[Kiya]

that's it. game over. no overtime. no second innings.

MD spoke with T about the housing... T went back into traditional methods of setting a plan, make a date to move, have goals.
if any of that had worked the first thousand times i had tried, i wouldn't still be living here.
Started feeling suicidal again, knowing that i shouldn't have felt that upswing of hope - no counting the chickens before they're hatched.
Today sealed my fate - I know i'll still be living in this house come August...and Sept.... I feel i'll never get out unless i leave everything behind for good.
I started crying - but held it in - didn't want to tell t i was thinking suicide again.
at the end of the session, tho, i finally answered THE question - that one some love, some hate... "What do you need right now?" I said I needed to know that she wasn't frustrated with me. She confirmed that she is not. "are you disgusted with me" would have been my other question if she'd left me time to say it. i really started crying (with that whole throat tightening thing?) trying to keep it all back, swallow it away. i can't escape this prison. i'm too well trained and obedient. Me - the bird who always thought i had the power to get out of this cage if the door ever opened, awoke to find my wings have been clipped.

[kim_johnson]

hey.

i'm not sure i understand the situation... you are living with your mother? do you have the financial means to move out? do you have friends or anything like that who you can move in with / set up a flat with?

can you explain a little more to help me understand?

hang in there... there might have been factors that resulted in your not moving before that can be worked through this time round. maybe you have some ambivalences about moving. it is scary... i hate moving... scary...

hang in there... keep talking to us.

[sunrise]

(((((Kiya)))))

I am sorry you feel hopeless now.

Do you know why a few days ago you felt hope that you could do this when you were with your MD? What did T say to change things for you so that you felt disempowered? Can you hold on to whatever MD said that empowered you?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
T went back into traditional methods of setting a plan, make a date to move, have goals.
if any of that had worked the first thousand times i had tried, i wouldn't still be living here.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Can you tell her why this approach doesn't work and what will work for you? She needs to know in order to help you.

Kiya, you can do this. You are important. You have resources. Your T and MD are with you. You can move out and live on your own.

[Kiya]

=(
yes, i live with her.
no, i don't have the finances, skills or emotional health yet to move out.
yes i REALLY want out; she's not emotionally healthy, she's one of my abusers.... my former post "needing to but not calling" details the situation (moreso almost than i probably should have).
No - no friends with a space open (they all have roommates).
No family.
yes to ambivalences (and yes to lots of alters) - bring on the fun....
MD talked with such gusto I had almost hoped there was a way to be out by the end of summer.
T talked like maybe in 6 months to a year I could have a plan that will work.

sooooooo done with everything.

[MissCharlotte]

(((Kiya)))

I am so sorry you are feeling so crappy. You need a survival plan.

Can you change the way you look at your situation? Get that little girl inside to embrace her magical thinking. (There are benefits to acknowledging the inner child...) Maybe you can think of your home simply as the place that you sleep. Period. Begin spending as much time as possible OUT of the house. Go to the library during the day and spend more time in the community.

So, while the inner child is helping you survive, it's time for the adult to step up. I think Sunny has a good idea. Tell T that you need to look at the idea of moving in a different light (whatever light that is for you). It sound like the whole "traditional" prospect of goals, etc. feels overwhelming to you. If that's the case you need to break it down into smaller, more manageable chunks. Don't think of each step as the OMG I am moving piece. Think of each step as a goal in and of itself and maybe it won't feel so huge and overpowering.

Keep talking to us.

Peace

((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry T overwhelmed you. Some people like making lists, formulating plants, etc - maybe T is that way, and maybe that would work for other clients, but not for YOU. I hope, as someone said above, you'll let her know that instead of feeling helpful, it felt overwhelming.

Just *thinking* about making a change is a step towards making a change. You are doing so many amazing things right now, and they are all part of the path out. Don't give up hope.

When I first started AA a few years ago, I was SO overwhelmed when I looked at the big picture - not being able to drink at the holidays, next summer, at my kids' weddings decades from now. It was enough to make me want to give up. But when I just looked at what was right in front of me - that day, that hour - it felt manageable and I could breathe. This feels like that to me. The big picture is too much, but focusing on the small steps you can do today will eventually get you where you need and deserve to be.

(((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))) You are doing great. Don't give up.

[MINIME]

Can u move to a group home? Not sure how u feel about that just asking. Im sorry u feel hopless. Hold on tight. ((hug))

[Kiya]

thanks everyone - trying to hold myself together. going to an intake apnt about housing (maybe section 8, i dunno). am nervous.

i do like the idea of smaller pieces. seems like t said something like that, too - but i was too overwhelmed to hear it. because that translated to "this is going to take too long = this will never work."

breathing... trying. I was crying last night and my cat did the cutest thing (he hates it when i cry). We were on my bed and i covered my face with my arm. Well, he peaked under my arm to look at me, and put his chin on the bed so he could keep eye contact with me. Then tried nudging me to come out. So i pet him and when the overwhelm was too much again, i covered my face. Well, he turned his head upside down to look in at me, then started kneeding his paw so that it just touched my nose. It is truly the cutest, sweetest thing he has *ever* done. It touched my heart.

[skeksi]

Isn't our connection with pets amazing? I'm glad your cat could give your some comfort when you were hurting so bad.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
because that translated to "this is going to take too long = this will never work."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I get this. The fear gets to be too much when it takes a long time for something to happen. Because the whole time, your anxiety level is constantly increasing. Maybe that's something else to discuss with T, ways to manage your emotions while you go through the steps for this thing to happen.

I am a listy person, so it helps me to write all the steps in a big decision down and cross them off as I accomplish them. Sometimes I even make separate sub-lists! I do this because it is a way to manage my anxiety, to remember that I *am* accomplishing steps towards my goal. That may not work for you. Perhaps marking in some way each task that you accomplish (and how hard it was) will help make it seem less never-ending?

(((((Kiya)))))),
I'm so sorry things aren't going well for you! I'm feeling a bit hopeless myself, so you're not alone there. Know that you will find peace at the end of this journey Love ya'

[Kiya]

(((((((Skeksi, Soliaree))))))))
thanks for the input. I keep losing my lists. Maybe t needs to keep them for me (or a version of one).

I went to that needs assessment for housing - the guy was nice, but *totally* clueless. A waste of time. T said he'd be doing intake forms - then he asked me "are you here for mindfulness?". Hunh?!

Soliaree, I'm sorry you're struggling, too =(

I just met another dr i am going to be working with - me; the gal horrorifically afraid of dr's is now joyfully working with three. 3!!! I really like the lady i met today - such a healing presence. She's doing body work and was very thorough in her questions. Needless to say by the time we started, she said "Did you have a lot of trauma in your life'?. Hmmm... which gave it away? The leg and head pain starting at age 7, the fact that i can't give any details of my life because i don't remember them, my saying i lose time, or the fact that i freaked upon exam? *grin*. She also asked about depression and anxiety and then if i've ever harmed myself. I explained about the self injury - i didn't expalin about suicide idation or that i've been sliding again in that direction. I just want to lay low on that count for a while. Anyway, she's very caring and i think we'll work well together.

ok... enough updates, panic, anxiety..... hope everyone is still in there.

[Kiya]

[Mouse_]

((Kiya))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((KIYA)))))))))))))))))))
I know you will find a way! It make take time, but you will find an answer Love ya'!

[Kiya]

(((((((mouse, fuzzy, soliaree))))))))))

thanks.

[Kiya]

Yes -it was because I know MD to be a Doer. While T is a Thinker. I felt that change would really happen if I told MD. She's firey and lively and gets things done - and her word is a command. I felt scared about it, but was sure it would happen.

But she gave it over to T - who, as you know thought about it and said let's plan.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:Do you know why a few days ago you felt hope that you could do this when you were with your MD? What did T say to change things for you so that you felt disempowered? Can you hold on to whatever MD said that empowered you?

Can you tell her why this approach doesn't work and what will work for you? She needs to know in order to help you.

Kiya, you can do this. You are important. You have resources. Your T and MD are with you. You can move out and live on your own.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't know that I can tell T that. But I did tell MD that sort of. Have not heard back from MD - didn't expect to.
I hope you are right Sunrise - I am going to lean on that belief for a bit.