truth

I don't sleep or eat. I stay awake to keep vigil against the darkness that is threatening to engulf me.

sidony (darkness)



[edited by sidony to keep within guidelines!]

((((sidony))))

I am so sorry things are so hard right now. I am so glad you have your family. Please turn to them often for support. Let them know how you feel. They will help pull you from the darkness. Please stay safe. Call a crisis line or your T if you need to. ((((hugs))))

I understand about having to be vigilant at night. Maybe you can steal some sleep during the day, 20 minutes here, 45 minutes there. At one point, I was unable to sleep at night and survived by grabbing what I could during the day.

Thanks sunrise.

I won't harm myself. But I'll go on and on and on staring at blankness. I don't know how to get through the current problems in my life. I don't know if there's a reward to getting through as I don't have that much to hold onto. It seems like I had so much before and it's all gone now. I don't think I'll have any of it again. Just nothing. Emptiness.

sidony

((Sidony)) It will be ok, it always is, in the end. Just sit still and wait for it to pass. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk some more.

Thanks Mouse.

I do feel a little better this morning, having slept at least fitfully for a change. Strange scary dreams of flying in airplanes that would dive straight downward through clouds and dark (hm, maybe they were part spaceship) for long long periods of time and then finally balance out and find sunlight. The memory's vivid, especially the voice of the pilot who was explaining that the dive was normal and a shortcut. I felt like we'd fallen off the planet. And of course that I could barely hold on (was being dragged out of my seat by the force of the dive).

I don't think my life will be as good as it once was again. It's a sad realization for me, but I think I've already peaked so to speak. Along with other things, I bombed out in love and don't think I will be able to try again. And the worst is that it was my fault, my own inability to appreciate. I may always be alone. T is the one I hold onto these days, and I fear that I may lose him too.

I used to get up and do things. Today I'm still in my pajamas at 11:30.

Sidony

P.S. Mouse, I like the picture of you. You look nice. I remember you used to use an icon by your name (a drawn character) that I can't quite picture any more but which made me feel sad.

It was a picture of Virgina Woolf, yes it was rather sad. I'm glad you slept ok, I wouldnt be so hard on yourself, give yourself a break, ok?

Thanks. I'm attempting to force myself to eat half a burrito. I can barely manage it. I had one bite and felt completely full. But I'm still trying. I weighed earlier and was several pounds lighter than my usual weight. That's not good....

Sidony

((((((((((((((sidony))))))))))))))))

i could relate a bit to your post. fear of being single was my constant companion so long. i'm still single, but heck, who knows how much longer? anyway, i'm not as worried about it anymore. keeping track of myself is a full time job as it is.

i could relate about the way life used to be and then how it became. nothing to compare. the blank empty. you asked if there was anything to look forward to. in my experience, there is.

at times the suffering is all but bearable, true. i don't want to sound as if i have achieved something beyond anyone else, but the moments of joy you may experience when the depression lifts will answer that question for you undoubtedly.

i can't tell you what your own path is. i think we all are unique. the same applies with the time it will take. when will you find the information you need, when will you be ready to accept it? pain is an element in the urgency.

i hope you will keep trying. i can tell you it IS worth keeping on. especially if you've known good times. you will be shocked how natural it can feel again.

I am TERRIFIED of being alone...truly terrified! I would do anything to be connected with someone who can keep me anchored. I too have lost so much, because of my illness, and the longevity of it (17 years) There is no going back to reclaim it, it is gone forever. But I do have faith that God may yet bring joy to my heart, and relief to my spirit. He has done it before, and I trust Him. The hardest part is the intense longing to be with God physically...an end to the horrible aloneness, and the suffering. He has made it clear that I must keep on keeping on...I hope that you can do this too!

Sidony- I can relate and hope that things get better before long. I am sorry that you are going through this.

(((((((((((((( sidony )))))))))))))))

Sidony, I'd talk about this with your T. Loosing weight or gaining is a sure sign of depression. I lost 4stone 5yrs ago, just punished myself by not eating when I wanted too. Just didn't do what I should have done that was in my best interest.

Thanks everyone. (Mouse, how much is a stone? That must be a British measurement!)

One of my friends came to see me last night -- she brought food with her and made pasta / meatballs for us. She brought apple pie too. That was the most I've eaten lately. We watched a movie. I had told her I was falling apart on the phone the day before. I intended to tell her more about how I felt, but I wasn't really up for it. She didn't seem to mind though. We talked some about her problems (she's had a number of her own) since I couldn't seem to talk about mine.

I do have a real feeling of hopelessness lately. I feel like even when I find another job (I know I will eventually -- I'm 37 so not likely to retire for life just yet!) that it will be just trying to hang on until the next disaster. That I'll likely always have to fight for work. I wasn't one of those people who knew what they wanted to do with life. I have a degree, but it's in a field unrelated to the work I do. That will likely always make it hard to find work. I wish I'd made better choices when I was young (about what to do for a career) -- I torment myself about that but what good does that do. I was young and clueless. And I have this idea in my head that I don't deserve love unless I'm more successful, and I'll never be an accomplished career-driven woman. I had some good relationships in the past, and I screwed them up. I think about my most recent ex and think that if I screwed it up with him (which of course I did) that I have no right to even hope for love again. After all he was wonderful and I was an idiot not to appreciate him more. Anyway that's a short summary of where I'm coming from these days. I've probably said all that already in different threads. But here it is altogether. I often feel hopeless. And I feel cut off from other people because of it. I feel like I might not manage to get by in life, and that even if I do I have nothing to offer to anyone else.

I was glad that my friend came over last night though. At least I could put off these thoughts for a while. And I do feel better from having eaten again. There are even leftovers! Guess I'm having pasta again for supper.

Thanks for listening. I love this board -- so very helpful!

Sidony

i have to comment that your post is quite lucid and shows good organized thinking... glad to hear you had a pleasant experience with your friend... most of all, don't feel bad that you feel bad... but don't give up hope. I know at times it just seems like a tease, but for real... hang in there... it's never to late to find value in your experiences, even the bad ones. if nothing more you may find yourself able to comfort those that experience the same as you have...

i couldn't decide a career either, and really, that does seem to matter. what i do now is nothing the way i pictured it at a younger age, but, it's okay... life surprises most people i think. with all due gratefulness, it changed my life being able to find value despite some serious down time. i HOPE the same will come true for you...

Sidony, sorry yup a stone is about 14lbs. I am so pleased you enjoyed company and a nice meal! Good for you.

Sidony:

> I used to get up and do things. Today I'm still in my pajamas at
> 11:30.

Yesterday I was in my pajamas all day. Never did dress. Did not wash my face. My first meal was at 3:30 PM. I did feed the cats, and they were fairly patient with me.

Today I am still alive. Learning that my despair was a repeat of what I felt as a child. Which I am no longer (at least today).