so i have this female friend that i have known for hmmm... maybe 12 yrs now. She's great and she'd do almost anything for me. i know i can count on her. i love her. But i give her only certain parts of me.. i dont feel like i can show her a lot of who i am, and i certainly cant talk to her about therapy, my therapist, transference... none of that. i know her well enough to know how she tends to view me and the world overall... i feel like she thinks she has me all pegged out and i know she only knows a small part of me... she doesn't see how she doesn't have life all figured out either... nobody does. It's funny in a sad way that a lot of people think they have me pegged out because they think i confide in them... which i do, to a degree.. but they seem to think i am sharing everything and its just for them.. and none of them are right about it.

i dont expect to know my friends every facett... why do others?

i did a dumbass thing... i mentioned to her in an email about my T, and how i was resentful that he was off enjoying his weekend... and what i got back was a request to know about this attachment i had.. and how it seemed more than doctor patient..

i never ever should have brought it up at all... but right now he is a HUGE part of my life.

It felt like it was a sort of accusatory question...

therapy right now is crucial to me. and this T? he's one in a million for sure.. i'm not the only one who says so.

i have been studying psych as a sort of passionate hobby for over 15 yrs... i spent a lot of time researching and deciding to do this. i took my time to understand transference issues, bonding, attachment... all of that, BEFORE i started.

i am not good with these sorts of scenarios... someone i care about has upset me and then what to do about it so that i handle my needs but not throw the baby out with the bath water.. i have no idea what to do or say now.

well... i suppose i do bc i responded.. i told her it was nothing, explained what i meant, in as little detail as worked... but.. i feel really hurt.

i dont think i took care of my needs at all.

i have no idea how i will make friends that will have common interests with me... ones who share broader horizons and experiences... not just this thing about the therapy stuff...

i just realize how alone i am i guess.

[Mouse_]

yes I found I was alone for a while because of what I was constantly having to do in therapy...but after a while I begun to enjoy just talking about general day to day things with others but wiht an added bonus of a kind of empathy for them and their struggles that they recieve no help for....some people do not realise that they deserve the very best for themselves and continue to struggle along in life...and for me using what I have been given the gift of empathy from my T I try and use that in the "outside" world...its really rewarding.

[Perna]

I went the opposite direction and generally told some of my struggles to my friends. They knew I went to T at work, I never hid that and occasionally I'd joke about it and occasionally they'd joke about it and occasionally they were insensitive about it (male boss my age) and occasionally I had really wonderful, deep conversations with the coworker I was closest to. I incorporated therapy into my life as much as possible and used it as much as possible in my real life situations as I could. I had several conversations too about therapy in general (did it work, did I think it would help them, etc.) and was a poster child of a sort :-)

One thing I found that worked with the dumb people was exaggeration and humor. If your friend were mine, MzJello, I would have told her a little of the fun posts we have here, how we've done torrid love affair posts and now are doing, "what kind of dog" and made her a little jealous and let her know I had more resources and friends and a deeper relationship than I possibly had time to tell her about? That would have taken care of her presumption and reminded me of the additional friendship and support I had here. We are just as real as she is. Combining and sharing makes larger and stronger, departmentalizing makes lonely, in my experience.

[MissCharlotte]

((Jello))

Has your friend ever had this type of therapeutic relationship? My guess is not; and if the answer is not then she probably doesn't understand. Damn, we barely understand and we are IN IT.

I think that we do have different relationships with people depending on shared experience.

I have a friend who has been my buddy for about 30 years and I love her dearly.

When we were both in our 30's we were in therapy with different therapists. She kept asking me if I thought about my therapist outside of session and I kept saying no. I had no idea what she was talking about. Every time I think of this now I laugh my butt off.

Transference, Schmansference. I just was never hooked on my last therapist, and I saw her for about 3 1/2 or 4 years!

Until now, I never knew what therapy could be or what attachment is.

Maybe you can still be friends but leave the therapy discussion out of it? Maybe you can still enjoy your shared experience, or maybe you need a break.

It sounds like you have an inner loneliness that I share. I also feel like people don't really know me. Maybe we can have that shared experience?

You aren't alone.

[chaotic13]

Jello,
I kind of agree with Misscharloette, maybe you friend really doesn't comprehend the complexity of a therapeutic relationship. She may have viewed your comments in the context of her experience with other medical professionals or men. Her confusion may have lead her to ask for more information not realizing how much you are struggling with these issues.

Since I started therapy I've made some progress connecting with friends. I would not have done this on my own. I had become very withdrawn and didn't want to be around anyone. Two of my friends picked up on my declining mental state and through personal experience recognized it. One night we finally got together for a long overdue visit to the local pub. I don't know if they planned it or not, but they both bought a few rounds and then started probing me for what was going on. Although I refused to open up, they shared a lot of their own stuff that night, and with the help of the alcohol they seeped into my brain a bit. The next day I took a leap of faith and text messaged one of them and started to communicate.

They are the only two I've mentioned therapy to. Their responses have been positive, probably because they both have been in therapy themselves. What I like most about my friends is that they both seem to get that when details are lacking--don't ask for them.

I guess with your friend Jello you have to decide if is she genuinely interested in getting to know you but just doesn't understand your situation . Or if she is just someone not to trust with this aspect of you. Is it worth the effort to help her understand or not?

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MzJelloFluff said:
i did a dumbass thing... i mentioned to her in an email about my T, and how i was resentful that he was off enjoying his weekend... and what i got back was a request to know about this attachment i had.. and how it seemed more than doctor patient..

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think people who have not been in therapy don't understand what it is like and the bond that forms with the therapist, so I am not surprised at her comments. I think she was just concerned. For me, I don't really talk to people about my therapy as they wouldn't understand, and it is way too complicated to have to explain to them about our relationship and closeness and bond and trust, etc. It doesn't mean I don't share other important parts of myself with those people, though.

I think working toward presenting oneself to others in a way that is consistent with one's true self can be a worthy goal. I need to do this better. The "how to do this" can be worked on in therapy. Can you let your friend know more of you without having to talk about your therapy?

[ECHOES]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunny said: For me, I don't really talk to people about my therapy as they wouldn't understand, and it is way too complicated to have to explain to them about our relationship and closeness and bond and trust, etc.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I feel this way too. My family members are mostly against therapy ("Take a pill !!") so I don't tell them any of it. Their mantras are "Get over it", "I'm so over [that person]" and "Whatever!". They know nothing of the events of my life and I don't feel like sharing anything with them.

Jello, I think it's nice that your friends wanted to show they care about you and you could feel that. That's a big step you took reaching out after and initiating communication!

[lauren_helene]

I learned this lesson long ago. I confided too much in my husband, family and a good friend. The problem with doing so is they will not understand the context from which comments we make about T are said.

They are not in the room and if they have never been in therapy, they won't understand. It made me more paranoid, upset etc. It took me awhile to learn this and now our sessions are easier because of it.

I come on here if I want to talk about therapy...with the wise PC crew we have!

you're right.. you're all right. just feeling so frustrated and sad.

i feel judged and pigeon-holed. There are just certain topics where i know i will get this from her... kind of a i-know-better tone to it.. it grates me... makes me want to yell and tell her she doesn't even know me for god's sake!

but i wont.. she cares and she is a good friend in most ways...

i am getting frustrated with not having friendships which are equal.. both parties as interested and motivated to put something into the friendship. IRL i seem to have friends who get together with me if i ask, but never call me... you know?

thats me of course... how i set up the power dynamic

i only mentioned T because he is SUCH a huge thing for me right now... i wouldn't be here w/o him.. he has been my source of validation while i made decisions i had not made before..

you're right.. i never should have brought it up.. she is not dumb at all, but she wouldn't understand this..

i am so very lonely

[Izzyparker]

Perna -
I agree. I'm in your category. I share a lot (more than average) about the fact that I'm in therapy. I don't talk about my therapy per se with people at work, but they know I go and why I'm late some days. I talk about it like it's a normal thing to do because it is and should be. All anyone has to do is open a phone book to "psychologists" and there are thousands listed. Someone has to be seeing all these people!

So in my workplace and of course home, people do feel comfortable coming to me asking me about therapy. By that I mean, sometimes it has opened the door for someone else seeking help.

I would tell my friend that it is a difficult relationship to understand unless one is in therapy themselves. And leave it at that.

[tulips30]

I think all of the posts above were well thought -out and for the most part were really true. I have found myself in the same kind of work situations like Perna and have had success with the same kinds of responses.

That said, I think that you seem to be also saying that you want friendships that aren't necessarily therapy-centered. But, more broad and reflect your interests and hobbies etc. Am I correct ? Anyway, this is going to sound sooooo much like a magazine article, but it does, in fact help. I felt the same way when my "babies" started living their lives and I wanted something out side of my job. More along the lines of friends who I connected with in more than one way.
I decided to just "jump in" and join stuff. I always wanted to sing in a choir and found one to join. I love working with photoshop, so I took a class. etc. I know it sounds trite. But, I can honestly say it has worked. I have put myself physically into the places where there are people whose interests were like mine. I also used to figure skate competitively and after my car-accident rehab, started going to the local rink. I now have met a couple of people who also like to skate AND we have some other things in common.

Does any of this make sense? If not, I'm sorry. I guess I felt like you were asking a question that I too have asked. Maybe not.....

tulips

BTW: did you notice that your "support" thread was on fire? That should make you feel very cared about and loved here.