So yeah, title says it all: I've been questioning myself as to why I'm seeking professional assistance with my problems to the point where I doubt I'm distressed at all. I'm only following through my sessions because I feel an obligation to, even if I know I'm not the definition of "normal", psychologically speaking.

I hate having moments where I doubt I need help at all... It makes actually finding help harder and makes it take more time than it was intended to by not completely telling the professionals what I want AND have to tell them (mouthful)... Then when I'm back again in a state of despair (hate, hopelessness, brain fog, whatever), I find it hard to find the motivation to get up and seek help... I actually forced myself (and it took me a long while) to look for a T, even though all I had to do was go to a nearby building (less than 5 mins away) and ask for a therapy session. Once I had one, I felt safe and relaxed, but now I don't even know why I'm going. I don't know why, it just happened... And all these thoughts keep rushing through my head, trying to convince me to just forget about all of this and move on, and deal with whatever is causing me all this distress.

Thoughts that keep racing through my head include "I don't have any problems, I've just matured faster than everyone else my age and beyond", "Why am I looking for professional help, if my problems aren't disabling? If it's just debilitating, then it's probably something I can fix by myself", "If I've survived so far, what's preventing me from surviving 70-80 more years? (I'm optimistic in how long I'll live)", "There's no such things as mental illnesses, just the same lack of control over how we feel, but in different areas. I bet I can overcome this by myself", and "The only way this help-seeking journey will benefit me is by having acceptable excuses for my consecutive abnormalities". I've had other thoughts, but I can't remember them... (underlined the most prevalent ones).

Have you guys ever had these problems while going to a session of any sort? If so, what did you do to avoid these obstacles? And can you help me liberate some of my worry by sharing with me the time it took you to be diagnosed with your first mental illness?

Thanks if you read, share, and reply.

[seeker1950]

Kewkie, hunny,
I've been to numerous counselors over the years. Some were marginally helpful to me, while others were downright harmful. I realize it's an unpopular thing to say here on PC where many people are devoted to their therapists.
In my long life, however, now at age 57, I am thankful for the little bit of help I gleaned from therapists, but also knowledgeable that I had to do much/most of the work myself. That is what we all must do in the end.
Patty

Hopefully you're right... I can't take things slow and easy, because they cause me distress and anxiety (sometimes even panic attacks when things that were originally meant to last 30 seconds or less last 2+ minutes). Just thinking about being on the move for what might be months or even years is a thought I find myself pushing away constantly, and even more so now, that I HAVE to do well on my academic progress so I can go back to my old college.

Hopefully, if I never hide anything, and keep finding ways of remembering what to say and what to ask professionals, it will all pass by faster. And hopefully, the days I feel frustrated with myself for thinking that I need help, I'll have someone to slap me out of my state of doubt... But sadly, those days haven't come yet, so I'm stuck with fighting myself over how my next step should be.

[trippinmickey]

There only so much you can get out of a sessions .Ive been in programs which were 6 days a week all day in groups for 4 months .Then I move up to the next group which was only 2 to 5 days and as little as one and up to 6 hours but there came a point where you just grouped out , and that goes for doctors stop seeing mine 6 moths ago . At a point you just cant get any more out of a session and if you force your self to go it can turn on you where when you do need the help you built up a trigger about going to a session or group. My biggest thing is being lonely even with my wife and kids around its still nice to have someone who understands how it is living with a mental illness its the one thing i miss .

[Junerain]

Your particular thought, "There is no such thing as mental illness..." well all you have to do is read and re-read these forums, the hopelessness, the fear, the stigma, the being at the end of one's rope, the sheer number of posts, the amount of hugs needed and given, mental illness is real whether wants to believe it, or not, it is simply there, accounted for, and it is up to us to better understand it, try to understand it, live with it, cope with it, and if at all possible accept it.

You asked, if you could hear, a story about one of us came to be, diagnosed, here is mine.

I was a freshman at Michigan State University, and I was hopelessly homesick. I had a judgemental, negative family, and relied quite heavily on my high school friends, for everything from advice about guys, to learning about life, I was very codependent with these girls, from the time I spent with them, codependent on their families, and very into the things they would tell me, I was just very good, at being young, my job was to be young, and I had it down to a tee, was terrified of growing up, terrified of beloved high school days coming to and end, and also, obssessed with a young man one of my best friends, basically, boy crazy...I made it through the first quarter of my freshman year, then found myself daydreaming about this high school crush, although, my contact with him was minimal. I began skipping classes, my boy craziness spread to obssessions with professors, I was interpreting things wrong, readin into things, basically, in my own world. I had joined campus groups, but read into them, that they were cults. My roommates would keep switching their living arrangements to avoid me, saying they just weren't as 'innocent' as me, or in my own world, as me. The campus groups I joined, tracked down my parent's number, told them it seemed I needed professional help. My mother drove out to get me. I left a few things, convinced, that one day, I would be back- I never was...I went home and was put on trilafon, referred to a female psychiatrist, the males couldn't seem to reach me. I would sit at home all day and watch music videos. I began to have delusions, that everyone in my high school had died, and had left, me. That the newscasters on the news were throwing out examples that my high school crush still loved me, I was delusional, had spent all my money on clothes from catalogues, had nothing left, went out driving, just around, ran out of gas and left my Honda Civic in the middle of the road, got out, was greeted by policemen, who performed a mental hygiene arrest, and was taken to the local psychiatric wing, where, alas, I received a diagnosis, bipolar, and my parents were told, I would porbably never graduate college, which, I eventually proved, wrong. When it was time to be discharged, I actually, asked to stay longer, and work harder, on my emotional self. There was talk about a placement in a year long intensive psychiatric program, which was told to my parents, who yelled at me " HOW CAN YOU JUST SIT THERE AS THEY SAY THIS!!" I collapsed into my family advocate's arms, Mary, and cried. I started to go back to college, although, it felt, my calssmates didn't know me since my childhood, as my high school classmates had, I just, didn't fit in, without this knowledge. I would try to fit in at various places of employment, it was always, there is something different, about this girl, and they would inform me, I was being let go, if they said it that nicely. Then, I got a job as a nanny, loved the three girls, and came, out of shell, or what others perceived as a shell. After that job, I found a waitressing position at a family restaurant, and this was the second job, that didn't fire me. The family was eccentric, and this was good, very good for me. I was accepted for the first time in my life.. I began making up for lost time and dating many, many people. I slowly went off, my medication, and the 22nd of this month, I begin nursing school. The nurses in the psychiatric wing were so, so, good to me, and I want to be a psychiatric nurse, and bring this story back, to another, girl, who gets care, and grows..............

Hmm... You've been through quite a bit there, Junerain... It gives me peace that, at the end of your life story, you're better than ever before, and also making up for lost time. I can only hope, wish, and pray that your life keeps improving to the point where happiness lies in every corner.

Thanks for the story you gave me. I accept it as an example (finally) of what I was looking for to open my eyes a bit more. I still have to admit, I feel like nothing's wrong with me and that I'm just faking it all, when my feelings pass and I forget how I felt. Other thoughts that cross my mind constantly entwine with that one, making it worse... How will others know I'm saying the truth, if there's nothing visible that can show them I am NOT ok? How can I assure myself they won't shrug me aside and laugh at me for trying to better myself if I have nothing to prove that I AM suffering? And, more importantly... How can I believe myself, if two days after whatever abnormality that happens to me dispapears and I feel like it never happened, like if it was some dream I had? I can't regain the motivation I have during my times of distress, and when I regain my composure and tranquility, I continue living my life forgetting about all those thoughts and feelings... I don't feel happiness, sadness, embarrassment, just hate and (to some extenct) fear. How can I prove this?

... Am I lying to myself just to feel different, or am I really sick? The feeling of everything going slow-motion, or everything moving away from me too fast are real... But is that it? If I don't follow up with my sessions, will I become my own worst enemy in the future? How can I KNOW if I'm in danger, or I can live with how I am now without long-term effects in my life?...

I just can't stop these questions from rushing into my head, and as I try to find answers, or create one that I can accept, I find even more questions than those I have taken care off...
No ending in sight...

[Beyond77]

Originally Posted by seeker1950

Kewkie, hunny,
I've been to numerous counselors over the years. Some were marginally helpful to me, while others were downright harmful. I realize it's an unpopular thing to say here on PC where many people are devoted to their therapists.
In my long life, however, now at age 57, I am thankful for the little bit of help I gleaned from therapists, but also knowledgeable that I had to do much/most of the work myself. That is what we all must do in the end.
Patty

1,000% agree. I also hate to say this, especially here, but to be perfectly honest I actually feel that some of the therapists I've seen have "treated" me in a way that made my issues much worse. (Not listening to my request to actually learn HOW to do things, like make new friends and relax,since I've always lacked those skills, being overly concerned with my sex life, rolling their eyes in that "damn, you're a hopeless neurotic" way when I talked about things that were geniuinely bothering me, allowing the other patients in the waiting room to snicker at me when I left in tears, etc.)

I stopped seeing my latest therapist a few months ago after the "rolling the eyes" incident, and have had more insights and progress than I have had in the 1 1/2 years of seeing him, or during the years when I've seen other therapists. So I definitely agree that when it comes down to it, you're doing most of the work yourself.

I'm sorry if I upset anyone with this--but if anyone knows how to find a respectful therapist that will actually challenge me and help me LEARN new things instead of having each session be nothing more than a gripe session, I'm all ears!!

Briefly:

1st suicide attempt at 15. No psychiatric help given as my mother was bipolar & alcoholic & in & out of mental institutions & was the focus at this point. In fact, my father was very ANGRY at me for bothering him as I was at a boarding school & they said he had to take me out for 2 weeks.

So began to drink heavily, use cocaine when boyfriends would provide it, got onto speed...more overdoses. School kicked me out saying I needed extensive psychological help; by this time my mother had committed suicide by asphyxiating herself with a plastic bag over her head; my father hired a housekeeper to look after us kids & he moved onto his yacht with his girlfriend.

So more of the same. Ended up with numerous erroneous dxes & put on many different medications & saw many therapists as I sought help on my own in my 20's after getting married. Finally at the age of 45 I was properly dxed as bipolar 1, had a year of trial & error to get the right combo of meds (6 of them), doing indiv. therapy, DBT, was stable for 5 years, had last overdose 2 years ago... Progress I guess. I've lived longer than my mother, at least.

[SpottedOwl]

(((Kewkky)))
First, let me say, I *love* the colors you use in your posts. It is such a beautiful way to express different levels of thoughts.

You are obviously a caring and loving individual -- to wish that Junerain finds happiness in every corner.

What about wishing that for yourself? I wish and hope that *you* find happiness in every corner of *your* life too!

I don't think you need to have a diagnosis or commit to a life-long process to enjoy the benefits of therapy. Life is all about adjusting to, learning from, and growing with change. No one can do that without other people. We all need people to help witness our lives and to accept us 'warts and all' (as my T says). Therapy can be one place to find accepting people, who can help us develop better tools to meet life's challenges.

Ultimately any change happens within, but the therapy can be a catalyst for that positive change.

I certainly understand the desire to find answers. It can be compelling to hunt those problems down. The trick is that sometimes the answer is that there is no answer available at this time.

From a practical point of view, I find it useful to focus on the immediate moment. If there is a problem worrying me, I ask myself:
"What is the next most obvious step?" Sometimes that step is as small as getting a glass of water if I notice I'm thirsty.

Caring for yourself is always a good step to take if you don't know what to do.

Going to therapy can be a great way to care for yourself. If you're not sure -- try it out and see if you find it useful.

I wish and hope that you find the answers that you are looking for.

[Junerain]

How beautiful, to do an advanced search, on you of all people, (Kewkky) How eloquent, are your posts...

You write that when you sit in class, and are told to explore a problem, YOU DO THE ENTIRE THING!!

Life is a class, a curious, puzzling, depressing, uplifting, class, and for extra credit, the class becomes never ending, just when we see and understand, the problem, it changes its form, and the more we study, and learn, about this world, there is just more and more,(or so I have found..)

You write about people such as pompous rich people who stepped on others to get, where they are, about where does their happiness come from, about your own search, for happiness, direction, purpose, and an outlet, for your inner anger..

I have found, this world, is not made for sensitive people, people like you and I.......perhaps this PC website, yes, is made for people who feel deeply, yet, sad to say, not the rest, of the world.......

Keep writing here, Kewkky, until you become a Poohbah, those with thousands, of posts, you have a voice here, albeit a precious and beautiful one. Try perhaps poetry in the creative corner and express your inner voice and what you observe, about this world, and perhaps you and I, can make humanity better, one word at a time

[lifeblows]

Beyond77 Posted: 1,000% agree. I also hate to say this, especially here, but to be perfectly honest I actually feel that some of the therapists I've seen have "treated" me in a way that made my issues much worse. (Not listening to my request to actually learn HOW to do things, like make new friends and relax,since I've always lacked those skills,

I'm sorry if I upset anyone with this--but if anyone knows how to find a respectful therapist that will actually challenge me and help me LEARN new things instead of having each session be nothing more than a gripe session, I'm all ears!![/quote]

OMG, Thank you, I thought it was just me. I had to quit my therapy this week after almost three and a half years because I lost my job & ran out of money/insurance. However, this year I've been really upset because I realized after all that time I haven't made much progress and don't feel like I'm getting help with the things I need, like as you say HOW to do things. I don't know how to do anything and there are things I would have liked therapy to tell me how to do. And I have more problems than when I started therapy and none of my original issues are better or fixed either. I too would like to know how to find therapy or a therapist that will actually help and take my problems seriously enough to help me fix them. (If I ever win the lottery and have more money for therapy.) Right now, I'm not so sure I even believe in therapy any more. I feel like it's a hoax after everything that's happened to me in there this year.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Kewkky

"There's no such things as mental illnesses, just the same lack of control over how we feel,

"The only way this help-seeking journey will benefit me is by having acceptable excuses for my consecutive abnormalities".

Hi Kewkky, no one can control her feelings. This isn't the purpose of feelings. People learn to work with their feelings.

Do you think that you just might be trying to rescue your self-worth here (you don't want anything wrong)?

[Sannah]

I forgot something. You don't need to convince anyone that you have things to work on....

Yeah, Junerain, you got me there.

This world is definitely not a world that I can live at peace with... Constantly around me, they appear and disappear as fast as they come... Catalysts that literally transform my whole personality into something else that I'm not OK with once my sanity returns to me. Everywhere, every day, every moment, they just keep coming and coming, like 'bullets to an enemy caught in the range of fire in a war.' The only ways I can change this is if I either live in sheer yet bliss ignorance of all that is happening, someone takes my precious life from me, or I do something to open the eyes of the people around me. And no, I don't aim to be the next Martin Luther King, but I DO want this world to change for the better...

Thanks for the many compliments, SpottedOwl. I actually thought it bothered people more by making it so it was livelier and easier to read so I was thinking twice about it, but your compliments make me feel good about being different and trying my own things! Believe me, I'd like my life to be nothing more than happiness in every corner, but the more that I try remembering what is making me so troubled, the more unhappy and troubled I become... It's like weightlifting: you start off light and easy, then you work up to more weight, and it gets heavier and harder after every inrease. But when you're done and you feel that you've done as much as you can, you look at your results and smile, because you reached your goal... So, all i can do is keep looking into myself until I find out what's making me feel so unhappy, until I find it and eliminate it. Who knows? It may unearth other things...

I'm glad I haven't read my posts once they stop being replied to... Getting angry with no reason as to why I want to be angry is not a smart thing to do (reading my rants and reviving the feelings), in my opinion... I just write what I feel I want to say (vent), then check back every now and then since I commited to the responsibility of starting a topic... I think that, since I'm venting a bit here and there and asking for opinions and getting answers, I'm feeling better about myself, and it gives me more motivation.

Today I did my fourth T session, and now I have a neurologist session and a psychiatrist session around the corner. Hopefully time will not be a thorn on my side for long, and I'll be able to finish up without dropping out of the whole thing, frustrated by the long process and countless hours of worrying and whatnot.

Sannah, I know I don't have to, but I still get the feeling that they'll just shrug me off and think of me as someone who's just trying to be "different". I can't find examples that will convince me that I'm not what others would call "normal", so I'm stuck with that same doubt over and over in my mind. To me, forgetting everything, losing balance, lightheadedness whenever I stand up, being nervous about social events, anger against everything, and fast mood swings (between other things) were normal for anyone else to experience, but after meeting my previous girlfriend, I noticed how alike we were, and how her traits were seen as something completely abnormal, making me feel unsure about myself... And if I'm not sure about something, I tend to involuntarily ignore it and postpone it. And when my problems disappear for sometimes what seems to be days, I feel like it was all just some bad dream, some thoughts I just made up, or myself trying to feel different, and that leads to me feeling unsure about myself... Until they come back again with a vengeance. Then I find it hard to go find help, which was what happened to me last year, in my previous college (which i changed from because my grades were horrible, and economic problems).

Thanks for all the replies, people! They're seriously helping me find the motivation to continue, and not stop or drop off my sessions! I have to press on, and ignore all those negative thoughts that keep trying to make it harder on me in the long run!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Kewkky

This world is definitely not a world that I can live at peace with... Constantly around me, they appear and disappear as fast as they come... Catalysts that literally transform my whole personality into something else that I'm not OK with once my sanity returns to me. Everywhere, every day, every moment, they just keep coming and coming, like 'bullets to an enemy caught in the range of fire in a war.' The only ways I can change this is if I either live in sheer yet bliss ignorance of all that is happening, someone takes my precious life from me, or I do something to open the eyes of the people around me. And no, I don't aim to be the next Martin Luther King, but I DO want this world to change for the better...

Kewkky, working on yourself and your personal boundaries might be an easier way to find peace rather than trying to change the whole world.

[jacqueline1110]

Hey sounds as if you are doing alright! You probably aren't mentally ill and just need someone to talk to. An hour or two a week doesn't mean you are a total mess, it just means you are like most people, you do better when you have those occasional questions and down days, if you have someone to talk to.

Life never came with an instruction manual, or maybe it did I just didn't get a copy. Nothing wrong with getting an opinion outside your own.

I do take notes with me quite often, so I don't forget what is on my mind.

You say you are not getting much out of it. It was good for my anxiety and reflecting a positive self image onto me. But beyond that I think my experiences have been pretty lame to downright wacky and out of line once I got past the point of real emotional stress and into normalcy and started seeking more for myself. Then you will probably get more out of your favorite self-help books and going down your own path. Just be careful, the T's I've run into make quick assumptions about peoples conditions. Meaning, they can do more harm than good if they are do not "get who you are" and treating you for things they assume you have. The mirror they hold up for you has to be a better version of yourself, not worse. And also make sure they have a lifestyle you would hope to achieve. No sense in going to someone who has the same weak spots if you are trying to overcome them.

All the best.