Shouldn't one of the therapists have said something?

I had my appointment with my therapist today. I almost missed my appointment! I took a nap and didn't get up when the alarm went off. Thankfully I woke up just in time.

The first thing my therapist did was to apologize for what happened last week. The first thing I did was to tell her that I wanted an apology from J. Then we talked about how I felt and what I was thinking. I told her that the comment that was made last week was very hurtful and it embarrassed me. I said that because of what happened, group was no longer a safe place for me. I also let her know that this comment wasn't the only thing this person has done that has sent up red flags for me. I felt like my therapist was hearing what I was saying. She said that other people in the group also complained about this person and that at least one person came to her after the last group because they were worried about me because of the comment.

The person who made the comment wanted my phone number. My therapist did NOT give her the number for confidentiality reasons AND because she didn't think she could trust her not to make other comments that would hurt me. This person gave her number to my therapist and asked for me to call her. My therapist said that would not be a good idea, again, because she didn't trust her to not be rude to me.

I really felt that my therapist was sincere and cares about me. I did talk about the issue of the comment not being addressed when it occurred. My therapist said that she was shocked that the comment was made and was afraid if she addressed it right then that the person would make other rude comments and she didn't want it to get worse.

My therapist was going to speak to me right after group, but I got out of there so fast she didn't have a chance to talk to me. She and the other therapist spent about an hour talking about what happened and then they were going to email me. I had already sent her my original email stating that I was going to drop out of group.

My therapist shared, many times, that she and the other therapist discussed the fact that the person who made the comment was not ready to be in a group. With 15 minutes left in my session she went to the other therapist and then came back to tell me that the decision had been made that the person would NOT continue in group therapy for at lease 6 months (or longer depending on how she behaved). I was glad to hear that. My therapist asked if I wanted to speak to the person directly to get an apology and I said that I did. So we are scheduling a meeting for us to get together outside of group (which was my choice). We'll also discuss the incident with the members of the group also (hopefully this Thursday).

So I will be able to tell this person that she hurt me and get an apology. I'll be able to continue in group because she won't be there anymore. I'll keep seeing my therapist for individual therapy also. And, I'll be on my guard for anything like this happening again. I did ask if it was okay for me to say something directly in group if anyone else makes hurtful comments to me or anyone else and my therapist said it would be appropriate to do that. She understood why I didn't say anything last week (the shock and family history).

We actually had some time to discuss other things and that was a good way to end the session.

I did go over my 'script' I wrote out and have been practicing, with my therapist, and she thought I was on the right track.

Sorry this has been so long , but this really is an important issue for me. I appreciate all the encouragement and suggestions.

Sounds like you did a good job of expressing yourself in this meeting. I'm glad you were able to work things out and not let this one person disrupt you individual therapy or your ability to feel safe and comfortable in the group. Its also nice to know that another member of the group was concerned about you and spoke up about how you were treated. Hopefully the rest of the group can become more cohesive now that the trouble maker is gone.

I'm glad you had a positive session today.

Good job internettie! ancing-Chilli: I'm glad it worked out for you!

Thanks, chaotic. I felt like I was able to say everything that I needed to say with my therapist. It was important for me to keep my self respect and I feel like I did. It was nice to know that someone else was concerned about me and that I wasn't the only one with issues with this person. My hope is that Thursday will be the beginning of a great chapter in our group. It was a positive session and I'm so glad it's worked out the way it did. Group will be interesting on Thursday. Right now I'm scheduled to get together with this person and our therapists on Thursday at 6pm, just before group (she will NOT be attending the group, for sure).

Thanks LAS!

Wow, Internettie, what a great outcome! The therapist was concerned about this the whole time and she was working to help you immediately. I think that you are going to learn so much through this!

((((((((((((((((((internettie))))))))))))))))

Wow, I am so proud of how you handled yourself in therapy. What great, GREAT practice in communicating about your feelings and your needs. I hope group goes really well on Thursday.

Internettie, that is a great outcome. You did so well expressing yourself to your therapist. I'm really glad the therapists have reassessed this person's readiness for group therapy and are taking action by having her leave the group since she is not ready. Maybe this incident will also be a wake-up call to the offender and really bring home to her that she has A LOT of work to do in therapy.

I am so happy for you.

((((Sannah))))
((((earthmama))))
((((sunrise))))

Today was my last day at my part time job. Because I dealt with this situation with the person in group, I was able to focus on my last day of work and actually enjoy myself. Nothing went as planned at work (does if ever on a last day? lol) but because I didn't have that situation hanging over me, I was able to concentrate on the people around me (co-workers, patients, etc.) instead of the problems. I'm very relieved to be done with work so that now I can focus on therapy and group for a while.

I'm actually looking forward to group on Thursday! Thanks for letting me vent and do my practice here on the forum. It was very helpful.

Now that I'm a woman of leisure, I think I'll go take a nap. lol

Isn't it great when you can problem solve an issue and then be relieved of the burden!

It is nice to be able to resolve an issue. That's new territory for me. Scary, but nice.

According to my manual for my DBT group "Clients may not form private relationships outside of skills training sessions." I'm new at the group (6 weeks) but found it so helpful even though I'm an outsider in that I'm dxed as bipolar & everyone else is borderline, but I fit right in, unfortunately, with the extreme emotions. It seems to be helpful so I'm hopeful that with medication I will get some stability.--Suzy

Thanks for posting that Suzy. I knew I saw it somewhere that relationships outside the group were frowned upon. I did not ask my therapist specifically about this but I will ask her when I can. If nothing else, I can get her views on it. I'm new at my group also (I think this will be my 6th week too) and I've found it very helpful already. We have a mix of diagnoses in our group too but it doesn't seem to be an issue. We all benefit from the skills we are learning. I hope too that you will make strides in gaining stability with group and medication (that's how I'm doing it).

I think I may need to "shut up" now.

Did I say something wrong? :Oops:

I'm just being a know-it-all jerk when I know nothing. Sorry.

ummm... I'm confused... :Head-Spin:


Anyway, tomorrow night I'll get to meet with my therapist, her therapist, and her so I can tell her how I feel. Hopefully I'll get an apology.

I just tend to "talk" too much. Sorry. So glad things worked out in what was a really painful incident.--Suzy

((((Suzy))))

I'm a "rapid cycler" & can get into an extreme mood--esp. down on myself & self critical & imagine the worst that everyone is thinking I'm being a jerk, etc. so I apologize & withdraw & don't know what to do. Obviously I don't have good social skills. Sorry.--Suzy

Intenettie, that's great that everything worked out. I am so glad that people in you group were concerned, your T wrote you a latenight heartfelt email, and you got to make all the decisions about the outcome and you handled it with grace and dignity!

Anytime I've been publicly humiliated it becomes very painful for me so I really appreciate your feelings. I used to get picked on and needed a life preserver.

What I'm about to say may miss the mark here and be a stretch but I hope you find helpful.

One thing I want to point out is that not only were you unable to respond, your T was also unable to respond. You were both probably knocked off balance a little, and you both had to deal with it later on. I think this is a good thing. I hope what I'm about to say makes sense, this approach has been very healing for me, but I'm not quite sure how to say it. Sometimes being singled out can be devastating, but knowing that you are not alone can be healing, it proves it is NOT about you at all. The meaningless comment was made to both of you. Sometimes it's easy to internalize the comment and wonder if you did anything to draw that comment towards you. If you are internalizing this ,you are not alone. You are also not the only one who has questions on how to deal with a verbal attack. Your T had to go to his/her colleagues and you came here. You both came back later and handled it beautifully. You've just developed your self-esteem muscles and made them a little stronger. This means next time, you can defend yourself maybe you can just laugh it off, shake your head clear and say whatever you feel is appropriate to move right along and let the abuser spend the holiday weekend feeling like a schlump!

Hope this helps! ((((internettie)))))

((((jacqueline))))

I went to DBT group last night. My therapist checked in with all of us to see how we were doing. I was surprised that I was doing as well as I was. I think I've done a pretty good job this past week of resolving this situation. I've been able to move on and focus again on what we are learning in group and what I'm learning in individual therapy.

I'm very glad that I have been able to let go of this for the most part and take care of myself. It's been an opportunity for me to grow and I believe I've done that.

Internettie~Sounds like you got the support you need, and you seem very clear, intelligent and articulate.

I get thrown for a loop by injustices quite often...wondering what if anything should I have done. It's always good to check in. I'm happy to hear it 's all working out.

Im pleased your T emailed you. I read like a very caring message they sent. You are right, people should not be rude to you and I hope you stay in the group

Internettie, I am so glad for you!