Truth or consequences

Tonight I climbed a mountain. T called me this afternoon, asking if it were possible for me to come any earlier today, so of course I accommodated him as he has for me many times and I came an hour earlier. it was no big deal. Maybe it was the content of my day combined with the change in routine but I had a hard time in session.

I was telling T about a phone call I had with my son's school and all of a sudden I felt I was about to cry. I couldn't figure out where this was coming from and he asked me to stay with the feeling. I had a sense of wanting to push my mother out of the way. T suggested that maybe I need to look at my son's school issues through a different angle. It felt like criticism.

Then I kind of froze and before you know it I was laughing. Talk about mood swings. Then I became dissociated, confused and couldn't put my finger on any single word or a feeling.

T became annoyed or actually I learned he gets anxious but I perceive this as annoyance. I am sensitive to his demeanor. He tried to get me out of my confusion by pushing me to be present. When this happens I shut down even further.

I talked about the parallel paths we travel and how we hold different truths about things. I mentioned his perception of how our rupture improved was actually quite different from mine and I went on to explain my "defining moment."

He told me that when I become dissociated/confused that he goes into a very dense place and he can't see a way to help me. In a way, this is comforting because it means he's with me. But it frustrates the heck out of him.

I told him that when he tries to push me out of the confusion it actually makes things worse. i told him that I felt as though I were in the midst of a tornado with disjointed words flying around me and that when he stays calm and talks I stay very still and try to hold onto his words in order to stay present. It was really hard to describe this and let him know where I was. I cried as i told him.
He thanked me for telling him this. When the session ended I don't think I was very grounded, but I put on a good show and chatted as I walked out the door.

As I drove I became increasingly anxious. By the time I got back to work I was a mess. I left him a series of phone messages (4?). I was extremely fragile and having a lot of suicidal thoughts and urges to cut. T called me back and said he literally had one minute to talk. We talked and I cried. I said that I was in a lot of pain but couldn't touch it. I told him that I would journal and then leave him a message.

Within 20 minutes of journaling I was able to get in touch with intensely strong feelings of abandonment, invalidation and non-existence.

I called him and left a message. I hope he can return the mesage later or in the morning.

Maybe I was right all along. Maybe the poison inside of me is simply too much for him to absorb. It feels as though I repel him the way I repelled others from my childhood. I become invisible. It's a safe place to be.

((((misscharlotte)))) Sounds like a rough session

This was such a powerful session, thank you for being open to sharing it with us. I liked how your T admited he gets anxious. Did your journaling help you process that he is anxious and not annoyed?

It certainly doesn't sound like you repell him! He made the effort to call you when you were in so much pain even though he was obviously busy since he only had 1 minute.

Wow. I think that he really needs to listen to you when you are telling him exactly what you need in order to become more grounded when you begin to dissociate. If talking to you helps, then talking to you is what he should do.

I like that he called you back, even though he only had a minute. It shows that he was concerned and knew how important it was to touch base with you.

I hope you stayed safe. I am glad you turned to journaling and made some important discoveries.

Hey, when he calls you back tomorrow can you do us all a favor and ask him WHY THERAPY IS SO %#@&#! HARD?!

Much love to you. xoxoxoxoxoxox

sounds like he is trying. it can be hard for therapists if they weren't taught this. hard for them to see that sometimes what we need is some company in our despair. some company in our aloneness. that instead of trying to change it it helps to know that someone is there sitting there with us and that they can cope with it and don't feel the need to change it.

sounds like he is trying. i don't think you are too much. sounds like he is learning how to connect with you . it is wonderful that you can talk to him and tell him stuff. i can't talk. mute. i can't talk.

Ummmm,

Yeah, feeling a little better. Still having ugly thoughts. Spoke to T briefly a while ago. He said last night's message was garbled. I said I will fill him in tomorrow. I said I felt better. He said that I sound better. He told me what time I would be able to reach him today if I need to make contact. I will hold onto that. Just knowing--yes, just knowing he is there makes the difference. I told him I feel safe right now. Yeah, in the here and now I feel safe. This is about feeling and being invisible. Am I really here? Or am I a figment of my imagination? When I reach out do I touch someone?

Sigh.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MissCharlotte said:
When I reach out do I touch someone?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, you have touched me with your post! I loved the description of your session. You were open enough to let your feelings bubble up into your conscious and have achieved that connection to your unconscious that allowed you to make the link to your mother. All incredible stuff.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He told me that when I become dissociated/confused that he goes into a very dense place and he can't see a way to help me. In a way, this is comforting because it means he's with me. But it frustrates the heck out of him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I love how he shared his own version of your journey with you. He is with you along the path and his experience is different from yours and he shares it with you. It can enrich your own experience. I LOVED this.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He thanked me for telling him this.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">They love it when we tell them something that allows them to know what to do to help us better. Good for y ou for telling and good for him for really listening.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Maybe the poison inside of me is simply too much for him to absorb. It feels as though I repel him the way I repelled others from my childhood. I become invisible.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I thought your session did not show you were too much for him to absorb, that you repelled him, or that he didn't "see" you. I thought all just the opposite (from what you wrote). Can you read your post again and try to hold on to all the "good" that happened?

I am glad you are feeling better today.

Sunny,

Haven't seen you in a while. Thanks.