Afraid to get better?

Sometimes I’m afraid to get better because I'll lose my T and that means I will lose the only thing that makes me feel like I exist and am real and need people, which makes me feel human and connected.
Therapy is the closest thing that approximates my idea of what it would feel like to be loved and cared for. I don’t know how to feel loved or worthwhile w/out being sick.
Before I got help I was completely separated from people emotionally. I didn’t need anyone. I did NOT EXIST. I honestly thought I was not human and had no soul. I am TERRIFIED that will happen again if I get better. I will be COMPLETELY ALONE again.
Intellectually I know my fear is illogical but it feels so real. I am worried about mentioning my feelings to my T because she may think I'm not trying to get better or worse that I'm faking it because I want her attention.

Everyones idea of getting better is different. Twenty years ago, I would have NEVER expected to be here today with 2 kids. But I am, so I guess I did get a little better.

If/when you get better you will discover LOTS (well, some) people that you want to know and who will want to know you.

And yes, I think you should talk to your T about your feelings...

Kessa, That is completely NORMAL what you are feeling right now. I even once asked T if I was keeping myself "stuck"? and she nodded her no, but even if I were, then that alone showed I needed to be in T still..with time and trust and experience of your own growing inner strenght you will come to feel safe to be "well" at times and still not loose T.

(((((((((((((((( Kessa )))))))))))))))))))))


It might help to share your feelings with your T, maybe she can reassure you and make you feel a little bit better.

Kessa,

There's no need to fear getting better! As long as you still want to go to therapy that's fine. Lots of healthy people go to therapy just to improve their lives and relationships, work on family issues, etc. You don't have to be in terrible shape or falling apart. As long as you find that it's improving your life, keep doing it! I've had long periods in which I was doing really well but I still found therapy extremely helpful and supportive. I felt no need to ditch it because I was doing better, and you won't be required to either. Just the fact that you felt completely alone would be enough of a reason to go to therapy even if you were better in every way. So don't be afraid!

I personally have no plan to leave therapy at all. It improves my life even in the best of times, and I'm going to keep it. And everyone's free to do the same!

Sidony

My therapist has always been clear that even if I get "all better" I can still come to therapy. He's no idiot, and he knows me well enough to know that I could self sabotage if I was scared enough.

But it actually hasn't been an issue. I'm better than I was, but I'm not sure I'll ever be "all better". My nervous system is finely wired, shall we say. Therapy, along with as needed medications, keeps me functioning as well as possible so I can work and be the best mom I can be.

Kessa, that is a real, and common fear. Do talk about this with your T... because it can hinder your healing. I think you will find that it's ok to get better, and that you can always rely upon the sources you have now, even when you do, if you need to!

When you get better, you can make those decisions better for yourself too. You won't be forced into having to do this or that if you still don't wish to. Healing doesn't require anything else ... it just needs you to find it.

Wow! You summed up my feelings exactly. The last time I was in the hospital I was given a worksheet (from some book, not sure) about being afraid to heal. It questioned things like what you would LOSE if you were better. Yes, I would not want to give up my t who is the only one who seems to truly accept me unconditionally. I guess if I can't find that out of therapy, I still need to be in therapy. Hope it helps to know you are not alone.!

Thanks for the support. It helps to be able to put feelings into words and to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I'll talk to my t about it.
I've been on medical leave due to anxiety etc. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier (safer) to hide out and not deal with the world but a healthy part of me knows I need to keep trying. It's exhausting though! I don't feel like I have anything left to give right now in return for everyone's support.

Thank you so much for that post. I needed to read that someone had the same fears I do. I appreciate everyone's response, it has really helped. I don't even know if I like my T. but I know that getting better has really freaked me out b/c there would be no more excuses.

I think everyone is a little afraid of getting better. I know I was. My twisted logic was kind of like, what if I get better and my life still sucks and I'm lonely, Plus change of any kind is just scary.

I don't define myself as fully well yet, but I'm definitely doing a lot better than I was a year and a half ago. I'm sober, I'm not depressed, I'm not self injuring, I'm starting to meet people, and I'm starting to try to tackle some of my negative cognitions about myself that keep me isolated.

you don't know where your healing journey will take you - but don't be afraid of it, because it might be wonderful.

--splitimage

Wow, splitimage....I love this:

"you don't know where your healing journey will take you - but don't be afraid of it, because it might be wonderful."

Wise words that I will definitely try to remember!

Hmmm....my T charges over $100 an hour, let me calculate what I'd owe you all
Nope, sorry, not gonna happen!

I, too, am afraid to get better...

because...

I think I will have to terminate therapy (my T has reassured me one million times that a "wellness bell" does not go off-- he said there are always things to explore and we can continue working together for as long as I want)

Because being ill has become a large part of my identity, along with the behaviors that go along with it (I am currently trying to find out who I am aside from this-- and to realize that if some of these things cease to exists, I will still be me).

Because if I am not ill, no one will care; no one will pay attention to me (perhaps if I am "better" I will get more positive attention and connections than I get now).

Your fear is very common, as you can see.

I am afraid, too. I went through a period of time (a few years now) when the mental health service said that I was 'too functional' to qualify for publicly funded treatment. I remember that my symptoms escalated - not because I was trying to manipulate them into treating me, but because I was really struggling with intense pain and lonliness. Having a therapist helped me feel less alone (so I was able to function better). It signified hope to me, too. Hope that things would get better for me. So when they cut off that avenue my functioning deteriorated significantly.

Since then I've really developed a fear that a therapist will terminate me if I seem to be too functional. In my last session I took a risk, however. I told my therapist 'I no longer identify with being mentally ill'. I expected that he would start talking about termination, but he didn't. I still can't quite believe it. I find this hard, and I think some therapists do too; One doesn't need to be mentally disordered in order to benefit significantly from therapy. Instead of aiming for 'normality' (whatever that means) one can aim for 'optimality' in the sense of being the best person you can be according to your ultimate values.