she didn't let me feed myself. i remember throwing a tantrum because i wanted to feed myself and she wouldn't let me. early memory... i guessed i was about three... but then my t's jaw dropped. 'she wouldn't let you feed yourself when you were three???'

um... 'i dunno. it may have been earlier'.

she didn't let me pick out what clothes i wanted to wear. she would lie them out on the bed while i was having a shower or whatever. she wouldn't let me wear anything else. i remember throwing a tantrum because i wanted to wear something different and she wouldn't let me. i guess i was about 7 but i didn't tell my t...

i always felt invaded by her. for as long as i can remember. don't have any good memories of positive encounters. just remember wanting to get away from her. don't remember feeling attached to her at all.

i remember going along to interviews with principles because i wanted to go to school a bit earlier than was standard (mostly to get away from mother for longer, i remember). and the principles never believed that i'd be alright without my mother. and i was practically begging them 'i'll be good i promise please let me go to school. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease'.

i just wanted her to get away from me.

i used to fantasize that she would get run over on her bike by a truck. gone. dead. maybe one of my teachers would look after me... being in a home would have been better than being with her. i used to fantasize about getting the carving knife and stabbing her when she was asleep. i used to have nightmares about trying to do that and she would open her eyes all of a sudden. and look at me. i'd wake up with cold chills and sweats. that was when i was about 11. i remember telling myself that it would be okay cause i was a minor but that i'd better do it soon or they would be harsher with the punishment... i used to pray (when i believed in such things) that god would kill her or allow her to die or whatever. i just needed to get away from her so bad.

and my father was so distant. never hurt me but never stopped her hurting me either. left when i was 7. cried myself to sleep everynight from the time he left until... well... i still do it a lot truth be told. the fear the panic the lonliness... i always wanted him to be closer to me but he was always so far away. and then he left. and moved on. and forgot about me. he needed to in order to be alright himself, i guess. when i think of him i feel sad.

:-(

but i think my t thinks it is weird. that i never attached to her. he was like... 'you must have been but then the hurt made you turn away'. but if i ever was it was far far earlier than i can remember... i can't remember feeling attached to her.

my t said i got away. it must have been hard to develop an identity of my own, but i did. i said i didn't do so well and he was like 'how do you mean' and i was like 'well i don't really have much of a sense of myself even now, do i'. and he was like... 'she must have been a force'.

and she was. like a black hole. sucking everything that is distinct from her inside it. annihilating anything that is not her. insatiable. he said she must have been an adversary... maybe she was. maybe htats how come i'm so bad tempered.

[Mouse_]

I think being "bad tempered" is a defence we used to protect what little we did have...yes being swamped is as harmful as being abandoned...

i remember at primary school she said that if i didn't wear what she laid out then she would buy my high school uniform early and i could wear that all the time.

i remember she used to go to these 'tough love' meetings. she said it was because i was so hard to love.

i remember she used to have these worksheets. it would list everything i was supposed to do. stuff like 'get out of bed at 7am' and 'make bed' and 'eat breakfast' and 'brush teeth' and 'get dressed'. and she would do an inspection. and i'd get a tick for whatever she thought i'd done correctly... and if i did everything right in a day (which i think i only managed about 5 times) then she said she would give me 50 cents. pocket money. mostly i got nothing. got grounded for a week cause there was a wrinkle in the bed or cause i didn't eat all the breakfast cause it was too much for me and i wanted to throw up. even if i managed to do everything she wanted in the mornings i was bound to %#@&#! up in the afternoons. something i said or a look in my eyes would have her say i was being smart and that meant i got nothing. it undid everything. i remember resigning myself to being perminantly grounded from the time i was 11... sometimes she would let me do stuff... but mostly not. not fit for human company she said. sick sick i feel sick.

i hate her i hate her i hate her.

i remember she used to make me run around with no clothes on. saving money, she said. i remember crying and screaming that i wanted to wear clothes. that no other kids my age went around naked. too bad. she would drag me out anyway.

shame
shame
shame

[Perna]

Oh, what a wretched childhood, Alexandra. I had a lot of that too. My mother didn't let me plan my wedding and I was only 39 :-) She bought my wedding gown without me there; my stepsister bought all my bridesmaids dresses.

My girlfriend (one of my bridesmaids) was in the bakery business and wanted to take me to buy the cake for my gift from her from the woman who would make it, a real, genuine, wedding cake baker and she almost didn't let us do that; my girlfriend and I amused ourselves by looking at the different/bizarre cakes and imagining my stepmother's horror :-) Purple icing? She wouldn't even let me get a chocolate top layer, the one you save for the 1st year anniversary (my husband loves chocolate).

Since I was so old, I was thinking of not changing my name because all my credit cards, etc. were in my name and I mentioned that to her and her response was a shocked, "I've never heard of such a thing!" and I did the math on how much longer she'd be living versus how much I really cared if I changed my name or not and decided to change my name.

I was thinking about the clothes thing the other day; my mother made mine and they weren't particularly stylish? Not good for high school. I can't imagine though, the shame of not having any to wear and being so constrained in choice.

Why didn't you feel you could tell your T about "being dressed"? Don't you think he'll believe you? That's one thing that kind of has to be different with a male T and female client I think. Clothes are a bit different issue for us. It's like you were your mother's doll or something? Bad doll at that because you made it so difficult for her. What a difficult, ugly situation and task you have getting out from under that mess.

I remember when my T predicted things would be better for me after my stepmother died (which she did within a year or two). It was right after I was telling her how I'd have my mother over visiting from the assisted living facility and she'd be in the living room and I'd be going to the bathroom and she'd call me and I'd actually stop what I was doing and rush to go see what she wanted. My T was not thrilled with that response in me.

but the funny thing was that i wasn't a doll. i would get my brothers hand downs mostly. i remember going through a phase of being upset about that... but it wasn't like she wanted to dress me like a doll or anything. it was just... control, i guess. i don't know. maybe she wanted to dress me like a boy cause my father wanted a son? i don't know.

i didn't want to tell my t because i didn't want to start ranting abotu all this stuff. just in what i told him... triggered this off...

shame. thats the feeling really. just such immense shame. yeah. i think i was about three and she wouldn't let me feed myself. that was why i was throwing such a tantrum about it. i didn't want her to feed me. it was embarrassing. humiliating. i most certainly didn't want her doing it in public... so i was trying to get her to stop it at home. but surely i didn't have that cognitive capacity at three. so who the %#@&#! knows.

i... used to tell her i hated her sometimes. and... i did hate her. but she would get really upset abotu that. really upset. violent. so i didn't tell i hated her as much as i felt it. i just don't understand why i don't feel any loving feelings for her at all. why i wasn't attached to her at all. if i was before that... i must have been... i don't know.

[Perna]

I think you did have that cognitive capacity at three. My first memory is getting lost at 2 (outside) and trying to find my way home and I would have succeeded but someone moved the bridge I knew which direction I'd come from and where the bridge was (to the left) but it wasn't there (because there was a bend and I wasn't old enough in Piaget years to know about corners). But I was a good reasoner!

We have passions when we're that old and preferences, etc. My aunt (who is 87 today) says I hated having my hair washed as a 2 year old so she solved that by letting me do it myself and I was fine until the shampoo got in my eyes (not much children's shampoo yet I guess in 1952). But I was a very willful thing!

I was picturing a naked, jointed, wooden doll; kind of like I picture when I'm reading historical novels and the frontier father makes the girl a doll for Christmas that the mother clothes, etc. Kind of a blank slate your mother could do with as she wished. Only you weren't blank.

[sunrise]

(((((alex)))) So many of your memories brought back ones of my own. I think our moms had definite similarities. I am glad you are sharing all this with your T. I remember my mom used to make lists of chores for me to do. I couldn't go out to play or go see friends until my list was done. I would do all the things on the list, and then she would make me another list. Then I would do those things and she would make yet another list. It was hopeless. Eventually, I gave up and realized she was never going to let me go out and have fun with friends so I would make the first list last the whole day--that way, fewer chores. And the chores were really scuzzy things too, like cleaning the toilet in her bathroom, scrubbing the grout between the tiling on the floor down on hands and knees with bleach and a toothbrush, all sorts of crap, not just regular wash the dishes and vacuum type chores. I sometimes wonder what the hell she got out of this? What is wrong with some people? I think this permanently scarred my personality because since I wasn't allowed to socialize with friends due to my neverending chores, I became very reclusive, and I remain very shy and socially awkward to this day. I never got to "practice" socializing as a girl and so didn't develop those abilities.

[Kiya]

Alex, have you read "A child called it"? seems very familiar to what you write and about the not being connected to mom - can't connect so someone so unloving.

((((((((((many, many hugs to you))))))))))))))))

[Soidhonia]

(((Alexandra))). I m sorry for your struggles that you faced in childhood, and i am very Proud that you are willing to stand up for what you want to become yourself, and get the help from the therapist to help you persevere in life. Take care. (((Alexandra))). Soidhonia

[MissCharlotte]

Alex

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
remember going along to interviews with principles because i wanted to go to school a bit earlier than was standard (mostly to get away from mother for longer, i remember). and the principles never believed that i'd be alright without my mother. and i was practically begging them 'i'll be good i promise please let me go to school. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Amazing. Simply amazing that I have almost the same memory (about age 5), but with the opposite reaction. I wanted to be with my Mom, but she was begging the school to take me early. She couldn't wait to get rid of me.

I don't have a sense of attachment, and I started doing her jobs for her when i was about 6, taking care of my baby sister.

Sigh.

thanks guys. this stuff just kinda came flooding back after i said to my t about the feeding thing. i guess... it never struck me before that it was inappropriate for her to have been still feeding me at that age. i didn't realize that other parents try and encourage their kids to take that step much earlier than that.

i found something last night on how parents view their toddlers and how that view shapes the toddlers behaviour. all kinds of things... how parents might view their toddler as 'willful' or 'seductive' or whatever. my mother characterized me as willful and defiant. i don't think... i don't think that i was particularly. at least... i remember really trying very very hard to be good with my dad. was mortified if he was upset with me. it was just that no matter what i did my mother was unhappy with me. since i was damned either way... and what kid wouldn't throw a tantrum when it wasn't allowed to take a step that was age appropriate for a kid much younger than them? my mother was always a battle like that. she didn't want me to grow up.

i remember her telling me that she had a discussion with my niece and she was getting really worried about her showing an interest in boys already (at 11). she didn't seem to realize that the interest that an 11 year old girl shows in boys is different from my mothers 16 or 18 year old interest in boys. mother was lamenting how she was growing up... growing up isn't something that my mother celebrated... she seemed to think that there was something wonderful and magical about infants... and that growth and development simply constituted pain. mostly caused by her of course. but from her perspective: inevitable. for your own good. she really should get help...

[chaotic13]

((Alex)) You mother sounds like she was very oppressive. I'm struggling a bit now trying figure out for myself why there was always seemed to be a disconnect between my mother and I. I've felt a lot of guilt about not feeling connected to my mother. My mother was very kind and loving and wanted to show me affection. Yet, I ran from her, rejected her and often got angry at her. I feel really bad about how I must have treated her sometimes.

However, I do think she played some roll in teaching me that what I feel and how I behave is not correct or normal. I really remember feeling confused because what I was told I should feel was never consistent with what I was actually feeling.

As Perna mentioned I also was a very willful child and likely very difficult for her to handle. Both my parents were physically disabled and I was incredibly impulsive, aggressive, and hyperactive child. I can only imagine what it must have been like for my parents to deal with me. I mentioned in my last therapy session that I really dislike physical contact and that I think my dislike for it preceded my memories of childhood sexual abuse. As I think reflect on outside of the session, I think my parents have more to do with the my connecting physical contact with control, pain, discomfort, and negative emotions than my abusers. As a small child they kept me physically retrained, they were always reprimanding me verbally and physically for running off, not sitting still in church, not wanting to be held. They insisted that I let people hug and kiss me and insisted that I reciprocate affection towards people I didn't like. They made me feel like it was wrong for me not to like this attention, that I was an evil little girl who didn't listen and follow directions.

As an adult I can appreciate their actions, but I also am somewhat angry at them too. If that makes any sense.