Tolerating feelings

I'm not really sure where to put this post.

How do we learn to tolerate feelings? I learned quickly as a young child not to feel, anything, ever...and as soon as I could as a teenager I numbed myself with alcohol and drugs and later cigarettes and an eating disorder. All of those things are falling away - most recently the nicotine (a few weeks ago - I'd been using the stupid nicotine gum for YEARS and I'm off it now) and the eating d/o stuff (just in the past 10 days). I started T about 8 months ago, and it's probably the first time I've really had to feel my feelings. Not there in the office, usually, where he could help me, but on the days in between when I'm at home processing the stuff. It's the usual therapy story - things I've never told anyone before are now out in the open, the transference is beyond painful, the old feelings are finally being felt, it hurts, it's too much.

So, I've been up since 4am today. I've been cleaning to keep myself busy, and my 3 boys are here of course....we're going to run errands for a little while. I'm trying to stay busy, but this underlying anxiety is almost overwhelming me. I feel like I'm working so hard, but I can't get away from it. Time is just crawling by. I really don't want to drink, or b/p, or whatever to make it through the day, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to make it.

Can someone give me some tips on tolerating feelings? I would be so grateful.

I'm not sure what you're asking, sounds like you feel fine :-) but don't like the way you have coped with things in the past and the anxiety.

One thing that helped me was when my therapist finally got through to me that feelings come and go, if you don't like what you feel now, wait 10 minutes (or hours, days, etc.) and, like weather, it will change. Usually, acknowledging how one feels instead of trying to run from it works better for me. Admit you're anxious and want a drink, smoke, whatever, and the gig will be up on your anxiety trying to make you see it. It's like agreeing with obnoxious people; if you keep saying "yes" or "I see," they have to eventually quit yapping at you because you "agree" with them so they have no argument anymore.

On another board there was a woman whose husband was saying things like, "you're on a diet but there you were grazing" and I told her to just say something like, "Yup, and it was good!" If you know what you're trying to do in your own mind and have your own plan (constant grazing is probably better for her instead of eating big meals AND grazing) then other people and feelings can't sidetrack you as easily. I asked her if she'd mind while driving to the grocery store to shop with her husband if he said, "You went to the store last week and here you are going again".

Check in with yourself every now and then instead of running all the time so you don't know where you "are." Acknowledge you're anxious and then take that to the logical extreme. . . so what? It's just a feeling, not something you're "doing" wrong. It's just information. This is new, hard, and scary for you! (that's the information) Give yourself a pat on the back and think of something saucy to say to your anxiety that will make you smile, "You want a piece of me too?"

Mmm... trouble is that flipping anxiety can mask all other feelings. Sometimes it's helpful to write things down to work out what the true feeling is underneath that anxiety.

As far as I can see you are doing all the right things with trying distractions to get through this. You could try some relaxation, even though you don't feel like doing that, it can be beneficial to take 20 minutes of time, lay down and tense and release each muscle in the body.

Breathing techniques can help with anxiety, put your hand on your stomach and breathe deeply in, counting to two and then breathe out the same way, for ten minutes. If your breathing is really to pot a paper bag is helpful, breathing into it steadily.

I know this stinks but give yourself a pat on the back for coping!

(((((((((( earthmama )))))))))

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pegasus said:
anxiety can mask all other feelings.


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Yeah, I think this is the trouble. I'm just running and running and running trying to avoid....something. Some feeling. I don't even want to know what it is. I'm scared of it, scared it will be too big for me to handle. But the running and the anxiety are so hard too. I guess that's why it's so tempting to do something unhealthy. Then I won't be running/anxious OR feeling anything.

I did try writing a bit yesterday. There's a lot of grief, and a lot of rage. At least that's what I think they are. And I'm scared of them.

Thanks, Perna and Pegasus for responding. I will try to be still for 20 minutes later.

But I'm scared.

Focus on it, look at it straight on, for as long as you can. Practicing this for a time will make it easier after a while. It's something new. Give yourself room and accept that it will be hard for a while.

All familiar and comfortable things began as unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

yeah i think sitting with it..... there's a good thread on this in self injury. Granted, it talks about getting through the urge to harm, but I bet they are closely related. Might wanna check it out.
I had to do some sitting this past week - it is hard - but it means not running from it and letting each wave break over you and knowing you won't die from it.

Hugs!!!!

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earthmama said:
How do we learn to tolerate feelings?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I don't know. I was not allowed as a child to have feelings so got really good at not even knowing I had any. I have been discovering, through therapy, that I really do have feelings. It's very painful. And I still am really bad at recognizing when I am actually feeling something. It might occur to me hours or days later. And when I do recognize it right away, it feels intolerable. Sometimes if I am sufficiently self aware, I will try to get myself to stick with the feeling, and just experience it. It's hard, but the feelings don't go away if I don't allow myself to feel them, they just get stuffed inside and then need to be uncovered through therapy. Ugghh. So I am trying when I can to let myself feel stuff and not run away from it. I am not skilled at this at all... I think it helps me to say silently to myself when I am feeling something, "it's OK to be sad," or "it's OK to be angry," or even, "it's OK to smile and let others know you are happy." I need someone to tell me it is OK to feel because I have internalized my parents wishes that I not feel. So I try to fill this role myself and give myself permission to feel when I think I am feeling something. It helps sometimes.

(((((earthmama)))))

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earthmama said:

I'm not really sure where to put this post.

How do we learn to tolerate feelings? I learned quickly as a young child not to feel, anything, ever...and as soon as I could as a teenager I numbed myself with alcohol and drugs and later cigarettes and an eating disorder. All of those things are falling away - most recently the nicotine (a few weeks ago - I'd been using the stupid nicotine gum for YEARS and I'm off it now) and the eating d/o stuff (just in the past 10 days). I started T about 8 months ago, and it's probably the first time I've really had to feel my feelings. Not there in the office, usually, where he could help me, but on the days in between when I'm at home processing the stuff. It's the usual therapy story - things I've never told anyone before are now out in the open, the transference is beyond painful, the old feelings are finally being felt, it hurts, it's too much.

So, I've been up since 4am today. I've been cleaning to keep myself busy, and my 3 boys are here of course....we're going to run errands for a little while. I'm trying to stay busy, but this underlying anxiety is almost overwhelming me. I feel like I'm working so hard, but I can't get away from it. Time is just crawling by. I really don't want to drink, or b/p, or whatever to make it through the day, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to make it.

Can someone give me some tips on tolerating feelings? I would be so grateful.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Earthmama !
Your going to make it, I know you are. It is so difficult to tolerate feelings of distress when you've had to repress them for so long. I was never allowed to talk about anything when I was a kid either, or to feel anything, and as a result I became very angry for a long time.
Every now and then, I journal my feelings, and it does actually help. If I ever felt like I might do something that would be bad for me, I'd call anyone and everyone I could think of, including my T. Maybe you should call your T? Is there someone else you could call?