Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,

Wish I could talk to you right now. Stuff with D from school today (just found out when she got home, so not like it would have mattered if I'd met with you today instead of yesterday). I don't want to email you really. Though will see how I feel as the weekend goes on.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I'm struggling at the moment, and these are the circumstances where I would ask you to help...

I would never bring a session forward, but knowing that I can't ask because I'm working tomorrow is messing with me.

I can't explain what's happened over email or text, because that doesn't convey the measure of this.

Talking to H this afternoon, so hopefully she'll be able to offer something that makes some sense.

Roll on Thursday.

Lost

it’s too much, T. i probably should have called the crisis line, but what’s the point?

Hi R,

Thank you for responding to my email.
I hope I didn't alarm you, but it's too much to explain the rollercoaster I've been on these past few days.

Two more sleeps until we can talk about it.

Love,

Lost

Hey L. I find that I still want to share things with you, like today, the poetry anthology I have a handful of poems published in, is available for pre-order on amazon. So exciting! But after the mess I feel like I caused with my late-November email, I don't dare email you again. So, I'm telling you here.

My T and I were emailing each other on Monday and yesterday morning and then I got a call from the receptionist an hour after our email saying she needed to move my appointment to Friday because of an emergency. Kinda weird, but whatever.

Dear T,

Did you move the Fish and its companion tray of sea glass? I swear a couple weeks ago, I looked for it, but couldn't see it and assumed it was on a lower shelf behind the chair where I sit, completely obscured from view. (Like maybe it had been visible when you first set up the office, but the chair gradually moved in front of it).

But today, I noticed the Fish display on the shelf above the chair, in view (well, not by me when I'm sitting there, of course, but something I could see when I walk in). Had it been there all along, and I'd somehow missed it recently? Or did you opt to move it? Not going to ask, but glad it's not hidden.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I'm grateful that we are meeting in the morning.
Please reassure me that you can keep our 'page', even though I need to bring something new to the table.

How many layers of guilt can one person wear?

Speak soon,

Lost

Is there a term for not caring enough in therapy? She had to move our appointment and I was totally ok with it. I know some clients would have full blown meltdowns. I just want her to know I'm easy going and flexiable. Not that I don't care about therapy.

Dear T, I wish I could have another session this week. I am troubled with how you told me it's hard for me to be able to process trauma with what's going on in my life currently. I know you are not going to leave me. That's what I'm hearing. As for EMDR im not saying no but I can't afford to see two therapist at once. I felt like todays session was productive but very rushed. Thank you for allowing in-between contact that has been helpful for me.

Dear T,

That was an important question you asked today. Some of what came out of that seems like a central point we need to address. Well, we probably need to address multiple layers, perhaps moving from the center outward. Wish you weren't going away the first week of Feb.. But this actually might be a good thread to take up with R, too, as it ties into childhood messages.

Thank you for validating and supporting me.... And for helping me to find my own voice.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Ugh, why do these things with D have to happen on Friday evenings? I wish I could talk to you about this thing she did, which is also triggering my OCD a bit. I don't want to email. I'm hoping it was just a one-off and not something she'll decide to do again. I'm just glad I wasn't the one who discovered it....

Love,
LT

I see my pdoc tommorow and I hope he knows I'm doing well and I'm not relying on my therapist. I know it sounds kinda dissmisve, but my new diet and working out is helping my mental health a lot more then talking to someone for 50 minutes.

Hi R,

Hearing you describe Steve's death as a wound struck a chord with me.

Dear ex T, it's been a long long long time since I wrote to you on here but I'm not sure where else to go with this. I have been so grateful that we stayed in touch, and also hopeful that it might one day develop naturally into something a little more than it is right now, but I think I lost a lot of that hope last year, which is sad. Especially when you said that you would love to meet up again, but instead decided to follow the advice of your supervisor and decline.

When I gave you the book for Christmas I don't think I truly understood it's meaning for me. It was just a beautiful story that had huge relevance, though I think I've only recently realised the depth of that relevance. I think it might have been a way of me saying goodbye to you.

As much as I don't want that, I also don't want to be the only one who initiates contact. I don't want just one message exchanges. I don't want to continue this knowing that it will probably never be more than that.

I feel weird saying that because part of me is so grateful for what we do have. Part of me feels so loved simply because I know this was always difficult morally for you and yet we have made it work anyway. Part of me wants to take whatever is on offer here..

But the story makes much more sense if I read it with letting you go in mind. My time now. My time to care for a new life and find my own way, without you.

I don't know. I miss you so much and still think of you almost every day, but I think that is normal given the work we did and relationship that we had.

Anyway, that's all I think. Time will tell, as is so often the case......

I've had two sessions with the New T you referred me to. I think she's pretty good. It's early days yet, but I have hope.

I know you said that if if circumstances were to change and etc etc etc I could come back to you any time. But I honestly don't think I could. I feel too betrayed.

I found out today my transference T is still fully remote. Wtf.

One more sleep, and so much to talk about.

Hi R,

Thank you so much for your willingness to keep up with me as I move through this experience.

Your understanding of what it would take for me to be sure about any arrangements was particularly helpful to me today.

Not knowing is the hardest thing.

Take care,

Lost

Dear T,

I mean, I'll tell you this first part tomorrow, but *of course*, H has "cooled considerably" on parenting T K now. And seems reluctant to meet with her again soon, despite more issues with D in school today.

The part I won't say in session: I really wish you weren't going away next week. I feel like we're in a place where I'm talking about lots of important stuff, related to H in particular, like I'm sharing stuff I hadn't realized I was holding back until it all came pouring out in session. I worry your being away might sort of shut off that valve for me. I suppose I could talk about some of it with R? But I've really appreciated the support from you, a male, with a wife and a child, in validating me here. It might not feel the same coming from R.

And, OK, the plane crash last night is freaking me out. I have no idea if your time off involves air travel. But what if ATCs quit en masse in protest, or at least in response to the "resign by Feb. 6 and get paid till September" thing? Would your flight be safe? I mean, you won't even tell me if you'll be on a flight at all, I'm sure (though maybe you'd possibly tell me if you weren't flying? Or maybe you could at least say if that particular airport is involved?) And I'm also triggered by all the stuff that was said regarding disabled people due to D (well, and I have a psychiatric disability, too). I will talk about this last part.

This will be a lovely birthday session for me tomorrow...Glad I'm seeing you though.

Love,
LT

Dear T, Thank you for keeping most of the sessions lighter this week. It really helps me to not get overwhelmed and feels like I can start to trust you.

Hi R,

Well, I contacted my former boss and asked for the info I needed.
Next step - using it.

Fear: What if I've got the wrong end of the stick?

It's perfectly possible that the colleague was just the conduit for the information, and didn't know him.

If she did then I have to be especially sensitive.

Dear T,

Thank you for all you said at the end of session today. I felt loved by you, even though I imagine you'd never use that word. I hope your manifesting about no more stress for me will have an effect. I hope even more that you will be safe in your travels. And I appreciate your saying, without my asking, that it's fine to email, even though I intend not to. It just felt like you were there in it with me, the depths, the pain.

Love you,
LT

Well I have no idea how I’m meant to talk about this or should I even bring it up 🤢🤢🤢

hey L. y'know the thought keeps sneaking back into my head that I owe you an explanation. You've forgotten all about it by now I'm sure, almost a year later, but it's still kinda present for me. I dunno. Maybe I'll write it. I don't know.