This is one of those moments where it feels like a choice has to be made between therapy and real life.

I've been in therapy for close to 2 years. This is my first time trying it and it's been very very hard and I've struggled a lot with it. But I do feel like it helps me learn things I haven't been able to learn up to this point on my own, and makes me a more well-rounded person. I think my T is very qualified, is a good match for me, and knows me well, and I really can't fathom starting over with someone new. I feel like I was so lucky to have found someone so good on this try, and that it would be highly unlikely that I'd find someone so good again.

So the problem: is it strange not to consider a job offer in a new city primarily because you would have to leave your therapy/therapist behind?

I don't know. Is that a sign that your priorities are off? Like, the point of therapy is to improve your life functioning/position, and in some ways, that would be holding yourself back for therapy instead. And for what? For a paid relationship, that will eventually end anyway. I already spend way too much energy thinking about therapy, instead of on more productive career enhancing activities.

All that said, I have always had trouble with breaks in therapy, and my T has said she feels like she's always on the edge of losing me. That is, I do struggle with not just walking away from therapy when I feel upset, I am sensitive to disruptions in our regular schedule, and I think I would feel a huge loss if I left. Moving would be the ultimate walking away...maybe the braver, bigger learning opportunity would be to stay and keep that "relationship" alive?

I really don't know what the sensible thing to feel here is...

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( notme ))))))))))))

I am not sure what I would do in that situation, I guess this would be a conversation to have with your t because you don't want to turn down a good job but at the same time you need to make sure that you are ready for the move, you wouldn't want to overload yourself. I am sending you some hugs.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by notme9

This is one of those moments where it feels like a choice has to be made between therapy and real life.

I've been in therapy for close to 2 years. This is my first time trying it and it's been very very hard and I've struggled a lot with it. But I do feel like it helps me learn things I haven't been able to learn up to this point on my own, and makes me a more well-rounded person. I think my T is very qualified, is a good match for me, and knows me well, and I really can't fathom starting over with someone new. I feel like I was so lucky to have found someone so good on this try, and that it would be highly unlikely that I'd find someone so good again.

So the problem: is it strange not to consider a job offer in a new city primarily because you would have to leave your therapy/therapist behind?

I don't know. Is that a sign that your priorities are off? Like, the point of therapy is to improve your life functioning/position, and in some ways, that would be holding yourself back for therapy instead. And for what? For a paid relationship, that will eventually end anyway. I already spend way too much energy thinking about therapy, instead of on more productive career enhancing activities.

All that said, I have always had trouble with breaks in therapy, and my T has said she feels like she's always on the edge of losing me. That is, I do struggle with not just walking away from therapy when I feel upset, I am sensitive to disruptions in our regular schedule, and I think I would feel a huge loss if I left. Moving would be the ultimate walking away...maybe the braver, bigger learning opportunity would be to stay and keep that "relationship" alive?

I really don't know what the sensible thing to feel here is...

Well, I've had a similar situation happen recently in considering to transfer to a new university, but I think I've decided to stay where I'm at for now. This might change in the future and that's okay.

Everything you said is definitely valid to be concerned about though. I think the sensible thing to "feel" as you mentioned, is exactly what you do feel. Nothing you have posted here is illogical in any way that I can see, and I value logic a good deal. My situation might be slightly different in that I don't have problems with breaks when my therapist goes on vacation or holidays come up or what have you.

However, in my situation, I'm leaning toward staying because of a couple of important reasons that I can't discount. One is that I don't have a job offer, but rather a consideration to transfer universities to a possibly better university closer to family. I don't live that far away from family though, so the family thing alone is not enough.

Secondly, there is no way of knowing if the quality of life would be better at the new university for me or not-- in fact, it might be worse. It's a gamble because there is no way of truly knowing unless I make the leap. I don't know if I am ready for the leap. Third, I like my location and it is very stressful for most people to move anyway. I would not be able to see my therapist very frequently as he would be a couple of hours away, and I'm afraid that I might have difficulty adjusting and need him during that time period. Then again, I might be fine. Fourth is that I have some support here in the way of my T and a couple of friends. It is also a comfortable and familiar environment in many ways. Five is the expense inherent in moving, although sometimes that is worthwhile and in the near future I will be able to afford it.

These are all things I discuss to some degree with my therapist, although only I will know if it is right for me or not. He can't really advise me on that as he is not in my shoes.

IMHO-- you do not sound ready to move, and I think that's quite alright. There isn't any right or wrong answer really, it's a situational thing and you can reserve the right to change your mind at any moment in the future.
FYI-- I don't consider the moving decision to be indicative of an unhealthy dependence on the therapist. Many factors are to be taken into account, and I think your considering those in the equation in the appropriate way.

There isn't anything to feel bad about in this situation either. Other employment opportunities will pop up if you decide to wait for a better time. Have you discussed this with your T as of yet?

[sunrise]

Jobs are so hard to find in my field that if I needed a job and had an offer in another city, I would have to do it, probably. Beggars can't be choosers. As it is, I will probably be losing my job at the end of the summer, so I may be facing this. I did turn down a job last year in another state, hoping my current one would pan out, but it hasn't. Still, I have been grateful for this year with T. I think I am at the point in therapy where I could leave and survive--not sure I could have said that a year or two ago (we have been together 2.5 years now).

I feel like I was so lucky to have found someone so good on this try, and that it would be highly unlikely that I'd find someone so good again.

I'm not so sure about this. I think once we've been in therapy a while, we have learned what works for us and if a practitioner can help us, if we get along with them, bond with them, etc. So I think finding a suitable T after we've had a good one may be easier than before we had the experience of working with the "right" T. For example, I go to see a family therapist every few weeks with my daughter. I really like him and think I would have done well in individual therapy with him if I didn't have my current T (who I consider the best ).

If you do have to move, maybe your current T could give you some suggestions on how to go about finding a new T that will work for you in the new city.

I hope you don't have to make that difficult choice. How strongly do you need to take the job offer in the other city? Are you unemployed right now, or is your current job on the chopping block? Whether it is need (I will be broke without this new job) or desire (even though I have a decent job, this new job would be interesting and pays 10% more than my old one) can also play into your decision.

Good luck!

Thanks, gimmieice.

Simcha, thanks for sharing your reasoning. No, I haven't discussed this with my T yet. What is she going to say really? As you say, I have to decide it for myself. It's my life and I'm the one who will suffer the consequences of my choices.

Being totally honest, I guess one thing I think about is whether I'm considering moving as a way of pushing therapy/my T away because I have felt upset at her lately. It's complicated. But I guess I feel like, it's a professional relationship, it will end at some point anyway, so why not end it now. And for a good reason - my career is a perfectly good thing to focus on.

But if I were doing it on some level to sort of get back at her, yes, I would agree with you that I wasn't ready/still had more to learn from our work together. I don't know. It's a difficult time for me in therapy right now, always feeling like walking away, so maybe that is playing a role.

Anyway, thanks for the support in my decision. It's nice to hear an outside perspective.

Sunrise, I appreciate your perspective on finding a new T. I think I remember you saying something similar in another post, about having the interaction with the new T you like. That is helpful to me to think about -- maybe it's not this one particular T that's so important, maybe I could find someone else to play a similar role in my life if I felt like it was helpful to me. On the other hand, I still think it will be rare to find really skilled, empathetic, person that I can connect with. And then it takes so much time for me to do so. I don't even know if I would consider trying it all out again with someone new in a different city.

Lots to think about. What's best for me and my future, since my life has to be about more than therapy. Luckily, it's not urgent, I have some time, I just need to figure out what my path should be. Thanks for the thoughts.

[MissCharlotte]

(notme9)

This is quite a dilemma. From what you said, it feels to me that you sense there is more to explore within your relationship with T. You seem conflicted about engaging in an attached relationship. So, it seems like unfinished business.

On the other hand, a job is a job is a job. Only you know whether this particular offer is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

In the for what it's worth category, I don't think there is anything wrong with being attached to your therapist. In fact, I think the best work of therapy is accomplished through the attachment. But I agree, the work of therapy should help you enhance your life.

Good luck with your decision.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

In the for what it's worth category, I don't think there is anything wrong with being attached to your therapist. In fact, I think the best work of therapy is accomplished through the attachment. But I agree, the work of therapy should help you enhance your life.

Thanks, MissCharlotte.

As you noted, I do struggle with this. Shouldn't I be conflicted in these circumstances? It's not a real, reciprocal relationship. It would be endlessly disappointing to completely attach and expect it to be otherwise. I feel like it's more like a game, a practice round. In exchange for payment, we'll both play certain roles, so that my reactions can be examined as they happen. The relationship/attachment is not the end result, not worth a big investment of my energy; it's just part of the process. Framed in this more limited way, it's much less engaging and much easier to walk away from.

[MissCharlotte]

It's not a real, reciprocal relationship.

I remember in one of my very early sessions, T looked at me and said, "This relationship is real." Now, just because he said it doesn't make it so but I had a lot of difficulty embracing this concept, because of the fear of getting hurt. In what way does it not feel reciprocal? The money? Yeah-I can get that but I have to figure that T has to make a living, this is his profession. I do believe he is emotionally invested in this relationship as well. The balance is askew but I do feel that unless I make that big investment of energy I won't get out of it what I need. In order to get what I need I have to take this risk. YIKES!

This is the hard stuff of therapy, Notme. You know what's best for you.

Originally Posted by notme9

It's not a real, reciprocal relationship.

(((((((((((((((notme9))))))))))))))))))

I struggled with this concept a lot earlier in therapy. How could this relationship be "real" when he sits there all week and does the same thing with 25 other people?? I hated it, because I was beginning to feel SO attached to him, and for what??

He tried to explain to me that it IS a "real" relationship. It's a different kind of relationship than we have out in the real world, but it is still REAL and TRUE. His saying that didn't really make me believe it, and it was hard for me to drop my defenses and let myself BE in the relationship...but now I know that it IS real. I can feel that is the truth.

It sounds like if nothing else, this job offer has opened up a lot of things to explore in therapy

[madisgram]

there are some good replies to your post. for me when i came to that decision making about leaving my t i was excited for the future but sad to leave him. i had had him for 10 years and he too was an excellent match for me. i did move and have never found the exact same realtionship with a t but did resolve to shop around until i found another T that i felt was a good match. it has worked for me.
i sense that you have benefitted a lot from your therapy and have grown from the experience. it may be just fine to take that new job. you sound like you are ready to take the next step in your newly found life. what ever you decide, i'm sure you will make a good decison based on your post. best wishes to you and keep us posted!