Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

What do you think of looking after children? Is it harder than you thought? I don’t even know if you are still doing the whole fostering thing. Not sure if I’m allowed to ask about it.

Obviously I wouldn’t change anything, but I can’t believe how much I’ve aged since I had my son. I guess it would be a lot different if I just had him for the weekend though.

I know its probably best to see you before all the other stuff this week. But I kinda wish something on Thursday or Friday was tommorow instead of seeing you.

You are a twit! Way to go on making me feel like it's my fault you went too fast. I told you it made me feel sad, and you immediately asked me if it made me feel frustrated too. The fact that I had to ask why should have given you a sign that I was pausing on sadness. But I went with you, and quickly got lost in your questions. That's when I started dissociating. I need to get out of this funk. I want to get out of this funk. I just don't know how and you don't appear to be helping.

I didn't feel like having you say "I like your hoodie or hat" or something. So I just wore the plainest clothes I could find.

I regret it when I talk so openly about everything. It stings. I feel stupid.

Thinking I must have told you before, even though I thought I had only just remembered. You weren’t surprised or angry for me, it was a bit unsettling how normal you thought it all was. I must be a real fk up for it to seem normal to you.

Hi R,

Loads to talk about as usual.
It's particularly important to me that you understand we will meet on the first day of this year's April edition of Hell Week.

I am feeling an additional layer of anxiety due to the nudge to delete the social media pages.

I've 'reset the timer' so to speak, but it's got me thinking on a level that I never expected.

It's not a whole session conversation, though.

There's so much else we need to discuss.

See you soon,

Lost

I see you've already increased your rates after only two months of solo practice. Good for you, I guess. And with everything going on with me and spouse...had I continued seeing you and paid out of pocket, I would have had to terminate now. Whatever! I guess you'd rather get zero dollars from me than a subpar rate from my insurance. And, if I recall, YOU HAVE THE SAME INSURANCE as a patient! Ugh.

NOTHING is WORKING and I'm not calling .

Sorry if that email was too much for a Wednesday night.

It was kinda weird that you were eating a bowl of cottage cheese during our telehealth session.

Hi R,

We need to talk about your idea of giving me notice about planned breaks.
Telling me now about something that isn't happening until the end of May just gives me time to get worked up over it.

Now I'm wondering whether you'll be available on the 5th of June, but it feels too early for you to be certain.

In person support on that day feels particularly important.

Well, at least I have my opener for next week.

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear D
You want me to use the couch but I'm afraid you'd walk out and I wouldn't know it. I know you really wouldn't but I'd feel too exposed to be on the couch . I told you I feel like I leave pieces of my brain l your floor when the session ends. I want to hide under your couch ; I feel so safe with you.

I forgot to say, I don't agree with you that PTSD is the main issue. It can't be cause I was born f *cked up. That's why they hated me. So where did the other diagnoses go?
I wish I didn't feel so shattered when our session is over.

Also I'm not sure how I felt about you wearing a Taylor Swift sweatshirt. Part of me is glad to see that your so loose. But the other part is like thats a bit unprofessional.

Hey L. Been a bit since I wrote to you here. My mom's back in the hospital again, a recurrence of the c-diff she was in there with a month ago, my sister said she's very weak and miserable. I feel so helpless being so far away. I told sis I'd come to help out, but she said it would just make our mom worry more with 2 of us there because c-diff is so highly contagious. So I'm staying put for now, but scared and worried that she's not going to make it. We've had such a complicated relationship, but damn. Just the thought of her passing away, leaves me feeling adrift, unanchored, even though she wasn't the mommy I needed when I was little. Another link lost. You know? I told you a long time ago that I predicted you're who I'm gonna want to talk to when she does pass, and I feel like that is still the case. So don't be surprised if I do.

But maybe she'll surprise all of us and pull through - what's so scary, is how weak she still is from the first infection a month ago, being too weak to fight it off with the help of strong antibiotics. Still, even if she pulls through this, nobody lives forever.

I had this dream about wanting to go work again with my transference T. And I was thinkihg "If things are still this intense 4 years later maybe I should? Go back to seeing her. Then I woke up and I realized I didn't feel that way and I checked my email to make sure I didn't send any weird messages to anyone.

Dear T,

I'm not even sure you could have imagined the lame reason my mom gave for me not going to their beach place this weekend. Especially as it's something that I could pretty easily take care of by staying slightly later in the morning. Which I think suggests she either lacks a good reason or, more likely, it's something she doesn't want to tell me for whatever reason. I tried questioning her, but was left with "Well, then we'd have to put the sheets back on the bed, which is another thing to do." I...can do that. If that's all she's willing to offer up, then...

Is it bad that part of me wants to push to go (even if I'm a bit ambivalent on the timing/weather), to see if she has a real reason? "I'd kind of prefer you not" with no explanation other than the sheets--and adding that they'll likely be down there much of next month at unpredictable times due to the flooring thing. And the only time they won't be down there later this month is right before my anniversary with H, so I'd feel wrong going then...

Sort of wish I'd talked to her before our session now. As I imagine Wed will be discussing what H and I talk about with K. Though I'm sure I could make time for this, too.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, I feel a bit weird about the tissue and fan discussions, but I think mainly because I was being a bit conflict-avoidant about them and so wasn't really expressing what I felt because it seemed so ridiculous and needy. Yeah, this is why I struggle with reducing sessions. I feel I have enough content for a session tomorrow plus the one Wed. (the stuff about my mom, mainly, not just the tissues and fan, of course).

Love,
LT

I hate feeling like I've gone backwards. I hate it. I've worked so hard for so long that it doesn't seem fair that it is still excruciatingly difficult to talk about these things. I meant what I said... I DO hate talking about them with you, but then I hate being trapped by them even more. I need and want to be able to talk about them with other people and so I guess I must practice with you, first.

Dear T,

I really appreciate the support today. (And the much-needed laugh at one point.) Also that you'll let me know first if someone wants my originally scheduled session time tomorrow, in case I want it back. Assuming things don't go sideways with K tomorrow morning (or something else goes sideways in the next, uh, 21 hours--cue wood knocking), I think I'm OK just seeing you Friday.

Love,
LT

L, I’m trying so hard to be good. Three to four weeks, and no misunderstandings. But I’m really struggling. It’s actually mentally, I’m getting worse and worse. I can’t recall/memorize things. I’m forgetting words or where I’m at in a conversation. And it happens in my writing too. I just want you here. I know you’re allowing me a lot in your leave. But I need you. I’m really worried about my symptoms and if they are reversible.

Do you have someone in my old time slot? Do they pay your full rate? Do they have better insurance? How many people have you turned away because they have my same insurance and can’t afford to pay out of pocket? The same insurance you reject is the same insurance you subscribe to as a member. You told me this. So it’s okay for you to use your insurance to pay for your health care but you draw the line at people using it to pay you. FINE. BE THAT WAY.

Do you care if I haven't showered in 2 days? I'll use dude wipes and wear clean clothes and deodarent.

Yeah I haven't eaten in awhile. Which annoys you off but I know you know I'm going through stuff. I've dreamt a lot about my transference therapist. Its been annoying because I thought I was over her for awhile. Idk whats been up lately. I have vaugely mentioned her to you but I haven't gone into any details.