Ouch

So, I'm in the middle of a rupture with T. It literally hurts in a physical way - like an ache in my chest. He screwed up yesterday, and he admits he screwed up, but obviously there's no way to turn back time to fix it, so it's basically up to me to forgive him and move on.

I guess the tricky thing is that the therapy relationship is SO INTENSE, and with the transference, everything feels so much larger than life. So what would feel like a normal human screw up if someone else did it feels like rejection and abandonment when T does it. And it feels like rejection and abandonment of the most private, deep, secret parts of me - the parts of me that only T knows. Wow, that hurts. A lot.

I realized in session that I don't really want to cut and run. I do want to try to reconnect with him. And I realized that I don't want to feel disconnected all weekend, so I did try to open up and let him back in before session was over. We held hands at the end of session, more out of desperation on my part than anything else. And even though I didn't really feel reconnected, I guess I felt like I was trying, and that maybe the connection will come back in time.

He just left me a phone message, and it's clear from the message that things are different right now. It feels like the rupture is affecting both of us...which is, I guess, how it is in a relationship. He sounds different - sad? concerned? And somehow, THAT makes it hurt even more. I don't know why.

Ugh. It's just so, so painful. I have a session on Monday next week and a session on Thursday, and then I won't see him for 11 days because I'm going on vacation. I feel scared that everything sort of fell apart before a big break. I feel lonely in a deep, deep way.

It just hurts

Yes, it's me, replying to my own post!!

I would love to hear stories of everyone's big ruptures with T, and how they got repaired. T and I have had ruptures in the past, and they have deepened our relationship every time. But this time it feels so much bigger - maybe BECAUSE our relationship is so much closer and deeper now.

Im sorry this happened. i can say that if that happened to me i would just have to talk and talk and talk about it to her until it felt better. can u do that?

((((EM)))
Sorry to hear about your rupture. I think your observation of how the more intense and deep that connection gets the more painful and difficult the rupture feels.

You already know a lot about what happened in my most recent rupture with my T... since you PM'ed me through it. BTW, your correspondence and voice of reason was very helpful to me then. Please feel free to PM me if you need a sounding board.

Now that I am not in the grip of the previous rupture, what helped me the most was me challenging all the negative crap my ...left brain/ego/freaky inner child... whatever you want to call the part of your mind that constantly plays the continuous fear and drama loop. The whole time I was freaking out and getting myself worked up... I could hear another voice in my head quietly challenging this paranoid chatter. When I started to focus my attention on this other voice I found that I was able to take a leap of faith and at least try to resolve the issue between my T and I. Luckily, my T met my effort to repair the miscommunication with an effort of her own. I think we both learned a lot about each other in the process. I think what I gained most was the ability to put what others might think of me temporarily aside, and do something strictly for my own benefit. Another thing I learned is that I have the ability to be really upset with someone but not disconnect. I have the ability to hang in there, feel angry/fearful/embarrassed, but still be open-minded enough to work through the rupture. I think the fact that my T was working hard to bridge the gap REALLY helped too.

I think your T is working hard to bridge the gap too. I think my T's acknowledgment that ..."none of us ever really knows what the f(*& we are doing" is important to remember. All we can do is try our best to be as compassionate and open with one another as possible. Things tend to work out when we can get ourselves to assume that the other person is trying just as hard as we are to bridge the gap..

((((((((((((((((((((((( minime )))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((( chaotic )))))))))))))))))))

I think you're right, chaotic. He IS working hard to bridge the gap. This will heal in time - it's just so painful in the meantime.

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It just hurts

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dunno hun, haven't had a rupture yet. ever. in 5 years with as many t's. because i never tell them when i am upset with them or if they hurt me.
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i even cut sometimes because of what a t said to me rather than tell them that i was hurting because of them. I didn't even then tell them that the reason I cut was due to the pain of what they said. I held all that inside.
Even currently, when T told me this week that it is good when i tell her that I am upset (*which i haven't - she has it confused with something TOTALLY different * ) -which would have been a great lead in to saying "btw T, you never call on vacay when you say you will"... i didn't do it. I can't do it. It hurts to much for me to say that because it feels like the burden of their happiness is on me.

So as much as it hurt for you to go through this, i think it is really very healthy for you to be honest with t and work through this. It is exactly what they want for us - and i really do think it is healthy. Many many KUDOS!!!! Hang in there, keep talking this through - write T all your thoughts and feelings!!! Now that I've written all this, I will try to re-compose this in an email for t and maybe finally tell her .... but I still can't tell her it hurt me. That feels like too big a burden.
((((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think it would be such a big, positive step if you could tell T that it hurt you when she didn't call. You and T have a great relationship, and this would be a great chance for you to experience what happens when you are in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP and you tell someone they have upset you.

I remember pretty early in T, T did some things in a Friday session that made me think that he was literally trying to get rid of me - trying to make me quit therapy. It hurt so much, and I spent a weekend in tears over it. When I went in on the following Monday, I asked him about it, even though it made me so uncomfortable.....and instead of turning it around and blaming me, or accusing me of being too sensitive or needy, or getting angry at me for bringing it up....he apologized. He explained why the session went the way it did. He apologized again. He joked that he should just close the practice because it was THE worst therapy he'd given. And he apologized again. He never turned it around on me, or made me feel bad for bringing it up.

I think that's how it works in HEALTHY relationships. I think this is one of the things we get to learn with T that we didn't learn in our families. Our feelings are real and valid.

You can do it, Kiya.

WOW!!! unbelievable!!!

That's the other thing.... getting appologies.... I hate them. I'd die if T said sorry. I don't want her to be sorry. I think i also don't believe appologies. another "healthy relationship" thing - that when someone says sorry, they really didn't mean to hurt you the first time and won't do it again. and again...and again.......

Yeah, apologies ARE hard. But somehow, T makes it feel okay when he apologizes.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) This stuff is hard, huh?

totally hard.
well thanks to you, i did write up all that stuff... took me 3 hours.... and *gasp!* emailed it off. *bites nails*.

Yay, Kiya! You did it!

I am so proud of you. I know it's scary, but this is how we learn, and grow, and heal.

((Earthmama))

I can't go into detail right now because i'm having a hard time hanging in.......

After the last really painful rupture, I called T and told him I needed an extra session and came back the next day. And we talked and talked and talked. And he apologized.

However, I have apologized in other ruptures too.

So, it takes two to tango, ya know?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C ))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.