[clarityknot]

Hi,

I suffered from depression and anxiety for many years. I have seen a number of therapists off and on for a number of years. I have done pretty much all therapies from CBT to psychoanalysis to energy psychology. They each had their strengths and weaknesses. I even studied psychology at uni. In the end, I sort of found my own way of coping with my problems. I discovered a lot of my panick attacks and migraines had to do with my diet and liquid intake. I learned slowly to find the triggers and work around them or avoid them. I finally reached a point in my life where I no longer suffered from panic attacks or depression or general anxiety.

Thing is the battle left its scars. I am overweight. I lost my femininity. I developed a shyness around people. I am terrified of returning to work. I went from feeling like a big fuzzy cloud of terror and confusion to having a set of issues relating to getting on with my life after mental health issues.

So, I thought to myself, I could use the help and the accountability I would get from going to a therapist. Someone to talk about my weight issues and to challenge me and keep me motivated. I have gone to one therapist but I didn't like her. I ought to go back to the doctor and ask for a new referral but I don't seem to be able to become motivated. I can't help it, after years of therapies and therapists, I just can't be bothered getting back into 'the game'. I can't be bothered telling another therapist my history, or trying to force myself to talk about 'my issues'. To tell the truth, I don't want to hear my own crap anymore. I am sick of rehashing old feelings which are still there but I just don't want to deal with anymore.

I don't know, maybe I don't trust people anymore. Most of those therapists did nothing from me but collect money. I helped me. I used a few things they told me, sure, but really when you tell someone your stuff, they automatically feel like they get you and can advise you what to do, like they are living in your skin. That is why I didn't like the last therapist. I told her my situation, how I wanted to lose weight, but she also wanted to know about my life. I am taking care of a lot of people and I am something of a doormat. Well, she was all over me. I had to stand up for myself and say no, I had to change things, etc. She was sooo gunho that it freaked me out. I have two elderly and disabled parents, I can't say no to them. I have a sister who sucks at taking responsibility, I can't say no to her either, not because of her but because I am raising her two children. If I say no to her, she takes it out on the kids and she may get so defensive that she will take the kids and leave. I'm the only stability those children have.

Meanwhile, the doctors are telling me I am going to drop dead if I don't lose the weight. I don't mind dropping dead, hey I spent most of my life wanting that, so it doesn't freak me out. The problem is that I have to stay alive long enough for those children to at least get into their late teens which is another ten years away. I don't mind going after that. My parents will have died by then. I don't have anything to live for after that. I don't have kids of my own and no partner. I am not planning on suiciding but with my weight, without my meds, my heart will give out.

Gosh, I know that is depressing, but I don't feel depressed. I am functioning okay, I laugh, play, I enjoy being around people, etc. So I am not depressed. Considering the difficulties I have and have had, I think it is a pretty good outcome solution. Of course, there is always the possibility that some fool will come by and fall in love with me and ruin my plan. But I am not sure I believe in miracles. Judging from my life, I am pretty confident, it isn't going to happen.

Sorry, this is so long, I'm venting, I suppose.

Anyway, I don't want to go to therapy, I don't think it can do anything for me. I feel like I am beyond help now. I can't seem to change anything about myself. I am coping so why go back.

I don't know. I don't know. Part of me feels like I need to go and part of me is thinking run for the hills.

If you have managed to read up to this point, what do you think? I'm in my 40s, am I getting a little too old or too over it, to go back again? Just the fact that I am fed up with the idea of going back to a therapist might be an indication that it won't be successful. One ought to be motivated to change?

Clarity.

[(JD)]

It does sound like you need a tune-up from some good therapy, doesn't it?
You've given a few keys to that in your post.
One way to know is that feeling you need to be in therapy, yet wanting to run the other way.

Best to go ahead and do it... you won't be any better if you don't, you know?
Don't assume you have to go through all your issues from before. If you truly worked through them, it won't take
much to calm them back down.

[sunrise]

clarity, I think therapy could help. But you have to want to go in order for it to be beneficial.

If not therapy, maybe you could use a Life Coach? Or both?! These are people who help motivate you to do practical things in your life and achieve concrete goals. They are not therapists and do not delve into your past issues, mental health, etc. They can help people with issues like getting the house cleaned up and ready for sale, losing weight, overcoming barriers to seeking a new job, getting out more and making new friends--whatever is your concrete goal. I have a friend who used a Life Coach to help her move from one part of the country to another, something she wanted to do but was stuck on because all that it entailed was overwhelming. With the coach's help, she was able to achieve this goal. Life coaches do not charge as much per hour as therapists, but they are also not reimbursable by insurance. (They are not medical professionals.)

Good luck, and welcome to PC.

[Simcha]

Hi Clarity

You are never too old for therapy... and by the way, being in your 40's isn't anywhere near old.

Perhaps a part of the issue is that you didn't stay with any one therapist for very long, and perhaps you didn't have a good match of a therapist either. I suspect that if you would have had an effective therapist who was a good match with your personality, then you wouldn't have felt the need to switch around so much.

On the other hand, you might have ended therapy with each therapist prematurely, prior to revealing what you might have thought was too much, avoiding speaking about the painful issues that had plagued you as a defense mechanism. I'm just taking stabs in the dark here, and I might be totally missing the mark.

Have you considered any self-help books? I read a good book called "Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You" by Patricia Evans. It's about all kinds of control issues that people have--- like you mentioned your sister. It seems on the surface that your sister uses you to take care of her kids so that she can avoid responsibility. She knows that you won't say no to her when she wants something. Your sister exhibits controlling behavior. Perhaps your parents do as well so that you will be their caretaker? Perhaps others also goad you into taking care of your parents so that they don't have to?

I'm just making my best guesses with the information you provided, and it doesn't mean I'm right about anything.

I would suggest child protective services be called on your sister if she is abusing and/or neglecting them (when and if she takes the kids from you).

One thing's for sure-you have a lot of complicated issues going on, and I think if you found the right therapist and stuck it out awhile, you will get better. You might do well on medication too, and that is something the therapist can help you make a decision on.

[kim_johnson]

therapy is one thing... a relationship with a therapist who you can connect with can be quite another. can be hard to find those... really very hard... sometimes the key to change is acceptance. if someone can accept you *as* you are and *for who you are* then maybe you can accept yourself too. and then you will find yourself starting to care for yourself quite genuinely and naturally. the 'change change change' thing can recapitulate all those circumstances in our lives where people have tried to tell us what to do and tried to manipulate us into doing things that we didn't want to do or that we were ambivalent about.

if you are anything like me then the more people tell you to stop doing something (e.g., smoking, biting your nails, eating unhealthy food) the more i... really have to do it. and the more i hate myself... but the more i persist... and it isn't so nice. it is like... on some level i really hate myself and am trying to kill myself slowly... and i want to want to stop doing that but i don't really know how. sometimes... we really need to discover some acceptance and compassion and caring and kindness for ourself. and learn how to express that in healthy ways (doing things for ourself that feel good and that are good for us - can take time to figure those out and a therapist really can help). i just mean to say... that maybe instead of having a 'hard nosed' person who tries to 'pull your behavior into line' maybe you would be better off with someone who is genuinely caring who can show you how to care for yourself such that you are empowered to do what you most want to do.

sometimes... ya gotta see 10 or 12 or 14 therapists before you find a person who you feel some kind of empathetic and caring connection with (or where the potential for that seems to be there). the trouble is... that if we were robust enough to deal with seeing people who we were really misattuned with then we probably wouldn't need therapy in the first place! it is really hard... but worth a try methinks...

perhaps...

[pegasus]

Hello clarityknot, sounds like you kind of had therapy imposed on you rather than having a therapist working with you.

I detect an underlying sadness in your writing. Living for the sake of the children is one way of getting through life but it's not ideal and there needs to be more to life than that. You deserve more than that surely?

As you probably already know weight issues can often stem from sadness, food acting as a comfort, or something we can control and then not. Quite often a psychological thing going on behind it.

I also understand the, well I'm 40 and too old feeling, what's the point and all that, apparentely life begins at 40... so why not have a go?

[struggling931]

It sounds like you think your main problem (in *and* out of therapy) is a lack of assertiveness…is there some kind of assertiveness training course near where you live, or a life coach who specializes in helping people become more assertive?

[SpottedOwl]

((((clarityknot))))

Wow, I am impressed -- your ability to self-heal and analyze is amazing, and proof of your own personal power.

If you helped you before, then you can help yourself now. That doesn't mean you have to do this alone, but rather believe in your own abilities and yourself.

A few thoughts for you - feel free to accept or discard them:

Try reading your post, as if it were written by someone else.
What advice would you give that person?
What first step could that person take?
What area of therapy would you recommend that person look into?
Are there things other than paying therapy that person could do?

Aside from traditional therapy, I might suggest starting an exercise program. Find a buddy if you can, or a journal where you can keep yourself accountable. Take it one day at a time, and keep it simple. There is no need for expensive trainers, just get that heart pumping.

There is a lot of new research into exercise and neurobiology that I've been reading about. When I read that aerobic activity has been proven to grow integrative parts of the brain -- that got me motivated. After years of trying to make an exercise program work, that somehow did it.

I'm one month into my new program (30 min, 3x/week with a DVD workout at home), and I'm feeling better and more energetic.

One final tidbit:
What is the difference between surviving and thriving?
(You said you're functioning, and it sounds like you're doing a great job. Maybe a part of you wants to 'Thrive'?)


Owl

[Perna]

I'm having a lot of success losing the weight I picked up going to therapy :-) at http://www.sparkpeople.com. It's free and works with weight loss, exercise/fitness, and lifestyle. It's a fun place and I've lost 15-20 pounds in the last couple months there. Needless to say, my doctor is pleased and a lot of my chronic conditions are getting better. Therapy is not the answer to all questions :-)