Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

When I was a complete idiot, and believed your second twitter account was talking to me personally, I felt a strong connection to you. It made me happy. When you took it away and started posting personal details and information on your therapist account, it made me feel stupid. Like any of your clients and non clients could now have access to all this info, whether they deserved to or not. I feel like I could depend on the old account, to come with me everywhere I went and it gave me strength. Yes I know how tragic that sounds, but I guess I really am starved of real connections from my family. I know you can’t be my family. I just miss the consistency of it all, even if I was completely wrong about the meaning behind every thing.

i am sorry for that EUI*. I know I made a mistake.

(*Email Under the Influence)

Thank you for getting back to me this morning. I hope you know that I don't expect a reply on the weekends. I was done the worksheet and decided to send it to you.

Of course there was a deeper meaning. And of course I lied about there not being one. Cuz I'm a big fat stupid liar, who wants to talk to you about why she quit. Because I lied about that, too. Well, technically, it was a lie of omission. I told you part of the reason, but not the whole reason. I don't know if it would help or hurt at this point to try to talk about it with you? omg I wish I'd never sent that email. I'm such an idiot!!! I have never learned how to not poke a hibernating bear.

SO what do I do today? Poke that bear some more, by calling you and leaving an apology on your voicemail. I hope it comes across as sincere as I meant it to be.

Hi R,

Trying to have patience with the complexity of All This at this time of year particularly sucks.

The new layer of having to think about how this tribute would be received burns.

The festive season makes it difficult to access so much of my support too...that feels especially unfair.

See you tomorrow,

Lost

Don't worry, I'm going to leave it alone now. I did the right thing and apologized for the stupid email, I feel good about my apology, and I understand that there's nothing more I can do. If you can't be a big enough person to accept my apology, well then that's about you. Not me.

I hope you switch to telehealth tommorow. But you probably won't since you had 2 days off last week.

alliwantedwasforyoutolovemeitriedsohardtomakeyoulovemeiampatheticbutnowiknowwhatyouareandihateyou

Dear T,

Thank you for allowing space for all the parts of me. I wonder if it is as confusing for you as it is for me. It's so difficult, but I really think that me being able to voice those parts is so important. Halfway through writing a sentence today, the 'f*** off, I don't want to tell you voice' came strong and I am so grateful that the Teenage part is able to use her voice now. Even if that's all that is said most of the time!! The battle between the parts is real, and violent sometimes, but at least it's not a secret battle anymore. I think I need to take care of Teenage One this week. I know that part really really really didn't want me to share what I share today, but I do believe that it is what's best in the long run. I hope I'm right!

Hi R,

Thank you for your presence and gentle encouragement today.
If there was ever a time when I needed to feel as though you're in it alongside me, it's now.

When the old rituals disappear, and it's not obvious what's going to fill the space...of course it's hard.

I don't want to do something that I would question or regret in the aftermath.

How do you celebrate someone's birthday when they erased themselves from the planet so completely?

I guess that's what I have to figure out.

Therapy can (and should...) be a container for my grief process.

Facing the ****ing enormity of it is another matter, and should not be confined to the one day.

I hold the hope that a path can emerge.

In gratitude,

Lost

Sorry that I got sick in your garbage can again. But my old T was in the waiting room and it was super awkward and my jacket was strangling me. Thanks for being so cool about it again.

Dear T,

Guess I jinxed things by saying Wednesday that I felt more secure with you... There are like 5 different things from today that are bothering me. Wish you were available Sunday, but sounds like you're not able to see clients at all that day. I appreciate your saying it's fine to send an email, but it's a Friday night and you're not working Saturday (as is normal) or Sunday (not typical), and I feel like it would be complicated to explain it all. And now I just heard from D's teacher about a very rough day at school, too... I suppose I'll try typing something up and see if I can condense it into something coherent, brief, and with a clear path to responding. I won't send anything unless I know what to express to you. Chances are decent that I won't send anything at all.

I also wish I hadn't sent something 10 days ago, though that was solely about concerns with D and I think was warranted (I imagine you'd agree). But it now means that if I send this, if I send you anything else within the next couple weeks, you might charge me. And you'll be away for over a week during the holidays, which is a stressful time. Though I shouldn't bother you then anyway...

I guess I'll just type and see what comes out, then decide.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I am thankful you are available during the holidays. It's another tough one for me. My husband is not doing well. It's difficult dealing with my Dad and step Mom. It was very helpful to get things off my chest yesterday about my Dad and Step Mom. In a way you are right I may have to cut ties with them. Thank you for your support.

Well,

I have an idea, and I'm incredibly self-conscious about it.
'Nothing bad is going to happen.'

I wouldn't have thought that honouring Steve on his birthday would include a ceramic piggy bank, Sharpie markers and a hammer...but it's appealing.

Thing is, if we go outside to do this, as I think we would have to...there's a chance of being seen, and not in the sense that you do so well.

I have to find a way to honour the complexity of this.

Dear T,

Your reply this morning made me tear up. I don't think you've ever apologized that much in an email (or at least for so many different things)--and real apologies, too. Your explanations helped me feel better about things. I was very on the fence about whether to email, but I'm glad I did.

And I like your use of "Tangerine Terror."

Love,
LT

Dear T,

And now D took some scissors to the basement and damaged her trampoline beyond repair. H is upset, she's upset, I'm a bit upset. Guess now we need to hide or lock up the scissors... Wish I could talk to you, that you were available tomorrow, but of course I can't email again. We may have a lot to discuss Monday...

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I've scheduled an email for tomorrow morning outlining the idea and my fears around it.

This is the ultimate expression of asking for what I need, and yet the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it sounds.

Since when has any tribute involved a hammer?

Lost

I was joking with my mom today that my pdoc was going to chop off my butt and hang it over his mantle if I didn't make progress in the next few weeks. Its a SpongeBob reference. I do feel like nothing will really please the man though.

Well, I checked it out today, and it turns out that my thoughts and feelings are too big for the ceramic pig 'canvas'.

The only option would be to layer them, and I don't have enough permanent marker experience to know whether that's feasible.

Add another layer of work stuff that I really don't need to figure out right now but the Critic is pretty insistent...

I'm teetering.

Dear T, my lunch with Dad and Step Mom was stressful today. They seem to think what I'm going through with my husbands health is no big deal. They where in a rush with other things so we had to go to a fast food place and we ate in the car. I felt like I was not important to them. I was so anxious this morning. I have a phone session with you on Friday.

That was funny when we were talking about the show Hey Arnold and I said that "I always thought Helgas mom was just tired and I didn't realize she was an alcoholic" and then you choked on your water a bit from laughing.

Excrement.

40mph winds now forecast.
Rain is one thing...flying ceramic is quite another.

Always important to have a plan B.

You have an email for now, and I'm going to spend today thinking.

Lost

Dear T, I'm very sorry for canceling today. My husband has had a bad week with his health and the timing of me being able to talk did not work out. Also my anxiety gets very high when this happens. I will try to work through my anxiety next time.

Hi R,

It's quite something to have acknowledged all of the anger, and not know where to put it.

My contact at the helpline asked me whether I'm worried about my anger harming Steve when we spoke yesterday.

When the feeling is present, I'm more worried about the impact that it has on me.

It's easier to repair a relationship when both parties are still alive.

Watching Eat, Pray, Love the other day, Liz was talking to her friend Richard from Texas about the end of her relationship with her husband.

'I miss him.'

'So, miss him! Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then move on.'

My woundedness makes continued connection with Steve feel impossible...and it is therefore hard to figure out how to honour him on his birthday...whilst also honouring my experience.

Running out of time, anxiety building...

Lost