[Perna]

I just read,

"Would you marry yourself-- or someone like you?"

and it made me think of all the types of questions we've been asking ourselves, the one I posted yesterday and Mouse, etc. and wondered what was the most useful question you've been asked in therapy or would like to be asked, or whatever.

[OliviaC]

Good question, Perna. My perception of myself is distorted, so I am told by friends. So I would have to say "no".

My husband who is the most wonderful person, wrote out a beautiful message to me about my worth to him and who I am and I keep it and look at it often. We have been married 21 years next month.

I would marry him in a heartbeat all over again and I am sure he feels the same way, but I don't see such positive things in myself at all

[Mouse_]

Its not always questions that effect me, but more one line statements, for instance today I was telling T how I find positive affirmations a load of bollocks, they dont work. T just replied, THey don't take away what happened?" that made me stop and think.

[Mouse_]

oh and would I marry myself? No, but I'd sure be curious about me and want to get to know me better.

[chaotic13]

It is funny you asked this question, last session I was asked to describe my different modes that I operate in. I listed a few and gave key characteristic that I display in each. When I said that it... My T asked what about yourself as a wife what mode are you in when you are in this role?

I don't have an image of myself in this role. I also realize I really don't have a good idea for what I should be like in this role.

I'd have to say..No, I would not want to be married to me.

My T doesn't normally ask earth-shattering questions that have a big impact on me-- but there is one time that I can remember a very simple, very significant question.

He simply asked me if I felt safe there with him. It was a big moment for me because at that point I completely idealized him and I had always thought of course I feel safe with him, he's the greatest man who ever lived. lol

When he asked me that, I realized all the ways in which I didn't feel safe and all the ways in which I still didn't trust him. It gave me a huge dose of reality testing and I realized how slowly therapy unfolds and how small the steps can really be.

[chaotic13]

Perna,
I found your.. Who ever taught you that you needed an emergency to seek their attention.. question to be evocative. Still working on that one :-)

[Perna]

I just found this neat site with great articles (and the original question) and I was going to keep it to myself but there's too much you all would like. This is my favorite so far:

http://www.goodtherapy.org/what-is-good-therapy.html

[Defective]

I think maybe i could be friends with myself but i would never marry someone like me. I would drive myself crazy if there was more than one of me(heck i do when theres only one of me). We would continually worry and that worry would put each others worries on super steroids(because we would worry about the same thing) until both our heads would explode out of fear. Things always seem worse when those around you are worrying about the same things where if they aren't you can try to convince yourself you're being unreasonable.

I don't think I've been asked a really useful question in therapy mainly because the ones that would be most useful for me to answer are ones i can't figure out.

[Perna]

I don't know if I'd marry myself or not. I guess in a sense, like you pointed out, Defective, we are married to ourselves; I guess it would take me looking at both my good and bad points, not just ways I "drive myself crazy".

My husband likes being married to me. I find ways to surprise and amuse him and I like being surprised and amused also. He values my opinions and common sense and I like them also. I don't have any worries about not being able to make up my mind about something and I feel I have good judgement. I'm helpful in a myriad of ways too, can notice little things that can make a big difference and just do them "naturally" and without a lot of fuss because I see they need being done. I'm extremely honest and 87.2% reliable, I feel :-) I can cook too

[Dinah]

I don't do so well with questions, especially big open ended ones. The larger questions usually leave me staring, and with a blank mind. Or I answer them very concretely.

There have been any number of smaller ones, where he asks "Do you think..." and then restates what I've just said, and of course framed as a question I can only answer no, that sounds ridiculous and of course I know it isn't true.

But for me the statements have a far greater effect. I still am struck by his stating, and then acting on the statement, that if I ask for what I want the answer may be no, but if I don't ask for what I want the answer is almost sure to be no. And that there's never anything that's wrong to ask, as long as you realize the answer may be no.

But I am afraid to say that I get my most important insights while arguing. When he gets something wrong and I'm trying to correct him, or when he disagrees with me and I'm trying to defend my position, my brain works harder and I come up with my best insights.

Other than in the bath. I come up with my very best insights in the bath.

(I wouldn't marry myself. We'd be too much alike for it to work. But my husband isn't so very bad off married to me. I'm nowhere near perfect and there is lots about me I'd like to change. But that's also true of him and everyone else I know. The important thing is that for the most part we have complementary weaknesses and strengths.)

[okiedokie]

Heck,Perna, with all those great attributes, I'd marry ya!!

Best,
Okie

[sunrise]

I would marry me if I was "right" for me.

T asked me once if I could have my H stop doing one thing, what would it be? I knew the answer immediately and that was very powerful to me, to realize I knew exactly what I wanted. There was a ripple of this question a number of months later, when my H had joined me for couples therapy, and it was a very intense session, and T turned to me and said, if you could ask your H for one thing at this moment, what would it be? Of course, I hadn't asked H for anything for many years (been rejected by him way too many times early on), so this was kind of scary, but in the safety of T's office, I knew immediately what I needed from H and was able to ask for it. And H gave it. (The thing I said to H was "I need you to say you want to hear what I have to say.") It was a cool experience to tell my H this need and have it fulfilled. I don't remember that ever happening before. So this stands out as a small but powerful moment.

[Mouse_]

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okiedokie said:
Heck,Perna, with all those great attributes, I'd marry ya!!

Best,
Okie

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[SeptemberMorn]

Great link, Perna! It opened up to "Pathologizing." I only read the first few sentences and couldn't read any more.

I'm having an anger/trigger issue with one of my neighbors. Patholigizing means not separating the person from the issues. At this point in time, there's no way I can separate the woman from the issues she brings up in me. She doesn't even have to talk to me or look at me and I'm pissed as hell at her.

Definitely something I need to work on, but not right now.

[newlife07]

If I could do it over again, I'd marry someone more like myself. Opposites attract, but eventually repell. I am free-spirited, warm, and driven to help others, My husband is rigid, distant, and sees charity as something he will never participate in.
No therapist that we've seen has asked an "AHA" meaningful question.

[MissCharlotte]

Hmmm,

T asks a lot of useful questions, and offers useful silences as well. Last week, the most useful question he asked was "Where was she?"

He was talking about my mother. I couldn't answer the questions. It spoke volumes.

Sigh

[Lenny]

The greatest question asked of me thus far...the one that forced me into places where I had never been,,and it was asked by someone who wanted to know:

Who are you Lenny?

Not your resume,,I can read that,,,but who are you?

I was surprised by the question and certainly not prepared to answer it at one sitting,,,

Though not obsessive about the search,,I spent weeks thinking on it...I learned much about myself in the process..

I think I surprised her with my answer...

Lenny

I would like to be asked the following:
1) Would you please stay an extra hour since I'm feeling needy?
2) Would you mind coming in for extra sessions because I can't stand waiting that long in between sessions?
3) Would you make sure you schedule your appointments for the next 20 years because you terminating is NOT an option?
4) Would you please take this hippo off my hands?
5) Would you like me to tell you what you want to hear all session and mean it?

I have been asked:
1) And what does that mean to you?
2) So, what am I going to say again? (in response to me telling him over and over I know you're going to say blah blah, LOL) I love it when he is sarcastic.

[splitimage]

I don't think I've ever been asked earth shattering questions in therapy - more little ones that slowly get me to think about stuff. But my T has made statements that shocked me into really thinking about stuff.

One was that she was really worried about how easily she could loose me, in that one day I'm seemingly fine and the next into a devastatingly self destructive cycle that she doesn't see coming. She also told me she was relieved that I'd agreed to go IP last summer since that was the only way she felt safe going on vacation. I guess it struck me, because it does indicate that she worries about me, and I really believe that nobobdy is going to care for me & it also showed me how much I still keep myself hidden, even from her.

--splitimage

[Flowerb]

Most powerful question ever asked: "Can you tell him no?"

We were doing a role play - helping a younger part say her truth and trying to change a dream. It never occured to me that I had the power to say no - even now, even to just a dream.

hmm... there are a LOT of statements which hook something in me.. you know, make that inner self snap its head around and listen.. but there have been questions:

"are we ok?" - that one kind of broke my heart

"why dont those rights apply to you?" - the list of things people have a right, like not being screamed at

hmm... would i marry myself? no.. not at this point. My medical issues have resulted in mood instability and i am not always myself. But i am a moth-to-flame person... i dont have a lot of friends, but mostly because i dont know how to handle making friends, people are drawn to me. That isnt a brag sort of thing.. im not proud of it at all.. because if i am a flame, then it means the moth dies right? So.. right now i'd be too hard on anyone.. no.. i am not currently marriage material. Ask my xH.. he'll tell you.

no i wouldn't marry myself. i don't think i'd like to be friends with myself either. i think if i met myself i'd feel rather repulsed actually. would limit the time i spent with me. would try and avoid me if at all possible.

my therapist doesn't ask so many questions.. oh, sometimes he does. i think i'm having trouble remembering a lot that he says and a lot that he asks. the significant stuff in particular. i think 'hey that is pretty good i should remember he said that' and i never do remember.

once he said 'so you feel x and y and z' and the way he explained it... was spot on. completely right. but i didn't know how i felt. and after i saw him... i couldn't remember what he said.

[Dinah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
once he said 'so you feel x and y and z' and the way he explained it... was spot on. completely right. but i didn't know how i felt. and after i saw him... i couldn't remember what he said.

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I've had that experience. But eventually, for me, it seeps in. Very eventually for me. Infinitesimally slow seeping.

You know, if you were to meet yourself I bet you'd like yourself way better than you think. I think it's not uncommon to feel like if people really knew us, they wouldn't like us. I know I feel that way sometimes. But we feel that way about ourselves, not about others. You'd give yourself the same benefit of the doubt you give others.

I agree with Defective:
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Defective said:
I would drive myself crazy if there was more than one of me(heck i do when theres only one of me).

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There's no way I could marry myself. I could be casual friends...just showing the surface. I laugh a lot. I couldn't be more than that to myself. I have too much emotional baggage. I couldn't handle double the load. I have a handful of real close friends and that's all I can handle.

While I was IP my therapist asked if I still loved my husband. I was in such a bad place at the time I had to actually think about it for a while. I figured out that I did love him and I knew (and still know) that he loves me. He has been so supportive through all of this. He gives me the space I need to deal with my issues and he is always there if I need to bury my head in his shoulder and let it all out. He is willing to go with me to appointments/meetings at my request and willing to back off if I tell him I need the space. He is my soulmate. Usually I don't have to mention what I need from him. he just senses it.