[sunrise]

I was inspired to post this because earthmama wrote in another thread about something her T said that depressed her and it reminded me of feeling that way too recently.

Last session, I had this little sobbing episode, again because of the grief that seems to go on forever about the breakup of my marriage. I am very happy that I am getting divorced, but these little grief moments still come on me from time to time. (It somehow seems wrong that although I want to get a divorce I can be sad about it too, although T corrects me on this.) I commented, after finishing crying, that "this seems to go on forever." "What does?" asked T. "The grieving," I said. And T responded, "you put your life into the marriage," as if to justify my grief-that-will-not-end. Wow, did that ever make me feel not good! Like, how depressing! Made me feel like I gave my life to the marriage, what a waste, now I'm left with nothing because I gave my life already. I know he didn't mean to imply those things, but that's how it hit me. All I said in response was "Yes."

Just wondering what depressing things other people's T's have told them...

it always depresses me when she looks at the clock at the end reminding me i'm just another sad depressed hopeless case

[Dinah]

My therapist has said that my situation with my mother is hopeless. That there is no good way to deal with it. And that he too had hoped that this day would not come.

If my therapist feels hopeless and depressed about an issue that doesn't even touch him personally, what chance do I have?

I'm not saying he's not right. He probably is. But this is one time when lying might not be so bad.

[Sherryanne]

I get sad/ depressed when she reminds me of my abuse as a child. I dont like to think about it and I avoid the topic. So whenever she says it. its a big downer.

[Perna]

I think we're supposed to give ourselves/lives to things that are important to us? One grieves when a close person dies because of the part of ourselves we've "invested" in that relationship/other person and we have to get that "back" so we can invest it elsewhere. There's nothing wrong that you invested yourself/life in your marriage, Sunny!

My T commented, 6-8 years ago that she felt I was, "kind but critical," and I mostly heard the "but critical" in a negative way (I'm also very discerning, the positive side of "critical": having or revealing keen insight and good judgment; "a discerning critic"; "a discerning reader" from http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=discerning ) and had a heck of a time getting past that to a more balanced approach and/or realizing I don't have to stay "stuck" there if I don't want to.

[HALLIEBETH87]

i hate when she finds things in my life that somehow take her back to the fact i was abused as a child. not EVERYTHING has to do with that.

and when she takes what i say and flip it around to say something she thinks i need to talk about

[Kiya]

"I will be out of the office next week"

"You are our resident expert on DID"

"You are your own primary abuser now"

(MD) "Hmmmmm, no place you can go to give your mind a rest...."

(MD) "Is it [your mother] that is driving you crazy??"

(MD) "No...don't switch; I want you to stay here." (since we didn't know "who" i was or "who" i might switch into, all took offense).

He says:

"find another alter... who can work with me"..

the putzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

[anna342]

"You're not fine"
"You've got a long way to go still"

I'm sure there are many more, but I can't think right now.

I want to keep my personal/professional life seperate, so no, you cannot have my home phone number (even in emergencies).

Stab me in the heart T. Just stab me in the heart.

[MissCharlotte]

Well, here are my least favorite things to hear:

It's time to stop.

You're filled with shame.

I'm going on vacation for two weeks.

What do you need right now?

(The question doesn't depress me, but I get depressed when I don't know the answer to this question.)

[skeksi]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What do you need right now?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Dear god, yes, I HATE this one!

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
skeksi said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What do you need right now?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Dear god, yes, I HATE this one!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

SAME!!!! Not knowing the answer!!!!

oh and "You're farm more normal than you have any right to be". ... and it's cousin... "You look fine. You seem to have all this turmoil and chaos on the inside, but on the outside you look fine. -How can this be?"

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
skeksi said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What do you need right now?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Dear god, yes, I HATE this one!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I love that question! It makes me feel deeply cared for that he wants to know and fill my needs (if he can). It also makes me slow down, be silent, "listen" to my insides, and "hear" what it is I need to heal. I wish he would ask me this more. It is certainly not always easy to answer, but it warms my insides to hear him say it. Sometimes it can turn around a conversation or a therapy session when he asks this.

It's interesting that some people are reporting things they hate to hear, that irritate them, etc. For me those things are really different from something that depresses me to hear, but I realize others may be different.

[skeksi]

I think you're right earthmama, it is a good and caring question. I just hate it because I have yet to be able to answer it, which makes me feel adrift and even more alone somehow. I like your perspective, though.

[Lemon]

I hate it when she asks me when I want my next apt to be. I want her to decide that because I still have a hard time asking for what I want and lots of times don't even know what I want. I keep thinking there is a right answer to that question when I know she is just leaving it up to me.

[splitimage]

After seeing my score in on the dissociative experiences index scale my T said "I'm surprised you're functioning." I was working full time and going to grad school at the same time.

My pdoc reminding me that I really do need specialist psych care because my case is "complex" everytime I suggest that perhaps my family dr. could take over handling my meds. Just reinforces how nuts I feel.

T never asks me what i need right now.

what he says that depresses me....

we've talked about this too many times

Hello ((((Sunny)))))),
Let's see. Things that T says that depresses me:

1) I really dislike it when T says, "I'm just not saying what you want to hear." [I'm not filling his feedbucket with 120 bucks for him not to say what I want to hear. ?] Anyway, I hate that response.

2) Of course, the ole' dreaded "I'll have to let you go.

I'm sure there are more, just none at the moment.

[pachyderm]

> What do you need right now?

[Kiya]

or rather what t ISN'T saying.....
as in t didn't call

[Toniella]

I'm actually have a very important meeting right now, I'm so sorry, but can this wait?

I always say yes, even though it's not always what I need to say...

[chaotic13]

Well YEAH, it is very harmful for your children!
I thought I was at rock bottom when I went to my first visit--NOT
There have been a view other remarks since then, but that was the most difficult to recover from.

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sunrise said:
And T responded, "you put your life into the marriage," as if to justify my grief-that-will-not-end. Wow, did that ever make me feel not good! Like, how depressing! Made me feel like I gave my life to the marriage, what a waste, now I'm left with nothing because I gave my life already. I know he didn't mean to imply those things, but that's how it hit me. All I said in response was "Yes."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm too tired to think of depressing things right now (what a surprise for me, lol), but I did want to comment on your post. I just wanted to say that validation can be really depressing at times, and we can learn a lot about ourselves by the feelings that we project into those validations. Like you said, you know your T didn't mean to imply those things, but that's how you interpreted it on your own level. I think what your T said was incredibly validation, but also a big hit of reality for you-- so it ends up being depressing.

I am wondering why you chose to only reply with "yes" instead of talking about the interpretation of your feelings. Will you bring this up to your T? I think it is quite valuable to talk about the things that came up for you, as a result of his statement.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
I am wondering why you chose to only reply with "yes" instead of talking about the interpretation of your feelings. Will you bring this up to your T? I think it is quite valuable to talk about the things that came up for you, as a result of his statement.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Thanks, Pink. I think I said "yes," because on one level I knew he was right, and wanted to let him know that at least on some level I did agree and understand what he had just said. I didn't choose to explore my feelings perhaps because the predominant one was sadness and I had just been crying/sobbing over this other sad thing and had moved through that and didn't feel up to going into more sadness/crying. It was too much. I also know that this might lead in another direction, to reassurances from T that it was not a waste, I had a lot in front of me if I chose to, etc. I have heard some of this from him before (he's a human potential guy), and it wasn't the direction I wanted therapy to go in at that moment because I had other stuff to get to and the clock was ticking. Today I see him again and maybe we will return to this. He says that it takes as long to rebuild as it does to divorce (meaning more than just the legal process) so at some point in the future we will turn to working on the rebuilding--uncovering my potential, helping me define my goals, and taking the next steps to achieving them.