[coconut64]

I have no clue about feeling either...I'm numb numb numb. My T and I have been talking about something traumatic from my past, which is causing me to relive these memories. I told T that it hurt to relieve it and he asked "How does it hurt?"

I had no clue ........went blank.

It seems an easy enough question.....HOW DOES IT HURT??????????

[Kiya]

well... does it cause pain in your body? if so, where?
does it cause emotional pain; anger, dispair, fear...?
does it cause lack of sleep? or nightmares?
that's a place to start =)

[coconut64]

Thanks for your response Kiya, I really appreciate it.

I'm still trying to figure out what feelings are, how to cope with them and how to not be scared of them.

Wow therapy is hard.

Peace.

[MyBestKids2]

I have that numbing feeling too. I find it to be a safe place to hide, even though my T would prefer I be more open. I'm afraid that things would come gushing out, I couldn't handle it, and would be very hurt emotionally

[Kiya]

yeah - i hang out in "numb disbelief" a lot. T is trying to change that. Therapy *is* hard.

[PsyChris]

Have you asked your therapist to work on educating you on some therapeutic language that can help you decide?

Most people don't think about how they feel, they just feel it! They don't normally have someone to explain it to.

Learning therapeutic language will really help your communication and may create those links over that feeling of numbness.

[Kiya]

Well, if you come from a family that does not allow you to feel (as a lot of us do) then yeah it is a foreign concept. When you're not allowed to be angry, or you get punished for being scared or sad, you hide everything for safety. when you're finally allowed to feel again, many of us don't know how any more. Some never regain it - they married into abusive relationships or there are many other reasons. Many ppl like myself stay numb or make themselves numb so they don't have to feel because at this point, not only are feelings foreign, but they are firghtening and cause a lot of emotional pain until one relearns how to feel, and how to moderate feelings.

[(JD)]

Yes, therapy is work! I'm sure T understands how you hurt, but is asking you, to help you find some of those thoughts, if not feelings, and thus begin to safely feel again.

[coconut64]

I just "feel" so screwed up when I cannot even answer a simple question like "how does it hurt?'. I've always known my emotions were a little off but I never realized the extent of it until I started T. I can sit there and tell my T about my horrible childhood without even tearing up much less crying. It's like I'm psycho or something. Like Kiya says I was disclined for crying so I guess that contributed to it. Other things happened to me later in life that made me not want to feel anything and now I guess it's all off. My T keeps asking me almost every session "how does X make you feel?" ....I just sit there trying to think of an answer because I have no clue. I can't even name the feelings. I have fantasies of being swallowed by the couch when the feelings question comes up.

Is there a feelings course I can take? I told my T that I need a board with feelings and pictures so I can point to the correct one when he asks. I see myself as a monkey pointing with my hairy fingers and laughing monkey style.

Banana anyone?

Peace.

[ALissa3]

It is difficult to figure out what exactly you're feeling. My former therapist gave me a list of all different kinds of feeling words and I would just bring that with me to therapy- when she asked how whatever it was we were talking about made me feel I would refer to the list Don't feel screwed up- "how does it hurt?" is not a simple question to answer!

[chaotic13]

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coconut64 said:
I can sit there and tell my T about my horrible childhood without even tearing up much less crying. It's like I'm psycho or something.

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I am experiencing the same thing. I can't remember the last time I actually cried. I do feel like I have made some problems so maybe this condition is reversible.

[pachyderm]

> Banana anyone?

I'll take one.

[Mouse_]

intrapsychicaly it hurts me.

[(JD)]

It's a process, learning to feel again...and learning how to do that safely...where you feel safe feeling those emotions. Yes, it could be from growing up around those that controlled how you would feel. One thing from that I think is that you learned to suppress your anger quite quickly. So when your T asks you, how does that feel, how do you feel about that, or how does that make you feel, even mouthing the words might be scary for you.

You could list emotions... and then note those emotions that you think would be fine for someone else to have.... and maybe then, with time, you could note that if something like that happened to you (not acknowledging whether it has or not) then it might also make you feel xxxx.

To be able to sense some anger, for instance, and keep it under control but express it to another: "you are making me angry" is an ultimate goal.

To realize that you want to feel emotions is a good step too. To think or say, "I would like to be able to appreciate the sunset," can be the start of learning how to do that (again?)



Your respective Ts can help you find your way safely.

[chaotic13]

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sky_ said:
You could list emotions... and then note those emotions that you think would be find for someone else to have.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I think this technique is somewhat effective.
My T did something like this during one session. She kept asking me questions about past stuff and I must have not given her the response she was looking for. Then she finally used one of my children and said, what if it was ______ in that situation, how would he feel? How would you respond as his mother? Then I could feel anger, outrage, and even the fear. For some reason I seem to have empathy and tolerance for other people's feelings, but not for my own. I kind of makes sense that if you can feel something for someone else, you must be capable of feeling it for yourself.

[coconut64]

Anger is another thing I trouble with...I never get angry. My T told me that you don't have to get angry to be angry but still I am never angry. Then we proceeded to have a discussion why anger is important and natural. I was countering his point with one of my intelectualizations, which is what I'm best at. One thing I've learned, never argue with your T about feelings because you're going to lose.

I don't know why I keep holding back. Is it because feelings scare me, is it because I think having them is too intense for me and I'll break, or is it because feelings remind me of the horrible times I went through. In other words, are feelings themselves a reminder of the trauma????

This "feels" like head banging to me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So when your T asks you, how does that feel, how do you feel about that, or how does that make you feel, even mouthing the words might be scary for you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I just go blank, my anxiety peaks. I often wonder whether I'll be able to feel again. Right now it seems helpless

[Kiya]

Totally - I'm rarely able to answer "how does x feel". or "how does it hurt". i usually say "i dunno"... (monkey scratches head. takes banna) lol
i think feelings do remind me of the trauma - they're connected because the only thing i was taught to feel was "numb". anything else and there is danger of it contaminating my entire life. freaks me out.

[(JD)]

You've made an excellent point, imo., that being the brain's connection of feelings with the trauma. When someone is traumatized, it changes the chemicals in the brain somehow... and one needs to retrain the brain (in this instance, to recognize not all feeling means trauma) so that it begins to file away the experiences correctly in the future.

[Lenny]

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coconut64 said:
Anger is another thing I trouble with...I never get angry.


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Anger is fear being expressed emotionally...I have yet to meet anyone who does not feel fear from time to time...

It is OK to be afraid. It is not OK to be frozen by it...

IMHO.

Lenny

[coconut64]

I'm so "something". I'm climbing the walls. I want to do something but I don't know what. I shared something very traumatic with T and I've been wanting to cry ever since. I just can't. So....I'm anxious, jumpy, my heart is racing, I want to rip off my skin. I hate hate hate hate hate feelings. I'm dying here.

[(JD)]

(((hugs))) coconut, can you find what is causing you this anxiety? Do you think it was the sharing with T; was your session not brought to a good ending? Rethink what you shared, and what the T said, and realize they are words, words that represent an experience, and right now, you are ok. I'm sure you can trust your T, or you wouldn't have felt safe to share this. Can you call your T and leave a message telling how you are feeling right now? Sometimes that helps, knowing that T knows. Nothing has changed for the sharing, nothing bad need come from it. Breathe.

[Kiya]

What I am learning about feelings is to treat them like they are big waves. If you fight the wave, it can take you under. But if you can stay calm, it will go right over you and pass you and you will come to the surface again shortly. Learn to breathe through the scary feelings, to let them pass. they will pass. the more we can be calm through them, the less they can hurt us or "take us under".
(I never said it was easy!!!) but it is worth it.
((((((((((((((((cocount)))))))))))))))))))