Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

... except she isn't holding the frame. She isn't working safely or ethically.

I see how what I did was indirect and ineffective. I understand that it also comes across as manipulative, though that is not at all what I was doing. I didn’t directly ask for a call, so I didn’t expect a call. Those are the rules/frame/agreements/routines/rituals/etc. She chose to call. She broke our frame. I did not force her. She can put the blame on me, but in the end, she’s responsible for her actions.

I know I communicated extremely poorly. I have owned that since the beginning. With her, with myself, and on here. But I never meant to be threatening. And it hurts that she would associate that word with me in anyway. And she still thinks the word applies!

Hugs, Scarlet. It does sound like maybe she's blaming you for *her* decision to break the frame. Rather than taking ownership of it. It seems like she's very inconsistent in her boundaries in general, which is not your fault

Well of all the words I'd use for that, 'threatening' is ... not even on the list. Dunno why she felt threatened, but pretty sure it's about her issue rather than yours. I mean, yes, as you say, it's not a good way to communicate (but then I'm sure you slipped into it for a reason, and it seems reasonable to expect her to take it in stride).

The sca for T got denied. Now we must appeal. T was kind of dumb… She didn’t include on the request that I suffer from SI, that she’d only be working with me for 3-4 months, no men, and she was my therapist for 4 years. The people who I talked to at my insurance were upset and said if she would have said those things, it probably would have been approved.

They have a form now where the provider can help me appeal. I’m going to fill out two separate ones, one for T and one for L, so maybe they both can fight with me. Then I need to work on my letter.

I just did a google search. The new therapist is 468 miles away from me, only treats mild to moderate depression and anxiety, and the website doesn’t list BPD as something they treat. Thanks insurance.

I’m not ready for her leave! I’m scared of the pain I’m going to suffer. She says it will be like the first half of her last leave. I still am not sure what that actually means. My dog almost died. We were texting constantly. That was an emergency. How does that even translate into this leave?

She told me she’s not seeing most her clients into March. 1. She isn’t supposed to mention her clients. And 2. Am I supposed to do something or feel something? Forcing me to be grateful? It just didn’t sit right with me.

I’m suffering so much. So many emotions. The whole array. 8 more sessions.

Hugs, Scarlet... I'd be bothered by her saying that about other clients, too.

My ex-T said stuff like that a couple times, (like, "I spend lots of time reading your emails"). She had told me it was fine to send them, so don't act like a martyr for reading them... And Dr. T has said a few similar things in the past, too. Are we supposed to bow down to them, kiss their feet, and say "thank you so much, you make so many sacrifices for me"? They choose to do this as part of their job. If they don't want to do certain things, they just could choose not to.

L is choosing to do this for you. She shouldn't be expecting you to show all this gratitude. And shouldn't be comparing you to other clients (or mention them at all, especially if you have some agreement about that).

I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now...

7 sessions left.

I asked L if I could have a session everyday in March until she leaves. I knew it was a long shot, but she’s always telling me to ask for what I want and need. I finally did, and it was a no. But her reasoning kind of pisses me off. Like if she said for insurance reasons she can’t or because she can’t come to the office every day or just in case she does go into labor early. Those were my possible no’s I was thinking of. Nope. None of those. Her reason was because she takes being my safety support seriously and plans her days so that she can be available if I needed her. Like, huh? How does spending an hour a day with me mess up your ability to be my safety support? It truly makes no sense to me. I almost want to tell her: “Fine. T will be my safety support in March. Now you can see me!”

Speaking of T, she has taken off from now to Tuesday/Wednesday. I needed her to write up something for the appeal asap. If she would have told me she’d be out for a week, I would have tried to move even faster with my letter. (She was waiting for my letter so she knows how to write her own). We only have 30 days for the appeal and they can decide at any time. This really upsets me.

I'm proud of you for asking, Scarlet.

It seems odd to me as well.

How frustrating that T is unavailable at this crucial point.

I'm proud of you for asking Scarlet. It seems odd how your t responded to your request and it's confusing. I would think she would be there more for you right now. Hugs

Hugs, Scarlet. Is it possible that T could work on the letter while she's away, or did she say she couldn't until she got back? I know Dr. T usually does a bit of work (answering emails) in the mornings on his vacations, so just wondering if she could do the same, especially with it being so time-sensitive. Though I'd understand if she couldn't. Many (most?) therapists have the boundary of not working on their vacation.

Would she possibly be willing to see you for a greatly reduced fee until a decision is made?And I'm not sure how it works--if they agree to the exception, could it possibly cover earlier sessions you'd had with her? Like if she was requesting the except for, say, March through June, and they don't make the decision until March 30 (and approve it), could it cover sessions you've already had?

In terms of L, it's good you asked, but I agree that her reasoning is confusing. I wonder if it's actually that she's only planning to work a couple days a week in March, as she mentioned how she's not seeing most clients then. Or maybe it's that she's concerned she'll go into labor early, and it will feel worse for you if you'd expected to see her every day? Or that it would be harder for you to go from seeing her daily to not seeing her for a few months? Just some thoughts, but it would have been better if she'd just been honest. Would she maybe allow a brief phone call or video call each day as a compromise possibly?

Note that I'm not trying to make excuses for her--just thinking of reasons that either are completely unrelated to you or that are about her being concerned about your feelings?

One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn in my therapy experience is 1) identifying something I need, 2) self-validating that need, 3) asking for what I need, and 4) being okay with not getting it. You did a brave thing by asking for what you needed. Your therapist’s unwillingness or inability to give it to you does not negate the validity of it. Sometimes our needs can’t be met by someone else and we have to just figure out a way to take care of ourselves. It’s painful. I really feel for you.

No, T said she won’t be able to even start the letter until next week. But L said they’ve been texting each other yesterday to be on the same page about their letters. So maybe she can do it real quick?

L’s compromise is that we share something together everyday in March… Like we both send a photo we like or a song we like. I agreed to it, but I think it’s stupid. We can do that any time. It does NOT meet the purpose of wanting sessions. Hmmm. I think I have to be open and honest about it because it really does upset me.

I did ask for a phone call in between every session until she leaves. She’s agreed to that. If she can do that plus sessions, why not 3 additional days? It’s not like it’s for forever.

And I understand you can’t always get your wants or needs met. But the reasoning and substitute are dumb. Like if it was an excuse I mentioned or an excuse LT mentioned, then I could understand. But this… This makes no sense to me.

Well, she admitted that she wouldn’t have the ability to be in office everyday and that she’s very busy in March. I kind of feel like she lied by omission.

She did allow me some extra time and an extra session. The last Tuesday is a 2 hour session. Friday is normal. And then Saturday is 1.5 hours. Then she’s on leave.

Hugs, Scarlet. I guess it's good she was honest with you, but I understand how it hurts that it felt she was dishonest before. Are those sessions you mention in March?

Yeah. Those are the last sessions in March.

L pushed me to say my real thoughts about her and her pregnancy. I won’t say it here because I don’t want to offend anyone. She told me she’s proud of me and feels closer to me. She said my thoughts and feelings are valid and normal given my situation. It didn’t really feel good to say my bad thoughts. Like there’s no release in tension, the problem isn’t fixed, etc. Nothing changed. Just now she knows my bad thoughts.

Like when my t got married AGAIN, and NOT to me, and i teased him about the marriage trip being in the grand canyon / death valley on a mule. Not exactly sure what MY real feelings were there, but geez i thought it was funny. Esp when they were actually in NYC. Somehow it all made sense to me. Therapy isnt supposed to make sense, right? You just DO it.

I don’t think they are ‘bad’ thoughts, just thoughts, and apparently she was glad to have heard them, due to you being honest and open about them.
Open and honest is a step in the right direction even if it doesn’t ‘feel’ particularly enjoyable.

Hugs, Scarlet. Maybe it doesn't feel better now, but you've gotten them out, and it seems L is accepting them. Maybe it will take a little time for it to feel OK?

6 sessions left and I’m not ready!!! I am so so sad, and “sad” is a huge understatement. It’s something 1,000 times greater.

I sent the faxes in tonight to appeal the denial of the single case agreement. L, T, and I each wrote our own letters. Fingers crossed. Otherwise I have to go to the state to appeal. That’s what I had to do last time and that I won.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

I really hope you win the single-case agreement so that you can see T and without needing to appeal to the state.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I really hope you win. Hugs

I was kind of dumb tonight. I have over a hundred emails from L in my inbox. So I decided to start putting them in their folder. But there are a few I wanted to keep in my inbox, so I was reading past emails. I read one from Sept 2023 when she was pregnant with her first. I asked her questions about her pregnancy and she answered in that email. Omg, did that hurt. It was like reading her gushing about how wonderful pregnancy is. I know I asked the questions and back then I was able to take that information in. But now, with this pregnancy, that email was painful. That coupled with her using the word “excited” to describe her pregnancy this time… Just so painful. I know she’s not, but it felt like she was rubbing it in my face. Like telling me how wonderful pregnancy and motherhood are. I shouldn’t be so sensitive. The email was 1.5 years ago. And still it hurts.