about needing the flu shot because of bird flu until you told me. Not like I'll get the flu shot. It makes me feel wonky mental health wise.

Why do you see me twice a week? Don't you realize I'm wasting someone else's air? I'm a waste of space.

Dear T,

I appreciate your being so open to discuss the political stuff from last session and for explaining more what you meant. I appreciate even more your seeming protective of me regarding H, like you were trying to take care of me. Instead of acting like I was overreacting. I'm unsure about contacting K about it. I fear that will make him feel attacked? But I will journal about the things you suggested, if nothing else. And maybe try to talk to H about some of it.


Love,
LT

We have done a self-care plan every session for how many months now? And you think skipping the self care part of the plan was okay?

And how are we supposed to deal with problems like this when you’re gone? Wait for one text every couple of days?

You might not be trying to hurt me, but you’re not doing a very good job trying to avoid it either. 2 weeks left and you’re still hurting me

This part of the work is amazing and horrifying. Dreadful that I would give you a microdose of the experience; expansive that someone else feels what happened.

Today I realized yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of ending things with my transference T. And I didn't think of her at all.

Dear T,

I guess I kinda talked to H about the yelling stuff, but it wasn't in the best environment and seemed rather surface-y. Not sure how seriously he took it. I did journal a bit earlier today--maybe I can share it with you Monday?

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I think I have a clue as to where the sense of shock comes from, and why it's 'still' here.
I've been marinating in podcasts with Liz Gilbert.

The latest one began with the hosts talking about Liz as a friend they'd never met.
Liz said that she has many mentors that she has never met.

The words mentor and suicide don't belong in the same universe.

Hospital appointment on Wednesday - hoping the debrief won't take the whole session.

Love,

Lost

There's a bunch of Big Deal stuff happening in my life. When I got some news today, almost the first thing I thought was that I wish I could tell you. I like the new therapist just fine, but she isn't you. And maybe someday I won't need to talk about you as much. I miss you.

Ahhhh I wish I had more things to say about it and hope you aren’t disappointed. You are obviously one of my favourite people.

I was looking through the therapists directory for my friend and saw your profile. I felt guilty when I saw your fee for a session. I know we have an agreement but it would just be so great to be able to pay you what it costs. I wish I had a better job.

Dear T,

I wanted to add on to the email about dates that I'm not bothered if you can't do them. I didn't want to sound rude though, but I am really just not bothered. I couldn't care less at the moment. If you emailed to say you weren't returning to work I think I would secretly be pretty pleased to be honest. The only thing that is keeping me tied in is the colossal amount of money I have already spent on this. Part of me is telling me that it would be wasted if I gave up now, but the other part is saying that I am just throwing good money after bad. That part is currently winning. I don't think I am ever going to 'get better' as you have put it. All those times I have felt hope, I was just kidding myself.

I do not want to continue doing this, and yet I know I will.... why?