Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,

Please be safe if you have to drive somewhere this morning with the freezing rain. Wish I knew more about your actual travel plans (like, maybe you're not even going anywhere until Thursday, say), but I was respecting your usual wishes to not share. Not like you'd have told me anything if I pushed for it anyway, and it would have just led to some negative feelings on both sides, I imagine. See, I'm learning! It's also why I asked that one thing early in session instead of at the end.

Love,
LT

I’ve been thinking about our final session almost constantly, reliving every moment. Have you thought about me at all?

Hi R,

It's Christmas Eve.
I went to town, and didn't go to the cathedral.
I did light a candle though.

In the year ahead, I hope that new opportunities may emerge to honour Steve in the world.

The internal conflict was just too much this year.

I could have done it, but I couldn't do it.

I've never known finding peace to be a wrestling match.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

I'll be taking the next couple of weeks one day at a time.

Lost

I will definitely be missing sending you my yearly Christmas greeting tomorrow, and the warm responses you used to send back.

Stupid fake mother ****ing ******** convoluted it's-a-big-fat-lie "relationship".

...and yet, I want to see you so badly.

You’re right; it’s true. We did years and years of work and accomplished a lot AND there were some areas where I felt stuck. And yes, maybe seeing someone new will help me get unstuck. AND I don’t feel ready to see someone new! I still want to see you! And I’m going to have to spend a lot of time with this new person processing the loss of you! I would not have chosen this if not for your choice to no longer be in-network with my insurance. Part of me still can’t believe you did this to me. The goodness of our good ending is diminished by how distraught I am by this loss.

You seemed nervous when you began telling me you would be out of state for a couple weeks. I just was curious and asked if you were going to a particular tourist destination. I wonder if some of your other clients gave you a hard time. Your tone almost changed to this like relief when you found out I didn't care.

To be honest, I'll be glad for a 2 week break and I have a dentist appointment next month that might be expensive.

Merry Christmas, L.

Dear T, Merry Christmas. I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas. Miss you.

Hi R,

You've heard me talk about my capacity more than most.
I think this is the year where I get intentional about doing the work (as always) and also taking the time to rest.

Integration...I haven't given myself a chance to integrate this stuff.
Primarily because there's always more stuff.

Now I've reached a point where there theoretically can't be any new information, I can take the time to process my knowledge and figure out how to move the feelings.

Please help me stay in the feeling space when I get scared?

I think you know enough about me now to know when that's happening.

See you the week after next.

Love,

Lost

The song First Day Of My Life kinda reminds me of you.

Dear T,

I hope you're having a good vacation.

Christmas Eve and Christmas actually went quite well, all things considered. Things are going less well here today.

I miss you. Wish I was seeing you tomorrow instead of E, but hoping she'll be helpful in some way..

Love,
LT

Dear T,

E went OK. She did have one particularly good insight regarding my mom that I want to talk about with you. She also said it seems I'm progressing well in my therapy with you, so that felt good, though I was sort of embarrassed to say how long I'd been seeing you and the current frequency. We mostly talked about stuff regarding D and my mom though.

I guess I'm halfway through your break now. I'm intending to avoid emailing you (though at least I'm past the actual holidays, I guess). Tuesday still seems far away though.

Hope you're alive and enjoying your time off.


Love,
LT

Hi R,

I picked up the David Kessler workbook again today.
I don't think we've spoken about him, but I'd like to think you're aware enough to know who he is.

The page I worked on (and it is work...) asked for the whole story.

Then he asked which parts people have witnessed...

I can furball the facts, but G-d help me, I can't approach the feelings.

How did I get so scared?
How did I lose so much when Steve died?

It feels like a long time between now and our next session.

I don't even have a check in with H until mid-January, and I actually see you first.

It's a process....it's a process....it's a process...

When am I going to hear from your office, my dude?

Dear T, Todays session was helpful. I know it's going to be hard for me to feel my feelings' I am glad you reminded me that it wont happen over night.

We almost bought a new car tonight. The dealership is right by your office, and the salesperson directed me onto a specific route for the test drive that went past by your office. I instinctively wanted to pull into the parking lot. It felt funny to just keep going. The salesperson asked if I knew where I was or if I needed him to direct me back to the dealership. “I know exactly where I am,” I told him.

Hi R,

Two months ago today we were talking about surrendering to the feelings I have regarding Steve's death.

It's a recurring theme, and tonight RC helped me understand how my early experiences might play into my beliefs regarding self-elimination.

Holy cow, that was something...and I'm looking forward to discussing it with you.

Ten more sleeps, I think.

Lost

Sorry about that loopy email and if the picture of the anorexic dude was too much. I think I need to see my primary doctor for this weird stomach pain.

I heard from the office today about transferring to the new therapist. Did you make sure they called me? I think you did. Thank you for that. I won't be able to schedule with her until next week because she's still out for the holidays and won't be back in the office until Monday and she has to officially approve the transfer or whatever. You promised me that she had a spot for me, so I'm assuming that the approval is pro forma. More waiting, then, I guess. Trying to hang on. This all really sucks and it is entirely one hundred percent your fault.

Hi R,

Happy New Year for when it rolls around.
I'm looking forward to seeing you next week, so that we can begin this phase of our conversation.

Take care,

Lost

Dear RC,

Thank you for the care and compassion you show me.
My hope is that you will bear with me during this new phase of my grief work.

For me, this is a major revelation.
I am well aware that I get in my way, but not to such an extent.

Explaining the what and the how to anyone else feels weird, but you were there.

See you Sunday,

Lost

T,
You can't make me feel safe. Everywhere is dangerous. I'm not even safe alone. I will be my own downfall. The safest place and the most dangerous places is the same to me because I'm there. I know the thoughts people can have. How dangerous people can be because I was that person. I've lived around those people. They're in safe places, they hide among others. The bad knee thing is real. No place is safe but I can't tell you this.

Hoping that you are safe from the wild weather at the moment.
Obviously I don't know which part of that area you come from, but I hope you're home safe with your family, far from the flood warnings.

happy new year