[ECHOES]

What stands out as something you've learned about yourself in therapy that is a surprise to you? Do you keep coming back to it, as it reveals itself over and over?

For me it was seeing how much I want to attach to someone, or to everyone actually. It explains why I tend to have one or two close friends at a time. I thought it was all I could handle. But the truth is that without someone to attach to, I don't exist. I attach so they can define me and then I know how to be then. It also explains the intensity of the relationship(s) and the huge fear of abandonment: to lose them is to lose me.

I've known that I have trouble being 'myself' but I didn't realize I can feel abandoned when I do that. When I am myself, however briefly, I am no longer the person the other defines so it feels like an abandonment.

It's why I have had such trouble talking in therapy. No way was she going to define me even though I would probably welcome it, so I would know 'how to be'. I feel like I'm on my own (abandoned?) yet the truth is I'm free to be me.
That sounds so easy...

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ECHOES said:
What stands out as something you've learned about yourself in therapy that is a surprise to you? Do you keep coming back to it, as it reveals itself over and over?

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I've had a lot of surprises in therapy.

I guess the biggest surprise I've had is discovering how desperately I want to be loved and accepted. I didn't realize the extent of that need at ALL. It makes sense, as it was something I didn't get growing up - but I always just thought I didn't care. I do care.

And my latest surprise is that the more T gives me love and acceptance, the more I want to push him away. Argh!

[MissCharlotte]

Nice thread Echoes.

I am blown away by the realization of how traumatic my childhood really was. I had literally dissociated away years and through the relationship and ruptures mostly I have come to know my child self who is so very wounded.

I am shocked about my abandonment issues and how much I really needed my mother and how little she was really there. I never realized how lonely I was.

Self definition is a major issue for me as well. I often don't feel real and although I have a strong identity of myself as a mother, that is a role I play but isn't who I am. The rest of me is still hidden and also has trouble talking in therapy quite often.

Take care.

[chaotic13]

I've learned how committed I can be. I made a decision to improve my family and despite how difficult things get, I continue to push forward. I've learned that I have a high tolerance for discomfort.

[skeksi]

Like Miss C, I was surprised to find out that my childhood could be described as "traumatic." I was also completely gobsmacked to find out I wasn't a freak. I had told myself for so long that I was abnormal, weird, etc., that whenever I find out in T that something about me is not so weird, I feel like I hit the jackpot.

[tulips30]

I have learned that my skin is almost translucent. I get deeply hurt by things that should not hurt so bad.

Abdonment, father & sexual abuse, mother and suicide attempts, stepfather and his suicide have left me with a deep distrust, fears of abondonment and an inability to trust.. Though having been married for 28 yrs to a wonderful guy who has tolerated my breakdowns and hospitalizations has helped.

I have a wonderful, kind t. and he has slowly been helping me see these patterns for what they are. He explains again and again how so much trauma is responsible for these feelings and angst.

I guess I would say that what I have learned is that everything is not my fault and that people can get angry with me and it doesn't mean they are leaving me the first chance thay get.

[MINIME]

Ive learned that im loveable and im sweet and im smart. i also learned that I am. Yes I just am.

[sunrise]

I learned that traumatic events in my childhood have influenced my relationships in the present.

I learned how awful my marriage really was.

I learned that I don't want to be an island, despite what that little girl said, so many years ago. Connection and attachment feel great.

I came to know several little girl ego states within myself, and I learned how to console and comfort them.

I learned that I have an adult male ego state who has been my protector.

I learned that even after many years of being hurt, and putting up walls, I still had the ability to form a deep relationship (rather readily). I guess I'm not damaged for life!

I still have a hard time saying this, but I learned I had suffered abuse.

I learned that with the right person beside you, you can push through a lot and accomplish things you never thought possible.

[Mouse_]

That the world is not as I thought it to be, and that Its not just me that needs to change. That I am not the worse person on this earth and that I have courage in a less obvious way then what I thought courage to be. I've learnt that people will be who they are and its down to me to decide what I want to do with my life. I have learnt that we as humans all have the same needs and desires but we go about them in different ways and we travel this world in different ways and thats ok. I use to believe there was a fixed model of what a good humanbeing should be like, now I know thats not true.

[Sannah]

Wow, this thread is truly beautiful and inspiring........

I just realized something a little more about what I've learned about myself in therapy.

I've spent my whole life thinking that the abuse in my childhood and another trauma that happened later in my life were the biggest things I needed to recover from, and to work on in therapy.

What I've discovered in therapy is that the neglect I experienced in childhood - not being "seen", not being loved, being "good" but being ignored - left much deeper wounds than I ever suspected - maybe deeper than the abuse itself.

I am so grateful to have discovered that, as painful and as gut-wrenching as it is....because it seems that the more I am able to find those wounds, the greater chance that there is for healing. I hope!

[Junerain]

I learned, when I left my PDoc, that he had just as much feelings for little ole ME as I did for him, insisting he was the only Pdoc that could care for me, wanting for me still to call, it was mutual

[MissCharlotte]

Yes. And I have learned that healing will take a lifetime; that I can hold multiple emotions for one person; that being angry doesn't mean quitting (well sometimes I know this....) and that I can experience love when I take risks in the intimacy of the therapeutic relationship; that although exposing vulnerabilities feels very very risky, it is that exposure that allows my heart to open and let the reciprocal nature of the exchange occur.

That I really and truly was a child and not some "Lolita" like I tried to convince myself I must've been . . . because at least the "Lolita theory" made sense.

I WAS A CHILD.

I am learning that I was just a child. How was I supposed to know how to process it, prevent it, change it? I was just a child, just an innocent child. I am not a bad person. I need to learn how to love that little girl not hate her, not shame her. She didn't know any better than to submit to the situation. I'm learning..

[Fuzzybear]

[pachyderm]

Well, some of this learning has been in therapy and some done just by myself (with the aid of others from books): I am learning that I might become a pretty emotionally healthy person, able to stand with others of similar good fortune. It is quite a surprise, considering what I have been told all my life.

I have learned that I am entitled to every single thought and emotion that I experience.

I have learned that I am more than my illness-- it is not my identity; it is only one part of me, and there is a whole person here.

I have learned that it is possible to feel connected and whole in the presence of someone.

I have learned (or I am beginning to learn) that a gray area exists within every experience. Everything exists on a continuum. There is no just black and white.

[Kiya]

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ECHOES said:
For me it was seeing how much I want to attach to someone, or to everyone actually. It explains why I tend to have one or two close friends at a time. I thought it was all I could handle. But the truth is that without someone to attach to, I don't exist. I attach so they can define me and then I know how to be then. It also explains the intensity of the relationship(s) and the huge fear of abandonment: to lose them is to lose me.

I've known that I have trouble being 'myself' but I didn't realize I can feel abandoned when I do that. When I am myself, however briefly, I am no longer the person the other defines so it feels like an abandonment.

It's why I have had such trouble talking in therapy. No way was she going to define me even though I would probably welcome it, so I would know 'how to be'. I feel like I'm on my own (abandoned?) yet the truth is I'm free to be me.
That sounds so easy...

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Echoes... all of that makes so much sense to me as well. I hate losing people because i then lose a piece of me also. Then i have to wait for the next person who will accept me and i can mold to them. I do have a fierce stubborn streak, too, but a lot of me is defined by who I am with.

But the biggest surprise I am noticing right now comes from this physical health crisis I am in. I am seeing major changes in myself in how I handle these major stresses compared to how i used to. I've been in therapy for 5 years and just this year there are major shifts due to the level of care and caring i am getting from my three doctors. I am finding out that beneath all the wounds there is a healthy part that is rising to meet the expectations of my doctors and willing to do as they ask.

[Simcha]

Amazing thread, ECHOES. Really.

I'm going to think about this a little bit and then post my reply.

[Lemon]

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pinksoil said:
I have learned that I am entitled to every single thought and emotion that I experience..

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I really like this one. I'd like to learn that. It'll be something I keep in mind for the future.

[SpottedOwl]

I've learned that I did the very best I knew how, given the tools that I had.
I've learned to slowly build compassion for myself, instead of being such a strict critic.

I'm still learning what a loving relationship feels like, and how to create those outside of T's office.