Another one down

Did you ever feel like you were chasing your tail? I feel as though I am running in circles with T. And each time I feel like I am getting somewhere or making the connection I need to make he says something that totally ungrounds me and I feel as though I am falling through the spaces again.

Tonight I was trying to sort out some feelings that came up over the last few weeks and our latest rupture. While we were talking he said to me that he wishes I would just show my anger at him instead of taking it out on myself. For some reason I felt even worse when he said this, as if I can't "do it right." (therapy)

He said that there is a something in the way I go to a wounded place that makes him feel as though I am blaming him for something. I told him that he seemed angry and he said he was not angry, but he was being clear. I told him he was picking a fight and he should shut up. He said he wouldn't shut up because this is a relationship. At one point I put my hands on my face and told him I felt very small. All the while I was coloring with pencils.

On the way home I became overwhelmed with feelings of wanting to hurt myself and intense suicidal ideation. I pulled over on the highway to clear my head for a minute and left him a message on his machine. Now he's probably pissed because he doesn't like a lot of phone calls, prefers to keepem to a minimum and bring as much as possible into session.

I sometimes feel like I just don't know how much more of this I can do. Meanwhile I had a dream the other night about him calling me and telling me he would be hugging me occasionally if it was okay with me........go figure.

Lost in my head.

((((((((((((((((((( Miss Charlotte )))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow! That is an intense session, huh? I would be upset if I told him to shut up and he didn't! Then again, I would be upset if I were upset and I didn't get my way! LOL

I hope you feel better about it. The relationships we form with T can be SOOOOO confusing and upsetting at times.



BJ

I know what you mean MissCharlotte. It's so unnerving. I hate worrying if I've angered T or if he's thinking that he'd rather I not come to session, LOL. We made a goal today for me to try to hold him from Thurs. to Tues. and not start thinking negative thoughts. So, he's on my lap right now, LOL. I hope you are keeping yourself safe! Okay, Miss. He will be hugging you occasionally? If you're going to dream, LOL, then DREAM! Take care of yourself. We will get through this!

@_@ !! Zounds! I dunno what to say Miss! =( So i'll just send good thoughs!
(((((((((((miss!!!!!!!!!!)))))))))))))

I don't get these intense relationships with my T's. I'm kinda like, hey, if I don't feel like I'm making "progress" or things are at a standstill or we disagree on fundamental issues--this is my "employee" basically & if I don't think I'm getting my money's worth, I'll go elsewhere.

I now have a phone interview (I've drafted on Word) I do with a potential T before I do an intake appt. Why waste her (I only see females) & my time & my money if we don't have the fundamentals in alignment? So far, no T has refused to do a 10-min. phone interview. I mean, I'm polite & all, but I don't want to get in there & after 3 sessions find out I'm with a Tom Cruise clone who thinks medications "blunt" my feelings & thus thwart therapy. Geeze, I'm sorry, but I'm bipolar 1 & if she saw me off meds she would realize I wouldn't even be able to do an ounce of therapy--I'd spend the whole time crying (did that for many years).

So through the interview process I feel comfortable with the T I'm with, but I don't feel all this transference or intense emotions towards my T. If I disagree with what she said, I just tell her.

So far she has given me some good suggestions & resources (have an appt. for an intake for a DBT group). With her help my communication with my husband has improved tremendously. I was very closed off & she gave me practice in how to express myself.

I just say don't settle for anyone who isn't meeting your needs, no matter if they are a Ph.D or M.D. Take responsibility for your healing in partnership with your providers.--Suzy

Therapy is work. It sounds like your T is taking you on the path you need. If you become overwhelmed, then share that with him too, and perhaps he will decide you need to slow down some.

Transference is a necessary element in most therapeutic relationships. It doesn't happen in short term usually, but only after trust is built.

Oh Miss! i am sorry love. These have been big steps for you lately... T trouble is the worst. Think back to the basic trusts you have with him. You care and he cares and everything else is gravy... keep the trust and (they tell me) everything else will work itself out.

be safe

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MissCharlotte said:
For some reason I felt even worse when he said this, as if I can't "do it right." (therapy)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I can relate to that. I sometimes worry about that too, if I am doing therapy right. All we have to go on is how we do it ourselves, we don't get to observe other people's sessions to know if we are in the range of doing therapy in the typical way or not. I think my T would answer that however we do therapy is right for us, there is no one right way. I think it sounds like you are doing just fine.

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I had a dream the other night about him calling me and telling me he would be hugging me occasionally if it was okay with me

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think it is really nice that he asked your permission.

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if I don't think I'm getting my money's worth, I'll go elsewhere

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It sounds to me like MissCharlotte is getting her money's worth. And then some!

Thanks GimmeIce and Onlymedid for the support &amp; hugs.

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Wow! That is an intense session, huh? I would be upset if I told him to shut up and he didn't!

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Yeah, but not nearly intense as some others. You don't know my T--He is at least as and probably far more stubborn than me. Grrrrrrrr

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I hate worrying if I've angered T

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You know what Sol? i think I just hate it if he seems angry. Period. Dang

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Okay, Miss. He will be hugging you occasionally? If you're going to dream, LOL, t

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Really, what a wussy dreamer I am. PS I told him about the dream today on the phone.

Thanks Kiya, Suzy Sky

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If you become overwhelmed

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Sky, there are no ifs here--I AM overwhelmed. Maybe slowing down is not a bad idea.
I will discuss this with him on Tuesday. I was thinking I needed a break from therapy altogether but I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
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Transference is a necessary element in most therapeutic relationships. It doesn't happen in short term usually, but only after trust is built.

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There is a huge transference going on here. What I am having a hard time with is holding onto myself during these moments. I completely "become" little again. When T tries to pull me back and point this out it feels to the "little me" like he is angry. Even though I know he's frustrated and that is what I hear I still get freaked out. Then it's a downward spiral.

Sigh.

Hi Suzy

My sessions were not always this intense. The relationship has grown and believe you me at this point the only way out is through.

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f I don't think I'm getting my money's worth, I'll go elsewhere.

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OH, I am surely getting my money's worth and then some. I don't think that a therapeutic relationship is about the T always agreeing with everything you say. Although at times I sure wish he weren't so damned stubborn and moody.

Peace

Not that the T agrees with me--I wouldn't be in therapy if I were right about everything. I'm very WRONG about many of my perceptions & beliefs--but I've had therapists who just seem to give me empathy & support because of my rough childhood. Well, I've been over that again & again--I want help in how to deal with the NOW. I need concrete, forward-thinking therapy--not looking back so much. Yeah, I do know it all is related, especially what triggers me--but I want to let go of all that stuff & live a quality life now. I'm 54. I deserve it, don't you think?

Anyway, there are so many different types of therapy as there are many different types of clients. I just say make sure you are getting quality care--you deserve the best & I don't ever worry about calling my T on off hours. That's what she's there for. I don't schedule my "melt downs" during office hours, unfortunately.--Suzy

Thanks Jello & Sunny,

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You care and he cares.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Sigh yes, he does! Doesn't he?

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really nice that he asked your permission.

Quote:
if I don't think I'm getting my money's worth, I'll go elsewhere

It sounds to me like MissCharlotte is getting her money's worth. And then some!

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Yeah that permission part was funny wasn't it? I spoke with him on the phone this morning for about 20 minutes or so. It was not an easy conversation but it was fruitful. I just kept telling him how I felt. Finally, I recaptured myself and I told him about the dream! I told him that I believe it represents a longing, desire for intimacy. Jeeze I can't believe I said that. Now I can never face him on Tuesday can I?

Yeah I get my money's worth....I used your line tooo (above)

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Don’t be surprised if your adolescent reminds you of your two year old because some of the same issues of identity, of "who am I?" are being worked out all over again. No longer children, not yet adults, not happy to be defined by family members, adolescence can be a lonely time for some.

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I found this in an article on child development that I was reading. I think it is my problem. I have figured out that the child within (self state, ego state whatever) who is so upset is in this age group. It was a time of emotional upheaval for me. How can I nurture her, love her and let her be with me while at the same time observe her and be my mature self? OMG it is so hard. This is the work of the integration. As far as I am concerned the only way out is through because I will never go through this again. Yesiree folks, a once in a lifetime opportunity, step right up!

Sigh

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Even though I know he's frustrated and that is what I hear

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Please do discuss this with him too, as even if he is frustrated, he needs to not show it. Working with this type of disorder is not for everyone. He may not realize that you are picking up on this. AND if he isn't frustrated, he needs to know that that is what you are sensing, like the "anger" your little is sensing too. Hopefully, it isn't what you feel.

Sky,

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Please do discuss this with him too, as even if he is frustrated, he needs to not show it

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Well, he told me that what I sensed as anger was probably his frustration. He told me this as a way to explain to me what I was picking up on.

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Hopefully, it isn't what you feel.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I'm not sure what you mean here?

Miss.. showing frustration is not wrong on his part, not categorically. There is not a simple black and white rule to that, just different viewpoints. We have had many threads about that, going back and forth endlessly.. all because there isn't anything black and white about it. You both know between you what works on that front, where the push becomes too much and where the pain is real but part of the process.... even as it hurts, you know?



i hate that part of the process... the pain.. i'd happily pay for uninterrupted T- glow! Screw this getting better nonsense hahaha

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You don't know my T--He is at least as and probably far more stubborn than me

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now.. you know this is prolly half the reason you love the guy... if he were a total roll over you'd be bored and irritated. A match of wits, intellect and well.. yeah, stubbornness is important IMO... which oftens sucks because we can't just make them change their minds. i told T i chose him in part bc i felt he could out-think me at times and i needed that or i would just play games whether i meant to or not. But having a hole poked in one's logic hurts.

we all have to sign on to be a little psychologically masochistic don't we?

hope today is a good day, love. you'll get through it.. One thing which sustains you even through all of the recent turmoil is that unwaivering belief that he cares.

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. A match of wits, intellect and well.. yeah, stubbornness is important IMO... which oftens sucks because we can't just make them change their minds. i

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OMG There is no way I could get him to change his mind...unless of course he was wrong....JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



Why do I fight with him so much?

maybe the "make up therapy" is worth it? jajajajaja