Update on my life and Docs....

Doctor's appointment

Well... i think they were both ok. I dissociated a bit.... but I lucked out - MD didn't ask to see my SI …*whew* - that is a first!!! She’s always made me show her and grabbed my arm to see better. I gave her the note that talked about the alter drinking and she asked if we still were. I told her this is day 2 (of not drinking) when really it is day 3 …ooops. Oh well – it was accepted and not questioned further. I also told her I had increased my Lexapro dose which was fine. (thanks to those who have been supporting me through all this!!!)

Housing
My housing situation is deteriorating quickly financially for several reasons but I am not allowed to post about them. I've been trying to get mom to see this reality for ages… However, in my eyes (as in my Dr’s) this could be a good thing.
Financially a decision has to be made by mom in the next 15 days (30 if she wants another late fee). I asked permission to talk about this situation with my MD and mom grudgingly let me. So the cat is out of the bag. I am trying to get her resources that she will need and I told her of the plan to move me. I honestly didn't think we'd get this far in the year with the housing thing. We were on borrowed time a year ago.

TELLING MOM
The plan – I wrote this out so I wouldn’t mess it up.
“MD and T have been talking for the past year about me moving out – of course, as all my t’s have – and have decided that this change can be a good thing for me and you.

They want me to move out because I have told them some about the house and how we live and they feel I cannot get healthy until I move out. Which we know to be true already.
So while I am getting resources for you I am also supposed to get resources for me and work with the housing advocate to move out. She knows all the ins and outs of the system and is a great resource. So she will be emailing me later today (tho I have not seen it yet at 6pm) with ways for you to proceed and my dr’s are all now working with her to help me proceed. Besides, you can get more help if I am not contributing.”
Then I figured that after this either the house will come crashing down around us in a MOMstorm or.... there will be deadly calm…
My housing advocate asked me today if i was safe to do this... hehe. I laughed and said safe was never an option.... it was just a matter of when because after this i will have to put up with mom nagging me all the time and trying to talk me out of it.

I did gather my courage – imagining I was crawling into Bene's armor. I had him with me all morning and held on to him at the osteopath’s again – REALLY helps the lil’s. Today was kinda triggering and scary at one point.

Anyway, after all was said, mom went into depression,,,, but i think we may just survive this. mom's totally changing her story now - saying we're not going to get evicted now… i never know where she stands - she said that my thinking that we would is ridiculous and that i should have never told anyone that... and went into the whole thing about what will happen to her if i move....so! at least my part is out - mom won't take action, like i knew.

She is in the titanic and has made me captain *sigh*.... batten down the hatches - hurricane a commin…man the port bows! i am remaining happy about it though which is new. Yay! Even tho all hell could break loose.

I think I get 2 gold stars for this!!

Again mom is going back with questions and changing more of the story - arugh - magic thinking r us. she totally thought i would fix this today - where's my cap'n hat? With a really big feather! i wore my pirate shirt today =) It has a sword on it and says "At World's End" on the sleeve. Lol More Power to me. mom doesn't want the help at all and is pissed that i am moving out. She keeps saying "I didn't mean for you to tell them we're going to be evicted in 30 days!!! Why would you say something like that?" “Because you told me to drill sergeant!”
i told her that all my MDs and Ts have talked about it and wanted me to move for the past 4 years and that we’ve established "I cannot heal unless I move out." sooooooooooooooo it wasn't too big a shock (for me).
She still thinks she's going to pay the house on 15 hours a week at $9 an hour
Oy - i've never seen the eyes that are looking at me.... from mom. i don't recognize them at all – they are wide and round with fear. Please someone tell me I did not betray this woman!!

On the upside, I finally got one of my really important mood supplements - tyrosine (spray) – and thankfully works quickly. Like this morning, I totally broke down crying in yoga.... cried through the whole class. But then I got the spray at 10:30 and took it and was fine in my next dr apt. Took the next dose at 12:30 and have been chipper and humming. And a durn good thing since I need to keep my wits about me when I got home. And at 4 hours later, mom is following me around from room to room. The former clinginess just got increased 10 fold. Hmmmmmmm who saw this coming??? Oh yeah – I did. If you are still with me – thanks for reading this VERY long post!!!
Kiya

(((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))

WOOT! for you and FOUR gold stars!

I hope moving out and all that stuff works out for you, I understand how sometimes living with families and some others is really not a good thing for us. So good for you for taking a positive self-care step!

You are not betraying your mother. It might seem like that, and some people can manipulate situations to make themselves look more hurt or victimized than they really are. Your mom might not like whats going to happen, but it's good for you - and that's what parents are supposed to do - let good things happen for their kids. Even if it hurts them a bit in the process. Sorry your mom is clingy ... sometimes parents are like that. (Empty nest syndrome!) Sometimes parents need kids around to boss around or to "live through" ... and it probably scares your mom, but once again - don't feel too bad, because you're responsible for taking care of yourself first!



PS. If my MD had ever been that "grabby" to see my SI I'd have totally FREAKED! Yikes. Good job on not drinking and the Lexapro dosage increase - hope it works for ya!

GO KIYA!

That is just.....awesome. I am so proud of you for putting on your armor and facing your mom! I know how hard that was....and you did it!

Your mom will try to make you FEEL like you are betraying her...but you are NOT betraying her. You are a grown up, and you are NOT responsible for your mom, her feelings, her housing situation, or anything else.

My mom has really horrible boundaries, and it's WAY hard to not get sucked in to her drama, her needs, her expectations. It's one of the things that finally forced me into therapy, actually. So I know how hard it is. BUT YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

I am really excited for you.

You GO girl.

(((((Kiya))))))),

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I did gather my courage – imagining I was crawling into Bene's armor.

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This is sooo cute, Kiya=) I absolutely love it! Bene has been so good for you!

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She is in the titanic and has made me captain *sigh*.... batten down the hatches - hurricane a commin…man the port bows! i am remaining happy about it though which is new. Yay! Even tho all hell could break loose.

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Captain Kiya Sparrow, Titanic

I find it interesting when people say, "When is the other shoe going to drop?", when basically, it has, LOL.
So, I think that all hell has already broken loose. You are a formidable Captain, Kiya. Your mother and you don't have to both sink, nor does one have to sink while the other lives. There is a life raft for both of you Yours may end up in a different place, but that seems like a chance for you to move on and heal! I'm so proud of you, you have so much courage and conviction!

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Oy - i've never seen the eyes that are looking at me.... from mom. i don't recognize them at all – they are wide and round with fear. Please someone tell me I did not betray this woman!!

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Kiya, I suspect that out of all of what you will go through, that this will be the most troublesome. You are such a wonderful person and are still worried about your mother!

YOU DID NOT BETRAY YOUR MOTHER! - This comes from your Soliness and, as you know, means it's the truth! (LOL) So, spend no more time on this worry

You can remain the kind and caring person you are toward your mother while you still watch out for yourself. You can't help anyone or raise children if your main focus isn't on you. YOU DESERVE THIS!

Here are your awards that I bestow upon you:








This will be you soon:

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I did gather my courage – imagining I was crawling into Bene's armor. I had him with me all morning and held on to him at the osteopath’s again – REALLY helps the lil’s. Today was kinda triggering and scary at one point.

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What are lil's?
Probably a silly question... I think you work with kids, right Kiya?

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Anyway, after all was said, mom went into depression,,,, but i think we may just survive this. mom's totally changing her story now - saying we're not going to get evicted now… i never know where she stands - she said that my thinking that we would is ridiculous and that i should have never told anyone that... and went into the whole thing about what will happen to her if i move....so! at least my part is out - mom won't take action, like i knew.

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Kiya, you are a really awesome person, and this I mean. It takes so much courage to take risks emotionally and otherwise, in order to see improvement in your life. That, is really amazing. You would be surprised at how many people would rather wallow in misery than gather their courage and take a risk like you did. Congratulations on that.

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I think I get 2 gold stars for this!!

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No, FOUR GOLD STARS!

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Again mom is going back with questions and changing more of the story - arugh - magic thinking r us. she totally thought i would fix this today - where's my cap'n hat? With a really big feather! i wore my pirate shirt today =) It has a sword on it and says "At World's End" on the sleeve. Lol More Power to me. mom doesn't want the help at all and is pissed that i am moving out. She keeps saying "I didn't mean for you to tell them we're going to be evicted in 30 days!!! Why would you say something like that?" “Because you told me to drill sergeant!”
i told her that all my MDs and Ts have talked about it and wanted me to move for the past 4 years and that we’ve established "I cannot heal unless I move out." sooooooooooooooo it wasn't too big a shock (for me).
She still thinks she's going to pay the house on 15 hours a week at $9 an hour
Oy - i've never seen the eyes that are looking at me.... from mom. i don't recognize them at all – they are wide and round with fear. Please someone tell me I did not betray this woman!!

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In my past, I was stuck in similar situations with a very depressed mother who sounds a lot like yours does. You didn't betray anyone, Kiya---not yourself, not your mother, not your parents, friends, family, or even Benedict You are doing everything in your power to make it RIGHT. That's why you have more cajon@#$#$ than most guys I know!! KUDOS TO YOU!
Seriously!

Thanks Christina - wow! 4 stars!!!
Yeah mom and i have such emmeshed boundaries... it is going to be like surgery to split us - even as if from a maglignant source.
Thanks for the encouragement! I am going to need it over the next few months.

Kiya

Thanks Earthmama!! Wow all this support feels so good. I am grinning despite myself =)

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earthmama said:
Your mom will try to make you FEEL like you are betraying her...but you are NOT betraying her. You are a grown up, and you are NOT responsible for your mom, her feelings, her housing situation, or anything else.

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And she's doing such a good job at it too!! She's not acting like a grownup at all. More like a big kid. Maybe that is her job... to be the extra uncomfortable push so that I know what I am doing is right?

thanks!
kiya

Soli - I LOVE this! =)
Yes Bene has been good for me.... I may have to petition t to keep for ever. Course, I see T tomorrow and then she's gone again.

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Soliaree said:
So, I think that all hell has already broken loose. You are a formidable Captain, Kiya. Your mother and you don't have to both sink, nor does one have to sink while the other lives. There is a life raft for both of you Yours may end up in a different place, but that seems like a chance for you to move on and heal! I'm so proud of you, you have so much courage and conviction!

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Yes - I think you're right. I am working at staying calm, keeping up on my meds, staying positive and hopeful - and avoiding mom as much as i humanely can.

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YOU DID NOT BETRAY YOUR MOTHER! - This comes from your Soliness and, as you know, means it's the truth! (LOL) So, spend no more time on this worry
You can remain the kind and caring person you are toward your mother while you still watch out for yourself. You can't help anyone if your main focus isn't on you. YOU DESERVE THIS!

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yes Your Soliness, thank you your benevolent Soliness!!! I solomely swear to no longer spend time on this worry.... lord knows I will have enough to worry about soon enough.

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Here are your awards that I bestow upon you:








This will be you soon:



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I am going to print this! This whole thread. It will be my daily affermations and mantras all wrapped up in one.
Ahoy mateys!




Captain Kiya Sparrow, Titanic

Simcha - thanks!!!

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Simcha said:
What are lil's?
Probably a silly question... I think you work with kids, right Kiya?

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Grin
Oh, sorry - I'm DID so i have lil kid parts in me (5 i believe) that panic in certain situations (like dr's and moving!!).

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Kiya, you are a really awesome person, and this I mean. It takes so much courage to take risks emotionally and otherwise, in order to see improvement in your life. That, is really amazing. You would be surprised at how many people would rather wallow in misery than gather their courage and take a risk like you did. Congratulations on that. FOUR GOLD STARS!

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THANKS!!!!! High praise.

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You didn't betray anyone, Kiya---not yourself, not your mother, not your parents, friends, family, or even Benedict You are doing everything in your power to make it RIGHT.

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Again - thank you for your support. It has take me quite a bit of time to get through all these posts and each helps dispell the gloom and fear. I may be back for more support as this goes on..... if available. And likewise, I'm here when ya need.
Kiya

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chaotic13 said:
You GO girl.

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Sure working on it! thanks. Haven't heard back from the housing advocate =( On monday she said she'd have a list for me - then said she'd email the list by the end of the day... ok this going into wed. I SURE hope she has a list for me tomorrow!!!!